I just moved into this one bedroom apartment for the incredible low price of $450 a month! I mean, it's on the third level, which sucks. It's worth it, though.
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When the landlord gave me a tour he told me something along the lines of "I need to be upfront with you. The reason why the rent is so cheap is because past tenants have complained that the apartment is haunted. Before you sign the lease consider this. I'm tired of my tenants breaking their lease because they hear a couple of noises."
Whatever. As long as I can eat Cheetos in the nude while watching reruns of Seinfeld, I'm happy.
So, my first night I was sleeping, dreaming of blow jobs or something, and then I woke up to some noise. I sat up to see the pages of my Guiness Book of World Records rustling and turning. No shit.
Yeah, right, like THAT'S scary! Hahahahh. Puh-lease !
I laid back down and went to sleep. I mean, if Peter (I decided to name him Peter.) wanted to know the size of the biggest loogie in the world, that's his business. Personally, if I was a ghost I'd whisper menacing things to my ex girlfriend like: "I willll kiiiiilll youuu, cheating biiiiitch," or "Keeeeeellllyyyyyy. .. Keeeellyyyyy", or "Youuuu haaaave heeerpeees." Whatever.
Seriously, my ghost is a joke. He gurgles. What the fuck? Have you ever heard of a ghost gurgling before? I'm in the kitchen, trying to melt the plastic handle of my spatula on the stove, when I hear this annoying as fuck gurgling sound behind me. Wilson is not scary, he's annoying. (At this point I found it appropriate to rename him Wilson.)
Wilson sucks, but he does one cool thing. Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of this transparent, gruesome, bloody dude hanging from a noose in my bedroom. I know this is Wilson, which I renamed Tiberius, because he gurgles.
Yeah, he looks cool, but it sucks when I'm trying to have sex or masturbate. Tiberius is kind of a turn off, you know.
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