best of craigslist > seattle > Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Craig
Originally Posted: 2006-03-06 8:59am

Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Craig

In the beginning, there was neither form nor substance. Craig moved His hand across the face of the void and created the List.

He looked upon His work and saw that it was good.

For He had given the people a place where they might find work, and thus reap the fruit of their labor.

For He had given the people a place where they might buy things they did not need, and thus waste the fruit of their labor.

For He had given the people a place where they might hook up, and thus share the pleasure of flesh through fornication.

For He had given the people a place where they might rant about their lack of funds and the curious rash in their groin.

And the Children of the List were pleased for all that the Creator had given to them. All praise to Craig, the Creator of the List.

And lo, it came to pass that, in His labors, Craig turned His eye from the List, and in His absence the Children of the List didst succumb to their weakness and the temptations of the Dark Ones, and didst spoil the List.

Craig again turned His eye to His List and gnashed His teeth in fury. He spaketh such, “Children, why hast though betrayed the Creator of the List?”

The Children of the List, blinded by the lies of the Dark Ones, did not heed the Creator.

In his growing wrath, Craig spaketh again, “Why hast thou failed Me? Hast I not scribed My Terms of Use upon the gateway to the List? Hast I not commanded each and all to agree to drive the Dark Ones hence if they violate my Terms? Must I hold thine hand?”

The Children of the List, their minds long clouded by the Dark Ones’ self-serving deceit, spaketh, “Craig, we know not of what You speak, for hast Thou not created the List and given it to us for our use?”

Craig raged on high, “The List is not thine, nor the Dark Ones’, but truly the Creator’s, for this is Craigslist, and all must follow the Creator’s Terms. Thou hast failed Me by allowing the Dark Ones to post in violation of My Terms of Use.”

The Children of the List spaketh, “But truly Thou hast set no such law. The Dark Ones tell us that “patently offensive” material is expected, and that we must not flag it.”

Craig shook His mighty head in sorrow, “Fools. By “patently offensive” I meant the profane, the unguarded, the churlish. Canst thou not read further? What part of “I agree to flag as "prohibited" any posting I see that is illegal or otherwise violates the Craigslist terms of use” dost thou not understand? I didst not create a sewer for the Dark Ones to play in.”

“Lo, this is My commandment unto you: Thou shalt flag all posts that violate My Terms. Didst thou not read the warning that I hast scribed?: without the flagging system, “the site would quickly become unusable”.

“I, the Creator, have commanded thee to smite the Dark Ones and drive them hence from My List, and thou hast failed me. My List hast been spoilt by these asshats.”

The Children of the List now saw their error, and were stricken with grief for their folly. The List that had been given to them was now almost lifeless, poisoned by the Dark Ones.

Woe unto those who do not heed the commands of the Creator.

post id: 139449303

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