Alright, I know what you're thinking (and by "you're", i'm referring to my homophobic friends who will be muttering innappropriate slurs under their breath about me. Or maybe yelling them. I dunno, they're jerks), but you can forget it. I'm not gay; there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, i've got several gay friends that are awesome, but i just prefer women. I'm man enough to admit that i did this, so you can leave your "i knew it", or "that explains a lot" comments to yourself.
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That being said, I did in fact flirt with a gay guy. This was quite alarming to me, as I am straight. Being straight, I usually don't flirt with dudes, other than my friends. But i refer to that as more like "Bromance" or "Bromosexuality" rather than being gay. There's a quite distinct difference. Bromance is basically a bunch of dudes hangin out, probably drinking copious amounts of beer, and there might be a random slap on the ass or nut slap. Here and there, one of my friends will grab the back of the neck of a friend and force his head into his crotch, thus making him "suck it". these shananegans are all in good fun, and as long as you arent doing this to strangers (which some of us do when blacked-out drunk and this can be problematic), you are usually alright. Well, i didnt do any of that with this dude, but nonetheless i realize now that i should have been more prudent.
So the setting of this situation is none other than off the coast of Lagos, Portugal, on a booze cruise boat. There are approximately 40 people, mostly Canadians, Americans, and Aussies, just drinkin, listening to music, and having a good time. Well, at the time, i was wearing my trunks and a white hat, just basically catching some rays. I'm walking around, chatting up random strangers, when this dude comes up to me and pours a glass of wine on me. Now, considering I'm drunk, shirtless, and I can just jump in the water literally at any time, I do not take offense to this action. I simply reach up with my left hand and pour my beer on him. Like, the entire thing. Normally (and at the moment) I would think that this was really funny. I laughed and kept on walking around.
Now, an isolated incident such as this is (and was not) anything to cause alarm. However, the exact same turn of events transpired a few minutes later. I sorta chuckled and thought that "this must be what happens on booze cruises in Portugal." Well, i talked to him a little bit, nothing that i can remember, except that i was able to ascertain that he was from either Australia or New Zealand. I sometimes can't really tell the difference between the accents. Anyways, i moved on again, hung out with my friends, got pretty drunk, swam a little, went on a cave tour in a boat, basically had a good time. When i got back onto the boat, this lad settled next to me once again and for a third time, poured wine on me. This time, i was much drunker, and much less in the mood. Plus he got some red wine on my white hat. This pissed me off, bad. Plus, i was beginning to become suspicious of this guy. I couldnt quite place it, but something was amiss. So, instead of pouring more of my beer on him again, i simply said to him:
"dude, stop fuckin pouring shit on me, seriously."
at that, he apologized and walked off, presumably fairly crestfallen. I enjoyed the rest of the cruise, helped some ridiculously drunk ass people off the boat (literally carried one girl) and settled back into our hostel (incidently and maybe a little ironically named "the rising cock".) That's when i started telling my friend and her sister about that one kid who kept pouring beer on me. That's when they graciously informed me that he was, without a doubt, gay. Apparently girls come equipped with a much more sensitive and powerful "Gaydar" and can tell pretty much instantly if a man is gay or straight. My gaydar had been showing clear skies all day, and thus i had failed to notice the "bogey on my six", if you know what i'm sayin. Upon hearing this valuable information, i began to hyperventilate. I thought back to the events of the day and came to a horrifying realization: I had actually been flirting with the guy by pouring my beer on him and laughing. I literally could hear those "reee reee reee reee reee" noises in my head, strait out of the twilight zone, as i began putting it all together. Ok damage assessment: I had flirted with him by pouring beer on him. Had i "led him on" in any other way??! I hadn't slapped him on the ass or flicked him in the balls as i am known to do with my buddies. I definately hadn't made him "suck it" at any time on the cruise. I racked my brain and could come up with nothing, and so i began to settle down. I ate some food, sobered up, and began to feel alright again. It really wasn't that bad. i just won't tell anyone about it and my reputation as a heterosexual, trustworthy guy amongst my homophobic friends would be intact.
Well, i avoided this dude like the plague for the rest of the time i was in Lagos, and i thought that i was home free. About a week and a half later, after splitting off from my friends i arrived alone in Granada, Spain, and checked into a hostel. I went to go throw my shit in my room when i found, much to my chagrin, that i was sharing a room, along with like 12 other people, with the infamous wine pouring gay guy from Lagos. He immediately came over and apologized for pouring so much liquor on me that day (he must have realized that i wasn't also gay). i just replied:
"don't worry about it dude, tons of people were pouring booze on me that day", and then i changed the subject.
so, yeah. sorry for leading you on. My bad.
- Location: the love boat
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