MC with the time traveler in Seattle
Please assure me you know what you're talking about. Please let me know that I'm desperate for a boyfriend and am not making sound decisions. Please point out Ed and remind me that I have never had good luck with blonde men. Then gently push - shove, if need be - me down the tarmac.
Please let me know that because it's a long-distance relationship, I at first think it's exciting and whine to my friends that I miss Ed. Then tell me when I sleep with him, I will find he does not know the meaning of foreplay, compliments, and that he rasps 'Yeah baby. Oh, yeah. YEAH BABY YEAH BABY YEAH' during sex, like there is a secret camera in the window filming him for a porn movie. Tell me Ed lasts only a few seconds, will roll off me while saying 'That was great', and will drift off to sleep, not knowing his views of what's 'great' are depressingly lopsided. Tell me that Ed is so awful that every sexual encounter I have from then on is stellar by comparison. Tell me that I had better sex in high school.
Let me know that Ed sleeps on his stomach, naked with legs spread, giving me a proctologist's view of his bunghole. Tell me that I will eventually sicken at the sight of Ed, his holes, his hats that he's not cool enough to wear, and his collection of movies like 'Howard the Duck’, which he considers 'offbeat'. Tell me that Ed thinks he's sharp because he wears suits to our dinners together, forcing the patrons of The Spaghetti Factory to mistake him for either the manager or my father.
Relay to me, please, that Ed says things like 'When the waiter brought my meal, the steak was so rare it was still mooing '. Repeat that he says the word 'meal'. Tell me he does impressions of Rainman and gives me my one compliment in this Oscar-winning voice: 'You're definitely sexy. Definitely sexy. I'm an excellent driver'.
I won't believe this part, but do your best to convince me: sometime in April 1999, when Ed and I go on a trip, I sneak into the bathroom and call Southwest to try to get the next flight out of town, hoping Ed will think I've been kidnapped. Remind me that Ed probably will not notice I'm gone. Let me know that later on, when I can't get a flight, I lose it and break off into a full run down the beach, trying to avoid Ed. When that sinks in, tell me that Ed runs gamely along beside me, thinking I am running to Crazy Shirts to buy him a gift, which evidentially moves me enough to make me cry. YOU can prevent this.
If you get a chance, please go in the future and see if there is some device planted in Ed's head, which makes him hear words different from the ones I'm saying. This would explain why Ed eventually tells people that we are getting married, something he will relay to me the day I break up with him.
On second thought, if you intercept me at the airport, you won't need to go into the future at all. Tell me I'd rather be single than live with the stupidity of going out with Ed. January 1999, okay? And while you're at it, let me know it's the last pair of size 2 pants I will ever wear.