Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-07-07T20:41:09-07:00 2 daily My Pubic Hair Epiphany http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html Vaginas are pretty. Ok, I dont actually think thats true. Its not any sort of inner self loathing, I just dont find all the wrinkly folds and the odd array of skin tones very awe inspiring. Perhaps its that my aesthetics meter just isnt calibrated properly. I also fail to see splendor when I look at babies. Perhaps you just need to be more familiar with an object to truly appreciate its subtleties and grace. For example it always seems to be mothers spouting on about the gorgeousness of babies and porn stars talking about beautiful beavers. All this being said I had an epiphany recently. A vagina has enough going for it that its worth the extra effort to stop that unruly mop from hanging in its eyes. My old view which was, why not let the poor thing live out its homely life in peace, has been changed to my muff is like Allison from The Breakfast Club. You might remember Allison, she was the depressed, unsightly gal with crazy hair that covered most of her face. But, at the end she lets Molly Ringwalds character do her hair and you realize shes actually quite lovely. Where is Molly Ringwald when you need her? What would cause this type of 180 you ask, online video porn of course. I was just introduced to the wonders of YouTube-like porn sites by my husband who swears he only hears about such things from his vulgar co-workers. Being a modern sort of couple we like to use technology to our advantage whenever possible which includes huddling around a laptop in bed watching raunchy homemade video porn vignettes. After some sheepish discussion on what keyword searches we should try (btw, Abercombie & Fitch model seducing average looking woman in a Tahitian hotel bar before taking her out to his yacht to have hot, sweaty, above deck sex doesnt turn up any results, so dont bother), we hit upon Eating Pussy Lesson. I was thinking we would get something along the lines of the clit is not a myth and yes you do actually need to put your mouth on it to be successful, but what I got was much, much better. I mature blond woman still a looker but someone you genuinely felt you could take anatomical advice from gave the lesson on a young buxom blond in a bustier. Our teacher furthered both the scientific and fetishistic quotient by wearing black rubber gloves. I wont get into the details except to say that I learned a great deal from this woman and by the end felt that the vagina was a brilliant piece of equipment that should receive at least as much attention as a car does; a regular wash & wax and the occasional splurge on the deluxe wheel rim package with papaya scent. But lets be realistic, rarely do epiphanies happen in a vacuum. There was a bit of a lead up to this. As I stated earlier I felt that my lower coif needed little attention and that this was a reasonable and widespread course of action. And of course I was right. The average American woman does choose to let nature take its course down below. However, as my recent anecdotal and completely unscientific research clearly indicates the average single American woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who lives in an urban area (particularly in Southern California), waxes the shit out of her va-jay jay. Yes, that dreaded South American spa treatment, and the closest most of us will ever get to a lesbian sex act the Brazilian wax job. I was in many ways shocked to learn that most of my friends partake. I thought there were few reasons girls like us might obtain a Brazilian. Among them might be an upcoming stint in Amateur Girls Take Hot Cock 7, or a date with Ron Jeremy. These otherwise normal women in my life were shelling out $70 a pop to let a small asian woman take them in a back room and rip out their anal hair. Yikes. One of my friends is actually lasering her beave completely bald. Double yikes. This last conversation was had over a round of beers at a local pub and I was the only one in the group who had to scoop her chin up off the table. The rest of the ladies felt this was not only a wise aesthetic choice, but smart from an economic point of view also. Pay several hundred dollars now but never have to pay for a wax job again, let alone a razor. Dont be surprised if you see laser yourself bald as hot new tip for financially savvy females in Suze Ormans next book. After my informal education I was certainly more aware that bush hair removal on a massive scale was far more common than I ever thought. Regular gals are out there with landing strips or nothing at all and I suppose regular guys have come to expect it. To think my poor husband had to work around all that fluff for years. But if youre hoping for me to wrap this up with a Brazilian salon recommendation, youre out of luck. Im going to have to count myself as a moderate on this issue. Ill go for an advanced bikini wax (a la landing strip), and Ill even keep it nice and trim with a pair of safety scissors. But to whatever confused stray hairs made a right when they should have made a left and ended up doomed to a life next to my butt hole, I say live and let live. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T20:41:09-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html My Pubic Hair Epiphany text To the guy sailing across Mission Bay with a porch umbrella http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/590709564.html I suppose you were windsurfing. I've never seen anyone windsurf with a porch umbrella for a sail, boldly charging across the bay like a cross between Admiral Nelson and Mary Poppins. I was amazed -- you didn't just sail downwind, I swear I saw you tacking. You, sir, are my hero. I wanted to tell you so, but alas, I was on the shore. I had so many questions. No, I really only had one question (why?) but it seemed like a really, really good question. Every time I went back, I hoped to see you again, Umbrella Man, but alas, I have not seen you since. Should you happen to read this, could I trouble you for the story behind your brave voyage?   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-28T22:28:50-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/590709564.html To the guy sailing across Mission Bay with a porch umbrella text Carton Of Irregular Cat Hats http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/566171148.html Hello. I have a big box of used cat and kitten hats that I have collected over the years for various occasions. As of recently my cat, Snowman, is no longer living and thus I am forced to get rid of these precious memories. I would not feel right asking money for them so I am offering the whole box for free. There are many styles from formal to cute and funny. <img src="566171148.1.jpg"> <img src="566171148.2.jpg"> <img src="566171148.3.jpg"> There is a variety of 14 different hats total. I just hope you and your pet can find as much joy in these hats as me and Snowman once did. E-mail me if you are interested and I will give you my address where you can pick them up. I can also arrange for a free delivery if you are not too far away. Thank you, Patty   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-07T11:01:37-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/566171148.html Carton Of Irregular Cat Hats text Found: One large bag of "Granny Porn" DVDs. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/541608921.html Dude (well, I assume you're a dude), what the hell is your problem? You left a huge bag full of Granny porn on the sidewalk in Carlsbad. I can only assume this was deliberate. It's not like you're walking the streets with five pounds of porn DVDs, get home, and realize "damn, I must have accidentally dropped all my porn somewhere". Come on man, what's wrong with you? Some kid could have found this stuff. I won't lecture you about the general moral obligation to properly dispose of porn. For a guy whose collection includes volumes 1-8 of "Deep Throat Grannies", I doubt the term "moral obligation" is a part of your regular vocabulary. I'm sure you're also the kind of guy who dumps his used motor oil down the sink. Seriously though, do you want some kid finding this stuff, popping it into his Mouseketeers DVD player and seeing his nana taking on more cocks than she has holes? Yeah, I'm sure that won't cause any latent problems as the kid grows up and tries to nurture normal relationships with women. Anyway, I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy and this content is just a little too mature for my pallet. If anyone is into this stuff and wants the DVDs, hit me up with an email. Maybe one of you girls on a budget would like to pick up something thoughtful for your man (Valentines Day is just around the corner). There's something like 200 hours worth of (mostly) Granny porn here. Oh, and if you look like Macaulay Culkin I'll need to see some ID. By the way, I'm keeping one DVD called "Bangkok Boobarella". Hey, even we meat and potatoes guys occasionally want a little port-wine reduction. Jeez, Grammy! Say it ain't so!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Carlsbad <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-16T17:35:20-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/541608921.html Found: One large bag of "Granny Porn" DVDs. text Bi curioius? I can help... - w4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/522746420.html Looking for your first time? I'm a good looking, slim, blonde, femme lesbian and I'm ready to help! I'll even let your husband/boyfriend watch... when my self esteem tanks to the extent that Im willing to bastardize my own soul and orientation, cheapen the most beautiful expression of love two people can share, scar my psyche, and exploit the community I hold dear. Yep, when that time comes Ill be totally ready to help you pathetic bored housewives explore your 'bi curious' side. I'll even get on board when you are not interested in pussy at all, but instead are attempting to display sexual open-mindedness in your sad attempt to hold on to the skank you call a man. In the meantime, do you mind leaving me alone? You could start by staying off internet boards dedicated to women who love women. Oh, and do you mind not showing up at my bars? You may have noticed how most gays welcome and enjoy our straight friends at gay clubs. They are the men and women included in our dances, drink-rounds, conversation, and laughter. You, in the corner, looking sleezy, we ignore. Make no mistake, you are not invisible, we see you, we know what you are trying to do. we are ignoring you. Sometimes the laughter is about you. So, when I, or any other lesbian are ready, we'll let you know. Oh, and by the way, when that time comes, I hope you and your man are ready to get fisted to my elbow because although I look like a lady, I'll take your tonsils out, the hard way.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-29T12:46:27-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/522746420.html Bi curioius? I can help... - w4w text Expensive Loser Wanted!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/488076372.html Hello! I'm looking for an expensive loser!! Could this be you? I don't ask for much these days. At my age, the fish that used to be in the barrel are dwindling in number, so lets see if you stack up to my extremely high expectations: 1. Please do not have your own mode of transportation. I expect to pick you up and drive you everywhere, including dates that you can't afford to take me on, work, to see your kids and to deliver you to your drug dealer's at 3 in the morning. 2. Please have at least three addictions! I prefer alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Cocaine habit a plus! Please do not share your substances with me as I prefer to buy my own. In fact, please borrow my money to purchase yours! 3. Please live with your mother. If this is not possible becasue you don't know who she is, then please live in a big house with five other guys and a six foot graffix bong you call "chewbongka". Please have no furniture except a pool table and a kegerator. Your bed, if you have one, should be a futon matress on the floor soaked in cat piss, beer, or both. 4. If I get my way, you will not recognize any of the good things I do. Instead, you should gripe about imaginary things that you obsess about because of your meth addiction. 5. Do not be accountable at all for your actions. Please realize that if your life sucks, it's clearly my fault and I should be a better girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you understood that it's because of my lack of consideration that you are too hungover to work. It is also because of me that you end up in jail, therefore, I will bail you out and you won't have to pay me back. 6. Please have poor credit. It's part of my dream that I have to add you to my cell phone account and bank account because you are unable to obtain these things under the name you are currently using. You must be at least $40,000 in debt. That debt will not include a home or a car because you wouldn't have either of those. If you do, you are automatically disqualified. 7. Always remember: POT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME! In fact, so is beer, and so are other women you don't know. I should come about 8th on the list of important things in your life: behind blow jobs in balboa park but ahead of your family. 8. You must owe back child support that I will help you pay. 9. Please yell at me LOUDLY and OUTSIDE my front door so that I will be evicted. 10. Whatever you do, don't cut your hair, shave, wear deoderant or brush your teeth. Also, wear shitty clothes when we go out... the last thing I need is to feel "proud" to be seen with you. Please spit in public and scratch your balls whenever you can. I would also appreciate it if your pants were so low that everyone could see your underwear and/or asscrack. Nothing says "hot" like pants that don't fit. Sleeveless shirts a plus. 11. When we make out, say things to me like "grab it" and "suck me off". I also LOVE to have a man put his hands on my head and push it into his crotch. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances try to give me an orgasm. This will only lead to pleasure, which I am not accustomed to. So...do you meet my needs? If so, don't ever call or write. I love waiting and wondering!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-24T11:09:57-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/488076372.html Expensive Loser Wanted!!! text Dear Jolly Ranchers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/301953698.html Dear Makers of Jolly Ranchers, I just thought you should know that nobody (NOBODY) ever eats any of the blue raspberry flavored Jolly Ranchers from the candy dish on our reception counter in our office. EVER. When it's time to re-fill the candy dish, there are always those ugly nonappetizing blue raspberry fuckers all abandoned at the bottom of the dish. I have my opinions on why this phenomenon occurs. For one, that color should not be associated with food. It was really a bad idea. That flavor just screws up the whole assorted flavors bag and I was just wondering if perhaps there is a group of blue raspberry advocates somewhere that have convinced you to continue to make these? I have been the candy bitch here for going on two years and I am just at a loss. What do I do with all these neglected, disgusting, blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers? I almost want to send them back to you, so that you can send them on to the blue raspberry fan club. I used to gather them up sadly from the bottom of the dish and put them aside in this other cup. I don't like to be wasteful. Now I simply throw them away as soon as they come tumbling out of the bag into the candy dish. Quite frankly, I have never even tasted one of these things. They could taste awesome! Aside from the fact that nobody has ever HEARD of a blue raspberry, I'm sure they taste quite good. I just can't bring myself to put that radioactive nuclear flourescent unnatural color into my mouth. I'm pretty sure my teeth and gums would probably be stained blue. I think at the very least, you should consider changing the color of the blue raspberry Jolly Rancher. Maybe just eliminate the blue part altogether. By the way, what's wrong with good ole plain raspberry? Now that's a good flavor. I know you already have cherry and watermelon flavors hogging up the red category, but surely you could come up with something. To be honest, the bright neon blue color really fucks up the feng shui of my candy dish, with its appetizing array of purple, green, red and red Jolly Ranchers, co-mingling with the ever-popular Reese's PB cups, Hershey's miniatures and Hershey's Nut Lovers miniatures. The Twix and the M&Ms hardly ever stay in the dish long enough to look pretty, but that is to be expected. Fed Ex delivery folks and office visitors of all ilk pounce on those like they are hundred dollar bills. On a completely unrelated note, perhaps it's time for me to start looking for a more exciting job. Thank you for your time. And remember, nobody wants to eat flourescent blue candy. Sincerely, The Receptionist  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The Candy Dish <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-28T10:05:03-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/301953698.html Dear Jolly Ranchers text To all of my Neighbors! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/298491378.html Ok we all have to live here. You people drive me insane. Crazy Tweeker Manager- You are in your 50s. Mini skirts are not OK. I know you have kept a trim body through years of meth use but no one wants to see it. Speaking of your meth use, we can tell. When it takes you 6 hours to install a pre fabricated screen door, we can tell. When you have a 3 minutes conversation and say nothing at all, we can tell. If you ring my doorbell one more time at 2 am to tell me that someone broke into the garage, I will kick you. In the neck. I dont have a car, I dont care. Perhaps if you didnt give out keys to the "thugs" who hang around trying to get free drugs from you there wouldnt be a problem. Creepy Staring Lady- Stop watching me, I know you think I cant see you because you hide behind the stairs, but I can. Your legs are still there. I promise you I am not going to do a dance, burst into flames or morph into an ice cream cone. You can stop looking. Also, get rid of that fucking phone. The CHIRP followed by incoherent spanish yelling is driving me insane, they are obviously on your network, so call them. Its free I promise. Navy lady- You are quite pleasant, you always smile. Your daughter is a joy. Polite and friendly. We can all hear you screaming at her every nite. She is 13 she will "get her fucking priorities straight" eventually. Cut her some slack Mexican family- I am not sure how you do it. We have 2 adults and a baby in our townhouse and its too small. You have 4 adults, a preteen, 2 kids and a baby. I realize the rent is a little steep but for fucks sake where do you all sleep? Oh and to the obviously adult son. You arent a thug, you arent hardcore. Stop smoking weed outside and throwing the roaches in my ashtray. Also get your ghetto gangsta wanna be friend away from my fucking door. I dont care how long its been since he has "tapped some ho" I dont care how "bad the joint was" I dont care what he stole and from whom. Get him the fuck away from me. Weird lady and her creepy kid- Youre a bitch, youre stupid. You let the tweeker manager (see above) watch your kid while you go bar hopping. Good job! Your kid is fucked up enough without that kind of shit. Oh and we all know you have a cat, your little "say goodbye to fluffy we cant have him" and then your kid fake crying act didnt fool anyone. Plus he sits in your window dipshit. Dont glare at me when you walk by in your hooker clothes with yet another guy behind you. I didnt make you a slut. Super nice black guy next door- You and your girlfriend are sweet and awesome neighbors, you dont complain when the baby makes noise, and you just say hi when its needed. But when youre home alone we can hear you singing to your 80s whitney houston music. Dont get me wrong its good. Its even funny, but dont come out all tough. We know your secret! Bitchy lady- When you order a package and you know it will be sent UPS which requires a signature, send it to your work. The poor UPS guy shows up all the time and you arent home. I made the mistake of signing for a package once for you. I left you a nice note letting you know that when you get home ring the bell and I will give it to you. It would have been nice for you to say "think you" instead of "wheres my package" next time I will....nevermind there will be no next time. Fuck you. Emo Mexicans- We can smell your weed and for some reason listening to stoned drunk guys sing Morrisey in a mexican accent isnt that appealing. Please please please shut your door. Im moving soon so I wont have to deal with you. Maybe I will print this out and leave it for the next person who pays a ridiculous amount for this townhouse. Next person....the dishwasher doesnt work, neither does the heater. Dont try and get it fixed. You'll just get the tweekers boyfriend in your house while you arent home "fixing" things.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: IB <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-22T10:12:19-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/298491378.html To all of my Neighbors! text RANT: Airline Travel Etiquette http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/286035868.html Alright people, some airline travel etiquette needs to be established. Here are a few suggestions that will make everyones life easier, so please pay attention: Rule #1 - Security. Yes, its a bitch. Yes, the TSA employees they hired from the nearest clinic for the terminally stupid are an insult to anybody with a hint of gray matter, but comon. Throw the rest of us a bone here: Youve been standing in line for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes you finally get to the table with the little gray bins. Now is NOT the time to hold up everyone else in line while you take off your six earrings, your 20 bracelets, your necklace, your watch and anything else you KNOW DAMN WELL will set off the alarm. The time to do this was sometime during the previous 45 minutes when you were standing in line complaining about how slowly the line was moving. Take all that stuff off and throw it in your carry-on BEFORE you get to the table. For those of you with laptops, yes you need to take it out of the bag. The 8 signs you past while standing in the aforementioned line werent kidding. Have it out, put it in the bin and move along. Rule #2 - Potty breaks. With certain exceptions, potty breaks are denied within the first hour of flight. Its your own damn fault you decided to wait in line for 15 minutes at the terminal Starbucks for your daily non-fat chi extra-tall cup-of-crap instead of taking care of business (and by therefore compounding the problem). If youre that bad at time management, or set your priorities such that you cant take 2 minutes out of your busy day to take a leak, then its your own damn fault and you can just hold it. Exceptions would include: (1) youre in an aisle seat, (2) children, or (3) you have a baby with a poopy diaper and yes I can smell it. Yes EVERYONE within 10 rows can smell it. Feel free to do what you got to do but PLEASE dont ignore it. Ladies, if youre pregnant, insist on an aisle seat. The airlines will accommodate if you push them hard enough. Old people, if you have a weak bladder, the same goes for you. Rule #3 - Bitch. If Im unfortunate enough to ride bitch (aka, the middle seat) then I automatically get both armrests. Its called making the best of a bad situation. I dont care how much you spent on your ticket and if you had that much money you would be up there in 1st class with the rest of the Im-so-important-I-need-a-curtain-to-shelter-me-from-those-coach-people crowd. Rule #4 - Assumptions. When airborne, you need to make some assumptions. For those of you seated behind me, you need to assume that I am sound asleep in my chair trying to get a little sleep before my big presentation in a few hours. This means that you are NOT to use my chair to pull yourself up out of your seat, shaking it violently as you struggle for balance. I realize there isnt a lot of room, but the solution is simple use your armrests, slightly turn your body, and use YOUR chair for balance. If works for me, it can work for you. For those of you seated in front of me, you need to assume Im feverishly working on my laptop for that big presentation and EASE your seat back, nice and slowly, allowing me to make adjustments as necessary. This means NOT reclining your seat with such fury as to crack the lid of my laptop because it caught on the tray-table latch (Id especially like to thank the lady seated in 19B on United Flight 920 on February 21st from San Diego to Dulles for that one). I dont care if you want to recline your seat, just GO SLOWLY. Rule #5 - Do Not Disturb. If Im wearing headphones, listening to my iPod, its code for please leave me alone and dont try to engage in conversation. I dont care how excited you are to be visiting your 19-year-old niece who lives in Santee. I dont care how pretty she is and that shes pregnant with her third child from as many fathers. If it looks like Im sleeping, I probably am. It might be hard to tell as I often wear sunglasses when I try to sleep on a plane, but think about this if I havent moved in awhile, Im asleep. So please, use common sense if you choose to rouse me from my slumber (ie, something catastrophic happening like a wing falling off). The flight attendant serving drinks DOES NOT qualify. Rule #6 - Parents, control your kids. Ive traveled all over the US as a kid and I know how incredibly boring even a short flight can be. However, a cramped airliner is NOT the place for tough-love. If your kid is throwing a tantrum, GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY WANT PERIOD. If your child is kicking my chair I WILL say something and not to the child, but to YOU. The other day I ran into a local 7-11 and they had portable DVD players on sale for $60. Seems to me like a pretty inexpensive insurance policy otherwise I suggest adding a triple shot of Childrens NyQuil to their grape juice, also available at 7-11. Rule #7 - You finally made to your destination. Congratulations! Dont stop. That is to say, you just walked off the jetway and are now in the terminal - KEEP MOVING. Every single airport Ive been to in this country has signs posted everywhere, so if you arent quite sure where you need to go, simply walk strait ahead to the far wall and figure it out from there. Stopping at the jetway door or in the immediate vicinity creates a hellacious roadblock that the second half of the plane has to navigate around. Some of us actually have the ability to walk and read at the same time no problem if youre not one of them, just please dont slow those of us down who can. This last part isnt really about travel etiquette so much as it is about the Airport Nazis that patrol the pick-up and drop-off area at San Diego Lindbergh. Ive been meaning to write something suppose this is as good a time as any. You guys are the biggest bunch of fucking assholes I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. When I go the airport and you guys are giving me shit, I say, see kids, that man is why you need to study hard in school and get good grades you dont want to end up like him, right? I can understand ticketing someone who parked out front and walked away fuck tow it or even set it ablaze for all I care, but what you douche-bags do is downright harassment. News flash me driving slowly, waiting for my passenger WHO I CAN SEE AND IS WALKING OUT OF THE TERMINAL, is not the same as being as being parked or stopped. Heres an idea, if my vehicle isnt moving, why dont you go stand in front of it while you write me that ticket? Yeah - thats what I thought. With that said, minus the KSAN Airport Nazis, I hope you found this beneficial. Please refer back to it as often as necessary. Thank you and have a nice day.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-28T08:31:41-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/286035868.html RANT: Airline Travel Etiquette text 10 Reasons to Date a Lesbian http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/267362112.html After over 10 years of exclusively dating women, I am done. The pendulum is definitely swinging in the other direction. Although I have to admit that dating girls was a lot of fun, especially during my college days, the prospects are just not that bright headed into my 30s. Fortunately, in the meantime, a lot of you guys have finally grown up and become considerably more interesting as dating material. You may also be wondering why you would want to even try dating a lesbian. I mean really, from a guys perspective, whats the attraction, right? So here is my list 10 REASONS TO DATE A LESBIAN: 1. I dont hate men. This is because, unlike most straight women, I dont have an ex-boyfriend or an ex-husband who has cheated or otherwise done me wrong. Instead, the men Ive chosen to spend time with have always been my friends. Weve drunk beer together, gone camping, and talked about girls. I only have good things to say about the guys I know. 2. Ive never been a gold digger. At no time in my life have I been under the impression that Prince Charming would show up and take care of everything. Instead, Ive developed my independence and learned how to do things for myself. I would still love for you to take me to dinner on occasion, but I dont need you to support me. 3. I dont mind getting dirty. I can go camping, hiking and fishing without worrying about my nails. 4. Im still feminine. I may not coat my face with tons of makeup, but if you think all lesbians are butch, you have a lesson coming to you. For the record, Im tall, blonde, fit, athletic, attractive, and look great in tall boots and a short skirt. 5. I dont call myself bisexual. Bi chicks have a reputation for cheating on their husbands and being incapable of sustaining meaningful relationships with women. It may be a generalization, but Ive met enough of them to know that I dont ever want to date one or to be called one. Its just not my style. 6. You never have to wonder if I slept with that other guy. I didnt. 7. Im also not dragging around some other guys kids. 8. I dont play games. Honest. Having only dated women, I never learned how to manipulate a guy. 9. Im more interesting than most of the girls youll meet in PB. Im smarter than them too. 10. Youve secretly always wanted to be with a lesbian but never thought youd have a chance. At this point, you are probably wondering what the down side might be here it is. 3 REASONS NOT TO DATE A LESBIAN: 1. I may not be attracted to you. Its true. Then again, how many dates have you been on with straight women who lacked the necessary chemistry too? The only way to find out is to try, right? 2. I am an unabashed feminist. If I cook for you, you might have to do dishes. 3. I dont know all the moves. In fact, Im pretty clueless when it comes to guys, whether it be flirting over drinks or lights out in the bedroom. As they say though, practice makes perfect. So what do you think? Still interested? If you are, lets give this a try.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: SD - metro <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-23T15:34:55-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/267362112.html 10 Reasons to Date a Lesbian text Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/214756119.html Dear cat, The girlfriend is away for three weeks, and though I am a person of strong will, three weeks is simply too long to bear without working one out. I dont expect you to understand this need as you no longer have your ovaries, but trust me when I say, I NEED to. If you ever took the CAT SATs, you might have seen this example analogy: Getting off : me :: licking your ass : you. Having established that, I request of you: Please do not disturb the fucking blinds when I'm watching porn! Youre a cat, not a dog, so dont give me that puppy-eyed look. You know what youre doing. As soon as I settle back in my chair with some hot chick doing all the things that my girlfriend wont, full-screen, you awaken from a dead sleep and run through the floor-to-ceiling blinds. I often shriek and my hard phallus, brilliantly backlit by the glow of the monitor, falls limp like a rhubarb stalk at the bottom of a Safeway bin. This wouldnt be so bad if I didnt have an entire row of apartments whose living room windows directly face me. For the love of my erection and reputation, or my love of my erection and reputation, keep on sleeping when Im a jerkin. I should have gotten a ferret. Hugs and purrs, Your owner. P.S. And dont stare at my balls. You give the same look to a string before youre about to pounce on it. That frightens me.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around my f__ing living room <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-01T15:14:50-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/214756119.html Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn text Free box o' crap (now with NEW! BONUS crap!) PPU http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/163677746.html This crap may have found a home, stay tuned. Thanks to all who responded, you made my night, too :) Alright, so I finally got around to cleaning out my closet. Yikes. Parents, when your kids move out of the house, check in on them once a week so that they don't end up with the mess I have. I seriously went into my closet with a head lamp and a sherpa to guide me. Anyway, this is the salvagable crap that has come out so far that I really have no use for. In fact, I never had any use for it and can't figure out how it got into my closet to begin with. But, without further ado, my list of crap that I would love to pass onto you so that it can maybe live in your closet. (1) Set of never used, but out of the box and way outdated, IBM speakers. I'm guessing they work, but since they have "Never been used" I really can't attest to that one way or another. (1) Epson Stylus Color Ink Cartridge sealed in the box. Says best used by 3/06, but does ink really go bad? It's not like you're going to eat it, right? (1) Sycuan Casino and Resort insulated lunch bag. I don't think it's ever been used and it doesn't smell funky..... (1) DSL cable, gently used, very, very, very long. (1) Rabbit ear style T.V. antenna. I don't know if people even have tvs that use those anymore, I don't know how it found it's way into my closet but I guess if you wanted to you could use it as a center piece for the dining room table. Just imagine the conversation that would spark! Just added! (1) Extension cord, white, gotta make sure it matches, right? Possibly 6 feet, but I can't find the measuring tape and my foot isn't quite a foot. (1) Set of miscellaneous cords. I don't know what they are for, but they'd make a nifty necklace! For the computer geek/jewelry lover in your life! (1) Reddish/pinkish eyeglasses case, just the case. Good condition. Never been stepped on, sat on or run over by a car. That I know of. (1) Yoga mat. I've never used it, my sister may have used it once, but it looks brand new and still has that "New Yoga Mat" smell. Its non-skid and rubber, black in color. (1) Telephone cord. Maybe you need a longer one, maybe you're using it for something else. Either way, I don't care, just take it off of my hands and don't implicate me in anything. Texas doesn't need to know where I am. (1) Motorola phone charger. With two prongs, so if you have a motorola phone and the girl end on your phone looks like it may need a two boy end charger, this one might work. It's a home charger, plugs into the wall. And again, if you choose to use it for something other than it's intended purposes, not my fault. (1) Dean Koontz paperback. Old, worn, and the same one I've been trying to get rid of for at least 5 years now. Somehow it keeps returning to my bathroom. PLEASE take it and lock it somewhere so that it can't find its way back to me. (Title is possibly "Funhouse" I'm afraid to go look, as this book has been stalking me for years and I finally got it contained in the box.) So, please, please come and get this box o' crap. I don't want it, I don't need it and if I don't get a response, I guess it's all going into the trash can. But in all honesty, if it inspired me to write something this fun and witty, imagine what it could do for you!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Santee <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-22T19:50:32-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/163677746.html Free box o' crap (now with NEW! BONUS crap!) PPU text Thank you, people who dumped my dogs at the shelters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/148610147.html I wanted to say "thank you" to the people who dumped my dogs at the shelters. I read the behavioral notes, I heard what the staff said about what YOU said to them, when you dumped these two dogs. And all I can say is -- thank you. Because of you, I have been blessed. Dog #1: Almost seven years ago, I went to the shelter and saw a dog on his last day. According to the notes, he was an owner turn-in because she was pregnant and they "didn't have enough time for the dog". The notes also mentioned you guys were afraid that the dog, a whopping 50 pounds, might hurt a newborn, even though I don't think I've ever heard of Border Collies doing that. (Maybe you misheard... Perhaps they said "herding", not "hurting"?) THANK YOU SO MUCH. I took him home and found him to be the politest dog I've ever met, and having had dogs all my life, that's saying a LOT. He was housebroken, he was gentle, he learned to heel off-lead, sit, stay, down-stay (timed him at half an hour, unmonitored, on three seperate occasions). I can tell him to get into the tub and bathe him without needing to drag him, restrain him, or wrestle him -- no collar, no lead! When we go hiking, parents stop and tell me my dog is better behaved than their kids. (Are you ever going to walk by with your six-year old, who will probably want to pet this gentleman, and think -- "Hmmm, that looks an awful lot like my old dog?") This dog is so striking in looks and obedient in manner that I've had a Nutro rep tell me he should be their poster dog. And he CAME this way -- I didn't have the puppy phase, the teething, the housebreaking, the gawky phase. He's always been this graceful, polite, amazing dog who gets along with dogs, cats, kids (he would have been great with your kid). Thank you SO MUCH for giving him up! Dog #2: After a few years, I started looking to add another furkid to my family, since I have the room and the love. After seeing a purebred languishing in a shelter for weeks, and calling, and the shelter staff told me NO ONE had come out to see her (because she wasn't a puppy?), I checked her out. According to the notes, and to the shelter staff who were there when you dumped her off, you didn't want her anymore because she "didn't get along with your other dogs." I'm not sure what that means, because I took ten minutes to watch her, and she seemed terrified of everyone, people AND dogs AND cats. And to you, I say THANK YOU. I brought her home and she perked up when she met my other dog. My cats told her that she wasn't going to boss them around, and boy did she pay attention. It was a wonderful treat to find out she was housebroken, that she didn't destroy a dang thing (I do so like these older dogs!), she was calm, and snuggly, and played with my dog, and my friend's dog, and she smiles and wags her entire body when I come home. At night, she curls up next to my other dog. She dances for me when she sees the leash, and she's turning out to be an awesome walking and running partner. When she's not excited about going out, she's a complete and utter couch potato, and I feel like I have the best of both worlds. In fact, I think I have the best dogs I could possibly have -- and all without housebreaking, potty training, chewing, digging, puppy obedience classes, and the rest. All I did was come pick them up when you dropped them off, and pay a pittance of a fee (how much are Maltipoos and Cockapoos and Labradoodles nowadays?) So thank you, people who dumped my dogs at the shelters. You'll never know what you gave me -- because you probably had no clue what you were giving up. But the dogs are home now, and safe, and loved, and will be, for the rest of their days. I think if they could, they would pass along their thanks, too.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-05T19:15:40-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/148610147.html Thank you, people who dumped my dogs at the shelters text RANT: The Rules of Breaking Up http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/127111642.html There seems to have been some confusion regarding division of property and space since we have broken up. YOU, hereafter referred to as the Dumper, do not retain the same rights to such things as ME, hereafter referred to as the Dumpee. Clearly the Dumpee has been wronged (except in certain situations, see Section 1(b) below), and thus retains more rights than the Dumper. To clarify, I have assembled a crack legal team to outline this document, so that you will quit being a complete and total prick. Actually, not all of these things apply to us, but for the sake of friends, family, and members of the general public who have also been Dumped, Ive included other situations. This document applies only to those relationships that involved terms such as boyfriend and girlfriend, not couples who have taken that long argumentative road-trip that ends in the State of Matrimony. Caveats have been made for engagement, as most rules still apply. Section 1: Terms of Separation (hereafter termed the Breakup) (a) The rights of the Dumpee shall be directly proportional to the severity and immaturity of the methods of Separation used by the Dumper. For example, a Dumper (hereafter termed a Good Dumper) who breaks up with Dumpee face-to-face, in person, in a private place, and outlines issues which the Dumpee was aware of, and in fact is not too surprised at, with said discussion ending in a tearful hug cherished by both parties, and perhaps an incident of Goodbye Sex, shall not be severely punished. However, a Dumper (hereafter termed a Bad Dumper) who breaks up with a Dumpee in an especially cowardly way, such as over the phone, through email, or by having a friend tell the Dumpee, shall experience extensive limitations on rights after the Breakup. Most severely punished shall be those Dumpers (hereafter termed Assholes) who repeatedly Breakup and then Beg Forgiveness, and Dumpers who have Cheated. (b) Exceptions to the Dumper/Dumpee division of rights are as follows: Dumpees who provoke the Breakup by avoiding the Dumper until such time as the Dumper feels forced to end the relationship. Dumpees who intentionally get caught Cheating and are shortly afterward, Dumped. These Dumpees shall be considered as Dumpers for the purposes of this document. Section 2: Division of Property and Space (a) Material Property (1) If the Dumper is a Good Dumper, all material property that Dumper brought to the relationship shall be returned to the Dumper. Likewise, all property the Dumpee possessed before the relationship shall be returned to the Dumpee. (2) If the Dumper is a Bad Dumper, or an Asshole, Dumpee has the right to destroy or sell any property left for any period of time in the Dumpees possession. This includes, but is not limited to, furniture, electronics, kitchen wares, clothing, CDs, and cars. Dumpee is aware that destruction of items holds a possibility of legal ramifications and continuous retaliation, and destroys Dumpers property then at their discretion. (b) Gifts (1) Dumpee retains all rights to gifts he or she received during the relationship, especially expensive ones. In the case of a Good Dumper, Dumpee can determine whether return of these gifts is acceptable. If the Dumper was female, and the Dumpee was male, and said parties were engaged, and said engagement ended in a Good Breakup, the engagement ring should be returned to the Dumpee. If the Dumpee does not want the ring, the Dumper can sell it on Craigslist and split the profits with the Dumpee. Bad Dumpers and Assholes retain no rights to jewelry or cars. (2) Dumpee can, if feeling spiteful, box up all gifts received from the Dumper and return them to Dumper with a tear-stained letter. Dumper should feel sufficiently bad, and should not, under any circumstances, maintain possession of these gifts in order to give them to future Girlfriends/Boyfriends. Said gifts should be sold and Dumper is then welcome to use the money to take a vacation to Tahoe and hopefully, break their leg skiing. (c) Exchange of Property (1) If the couple was living together, and the Dumper has moved out, the Dumper should send a friend to pick up his or her belongings. The exception is a Good Dumper, who may be on sufficiently good terms with Dumpee to come back and retrieve their own things. If this is the case, it should still be done while the Dumpee is Not Home. Bad Dumpers and Assholes forfeit their belongings, as outlined in Section 2: (a)2. (2) If the couple was living together, and the Dumpee has moved out, the Dumpee will send a friend to pick up his or her belongings at an appointed date and time. Said friend will not be late and will not linger. Said friend may make a few rude remarks to the Dumper, but such remarks should be brief and to the point. Again, if the Dumper is a Good Dumper, the Dumpee can pick up their own belongings when the Dumper is Not Home. (3) If the couple did not live together, exchange of property should be done in public at an appointed date and time. Both parties shall be on time and shall not linger. Again, rude remarks shall be brief. (4) Items not claimed by the Dumper within one calendar month after the Breakup are the property of the Dumpee, unless exchange of property arrangements were made prior to the end of that month. Likewise is true for items not claimed by the Dumpee. (5) Items that Cannot Be Found by either party shall be considered a lost cause after one month. If it was really that important, you shouldnt have let that idiot have it. (d) Big Ticket Items (1) If the relationship included the purchase of a car, a house, a prize-winning show dog, or other such item of which you now both have dual legal ownership, you are in Deep Shit. Maybe you should have thought about making that kind of investment together before you pissed your whole life away? Wait until youre married, dumbass. (e) The Pet (1) See Section 2: Article (d)1 first. If you still want to deal with the Pet (hereafter termed the Dog), well continue. Dogs that were owned by either party before the commencement of the relationship shall return to their original owners. Dogs acquired during the course of the relationship shall preferably go with the owner who gave them the most care. Cmon, you know theres one of you who did all the feeding, the training, the walking, the pooper-scooping, the leash-buying and the ball-tossing. The Dog goes with that one. Except in the case where that person is a Bad Dumper or an Asshole, in which case, Dumpee retains possession of the Dog. There shall be no Split Custody, or Visitation Rights involving the Dog. Its not good for the Dog, and its not good for you. If all things regarding the Dog were absolutely equal, then a Poll of Friends may be taken, or a Coin may be Flipped. Decisions made by PoF or CF about the Dog are final. If you did not get the Dog, and you are distraught, wait 2 weeks until your head clears, and then go to the Humane Society and get another one. You will be much happier that way. (f) The Kid (1) Sigh. Okay, first see Section 2: Article (d)1. You are an idiot. Havent you heard of birth control? Well now its not just you in this boat, so a lot of the earlier terms and conditions about Dumpers and Dumpees may not apply. Even if your Breakup involved a Bad Dumper or an Asshole, you will have to be nice, for the Sake of the Kid. This is really outside the range of this document, so go to court and try not to screw up your Kids life any more than you already have. Section 3: The Friends (a) The Dumpee gets the Friends. Sorry, dems da breaks. If you were smart about picking your relationship, you were dating somebody who was not from your immediate circle of friends, so when you Breakup, you each go cry to your respective group and everything is dandy. Unfortunately, many friends become Booty Calls, which can then become That Girl Im Sorta Dating, which can then become Your Girlfriend. Relationships over one year also have a high incidence of Combined Friends. Regardless, the Dumpee still gets the Friends! But there are some details/exceptions/conditions associated with the possible future division of Friends, so here they are: Specifics of Division of Friends (1) In the case of a Good Dumper, Split Custody is acceptable. Within the first 6 months, a Good Dumper has the right to still hang out with the Friends, but only if the Dumpee is not present. After 6 months, it is acceptable for the Dumper to call the Dumpee and request mutual access to the Friends. If Dumpee is amenable, the two may attend a party or barbeque together with the Friends. The Good Dumper is at all times aware of the Dumpees feelings, and will be the first to leave if things get awkward. After one year, expect normal Friend-Dumper-Dumpee interactions to resume. If you got dumped by a Good Dumper and you are all hanging out again after a year and youre totally cool and youre not strongly reconsidering getting back together, then Damn. Hes probably gay. Thats cool that you guys are still friends though. Maybe you can shop and stuff. (2) In the case of a Bad Dumper, Visitation Rights are acceptable, under some circumstances. Bad Dumper only retains Friendship Rights with his or her Best Friend, and then, only at Best Friends discretion. Everyone else is fully justified in telling you to piss off. After one year, a Split Custody arrangement may be made, but Bad Dumper is never to be allowed at a party that the Dumpee is attending. This must be enforced strongly by Friends and the Dumpee. (3) In the case of an Asshole, no rights are retained regarding the Friends. Not even to the Best Friend. You fucked up but good, so now go find yourself a bunch of shallow, selfish people just like yourself, so you can all get drunk and stab each other in the back. This also applies to such Dumpers described in Section 1; Article (b), as those Dumpers who pose as Dumpees are especially despicable. (b) Relationships with Friends after the Breakup (1) Under NO circumstances is a Dumper allowed to sleep with any of the Friends after the Breakup. ESPECIALLY the Dumpees Best Friend, but truly, there are NO exceptions. Even if she says its okay. Even if you guys have a long talk about it and she says its fine and she wants you to be happy. You better take a good look at a girls Friends before you get Committed, because if you would ever like to possibly sleep with one of those girls, you should not enter into the Relationship. Good Dumpers who break this rule can then be qualified as Bad Dumpers. Sleeping with the Best Friend immediately qualifies you as an Asshole. (Best Friend can also then be Broken Up With, and most of the terms of this document apply.) Remember, Assholes are open to justifiable destruction of property, and are often deserving of a swift kick in the Balls. Section 4: The Neighborhood (a) The Dumpee retains all rights to the Neighborhood, including but not limited to, grocery stores, shopping malls, dog parks, coffee shops, bars, hang-outs, strip malls, carwashes, and restaurants. If the Dumper sees the Dumpee in one of these places, the Dumper must immediately leave. The only exception is a Good Dumper who is back on Good Terms with the Dumpee, especially one year or more after the Breakup. See Section 3; Article (a)1 for details. All terms of this document are not legally binding, but they make a hell of a lot of sense. Don't be an Asshole, and your life will be so much easier. (In case you didnt get it, this means I get the stuff, the friends and the hangouts. Quit whining about your freaking sweatshirt and stay the fuck away from me.) webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-20T17:33:03-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/127111642.html RANT: The Rules of Breaking Up text RAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/111973284.html Baby, looking around at others in my life, listening to the mumbles around the water cooler, reading the poor R&R's about torn love, I just wanted to thank you for being you. For making me laugh when I have a hard day, & not telling me how to solve my problems, but just listening to them. Thanks for never disrespecting me in front of the guys. And for letting me have my motorcycle as long as you get to ride it with me now & again. Thanks for not being sooo into your looks, that you order salad every meal, but thanks for staying in shape & looking great when we go out. Thank you for your unbending backbone of morals that made us both wait until our wedding night for sex, I have never had a more spectacular or giving lover. Thank you for not falling into the trap of thinking that tons of eye shadow, huge fake boobs (yuck), kissing other girls, or wearing revealing clothes is what makes a woman appealing. Thank you that your natural beauty inside & out makes you the ultra feminine beauty you are. Thanks for not burning EVERY dish, thanks for trying, & thanks for taking ME out to dinner when the smoke alarm goes off. Thanks for gently laying your hand on my leg under the table of the lunch meeting we had with that realtor when we got nervous about negotiating. You are my rock. Thanks for not looking at Brett's Corvette with that gleam of envy I see in other womens eyes. Thanks for never obviously checking out my older & much more handsome brother. Thanks for telling me when Austin hit on you, it was brave & I'm glad that jerk is out of our lives. Thanks for doing the chores I hate because I do the ones you hate. Thank you for letting me be a man to you. For letting me teach you how to shoot a gun, clean a fish, & change a tire in case I'm not there. Thank you for teaching me that being devoted to you meant happiness, not a chokehold. Thanks for the attention & affection you show me in public, you do it in such a soft way, but somehow it makes me feel more like a man. Thanks for understanding why sometimes I just need guy time & thanks for not making a big deal about it when I stay out late. Thanks for the time at work when all the guys were talking about who had a cheating spouse, that Bob said to me, "Sam you're a lucky bastard. Your wife wouldn't cheat on you if you were dead. I've seen the way she looks at you, she's still in love." I blushed in front of the guys & didn't even care. Thanks for working hard when I got laid off, & not complaining, even though you KNEW for that first week I just moped & watched TV instead of looking for work right away. You are my superwoman, my friend, my lover, & I never want another. You made me wait to get to know you, get close to you, & make love to you. After being married 14 years, nothing has changed. Thank you most of all, for keeping your promises to me. Among many other things, you promised to be honest & do whatever you needed to make us happy & make us work, & it looks like we have both enjoyed the fruit of our promises to each other. I love you alone. Sam webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-17T12:33:35-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/111973284.html RAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! text Dear Neighbors: I HATE your Chihuahua http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/106557572.html I hate to tell you this because as far as I'm concerned, you guys are the PERFECT NEIGHBORS. Seriously. I never hear a peep out of you! You're private, you keep to yourselves, yet you're both still friendly and willing to offer a wave and a smile. You never complain. You take great care of your house and yard. You guys are THE BEST! I love you. I really do. But I really... really... really... HATE YOUR CHIHUAHUA. Your Chihuahua barks constantly, all day long. BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! I can't use (bark bark) my computer for very (bark bark) long because my office is (bark bark) on the (bark bark) same side of (bark bark) the house as (bark bark) the room in which (bark bark) you keep (bark bark) your Chihuahua, so (bark bark) the entire time (bark bark) I'm trying (bark bark) to type (bark bark) I get (bark bark) to hear (bark bark) your dog (bark bark) letting his (bark bark) displeasure (bark bark) be known (bark bark). I can't (bark bark) turn the TV up (bark bark) loud enough (bark bark) to (bark bark) drowned out (bark bark) the noise (bark bark) because it leaves (bark bark) me with a splitting (BARK BARK!) headache and ringing ears. (bark bark) I can't do ANYTHING in my own house without having to listen to; BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! Please don't get me wrong, I'm not an angry, anal retentive, complain-y, intolerant type of person. I have dogs too! I know how dogs can be and I understand that when you get a new dog, there's sometimes a period of adjustment. But it's been THREE WEEKS. For the love of GOD- ADJUST ALREADY!!! Please (bark bark) please (bark bark) please (bark bark) do something about(bark bark) your dog. (bark bark) I'm BEGGING you. (bark bark) I'm LOSING my fucking mind (bark bark) listing to it (bark bark) all day long (bark bark) for what (bark bark) seems like (bark bark) an endless (bark bark) eternal (bark bark) Hell. I hear him when I'm making coffee, I hear him when I'm checking email, I hear him when I'm on the toilet, I hear him when I'm trying to watch tv, I hear him even if the volume is on high. I'm starting to twitch each morning when I wake up because I know as soon as I open my bedroom door, I'll be greeted with; BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! I'm grinding my teeth during the day (my dentist says I've lost some enamel) and I've developed headaches that last for hours, all thanks to your Chihuahua who I'm SURE is a lovely dog when he has all the attention that shivery, neurotic little Chihuahuas are known for needing. It's just that you aren't there (bark bark) to give him (bark bark) the kind of attention (bark bark) necessary (bark bark) in order (bark bark) to keep (bark bark) him from developing (bark bark) obsessive (bark bark) compulsive (bark bark) barking (bark bark) syndrome (bark bark). There's a Petsmart just down the street- please buy him some chew toys to keep him busy during the day. Hire a trainer. Get some tranquilizers from the vet. Call Dr. Dog. Do whatever you have to do. JUST SHUT HIM UP! webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-25T10:18:03-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/106557572.html Dear Neighbors: I HATE your Chihuahua text Ode to my hair http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/102581037.html Oh, hair. Why do you torment me? Other women have glossy, shiny, bouncy hair. Hair that gets songs written about it. Hair that gets stares and sighs. Be the girl with the hair! Ive tried to take care of you. Ive washed you, conditioned you, styled you, brushed you. Ive used natural shampoo, henna, beer, highly expensive chemical concoctions, three minute miracles, long term plans, and overnight protein packs. And here you sit, looking stupid AGAIN. Another day of looking like I slept in the park. First of all, youre blond at the ends, red in the midsection, and gray at the roots. I dyed you dark brown. What the hell happened? There are no dark brown hairs left. They fled within a week of the dye job. How can something stain my carpets permanently but leave no mark on my head? Secondly, you drink conditioner like youre a frat boy sucking suds. Ive conditioned you every damn day, and youre crispy and frizzy. Today I didnt even use shampoo, just conditioner, and youre still a fried mess. Would one day of shine kill you? And lets talk about the cut. I have no money to blow, so I cant afford a good expensive cut. I can afford Supercuts, maybe, but that way Id have a short stupid haircut. So I dont cut it, and now I have a long stupid haircut. I keep it long so I have styling options, because maybe someday Ill come up with something that looks good. Riiiiiiight. Ive seen women with beautiful hair. I know they exist Rapunzel and Godiva and the Breck Girl and the bitch in the office next door. They have glorious gorgeous fabulous tresses. I wish I could have them, just for a day. But noooooo. You perch atop my head, like a fuzzy lopsided stringy nasty dead wombat. You are the cockroach in the hot fudge sundae of my life. Screw you, Im buying a hat. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-07T12:11:16-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/102581037.html Ode to my hair text jedi mind trick does not work on women http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/76163926.html I saw revenge of the sith at noon today. After I got high as kite tonite and went down to beach, you know by tower 21. Wow, the women were so hot, and next to me was a fine little brunette, black bikini and those chanel shades. No matter how hard i concentrated and said 'horny you are, want me you do', nothing happened. I think women may be sith in disguise. So I spoke to her, all she was interested in was my beer, she was no sith, just a bitchy princess with a nice ass. So I tried to use the force to undo her top, no success, but it did get chilly and her nipples poked out, so I offered to show her my light saber, she ran away. That was it, the force is useless on the beach, you're better off with 6-pack abs and a 6-pack of beer. Next I will try and use my jedi abilities on lesbians, I have a good feeling about this, well at least in my pants. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-31T00:45:24-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/76163926.html jedi mind trick does not work on women text Final Call For Contest Entries -- Michael Jackson Suicide Contest http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75313138.html I predict that Michael Jacksons sexual abuse trial will end in his suicide. Further, I predict that his death will be by overdose of sleeping pills, that it will occur in the very early morning (say, around 1:30 AM) on June 17th, and that he will be found in the master bedroom of his Neverland home. I propose a contest. The winner of the contest will be the one who selects the time of MJs suicide the most closely. In the case of near-ties, correct selection of the method and place of suicide will be given weight. I shall serve as judge, and my judgment will be final and, likely, capricious. Prizes are as follows: Grand Prize: An autographed 8x10 framed picture of my gorgeous dog, Nukka. Second Prize: A white right-hand glove, size mans medium. Third Prize: A bootlegged MP3 of Michael Jacksons Leave Me Alone, sent to the email address of the winners choice. Obviously, if Michael Jackson does not commit suicide, the game is canceled, and prizes will not be awarded. Death that is not ruled suicide, but is suspicious, will be treated as suicide for the purpose of this contest at my sole discretion. Unsuccessful attempts at suicide do not count, although anyone who comes close to identifying the time of Michael Jacksons attempted suicide will receive due mention in this forum. My friends, family, and pets are disqualified from this contest. Entries must be submitted before the beginning of jury deliberation, whenever that may be. This contest will conclude upon Michael Jacksons acquittal, the dismissal of the charges against him, or the completion of his sentence. Submit your entries by responding to this post. To improve your odds of winning, be sure to include the following: Date and time of Michael Jacksons suicide Method of suicide Location of suicide The name or pseudonym by which you wish to be identified in this forum, should you win this contest. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-25T12:43:18-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75313138.html Final Call For Contest Entries -- Michael Jackson Suicide Contest text Potential Girlfriend: Please Apply Here http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75291386.html I'll start by listing a few things about me that are ambiguous enough that I could be a decent match with 85% of the craigslist female population. To maximize responses I will exaggerate my strengths and fail to mention any weaknesses. Hopefully this will generate enough replies so that I can be mildly entertained at work while continuing my quest for a potential mate. After my own personal enjoyment of your attempts to win me over, I will forward those I deem worthy to my friends for their approval. Once you pass the friend test I will begin my own calculated responses, bending truths and possibly lying to make myself appear as the greatest catch in San Diego (I actually am though). If we've made it this far there is a good chance I am very interested in meeting you. We will exchange emails for a couple of days and then... a) You will suddenly disappear off the planet. My hopes and ego will be crushed, my fear of rejection will once again surface, and I will go into a state of moderate depression until I get the nerve to post another craigslist ad. b) We meet! Except you are 200 pounds heavier than what your picture looks like. Don't you know that the ability to manufacture lies about personal appearance or personality is reserved only for the original poster? c) We meet! You look good and you have a great personality! Except I forgot that I exaggerated everything about me, and the pictures I sent you were chosen specifically for that purpose. After a few akward hours of hanging out I will never hear from you again. Unfortunately for me, all of these scenarios end up in masturbation. Yet still I post, hoping that one day I can discover the elusive 4th scenario, the one I was searching for the entire time. A future girlfriend. Oh right, I nearly forgot. I'm 23. I'm 6'2" and thin. I'm wickedly funny, extremely sarcastic. I have a great job. I like the beach. I enjoy listening to music. Attached is a picture of a very fat cat.  <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/9p/5U/GizBGBESIqfVxEPrcvgfr3rQ0z49.jpg"></td> <td align=center> </td></tr> <tr><td align=center> </td> <td align=center> </td></tr></table>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-25T11:02:15-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75291386.html Potential Girlfriend: Please Apply Here text How to tell your friend his cat's dead http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/71303052.html let me start by saying, i own a cat, love my pet, and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt it. With that said.... My friend was watching a mutual friend's cat while he was on vacation. Before he left, he warned that the cat was old (21 years old), and not doing so hot. He suspected that he was ready to die. Sure enough, the cat died on the last day of vacation. My friend asked me how he should tell him. I gave him these options to break the news. 1) "i've got good news and i've got bad news. bad news is, your cat's dead. the good news is that i saved a lot on my car insurance." 2) "hey, you're out of milk, the chips are stale, your cats dead, and the light bulb in the bathroom needs to be changed." 3) (when they walk into the apartment) *sniff* *sniff* "you smell dead cat??" 4) Leave a suicide note next to the cat with a finished bag of catnip mentioning how boring the sitter was. 5) "Are you still interested in those taxidermy classes?" 6) Get rid of the cat, draw a chalk out line, put up police tape all over the place, and act stupid. 7) "Will everyone with a live cat please step forward.....not so fast buddy." 8) "you have a couple messages: your mom called, she wants you to call her back; your landlord said the rent is late; your cat said 'bye'." 9) (when he picks him up from the airport) sitter: Let's play a game....Dead or human? owner: huh? ok. sitter: you ? owner: human sitter: me ? owner: human sitter: your cat? owner: huh ?!?!? 10) owner: thanks for watching the place. where are my keys ? sitter: oh, they're under your dead cat. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-02T14:00:18-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/71303052.html How to tell your friend his cat's dead text Door Nazi goes to the library http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70767282.html I am blessed, or perhaps cursed, with a rare talent. It works like gaydar, except that rather than detecting homosexuals, I can instantly pinpoint assholes and douchebags within a fifteen meter radius. You, sir, set off my dick-dar the moment I laid eyes on you. Despite your ugly mug and ragged clothes, you walked with the pompous arrogant swagger of a self-made billionaire or a grammy-award-winning rapper. If you're to have a shot at becoming either, I recommend that you lose the white-trash beard and the trailer park ponytail mullet. But I digress. You were walking in front of me, irately blathering into your cell phone at some woman dumb enough to involve herself in your life. "Why didn't you pick up the fucking phone earlier, huh?" Little insecure about not being able to talk to your chick exactly when you wanted to? Does she have to carry a pager everywhere? Is she allowed to leave the house without you? Based on your apparent insecurity, I am tempted to remind you that such an overbearing and possessive nature is often indicative of self-esteem issues linked to penis size. But once again, I digress. You got off the phone for long enough to reach the door of the library. I'm sure we all regret that. You reached for the door and pulled it open, pausing for a split second. And then, some poor bastard walked through it. The kid was maybe five feet tall and 90 pounds, and painfully shy by the look of him. People who only look up from their shoes to glance around nervously before looking back down are often not the most vocal people in the world, and yes, this means they can be a little bit unorthodox when it comes to exchanging pleasantries. In any case, he walked through the door you opened. Perhaps he was about to say "thank you," perhaps not. We will never know, because as soon as he got one foot through the door you jumped right down the little guy's throat. "YOU'RE WELCOME! YOU'RE WELCOME! WHAT TIME WOULD YOU LIKE ME HERE TOMORROW TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU?! WHAT TIME?!" God help him for not dropping to his knees and sucking your cock right there in the doorway. You held open a fucking door. You're an American hero. If nothing else, he should have invited you to come over for dinner and let you fuck his mom on the kitchen table during dessert. Naturally, he took off without looking back, perhaps fearing that you would light a match and breathe on him. You got right back on the cell phone, as polite and pleasant (and did I mention loud? because you were inside the library at that point) as ever: "I'M NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT ANYMORE!" You headed immediately for the bathroom, still yelling into your cell-phone. For a moment, I was tempted to follow you into the bathroom and repeatedly slam your head into an unflushed urinal. I could have swung you into a stall face first, holding the end of your redneck ponytail-mullet for leverage, before flushing your goddamn cell phone and stomping the shit out of your balls to prevent you from ever breeding. Yet I did not. Maybe I was just stunned that your dumb country ass was in a LIBRARY... on a UNIVERSITY CAMPUS no less. But I prefer to think that it was the deja vu that diverted my focus... Though I don't know how long ago, I distinctly remember being sick, with a hoarse, barely audible voice. I left the library from that very same exit. Someone held the door for me, but my fatigue and the accompanying blurred vision prevented me from making sense of the face. I croaked out a quiet "thank you," as loud as I could manage without straining my voice. I took a few steps outside when I heard a loud "YOU'RE WELCOME, ASSHOLE!" I turned and let out a slightly louder and infinitely sarcastic "thank you," despite the searing pain in my trachea. An ugly white trash face simply snorted at me and went through the door into the library... The first time I was far too sick to put up much of a fight. The second time, I was simply astonished to encounter you and remember you after all this time. There will be no walking away from our third encounter. I will pummel you senseless. I will grab you by your greasy mane and put my foot in your ass so hard that whatever your drunk uncle Zemus did to you in that area as a child will seem like a trip to Magic Mountain by comparison. I understand the importance of good manners in a smoothly-running modern society, and I can assure you that if you were to suffer severe internal injuries at my hand, the world at large would find my actions to be most polite. And I am quite certain that if I were to do so, you would no longer to consider an unspoken "thank you," as terrible of a breach of etiquette as, say, a surprise ass-beating. Bitch. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-29T01:39:07-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70767282.html Door Nazi goes to the library text I hate you http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70760129.html Why I probably hate you. Ive been here in SD for about one year. Its been long enough to agree with my first impressions of this place, which were negative, but offset by my rising property value, weather, fish tacos, a decent local video store, the ability to wear flip flops in Dec, and alcohol. The positives are still there, but you San Diego people continue to irritate me, and there is a very high chance that I hate you. Why do I probably hate you? Lets start with what you drive. During my long commute each morning and afternoon I believe that about one out of three vehicles on the road is an SUV or oversized truck. Obviously, if you drive one of these, you are evil and I hate you. Since you drive a SUV, you use more gas, which supports tyranny and theocracy of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iran, UAE (because you are from SD, you probably dont know what or where that is, but I dont want to teach you anything, I want to bitch at you). Because you drive these monster cars, you also may be making the world unsafe for our grandchildren, by producing more greenhouse gases, and you obviously do not care. Nor do you care about the fact that the bumper of your monster truck is raised up to skull crushing level, should you ever run into my childs car seat. I therefore hate 1/3 of San Diego, by my rough poll, because based on what you drive, you are evil. I reserve special hatred for hummer drivers: you are going straight to hell. High culture. San Diego has almost none. I met one person, other than myself, who has been to a cultural event more significant than a movie or rock concert. That person was from Boston. The only art museum worth driving to is in LA, its called the Getty, and its only worth going to for the views. Next to East Coast museums it contains random cast offs. The art galleries that dot places like La Jolla must sell the unsightly to the unwitting. There is little literature. There are a few readers, and many watchers of every banal TV show created. People in San Diego are those for whom TV advertisements are designed, like SUV commercials. For those whos last true cultural event, play, museum, symphony was never, I hate you. For those whos last great book was along the lines of Wind in the Willows, (or even, shudder, Dr. Seuss) I have pity for you. I have met exactly no-one who considers literature as an important part of their life. Spookier, very few people have a similar replacement for an internal, personal, cultural and intellectual life. And no, TV doesnt count for that. Beach culture. This is an odd sort of culture, in that it is almost illiterate, but I suppose illiterate cultures do exist. This culture seems to exist primarily to sell plastic things to tourists, who confuse San Diegos beaches and their 40 degree waters with the great beaches in tropical locales. The beaches also serve as a social structure for addicts of various types, and any stroll on the beaches is likely to turn up as many alcoholics, addicts, and insane homeless people as seashells. To the guy who broke into my car at PB: I really hate you. If I could find you, Id start by breaking your ankles, then, when youre not going anywhere, Id teach you to be nice. Another secondary purpose of the beach seems to drive up home prices to ever more silly levels. A glimpse of blue means many tens of thousands of dollars for those lucky 70 year olds and their families. What beach culture does not mean is anything productive whatsoever. People who are part of the San Diego beach culture, I hate you. Stop taking yourself seriously; beach culture is mostly sloth and wasted human potential with some criminal accomplishments and tourist traps, nothing more. Furthermore, the people out here have the delusion that SD is the most perfect place to live. Any words to the contrary are followed by, But this is the most perfect place, isnt it nice out? Are you all on Soma? Your eternal happiness: I hate it. Work. San Diegans crowd the highways from 7:30 to 10 AM. Im sure theyre off to work. Most seem to work in real estate. I dont. I did come out here for a job, which I thought would be challenging, fun, and would bring me to a lovely part of the world and which Im happily leaving. Im going to make almost 50% more on the East coast on salary level, but Ill probably do even better with bonuses and options. Why are San Diegans' so cheap? Taking a salary hit so you can rent an apartment in PB and surf every day? I dont know. I just hate you for being cheap. To the guys over at Salk: I dont hate you, I want a cure for the diseases Ill eventually get. So keep it up. I wish you could get to work faster though. Like most people who live in San Diego, its highly unlikely that youre actually from San Diego. (Especially if youre a brilliant researcher). The only people I like in SD are people who just moved from somewhere else, and confess to me that people here have nothing interesting to say. After about 5 years these expats go native and turn banal and throw out their books. Where do you go over weekends? You go to malls, usually strip malls, where you buy shit, and may even rarely buy a mass consumption book and consume soulless coffee and sugar in mass quantities. I hate strip malls. The only people who go to malls should be old people. I generally like old people, who actually suffered through their lives before SUVs and made the world a better place. San Diego contains more retirement homes than good bistros. Old people are everywhere in this city of sprawl and density. I see more medical supply stores than your revolting In&Out stands. And I do not hate the old people, unless they drive SUVs (rare, SUVs appear to be owned by fat white men and sometimes driven by their fat wives). Sports: I hate paying taxes into this city who then allows a ridiculous football team to bend them over and fuck them while taking my money and any roids they can bring across the border. San Diego football, I hate you (and I have met exactly two Chargers fans, whom I obviously hate). Which of course, leads to the government the San Diegans chose. Corruption vs. incompetence is the rule, as is re-election of all guilty parties, the general public neither cares nor has other options. They owe millions to a pension plan that they wanted to ignore and make go away, except it didnt. This appears to be the city governments general plan: ignore any problem and hope it goes away. Its worked so far for pollution (out to sea, over the border), traffic (I hate 5, 8, 805, 52 no good public transportation, of course, because that was just a pretend promise), immigration (Sponge Bob is less porous than our borders), and lack of attention to schools, which rank low (want your kid to learn how to play a musical instrument: pony up some cash). San Diego government big wigs who are corrupt, incompetent, and lazy, I hate you. The mayor just quit, which speaks volumes about the character of the people out here: the going gets tough, the San Diegan retires (to their million dollar house they got for 2000 bucks in 1980). The next person in line for mayor is a guy who is fighting a federal corruption charge, and who may go to jail while mayor. The person who really won the last election is part of the beach culture, and speaks about as slowly as someone with Parkinsons after three Xanax and five joints. Her vocabulary and apparent intelligence is on par with the best public education San Diego provides. She appears to have been part of SDs beach culture long enough to have a case of skin leather that could block anything N. Korea could throw at us. Seriously, could the military people take a look at Frys face? She may provide materials that could make Americas missile defense unnecessary. All these people and who-ever Im not mentioning: just go away like the mayor did. Please. Youre from San Diego, you know you have it in you to quit. Please do so tomorrow. You are all so shitty and worthless that youre not worth hating. Overall you might think Im filled with hate. But thats not true. I just hate San Diego. And most of the people who live here. Im leaving. Goodbye. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-28T23:08:54-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70760129.html I hate you text Kind sirs, please abstain from having sex with my roommate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69920575.html Gentlemen, I implore you: please do not have a threesome with my roommate. Perhaps my concern over this matter is due to my own negligence. You see, I moved in to this apartment several weeks ago under certain pretenses. When I first met the young lady who inhabited it, I was not put off by the prospect of moving in with her, as I did not find her attractive. To be sure, there was nothing wrong with her in terms of either appearance or personality, but she seemed rather ordinary; perhaps even mousey. Until today, every time we have encountered one another her hair has been up, her face free of any kind of makeup, and her wardrobe appeared limited to baggy jeans and sweatshirts. As such, I had no doubts about my ability to move in to the second bedroom and share the apartment with her on a purely platonic level. After all, what man in his right mind would willingly take on a roommate that he was sexually attracted to? Such an unholy union of hormones and personal finance decisions could lead only to disaster. I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when I saw her dressed to go to a club this evening. She passed me on her way out, and for a moment I had no idea who she was or what she was doing in my apartment. She wore tastefully applied makeup and let down her hair, which I had no idea was so long, so lustrous, and so wonderfully girly-smelling. Her thin tank top gave just hint of her marvelous cleavage (did she even HAVE breasts before today?) as well as a delicious view of a small tattoo on her shoulderblade and another, larger one on the small of her back. Her form-fitting low rise jeans and high-heeled leather boots perfectly accentuated her ass, which I quickly noticed was shaped like a little upside-down heart. I love that. She simply smiled at me and said: "don't wait up," while I sat at the table attempting to put my tongue back inside my head. For the next six hours, I marveled over what I had seen. I successfully fought the urge to do anything creepy or pervy while she was out, though I was tempted to take a look through her room to get an idea of what kind of lingerie she owns. Such information would be enormously valuable in my sexual fantasies, but fortunately I am a man of considerable restraint. I contented myself with passing the time, alternately watching television and pacing the apartment picturing her naked. My heart skipped a beat as I heard her key slide into the lock. I would get to check her out again as she walked from the living room to her bedroom! I was disheartened when she stumbled through the door giggling, and the emotion was compounded when you two gentlemen followed behind her. Clearly the three of you were quite drunk. I did find it rather comical how she mixed up your names, though I can't say I remember either of them. You all used the bathroom, two times each, leaving the other two to make uncomfortable drunken small talk with me each time. Then the three of you retired to her room, though I feel I must warn you that these walls are paper-thin. I can clearly hear quite a lot of giggling, as well as the bass of your voices and an occasional cooing noise from her. After careful analysis of these sounds, I have decided that sex has not taken place... yet. I beg of you, please refrain from having sex with her. My sexual fantasy has only just begun a few hours ago, and I fear that I shall never recover it should it become permanently attached to the sounds and mental images of my luscious roommate being tag-teamed by your ugly drunken bodies. I now know that my formerly unremarkable wallflower has the capacity to transform herself into a ravishing little sex kitten. I only hope that she will once again come home drunk and horny, only this time all alone, with no one but me to comfort her in her uninhibited, deperate, inebriated haze of desire. Please sirs, give me this chance. I will gladly notify you afterwards, when things have become uncomfortable and awkward between us. At that time, you will be more than welcome to return and have your threesome with my hot roommate. I will even supply the condoms. At minimum, I hope you will have the at least the courtesy to be too drunk to get it up and fall asleep immediately afterward. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-24T04:19:17-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69920575.html Kind sirs, please abstain from having sex with my roommate text Souplantation http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69269904.html I like to eat at Souplantation because you can eat a reasonably healthy meal reasonably quickly, and they have a decent variety of grub available. I eat there maybe once a week on average. There are, however, a few things which prevent it from achieving dining perfection. 1) Overly-aggressive tray-grabbing drones. Look, I went to college. I got used to having a tray under my plate. I'm probably not the only one. I'm guessing that some of your patrons (not to mention some of your employees) prolly got used to eating from trays in The Big House. It's just not that big a deal, so please fuck off, OK? I know you're only doing your job, which is to send me the unsubtle message that I should hurry the fuck up, eat my meal, and get the fuck out of your restaurant. Guess what? That's my goal too! I don't want to spend any more time here than I have to. So if you grab at my plate one more time while I'm still eating from it, so help me God I will stab you with my butter knife. And no, I don't want a fucking cookie either. Just leave me alone. 2) Stupid-ass soup ponderers. OK people, this isn't that hard. They have four or five soups available. Some, like the chicken soup, are there every day and others rotate on a daily basis. Do not despair, there's a sign which tells you what they are. Convenient, no? So why in God's name do you stand there like you just beamed in from another planet, desperately trying to grok the concept of soup? Grab a fucking bowl, ladle some soup into it, and get the fuck out of my way! Is that really too much to ask? And you, Soup Walla: you should have figured out on your first day on the job that the chicken noodle soup is the most popular. It is damn fine. So... keep an eye on the kettle, eh? If I have to ask you one more time to refill the soup kettle, I'm jumping over the little plastic barrier and throttling you with my bare hands. You have been warned. 3) Stupid-ass salad bar wipers. Yes, your patrons are pigs, and make a mess of the salad bar in short order. So here's a concept - maybe it isn't such a hot idea to fill the little bins so freaking high. You know already