Originally Posted: 2003-12-12 2:50pm
Two functioning hands
I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have two functional hands. Don't ask me why, but I realized how much it would suck to have only one hand and just a nub on the other arm. In fact, I would gladly sacrifice motion in my elbow and wrist if I must to ensure normal motion of my fingers and hand. Imagine for a moment that you were missing your non-dominant hand... Done? Well here's a list of things that I personally would not be able to do if I had only one hand.
1) Type really fast. I can type fast. It's not that I have an administrative job, it's just that I have a really developed typing ability. If I had only one hand, I would type words like this: M lo you lon im. With both hands I can type 'Me love you long time'.
2) Steady myself on the shitter. I use the handicap shitters because of the bars. They let you steady yourself after the deposit, while using the other hand to clean. You might be able to steady yourself with a nub, but they look really slippery and I am sure I'd slip and knock my sandwich off the top of the toilet paper dispenser.
3) Video games. I have tried to play video games with one hand. It totally sucks. The only type of game you could play would be those ones like Dragon's Lair where you just press one button at a time to pick right or left, sword or block. And we all know that game sucked. It was like a choose-your-own-adventure book but without the good story. Besides, I always thought Dirk was a pretty-boy pussy.
4) Karate. Karate means 'empty hand'. How can something be empty if you don't have it? It's not like you can punch effectively with your sensitive and slippery nub. And there's no way you could effectively execute the quart-'a-blood technique on 9~10 cops with just a nub. That guy from the Bruce Lee movies is the only dude who could fight with a nub. But he had to modify it to allow screw-on attachments; and I just don't have that kind of money.
5) Doggy style. How are you going to lean over and grab BOTH breasts with just a nub? Moreover, how could you effectively grab/spank dat ass with just one hand? You couldn't. No girl would want you if you couldn't grab both cheeks firmly and give the occasional spank. Nub spanks are not playful or sexy--they hurt.
6) Change channels while jerking. Ever tried to change a channel with your elbow? Nubs are bigger than elbows, so you'd have even less accuracy. While trying to flip back and forth between hotel porno channels you'd accidentally turn on Nick at Nite. And unless you see June Cleaver you would ruin your mood. Hell, you couldn't even wash the serum off your hands after you finish unless you had a fake rubber hand attached to the bottom of your sink. And I just don't think that YOU have the time to do that in every hotel you go to.
7) Own pets. Animals hate nubs. Your pets would attack you as soon as you close your eyes. They would snap your spine and dance on your belly. Because you are fat, they would stay on the side of your girth that is away from your working hand so you could only reach them with your nub. They would chuckle as they hump your nub. They would open a wound in the nub that spurts blood and pretend you're bionic commando until you bleed to death. Your cat would challenge you to a game of basketball and win. They know you can only drive one side of the lane and that's where they'd defend! Swish!
8) Take a band-aid off your elbow.
To be fair, I'll include a couple of things you can do better with a nub.
1) Nub-job. Having a nub would turn your arm into one big, flexible penis. The ladies from the animal porn would like you (congratulations!).
2) You could pitch for the baseball team of one of the greatest universities in the world, then go on to pitch a no-hitter for the Yankees. Better hope you don't get traded to the National League, though.
3) Kick an NFL-record 63 yard field goal. I was the kicker on my high-school football team (I wasn't ONLY a kicker, but that was just one of my many positions). I have normal hands and feet. My career-long is 47 yards. I can kick further if I use my toe, but you lose a shitload of accuracy. If I had a nub, however, it would somehow be OK for me to cut my foot off at mid-sole and make a special flat-front shoe that would allow me to kick toe-style without losing the accuracy. I never understood why that was allowed just because the guy had a half-foot. I guarantee I could hit 55+ yards with that fuckin' shoe.
4) Drum in a shitty band and choke your wife. Pour some sugar on me, because I have got one sweet nub to go along with my drummin' and chokin' hand.
5) Wear a pirate suit. Even if you don't attach your kung-fu hook, people would still think you're a salty sea-dog of a pirate if you had a nub. 'Arrrgghhh!' Impersonating a pirate would be the strongest argument FOR wanting a leg nub. I would love to have a peg-leg. My peg would be made of cedar-wood and I'd keep it in the same drawer as my sweaters. But I would only wear those sweaters on my days off from terrorizing the open seas.
6) And finally. If I had a nub, I would touch people with it all the time. I had a teacher in 7th grade who had a nub. He always touched people with it, set it on their shoulders to make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes he would shake it around like a dolphin flipper. It was quite funny. I would use my nub as leverage in sales calls. "Hey Nissan, I'd give my OTHER hand for your business! I've done it once, so you know I'm serious!" Then I would expect people to call me 'lefty' (if I'm missing my left hand) behind my back. I would get one of those one-handed steering wheel attachments too.
What would you do with a nub?