Are you my dream man?
When I first meet you, I’d love it if you could come on really strong: ask to see me every night of the week, buy me a souvenir when you go on vacation two days after we meet, tell me all about how you told your dad about me, and devote yourself to coming up with an endearing nickname for me. Just call me sweetie, honey, and baby in the mean time…I don’t really like my real name anyway. Using “we” and “our” when talking about “us,” as well as making frequent references to the things we will do in the future, will also help me in having a clear understanding that you are dating “for fun” and are not ready to be “serious” with anyone. (For example, “That is our new favorite restaurant” or “Do you mind taking monthly pregnancy tests for me, baby?”)
The first time we have sex, please talk to me about getting tested so that we can have exclusive, unprotected sex. Again, this will help me understand that we are “casual.”
And by all means, please do not commit to just me. I am sure it is really easy to find someone like me and I know I am not a worthy recipient of your undivided attention and devotion. I also know that my well-above-average IQ, good looks, sense of humor, warmth, compassion, independence, bravery, education, D cup size, and proper height/weight ratio do not make me special. As the saying goes, “there are lots of attractive, intelligent atheist vegans that don’t want children in the sea…”
Despite your aversion to monogamy, I would still like you to refer constantly to how honest and loyal you are. That way I won’t be at all confused when you tell me you’re keeping your options open.
Please come into my life and tell me how much it sucks. I have a big group of friends, a pretty good family life, a stable job, and lots of hobbies, yet I totally want to hear that you think I am living life below my means. Please look down on me because I worked on the frontlines at a non-profit organization for three years instead of riding the dot-com wave to early retirement. Oh, how my self-esteem will flourish!
I want someone who will ask to meet my family a month into our pseudo-relationship, but will refuse to introduce me to his, even when said family member is visiting from another country. Oh, and not being on speaking terms with two immediate family members, including your mother, would be a huge plus.
If you post a profile on an internet dating site, such as Match.com, please don’t be 100% honest in your profile. If you are seriously opposed to drinking, go ahead and categorize yourself as a “social drinker.” Also, if we could have our first two dates in a bar, and if you could order drinks, it would help make it clear to me that you are violently opposed to the consumption of alcohol. Having a glass of wine waiting for me on our third date would also be kind, considerate, and not at all underhanded of you. I think entrapment plays an important part in any dating relationship. (Oh wait, we won’t be having a relationship – so scratch that last part.)
I have two dogs that I love dearly, so I am definitely seeking someone who detests dogs and everything about them. Someone with severe allergies would be ideal. If you could act like a complete ass any time you are in the presence of my dogs, it would mean so very much to me. Telling me they smell bad and holding your shirt over your nose would be so damn sweet, and a sure way to melt my heart.
I don’t want to date anyone who calls me on the phone. Even if you want to know how my day was or just happened to be thinking about me, please stick to e-mail only. I find it far more intimate than actually hearing your voice. And my snail’s pace dial-up internet connection makes it very convenient for me to check my e-mail throughout the day to see if you have contacted me.
I also like a man who has a flashy sports car but can’t drive for shit, talks constantly about how little he weighs, and thinks he is smarter and better looking than anyone else on the planet and isn’t afraid to talk about it AD NASEUM.
Most of all, I am looking for someone who will project all of his past failed relationships onto me, including the insane behavior of every psycho chick he’s ever encountered. If your last girlfriend told you she was pregnant as a “joke” or refused to move out of your home after you broke up with her, by all means project these things onto me because that is just exactly what I was planning to do once I got to know you just a little bit better. It was all part of my crafty ruse to act sane for six weeks and then open up a big ol’ bottle of crazy when you were least expecting it. So, please don’t judge me on my actual behavior – judge me based on the crazy things you fear I might do because I am an unpredictable woman. Meanwhile, I’ll just keep opening my heart up to you because I haven’t had any bad experiences with men whatsofuckingever.
I know I’m asking a lot, but I can’t help but continue hoping to find this perfect man. If you’re out there, please drop me a line!
this is in or around Eastside