Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-08-28T19:00:25-07:00 2 daily seeking menstruating short-term friend - w4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1347840902.html Hi there. I am looking for a friend one who is currently or will soon be on her period. Mine is two weeks late and, while I know I'm not pregnant, I would like to kick-start mine to get back on my normal, lovely schedule. I would prefer it if you have a history of being dominant in these matters (i.e. do you have a history of setting other women's cycles?) so the chances are maximized. Must be willing to spend lots of time in a somewhat small space with me (we can watch cheesy romantic comedies in my walk in closet. or... maybe the living room) so the pheromones (that is the leading theory for why this works, right?) are sure to, uh, transfer (or whatever they do). And if you happen to know a bunch of other women who're also menstruatin', bring them too. And I know it's hot, so I'm offering to provide as much haagen dazs as it takes to make it through the heat. <ul> <li> Location: pacific beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T19:00:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1347840902.html seeking menstruating short-term friend - w4w text cock shot etiquette http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1337507697.html since so many guys post cock shots on CL, i thought i'd offer some advice from a woman's perspective on how to do it right. or better. first, have good lighting. maybe a soft glow or indirect light. it's pleasing to the eye. make sure you don't have alot of riff raff in the shot. after all, this is the pic that is going to make the ladies run to you. you know, get us in the mood because nothing turns a girl on more than your 9" tool and promises of all nighters. the riff raff you want to hide is your dirty laundry laying all over the bedroom floor, your twin bed, your roomies twin bed, trash, beer cans, bongs and please hide the many computer/tv cables snaking all around your student desk. also, we don't really want to see your tighty whities bunched down around your junk, your hairy gut or thighs or any kind of measuring device proving your inches. (to the guy who posted his cock shot posed all rigid like next to a bud beer can for measuring purposes or proof of his commoner status: way to rock the comedy world!) nor do we want to see your pants laying all around your feet so we can see your tool from above. this really makes the tube socks the issue at hand and you don't want that. the most important thing to keep in mind is location! i am begging you, as a lover of the 'big one', do not pose your dick over the toilet. we don't really want to see your bathroom shower doors or towels either. in fact, stay out of the bathroom. you guys need to think outside the box if you want to get in the box. be creative! pose your tool on black velvet. pose it on sheep skin. pose it with a piece of jewelry draping it's girth. oh! pose it with hundreds! pose it with keys to your jag or bmw m6 or 7 series dangling off the tip. if you have a prius or any kind of hybrid, don't use this method. wicked fast and expensive autos only. you see where i'm going? you can do so much more than this. women are tired of plain old cock shots. yeah, we love it, we want it bad, we want it 'all night long' (duh) but we need to see some creativity to get us to hit the reply button to 'hit you up'. i'm trying to help you boys get some.. <ul> <li> Location: lookinatit <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-22T21:50:32-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1337507697.html cock shot etiquette text Room above Seedy OB Bar http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1275894215.html If the look of peeling plaster and the stench of mold and vomit and urine don't bother you, then this might be exactly what you are looking for. I lived her for six years and only recently had to move out because my new girlfriend is super uptight about all the traffic and noise and chicks knocking on my door looking for a place to crash after drinking themselves into a slutty stupor. I don't know why she cares since she was one of those slutty chicks when I first met her. This place is a friggin freak incubator. Not kidding. Serious. Whenever you flush the toilet you have to call the bar so they can clear the area on the floor where the water leaks down from the ceiling. There was a stabbing in there one night about 2 years ago because someone thought someone else had thrown a beer at them, but it was just the water from the pipes pouring down on the stupid drunk fucks head. I do not require you to be drug free, you can have any number of people living with you, you can punch holes in the wall and throw furniture out the window.... I really don't mind. You don't have to do housework or give me blowjobs. You don't have to have a job or proof of income to qualify. I can tell if I can trust you just by smelling your underwear. Paying rent is the only thing that you have to do. Serious. The minute I even think you are going to stiff me on the rent you will suffer more pain than you could ever imagine. I don't care how you get the money, just as long as you have it not more later than the 3rd of every month. I can't tell you the name of the bar because if you know where it is then you probably have crashed out here or been to one of the many impromptu orgies that have been here. If I know who you are then I probably don't want to rent the place to you. I know a set up when I smell one, so don't get any stupid ideas. I'm not stupid, but I had a stroke and I talk like I'm stupid. Too much alcohol and drugs. But it's been fun. No one has ever completely died in this apartment, but the police and fire department make courtesy checks regularly in case anyone needs a trip to the hospital. Obviously this place is not for square johns. Abbot Street at Brighton Ave (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+Abbot+Street+at+Brighton+Ave+Ocean+Beach+Ca+US">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=Abbot+Street+at+Brighton+Ave&csz=Ocean+Beach+Ca&country=US">yahoo map</a>) <ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: Ocean Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-17T22:37:49-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1275894215.html Room above Seedy OB Bar text re: old bitches http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1184872154.html Life's a bitch, ain't it? You're missing a few stitches in your skull surgery. Maybe I can be of help: 1. Women do not age to piss you off. Rubber bozo dolls do not age as quickly; try one of those. 2. They do not live to please you; they just live. Age and the changes in their bodies catch them off guard too and they cope. Some get surgeries; some are charming enough that they don't need them. 3. They probably care about quality of life and so they may take care of themselves. They love the feel of their muscles and are happy for the energy they feel and that clothes fit well. They are not competing in a contest for your approval. 4. You're not as charming or attractive as you think you are. A young hottie may want...a young hottie. 5. You're getting older too. Hopefully, you do not get prostate cancer and can no longer get an erection. Who's going to love you then in your sex-obsessed life? You wanted a nympho and now you can't deliver. Now what good are you? 6. We meet you "tittie" guys all the time and feel sorry for your stupid simpleness. You're all the same - hanging out drinking beer with other guys (not women) and getting all skanky and talking about "titties" and acting as if the women who cross your pathetic paths are in a beauty pageant for your assessment. Truth be told? We are happy when you are not attracted to us. REALLY, really happy. We know you are lousy companions with less than zero to offer to make an interesting daily relationship. Zzzzzzzzzz. You've stopped reading, haven't you? A 3-D woman with a brain is boring. And the young, wild "girls" no longer cry over you the way they did when you were a boy of summer or a teen idol. It's the Al Bundy syndrome. The really "lucky" men have known someone that was so intriguing and special that he's happy she's still breathing. A disfiguring car accident, disease, or old age cannot blind him to that irreplaceable soul he would never trade for anything. And, if she left too soon, he would gladly give his man parts to have her back again and spends nights hoping that it's possible to be with her again after his life is over. Being presented with a younger, cheaper imitation of the real thing is just not acceptable. And he's daring enough to stay true to that 'til the end of his life...he's not desperate. Maybe he meets someone new? Maybe not. Anyone new would have to be as interesting or more so. So, us aging broads get it. We just feel sorry for you that you have obviously missed a crucial developmental, quality stage of life and are forever trapped in Disneyland. Most of us outgrew that phase. Good luck with the hotties - may they never grow old or seem unsatisfyingly immature to you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-23T03:46:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1184872154.html re: old bitches text MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1135908862.html ok. so i don't know really how to go about this. basically, i was your one night stand last night and need my most important idem of clothing back--> my bra. so yes, i was totally fine with the fact that when i left this morning we didn't exchange phone numbers (or names...); no big deal. but once i got home and sobered up, i realized, that we maybe should have because i left my bra at your house. first off, i want to get something clear. this is no victoria secret-esq type bra. this is an imported good were talking about. princess tam tam-french lingerie. ok. specifics about you. (what i remember.) they are not going to be too specific because my friends are on this all the time and think i took a cab home last night. you are: 1) outrageously tall and good looking. 2) a commercial real estate broker in the downtown area, but lives in coronado with an asian friend whom i believe, was celebrating his birthday. 3) going to gaslamp saturday night. 4) really into golf, in fact went friday. 5) a fan of red gummy bears. i am: 1) someone who obviously loves her underwear. 2) obsessed with french everything. 3) not really into children. something we have in common. 4) occasionally from time to time caught wearing my clothes inside out. 5) "anna"- (my name.) so, where to go from here. basically, i'm willing to do whatever it takes. i can come pick it up, you can mail it to me, i can just have you leave it outside your building at a certain agreed upon time. what ever. i hope to god you don't feel weird about this, because i don't. i obviously didn't leave it there on purpose. like i said, i'm not looking for you to take me out or call me. for god's sake, i'm resorting to craigslist for a grey bra. it's just a super cute one and i want it back. plus, it doesn't seem like you'll use it. you just didn't come off as that type. please people. if this is you, or sounds like someone you know who fits this "john doe" profile, please contact me. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-23T01:01:33-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1135908862.html MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. text WANTED: Manual for 1996 Model Male Child http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1108121076.html WANTED…. Owner Manual for a Male, 1996 Model Child I hope someone out there might be able to help. I need the detailed instruction manual for a 1996 model child. We are the original owners/parents. For the first ten years, no real complaints. Everything seemed to run smoothly and work great. Then suddenly I would notice little things here and there, like the child’s eyes rolling almost every time I spoke. This was one of the first of many malfunctions. A few of the others are: Child’s room, along with pretty much any place in the house he spends time in, are complete disaster zones. The upkeep is really taking its toll. Trails of little wrappers, garbage, empty food containers and dirty cups follow him everywhere. There is a odor always lurking from the room that can only be described as a mixture of dirty socks, ass & old pizza. The personal hygiene of the child has become a daily struggle. Child won’t even think to brush own teeth unless you stand there and oversee the whole process. This problem comes complete with refusal to put clean clothes on, doesn’t mind wearing smelly socks a second day. Subject has also begun to slam doors. The maintenance costs have also skyrocketed. The “needed” stuff to participate in all the typical daily male activities has gone up more than 500% in a 5 year period. Even with the added tax benefit he brings, I am WAY in the red on this investment. Recently during a regularly scheduled monitoring session, it was discovered that when child had friends over, they had looked at pornographic material on one of our home computers, quite unsettling. We’re also having several annoying communication errors. When the child is asked questions, or you try to talk to him, his answers almost always contain just one syllable, spoken in aggravated tone. Unit is also making a “Tssss” sound. This is often in conjunction with the eye rolling, and accompanied by a terribly disdainful vibe. If someone out there, anybody, anywhere, has the manual for this model child I’d gladly pay anything for it! Must contain the “Troubleshooting, Solutions & Adolescence” section. I’m sure many of you will just tell us to read the “Ass Beatings are a Good Thing” chapter. It probably would help the problem, & we haven’t yet ruled that out. Just want to start with the legal solutions. *** Although the trade in value for this specific child is nil due to his total lack of work ethic, foul smell & and refusal to contribute anything positive to his environment. But I’d be willing to trade for the right product upgrade. Would prefer a sweeter, later (2000 or newer) female model that enjoys snuggling, getting hair braided, shopping, playing dress up and exchanging compliments. Must smell like a rose. Will gladly pay difference. *** <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-05T09:41:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1108121076.html WANTED: Manual for 1996 Model Male Child text Craigslist CODES - translated http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1104651909.html m4m = I totally want to do anything that has the word "fuck" in it. m4w, w4m = I want to fuck you but I'll do dinner first if you want. strictly platonic = I want to fuck you but let's talk about something first. casual encounter = I want to fuck you and not have to pay much attention. missed connections = I want to fuck you and I hope you saw me standing ten feet away from you with a bunch of other people and you wanted to fuck me too and you just happen to be looking in CL and reading this right now and still want to fuck me. rant and rave = fuck you. <ul> <li> Location: san diego <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-02T19:19:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1104651909.html Craigslist CODES - translated text SPICY BUFFLO WINGS http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1053620172.html I GOT THE WRONG KIND NOW IM STUCK WITH A BOX OF SPICY BUFFLO WINGS. I CANT EAT SPICY FOOD CAUSE IT AFFECTS MY HEART AND IM THE ONLY ONE HERE. MY CATS WONT EAT THEM EITHER. I PAYED 6 BUCKS FOR THEM SO I DONT WANT TO THROW THEM AWAY AND I DONT THINK I CAN RETURN THEM IF THERE ALREADY OPENED. PLEASE COME AND GET THEM THERE TAKEING UP ROOM IN MY FREZZER. <ul> <li> Location: EL CAJON <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-27T17:41:33-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1053620172.html SPICY BUFFLO WINGS text Free 1998 BMW M3 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/968512408.html Should buff out however if you aren't the buffing type, probably best to bring a flatbed. <img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v323/Amallick/m3/iphone062.jpg"> <img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v323/Amallick/m3/iphone068.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Leucadia <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-23T19:41:40-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/968512408.html Free 1998 BMW M3 text To the Creeper in the Vibrator Aisle - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/914125588.html You: 5'11" thin Caucasian male, 50-60 years old. Me: 5'3" thin Asian female, glasses, World of Warcraft shirt. I looked up and our eyes met as you entered the store. I didn't make eye contact because I was interested; I merely looked up because the sound of the door had startled me. When I looked back down at the array of vibrators in front of me, it was NOT an open invitation for you to come up behind me and breathe down my neck. When I walked away quickly after you REACHED your arm around me in order to grab the rabbit vibrator I was eyeing, I was NOT playing hard to get. While I realize I may seem like I am unattached and possibly in need of a guy due to my obvious interest in games like World of Warcraft (my shirt), I have no problem piquing the interest of guys who are within my age range. While I realize that girls who make visits to their local pornery may seem like they are loose, strange, and particularly kinky, learn to not assume that they're interested in being followed by someone who roughly resembles their 11th grade AP History teacher. TLDR; Girls who go to the porn store probably enjoy sex, but realize that if they're even remotely attractive and young, they're probably not interested in fucking someone who is unattractive and in their 50s. If they ARE a part of the minority that are enticed by extremely older guys, they will likely approach you. Go away, Creeper; Lurk elsewhere. <ul> <li> Location: F Street, Chula Vista <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-10T19:40:30-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/914125588.html To the Creeper in the Vibrator Aisle - w4m text Looking for my SOLE-mate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/810581297.html My name is Right Shoe. I am a right shoe - Skechers circa 2003. I lost my "sole" mate on Saturday in Otay Mesa. His name was Left Shoe. You see, my owner, Left Shoe, and I were skydiving together, and as the chute opened, Left Shoe, my partner of 5 years, went flying away. I knew this would happen... I tried to tell my owner to tie us better, but he just wouldn't listen. (My owner has been learning how to speak Shoe... but talking to him is mostly like talking to a brick wall) Left Shoe and I have been inseparable these past few years, ever since we got identical Made In China tattoos. It's like we were made for each other; we were even the same size & color, and we enjoyed the same activities. We traveled everywhere together, and we were even planning on going to Japan together in September. Some people say Left Shoe jumped on purpose. Sure, we weren't in our prime anymore; Left Shoe especially got a lot of comments about being tattered and over the hill. But I know Left Shoe and he wouldn't do that to me. It was a bad day for Left Shoe because in the morning he stepped in gum, and then later he stepped in an unknown substance on the port-a-potty floor. But he was fine, and was excited to go skydiving. Left Shoe was resilient like that. I really miss Left Shoe. I've come to terms with the fact that I may never see him again. But I really just want to know what happened to Left Shoe... Did he land in a lake? or did the winds carry him out to sea? or did he leave a little crater somewhere from the impact? or maybe he burned up on re-entry in a blazing fireball of glory. If you know anything about what happened to Left Shoe, please contact me. I know I can't hope that Left Shoe is still alive, but I just want to know what became of Left Shoe... I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. --Alfred Lord Tennyson All my thoughts & prayers, Right Shoe <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-24T08:19:28-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/810581297.html Looking for my SOLE-mate text My Pubic Hair Epiphany http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html Vaginas are pretty. Ok, I don’t actually think that’s true. Its not any sort of inner self loathing, I just don’t find all the wrinkly folds and the odd array of skin tones very awe inspiring. Perhaps it’s that my aesthetics meter just isn’t calibrated properly. I also fail to see splendor when I look at babies. Perhaps you just need to be more familiar with an object to truly appreciate its subtleties and grace. For example it always seems to be mothers spouting on about the gorgeousness of babies and porn stars talking about beautiful beavers. All this being said I had an epiphany recently. A vagina has enough going for it that it’s worth the extra effort to stop that unruly mop from hanging in its eyes. My old view which was, “why not let the poor thing live out its homely life in peace”, has been changed to “my muff is like Allison from The Breakfast Club”. You might remember Allison, she was the depressed, unsightly gal with crazy hair that covered most of her face. But, at the end she lets Molly Ringwald’s character do her hair and you realize she’s actually quite lovely. Where is Molly Ringwald when you need her? What would cause this type of 180 you ask, online video porn of course. I was just introduced to the wonders of YouTube-like porn sites by my husband who swears he only hears about such things from his vulgar co-workers. Being a modern sort of couple we like to use technology to our advantage whenever possible – which includes huddling around a laptop in bed watching raunchy homemade video porn vignettes. After some sheepish discussion on what keyword searches we should try (btw, Abercombie & Fitch model seducing average looking woman in a Tahitian hotel bar before taking her out to his yacht to have hot, sweaty, above deck sex doesn’t turn up any results, so don’t bother), we hit upon “Eating Pussy Lesson”. I was thinking we would get something along the lines of “the clit is not a myth” and “yes you do actually need to put your mouth on it to be successful”, but what I got was much, much better. I mature blond woman – still a looker but someone you genuinely felt you could take anatomical advice from – gave the lesson on a young buxom blond in a bustier. Our teacher furthered both the scientific and fetishistic quotient by wearing black rubber gloves. I won’t get into the details except to say that I learned a great deal from this woman and by the end felt that the vagina was a brilliant piece of equipment that should receive at least as much attention as a car does; a regular wash & wax and the occasional splurge on the deluxe wheel rim package with papaya scent. But let’s be realistic, rarely do epiphanies happen in a vacuum. There was a bit of a lead up to this. As I stated earlier I felt that my lower coif needed little attention and that this was a reasonable and widespread course of action. And of course I was right. The average American woman does choose to let nature take its course down below. However, as my recent anecdotal and completely unscientific research clearly indicates – the average single American woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who lives in an urban area (particularly in Southern California), waxes the shit out of her va-jay jay. Yes, that dreaded South American spa treatment, and the closest most of us will ever get to a lesbian sex act… the Brazilian wax job. I was in many ways shocked to learn that most of my friends partake. I thought there were few reasons girls like us might obtain a Brazilian. Among them might be an upcoming stint in Amateur Girls Take Hot Cock 7, or a date with Ron Jeremy. These otherwise normal women in my life were shelling out $70 a pop to let a small asian woman take them in a back room and rip out their anal hair. Yikes. One of my friends is actually lasering her beave completely bald. Double yikes. This last conversation was had over a round of beers at a local pub and I was the only one in the group who had to scoop her chin up off the table. The rest of the ladies felt this was not only a wise aesthetic choice, but smart from an economic point of view also. Pay several hundred dollars now but never have to pay for a wax job again, let alone a razor. Don’t be surprised if you see “laser yourself bald” as hot new tip for financially savvy females in Suze Orman’s next book. After my informal education I was certainly more aware that bush hair removal on a massive scale was far more common than I ever thought. Regular gals are out there with landing strips or nothing at all and I suppose regular guys have come to expect it. To think my poor husband had to work around all that fluff for years. But if you’re hoping for me to wrap this up with a Brazilian salon recommendation, you’re out of luck. I’m going to have to count myself as a moderate on this issue. I’ll go for an advanced bikini wax (a la landing strip), and I’ll even keep it nice and trim with a pair of safety scissors. But to whatever confused stray hairs made a right when they should have made a left and ended up doomed to a life next to my butt hole, I say live and let live. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T20:41:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html My Pubic Hair Epiphany text To the guy sailing across Mission Bay with a porch umbrella http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/590709564.html I suppose you were windsurfing. I've never seen anyone windsurf with a porch umbrella for a sail, boldly charging across the bay like a cross between Admiral Nelson and Mary Poppins. I was amazed -- you didn't just sail downwind, I swear I saw you tacking. You, sir, are my hero. I wanted to tell you so, but alas, I was on the shore. I had so many questions. No, I really only had one question (why?) but it seemed like a really, really good question. Every time I went back, I hoped to see you again, Umbrella Man, but alas, I have not seen you since. Should you happen to read this, could I trouble you for the story behind your brave voyage?   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-28T22:28:50-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/590709564.html To the guy sailing across Mission Bay with a porch umbrella text Carton Of Irregular Cat Hats http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/566171148.html Hello. I have a big box of used cat and kitten hats that I have collected over the years for various occasions. As of recently my cat, Snowman, is no longer living and thus I am forced to get rid of these precious memories. I would not feel right asking money for them so I am offering the whole box for free. There are many styles from formal to cute and funny. <img src="566171148.1.jpg"> <img src="566171148.2.jpg"> <img src="566171148.3.jpg"> There is a variety of 14 different hats total. I just hope you and your pet can find as much joy in these hats as me and Snowman once did. E-mail me if you are interested and I will give you my address where you can pick them up. I can also arrange for a free delivery if you are not too far away. Thank you, Patty   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-07T11:01:37-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/566171148.html Carton Of Irregular Cat Hats text Found: One large bag of "Granny Porn" DVDs. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/541608921.html Dude (well, I assume you're a dude), what the hell is your problem? You left a huge bag full of Granny porn on the sidewalk in Carlsbad. I can only assume this was deliberate. It's not like you're walking the streets with five pounds of porn DVDs, get home, and realize "damn, I must have accidentally dropped all my porn somewhere". Come on man, what's wrong with you? Some kid could have found this stuff. I won't lecture you about the general moral obligation to properly dispose of porn. For a guy whose collection includes volumes 1-8 of "Deep Throat Grannies", I doubt the term "moral obligation" is a part of your regular vocabulary. I'm sure you're also the kind of guy who dumps his used motor oil down the sink. Seriously though, do you want some kid finding this stuff, popping it into his Mouseketeers DVD player and seeing his nana taking on more cocks than she has holes? Yeah, I'm sure that won't cause any latent problems as the kid grows up and tries to nurture normal relationships with women. Anyway, I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy and this content is just a little too mature for my pallet. If anyone is into this stuff and wants the DVDs, hit me up with an email. Maybe one of you girls on a budget would like to pick up something thoughtful for your man (Valentine’s Day is just around the corner). There's something like 200 hours worth of (mostly) Granny porn here. Oh, and if you look like Macaulay Culkin I'll need to see some ID. By the way, I'm keeping one DVD called "Bangkok Boobarella". Hey, even we meat and potatoes guys occasionally want a little port-wine reduction. Jeez, Grammy! Say it ain't so!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Carlsbad <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-16T17:35:20-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/541608921.html Found: One large bag of "Granny Porn" DVDs. text Bi curioius? I can help... - w4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/522746420.html Looking for your first time? I'm a good looking, slim, blonde, femme lesbian and I'm ready to help! I'll even let your husband/boyfriend watch... when my self esteem tanks to the extent that Im willing to bastardize my own soul and orientation, cheapen the most beautiful expression of love two people can share, scar my psyche, and exploit the community I hold dear. Yep, when that time comes Ill be totally ready to help you pathetic bored housewives explore your 'bi curious' side. I'll even get on board when you are not interested in pussy at all, but instead are attempting to display sexual open-mindedness in your sad attempt to hold on to the skank you call a man. In the meantime, do you mind leaving me alone? You could start by staying off internet boards dedicated to women who love women. Oh, and do you mind not showing up at my bars? You may have noticed how most gays welcome and enjoy our straight friends at gay clubs. They are the men and women included in our dances, drink-rounds, conversation, and laughter. You, in the corner, looking sleezy, we ignore. Make no mistake, you are not invisible, we see you, we know what you are trying to do. we are ignoring you. Sometimes the laughter is about you. So, when I, or any other lesbian are ready, we'll let you know. Oh, and by the way, when that time comes, I hope you and your man are ready to get fisted to my elbow because although I look like a lady, I'll take your tonsils out, the hard way.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-29T12:46:27-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/522746420.html Bi curioius? I can help... - w4w text Expensive Loser Wanted!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/488076372.html Hello! I'm looking for an expensive loser!! Could this be you? I don't ask for much these days. At my age, the fish that used to be in the barrel are dwindling in number, so lets see if you stack up to my extremely high expectations: 1. Please do not have your own mode of transportation. I expect to pick you up and drive you everywhere, including dates that you can't afford to take me on, work, to see your kids and to deliver you to your drug dealer's at 3 in the morning. 2. Please have at least three addictions! I prefer alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Cocaine habit a plus! Please do not share your substances with me as I prefer to buy my own. In fact, please borrow my money to purchase yours! 3. Please live with your mother. If this is not possible becasue you don't know who she is, then please live in a big house with five other guys and a six foot graffix bong you call "chewbongka". Please have no furniture except a pool table and a kegerator. Your bed, if you have one, should be a futon matress on the floor soaked in cat piss, beer, or both. 4. If I get my way, you will not recognize any of the good things I do. Instead, you should gripe about imaginary things that you obsess about because of your meth addiction. 5. Do not be accountable at all for your actions. Please realize that if your life sucks, it's clearly my fault and I should be a better girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you understood that it's because of my lack of consideration that you are too hungover to work. It is also because of me that you end up in jail, therefore, I will bail you out and you won't have to pay me back. 6. Please have poor credit. It's part of my dream that I have to add you to my cell phone account and bank account because you are unable to obtain these things under the name you are currently using. You must be at least $40,000 in debt. That debt will not include a home or a car because you wouldn't have either of those. If you do, you are automatically disqualified. 7. Always remember: POT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME! In fact, so is beer, and so are other women you don't know. I should come about 8th on the list of important things in your life: behind blow jobs in balboa park but ahead of your family. 8. You must owe back child support that I will help you pay. 9. Please yell at me LOUDLY and OUTSIDE my front door so that I will be evicted. 10. Whatever you do, don't cut your hair, shave, wear deoderant or brush your teeth. Also, wear shitty clothes when we go out... the last thing I need is to feel "proud" to be seen with you. Please spit in public and scratch your balls whenever you can. I would also appreciate it if your pants were so low that everyone could see your underwear and/or asscrack. Nothing says "hot" like pants that don't fit. Sleeveless shirts a plus. 11. When we make out, say things to me like "grab it" and "suck me off". I also LOVE to have a man put his hands on my head and push it into his crotch. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances try to give me an orgasm. This will only lead to pleasure, which I am not accustomed to. So...do you meet my needs? If so, don't ever call or write. I love waiting and wondering!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-24T11:09:57-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/488076372.html Expensive Loser Wanted!!! text Dear Jolly Ranchers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/301953698.html Dear Makers of Jolly Ranchers, I just thought you should know that nobody (NOBODY) ever eats any of the blue raspberry flavored Jolly Ranchers from the candy dish on our reception counter in our office. EVER. When it's time to re-fill the candy dish, there are always those ugly nonappetizing blue raspberry fuckers all abandoned at the bottom of the dish. I have my opinions on why this phenomenon occurs. For one, that color should not be associated with food. It was really a bad idea. That flavor just screws up the whole assorted flavors bag and I was just wondering if perhaps there is a group of blue raspberry advocates somewhere that have convinced you to continue to make these? I have been the candy bitch here for going on two years and I am just at a loss. What do I do with all these neglected, disgusting, blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers? I almost want to send them back to you, so that you can send them on to the blue raspberry fan club. I used to gather them up sadly from the bottom of the dish and put them aside in this other cup. I don't like to be wasteful. Now I simply throw them away as soon as they come tumbling out of the bag into the candy dish. Quite frankly, I have never even tasted one of these things. They could taste awesome! Aside from the fact that nobody has ever HEARD of a blue raspberry, I'm sure they taste quite good. I just can't bring myself to put that radioactive nuclear flourescent unnatural color into my mouth. I'm pretty sure my teeth and gums would probably be stained blue. I think at the very least, you should consider changing the color of the blue raspberry Jolly Rancher. Maybe just eliminate the blue part altogether. By the way, what's wrong with good ole plain raspberry? Now that's a good flavor. I know you already have cherry and watermelon flavors hogging up the red category, but surely you could come up with something. To be honest, the bright neon blue color really fucks up the feng shui of my candy dish, with its appetizing array of purple, green, red and red Jolly Ranchers, co-mingling with the ever-popular Reese's PB cups, Hershey's miniatures and Hershey's Nut Lovers miniatures. The Twix and the M&Ms hardly ever stay in the dish long enough to look pretty, but that is to be expected. Fed Ex delivery folks and office visitors of all ilk pounce on those like they are hundred dollar bills. On a completely unrelated note, perhaps it's time for me to start looking for a more exciting job. Thank you for your time. And remember, nobody wants to eat flourescent blue candy. Sincerely, The Receptionist  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The Candy Dish <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-28T10:05:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/301953698.html Dear Jolly Ranchers text To all of my Neighbors! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/298491378.html Ok we all have to live here. You people drive me insane. Crazy Tweeker Manager- You are in your 50s. Mini skirts are not OK. I know you have kept a trim body through years of meth use but no one wants to see it. Speaking of your meth use, we can tell. When it takes you 6 hours to install a pre fabricated screen door, we can tell. When you have a 3 minutes conversation and say nothing at all, we can tell. If you ring my doorbell one more time at 2 am to tell me that someone broke into the garage, I will kick you. In the neck. I dont have a car, I dont care. Perhaps if you didnt give out keys to the "thugs" who hang around trying to get free drugs from you there wouldnt be a problem. Creepy Staring Lady- Stop watching me, I know you think I cant see you because you hide behind the stairs, but I can. Your legs are still there. I promise you I am not going to do a dance, burst into flames or morph into an ice cream cone. You can stop looking. Also, get rid of that fucking phone. The CHIRP followed by incoherent spanish yelling is driving me insane, they are obviously on your network, so call them. Its free I promise. Navy lady- You are quite pleasant, you always smile. Your daughter is a joy. Polite and friendly. We can all hear you screaming at her every nite. She is 13 she will "get her fucking priorities straight" eventually. Cut her some slack Mexican family- I am not sure how you do it. We have 2 adults and a baby in our townhouse and its too small. You have 4 adults, a preteen, 2 kids and a baby. I realize the rent is a little steep but for fucks sake where do you all sleep? Oh and to the obviously adult son. You arent a thug, you arent hardcore. Stop smoking weed outside and throwing the roaches in my ashtray. Also get your ghetto gangsta wanna be friend away from my fucking door. I dont care how long its been since he has "tapped some ho" I dont care how "bad the joint was" I dont care what he stole and from whom. Get him the fuck away from me. Weird lady and her creepy kid- Youre a bitch, youre stupid. You let the tweeker manager (see above) watch your kid while you go bar hopping. Good job! Your kid is fucked up enough without that kind of shit. Oh and we all know you have a cat, your little "say goodbye to fluffy we cant have him" and then your kid fake crying act didnt fool anyone. Plus he sits in your window dipshit. Dont glare at me when you walk by in your hooker clothes with yet another guy behind you. I didnt make you a slut. Super nice black guy next door- You and your girlfriend are sweet and awesome neighbors, you dont complain when the baby makes noise, and you just say hi when its needed. But when youre home alone we can hear you singing to your 80s whitney houston music. Dont get me wrong its good. Its even funny, but dont come out all tough. We know your secret! Bitchy lady- When you order a package and you know it will be sent UPS which requires a signature, send it to your work. The poor UPS guy shows up all the time and you arent home. I made the mistake of signing for a package once for you. I left you a nice note letting you know that when you get home ring the bell and I will give it to you. It would have been nice for you to say "think you" instead of "wheres my package" next time I will....nevermind there will be no next time. Fuck you. Emo Mexicans- We can smell your weed and for some reason listening to stoned drunk guys sing Morrisey in a mexican accent isnt that appealing. Please please please shut your door. Im moving soon so I wont have to deal with you. Maybe I will print this out and leave it for the next person who pays a ridiculous amount for this townhouse. Next person....the dishwasher doesnt work, neither does the heater. Dont try and get it fixed. You'll just get the tweekers boyfriend in your house while you arent home "fixing" things.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: IB <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-22T10:12:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/298491378.html To all of my Neighbors! text RANT: Airline Travel Etiquette http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/286035868.html Alright people, some airline travel etiquette needs to be established. Here are a few suggestions that will make everyone’s life easier, so please… pay attention: Rule #1 - Security. Yes, it’s a bitch. Yes, the TSA employees they hired from the nearest clinic for the terminally stupid are an insult to anybody with a hint of gray matter, but com’on. Throw the rest of us a bone here: You’ve been standing in line for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes you finally get to the table with the little gray bins. Now is NOT the time to hold up everyone else in line while you take off your six earrings, your 20 bracelets, your necklace, your watch and anything else you KNOW DAMN WELL will set off the alarm. The time to do this was sometime during the previous 45 minutes when you were standing in line complaining about how slowly the line was moving. Take all that stuff off and throw it in your carry-on BEFORE you get to the table. For those of you with laptops, yes you need to take it out of the bag. The 8 signs you past while standing in the aforementioned line weren’t kidding. Have it out, put it in the bin and move along. Rule #2 - Potty breaks. With certain exceptions, potty breaks are denied within the first hour of flight. It’s your own damn fault you decided to wait in line for 15 minutes at the terminal Starbucks for your daily non-fat chi extra-tall cup-of-crap instead of taking care of business (and by therefore compounding the problem). If you’re that bad at time management, or set your priorities such that you can’t take 2 minutes out of your busy day to take a leak, then it’s your own damn fault and you can just hold it. Exceptions would include: (1) you’re in an aisle seat, (2) children, or (3) you have a baby with a poopy diaper – and yes I can smell it. Yes EVERYONE within 10 rows can smell it. Feel free to do what you got to do but PLEASE don’t ignore it. Ladies, if you’re pregnant, insist on an aisle seat. The airlines will accommodate if you push them hard enough. Old people, if you have a weak bladder, the same goes for you. Rule #3 - Bitch. If I’m unfortunate enough to ride bitch (aka, the middle seat) then I automatically get both armrests. It’s called making the best of a bad situation. I don’t care how much you spent on your ticket – and if you had that much money you would be up there in 1st class with the rest of the I’m-so-important-I-need-a-curtain-to-shelter-me-from-those-coach-people crowd. Rule #4 - Assumptions. When airborne, you need to make some assumptions. For those of you seated behind me, you need to assume that I am sound asleep in my chair trying to get a little sleep before my big presentation in a few hours. This means that you are NOT to use my chair to pull yourself up out of your seat, shaking it violently as you struggle for balance. I realize there isn’t a lot of room, but the solution is simple… use your armrests, slightly turn your body, and use YOUR chair for balance. If works for me, it can work for you. For those of you seated in front of me, you need to assume I’m feverishly working on my laptop for that big presentation and EASE your seat back, nice and slowly, allowing me to make adjustments as necessary. This means NOT reclining your seat with such fury as to crack the lid of my laptop because it caught on the tray-table latch (I’d especially like to thank the lady seated in 19B on United Flight 920 on February 21st from San Diego to Dulles for that one). I don’t care if you want to recline your seat, just GO SLOWLY. Rule #5 - Do Not Disturb. If I’m wearing headphones, listening to my iPod, it’s code for “please leave me alone and don’t try to engage in conversation.” I don’t care how excited you are to be visiting your 19-year-old niece who lives in Santee. I don’t care how pretty she is and that she’s pregnant with her third child from as many fathers. If it looks like I’m sleeping, I probably am. It might be hard to tell as I often wear sunglasses when I try to sleep on a plane, but think about this – if I haven’t moved in awhile, I’m asleep. So please, use common sense if you choose to rouse me from my slumber (ie, something catastrophic happening like a wing falling off). The flight attendant serving drinks DOES NOT qualify. Rule #6 - Parents, control your kids. I’ve traveled all over the US as a kid and I know how incredibly boring even a short flight can be. However, a cramped airliner is NOT the place for tough-love. If your kid is throwing a tantrum, GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY WANT – PERIOD. If your child is kicking my chair I WILL say something – and not to the child, but to YOU. The other day I ran into a local 7-11 and they had portable DVD players on sale for $60. Seems to me like a pretty inexpensive insurance policy – otherwise I suggest adding a triple shot of Children’s NyQuil to their grape juice, also available at 7-11. Rule #7 - You finally made to your destination. Congratulations! Don’t stop. That is to say, you just walked off the jetway and are now in the terminal - KEEP MOVING. Every single airport I’ve been to in this country has signs posted everywhere, so if you aren’t quite sure where you need to go, simply walk strait ahead to the far wall and figure it out from there. Stopping at the jetway door or in the immediate vicinity creates a hellacious roadblock that the second half of the plane has to navigate around. Some of us actually have the ability to walk and read at the same time – no problem if you’re not one of them, just please don’t slow those of us down who can. This last part isn’t really about travel etiquette so much as it is about the Airport Nazis that patrol the pick-up and drop-off area at San Diego Lindbergh. I’ve been meaning to write something… suppose this is as good a time as any. You guys are the biggest bunch of fucking assholes I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. When I go the airport and you guys are giving me shit, I say, “see kids, that man is why you need to study hard in school and get good grades – you don’t want to end up like him, right?” I can understand ticketing someone who parked out front and walked away – fuck tow it or even set it ablaze for all I care, but what you douche-bags do is downright harassment. News flash – me driving slowly, waiting for my passenger – WHO I CAN SEE AND IS WALKING OUT OF THE TERMINAL, is not the same as being as being parked or stopped. Here’s an idea, if my vehicle isn’t moving, why don’t you go stand in front of it while you write me that ticket? Yeah - that’s what I thought. With that said, minus the KSAN Airport Nazis, I hope you found this beneficial. Please refer back to it as often as necessary. Thank you and have a nice day.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: San Diego <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-28T08:31:41-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/286035868.html RANT: Airline Travel Etiquette text 10 Reasons to Date a Lesbian http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/267362112.html After over 10 years of exclusively dating women, I am done. The pendulum is definitely swinging in the other direction. Although I have to admit that dating girls was a lot of fun, especially during my college days, the prospects are just not that bright headed into my 30’s. Fortunately, in the meantime, a lot of you guys have finally grown up and become considerably more interesting as dating material. You may also be wondering why you would want to even try dating a lesbian. I mean really, from a guy’s perspective, what’s the attraction, right? So here is my list – 10 REASONS TO DATE A LESBIAN: 1. I don’t hate men. This is because, unlike most straight women, I don’t have an ex-boyfriend or an ex-husband who has cheated or otherwise done me wrong. Instead, the men I’ve chosen to spend time with have always been my friends. We’ve drunk beer together, gone camping, and talked about girls. I only have good things to say about the guys I know. 2. I’ve never been a gold digger. At no time in my life have I been under the impression that Prince Charming would show up and take care of everything. Instead, I’ve developed my independence and learned how to do things for myself. I would still love for you to take me to dinner on occasion, but I don’t need you to support me. 3. I don’t mind getting dirty. I can go camping, hiking and fishing without worrying about my nails. 4. I’m still feminine. I may not coat my face with tons of makeup, but if you think all lesbians are butch, you have a lesson coming to you. For the record, I’m tall, blonde, fit, athletic, attractive, and look great in tall boots and a short skirt. 5. I don’t call myself bisexual. Bi chicks have a reputation for cheating on their husbands and being incapable of sustaining meaningful relationships with women. It may be a generalization, but I’ve met enough of them to know that I don’t ever want to date one or to be called one. It’s just not my style. 6. You never have to wonder if I slept with that other guy. I didn’t. 7. I’m also not dragging around some other guy’s kids. 8. I don’t play games. Honest. Having only dated women, I never learned how to manipulate a guy. 9. I’m more interesting than most of the girls you’ll meet in PB. I’m smarter than them too. 10. You’ve secretly always wanted to be with a lesbian but never thought you’d have a chance. At this point, you are probably wondering what the down side might be… here it is. 3 REASONS NOT TO DATE A LESBIAN: 1. I may not be attracted to you. It’s true. Then again, how many dates have you been on with straight women who lacked the necessary chemistry too? The only way to find out is to try, right? 2. I am an unabashed feminist. If I cook for you, you might have to do dishes. 3. I don’t know all the moves. In fact, I’m pretty clueless when it comes to guys, whether it be flirting over drinks or lights out in the bedroom. As they say though, practice makes perfect. So what do you think? Still interested? If you are, let’s give this a try.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: SD - metro <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-23T15:34:55-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/267362112.html 10 Reasons to Date a Lesbian text Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/214756119.html Dear cat, The girlfriend is away for three weeks, and though I am a person of strong will, three weeks is simply too long to bear without working one out. I don’t expect you to understand this need as you no longer have your ovaries, but trust me when I say, I NEED to. If you ever took the CAT SATs, you might have seen this example analogy: Getting off : me :: licking your ass : you. Having established that, I request of you: Please do not disturb the fucking blinds when I'm watching porn! You’re a cat, not a dog, so don’t give me that puppy-eyed look. You know what you’re doing. As soon as I settle back in my chair with some hot chick doing all the things that my girlfriend won’t, full-screen, you awaken from a dead sleep and run through the floor-to-ceiling blinds. I often shriek and my hard phallus, brilliantly backlit by the glow of the monitor, falls limp like a rhubarb stalk at the bottom of a Safeway bin. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have an entire row of apartments whose living room windows directly face me. For the love of my erection and reputation, or my love of my erection and reputation, keep on sleeping when I’m a’ jerkin. I should have gotten a ferret. Hugs and purrs, Your owner. P.S. And don’t stare at my balls. You give the same look to a string before you’re about to pounce on it. That frightens me.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around my f__ing living room <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-01T15:14:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/214756119.html Dear cat: Don't disturb blinds when I'm watching porn text Free box o' crap (now with NEW! BONUS crap!) PPU http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/163677746.html This crap may have found a home, stay tuned. Thanks to all who responded, you made my night, too :) Alright, so I finally got around to cleaning out my closet. Yikes. Parents, when your kids move out of the house, check in on them once a week so that they don't end up with the mess I have. I seriously went into my closet with a head lamp and a sherpa to guide me. Anyway, this is the salvagable crap that has come out so far that I really have no use for. In fact, I never had any use for it and can't figure out how it got into my closet to begin with. But, without further ado, my list of crap that I would love to pass onto you so that it can maybe live in your closet. (1) Set of never used, but out of the box and way outdated, IBM speakers. I'm guessing they work, but since they have "Never been used" I really can't attest to that one way or another. (1) Epson Stylus Color Ink Cartridge sealed in the box. Says best used by 3/06, but does ink really go bad? It's not like you're going to eat it, right? (1) Sycuan Casino and Resort insulated lunch bag. I don't think it's ever been used and it doesn't smell funky..... (1) DSL cable, gently used, very, very, very long. (1) Rabbit ear style T.V. antenna. I don't know if people even have tvs that use those anymore, I don't know how it found it's way into my closet but I guess if you wanted to you could use it as a center piece for the dining room table. Just imagine the conversation that would spark! Just added! (1) Extension cord, white, gotta make sure it matches, right? Possibly 6 feet, but I can't find the measuring tape and my foot isn't quite a foot. (1) Set of miscellaneous cords. I don't know what they are for, but they'd make a nifty necklace! For the computer geek/jewelry lover in your life! (1) Reddish/pinkish eyeglasses case, just the case. Good condition. Never been stepped on, sat on or run over by a car. That I know of. (1) Yoga mat. I've never used it, my sister may have used it once, but it looks brand new and still has that "New Yoga Mat" smell. Its non-skid and rubber, black in color. (1) Telephone cord. Maybe you need a longer one, maybe you're using it for something else. Either way, I don't care, just take it off of my hands and don't implicate me in anything. Texas doesn't need to know where I am. (1) Motorola phone charger. With two prongs, so if you have a motorola phone and the girl end on your phone looks like it may need a two boy end charger, this one might work. It's a home charger, plugs into the wall. And again, if you choose to use it for something other than it's intended purposes, not my fault. (1) Dean Koontz paperback. Old, worn, and the same one I've been trying to get rid of for at least 5 years now. Somehow it keeps returning to my bathroom. PLEASE take it and lock it somewhere so that it can't find its way back to me. (Title is possibly "Funhouse" I'm afraid to go look, as this book has been stalking me for years and I finally got it contained in the box.) So, please, please come and get this box o' crap. I don't want it, I don't need it and if I don't get a response, I guess it's all going into the trash can. But in all honesty, if it inspired me to write something this fun and witty, imagine what it could do for you!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Santee <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-22T19:50:32-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/163677746.html Free box o' crap (now with NEW! BONUS crap!) PPU text Thank you, people who dumped my dogs at the shelters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/148610147.html I wanted to say "thank you" to the people who dumped my dogs at the shelters. I read the behavioral notes, I heard what the staff said about what YOU said to them, when you dumped these two dogs. And all I can say is -- thank you. Because of you, I have been blessed. Dog #1: Almost seven years ago, I went to the shelter and saw a dog on his last day. According to the notes, he was an owner turn-in because she was pregnant and they "didn't have enough time for the dog". The notes also mentioned you guys were afraid that the dog, a whopping 50 pounds, might hurt a newborn, even though I don't think I've ever heard of Border Collies doing that. (Maybe you misheard... Perhaps they said "herding", not "hurting"?) THANK YOU SO MUCH. I took him home and found him to be the politest dog I've ever met, and having had dogs all my life, that's saying a LOT. He was housebroken, he was gentle, he learned to heel off-lead, sit, stay, down-stay (timed him at half an hour, unmonitored, on three seperate occasions). I can tell him to get into the tub and bathe him without needing to drag him, restrain him, or wrestle him -- no collar, no lead! When we go hiking, parents stop and tell me my dog is better behaved than their kids. (Are you ever going to walk by with your six-year old, who will probably want to pet this gentleman, and think -- "Hmmm, that looks an awful lot like my old dog?") This dog is so striking in looks and obedient in manner that I've had a Nutro rep tell me he should be their poster dog. And he CAME this way -- I didn't have the puppy phase, the teething, the housebreaking, the gawky phase. He's always been this graceful, polite, amazing dog who gets along with dogs, cats, kids (he would have been great with your kid). Thank you SO MUCH for giving him up! Dog #2: After a few years, I started looking to add another furkid to my family, since I have the room and the love. After seeing a purebred languishing in a shelter for weeks, and calling, and the shelter staff told me NO ONE had come out to see her (because she wasn't a puppy?), I checked her out. According to the notes, and to the shelter staff who were there when you dumped her off, you didn't want her anymore because she "didn't get along with your other dogs." I'm not sure what that means, because I took ten minutes to watch her, and she seemed terrified of everyone, people AND dogs AND cats. And to you, I say THANK YOU. I brought her home and she perked up when she met my other dog. My cats told her that she wasn't going to boss them around, and boy did she pay attention. It was a wonderful treat to find out she was housebroken, that she didn't destroy a dang thing (I do so like these older dogs!), she was calm, and snuggly, and played with my dog, and my friend's dog, and she smiles and wags her entire body when I come home. At night, she curls up next to my other dog. She dances for me when she sees the leash, and she's turning out to be an awesome walking and running partner. When she's not excited about going out, she's a complete and utter couch potato, and I feel like I have the best of both worlds. In fact, I think I have the best dogs I could possibly have -- and all without housebreaking, potty training, chewing, digging, puppy obedience classes, and the rest. All I did was come pick them up when you dropped them off, and pay a pittance of a fee (how much are Maltipoos and Cockapoos and Labradoodles nowadays?) So thank you, people who dumped my dogs at the shelters. You'll never know what you gave me -- because you probably had no clue what you were giving up. But the dogs are home now, and safe, and loved, and will be, for the rest of their days. I think if they could, they would pass along their thanks, too.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-05T19:15:40-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/148610147.html Thank you, people who dumped my dogs at the shelters text RANT: The Rules of Breaking Up http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/127111642.html There seems to have been some confusion regarding division of property and space since we have broken up. YOU, hereafter referred to as the Dumper, do not retain the same rights to such things as ME, hereafter referred to as the Dumpee. Clearly the Dumpee has been wronged (except in certain situations, see Section 1(b) below), and thus retains more rights than the Dumper. To clarify, I have assembled a crack legal team to outline this document, so that you will quit being a complete and total prick. Actually, not all of these things apply to us, but for the sake of friends, family, and members of the general public who have also been Dumped, I’ve included other situations. This document applies only to those relationships that involved terms such as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” not couples who have taken that long argumentative road-trip that ends in the State of Matrimony. Caveats have been made for engagement, as most rules still apply. Section 1: Terms of Separation (hereafter termed the Breakup) (a) The rights of the Dumpee shall be directly proportional to the severity and immaturity of the methods of Separation used by the Dumper. For example, a Dumper (hereafter termed a Good Dumper) who breaks up with Dumpee face-to-face, in person, in a private place, and outlines issues which the Dumpee was aware of, and in fact is not too surprised at, with said discussion ending in a tearful hug cherished by both parties, and perhaps an incident of Goodbye Sex, shall not be severely punished. However, a Dumper (hereafter termed a Bad Dumper) who breaks up with a Dumpee in an especially cowardly way, such as over the phone, through email, or by having a friend tell the Dumpee, shall experience extensive limitations on rights after the Breakup. Most severely punished shall be those Dumpers (hereafter termed Assholes) who repeatedly Breakup and then Beg Forgiveness, and Dumpers who have Cheated. (b) Exceptions to the Dumper/Dumpee division of rights are as follows: Dumpees who provoke the Breakup by avoiding the Dumper until such time as the Dumper feels forced to end the relationship. Dumpees who intentionally get caught Cheating and are shortly afterward, Dumped. These Dumpees shall be considered as Dumpers for the purposes of this document. Section 2: Division of Property and Space (a) Material Property (1) If the Dumper is a Good Dumper, all material property that Dumper brought to the relationship shall be returned to the Dumper. Likewise, all property the Dumpee possessed before the relationship shall be returned to the Dumpee. (2) If the Dumper is a Bad Dumper, or an Asshole, Dumpee has the right to destroy or sell any property left for any period of time in the Dumpee’s possession. This includes, but is not limited to, furniture, electronics, kitchen wares, clothing, CDs, and cars. Dumpee is aware that destruction of items holds a possibility of legal ramifications and continuous retaliation, and destroys Dumper’s property then at their discretion. (b) Gifts (1) Dumpee retains all rights to gifts he or she received during the relationship, especially expensive ones. In the case of a Good Dumper, Dumpee can determine whether return of these gifts is acceptable. If the Dumper was female, and the Dumpee was male, and said parties were engaged, and said engagement ended in a Good Breakup, the engagement ring should be returned to the Dumpee. If the Dumpee does not want the ring, the Dumper can sell it on Craigslist and split the profits with the Dumpee. Bad Dumpers and Assholes retain no rights to jewelry or cars. (2) Dumpee can, if feeling spiteful, box up all gifts received from the Dumper and return them to Dumper with a tear-stained letter. Dumper should feel sufficiently bad, and should not, under any circumstances, maintain possession of these gifts in order to give them to future Girlfriends/Boyfriends. Said gifts should be sold and Dumper is then welcome to use the money to take a vacation to Tahoe and hopefully, break their leg skiing. (c) Exchange of Property (1) If the couple was living together, and the Dumper has moved out, the Dumper should send a friend to pick up his or her belongings. The exception is a Good Dumper, who may be on sufficiently good terms with Dumpee to come back and retrieve their own things. If this is the case, it should still be done while the Dumpee is Not Home. Bad Dumpers and Assholes forfeit their belongings, as outlined in Section 2: (a)2. (2) If the couple was living together, and the Dumpee has moved out, the Dumpee will send a friend to pick up his or her belongings at an appointed date and time. Said friend will not be late and will not linger. Said friend may make a few rude remarks to the Dumper, but such remarks should be brief and to the point. Again, if the Dumper is a Good Dumper, the Dumpee can pick up their own belongings when the Dumper is Not Home. (3) If the couple did not live together, exchange of property should be done in public at an appointed date and time. Both parties shall be on time and shall not linger. Again, rude remarks shall be brief. (4) Items not claimed by the Dumper within one calendar month after the Breakup are the property of the Dumpee, unless exchange of property arrangements were made prior to the end of that month. Likewise is true for items not claimed by the Dumpee. (5) Items that “Cannot Be Found” by either party shall be considered a lost cause after one month. If it was really that important, you shouldn’t have let that idiot have it. (d) Big Ticket Items (1) If the relationship included the purchase of a car, a house, a prize-winning show dog, or other such item of which you now both have dual legal ownership, you are in Deep Shit. Maybe you should have thought about making that kind of investment together before you pissed your whole life away? Wait until you’re married, dumbass. (e) The Pet (1) See Section 2: Article (d)1 first. If you still want to deal with the Pet (hereafter termed the Dog), we’ll continue. Dogs that were owned by either party before the commencement of the relationship shall return to their original owners. Dogs acquired during the course of the relationship shall preferably go with the owner who gave them the most care. C’mon, you know there’s one of you who did all the feeding, the training, the walking, the pooper-scooping, the leash-buying and the ball-tossing. The Dog goes with that one. Except in the case where that person is a Bad Dumper or an Asshole, in which case, Dumpee retains possession of the Dog. There shall be no Split Custody, or Visitation Rights involving the Dog. It’s not good for the Dog, and it’s not good for you. If all things regarding the Dog were absolutely equal, then a Poll of Friends may be taken, or a Coin may be Flipped. Decisions made by PoF or CF about the Dog are final. If you did not get the Dog, and you are distraught, wait 2 weeks until your head clears, and then go to the Humane Society and get another one. You will be much happier that way. (f) The Kid (1) Sigh. Okay, first see Section 2: Article (d)1. You are an idiot. Haven’t you heard of birth control? Well now it’s not just you in this boat, so a lot of the earlier terms and conditions about Dumpers and Dumpees may not apply. Even if your Breakup involved a Bad Dumper or an Asshole, you will have to be nice, for the Sake of the Kid. This is really outside the range of this document, so go to court and try not to screw up your Kid’s life any more than you already have. Section 3: The Friends (a) The Dumpee gets the Friends. Sorry, dems da breaks. If you were smart about picking your relationship, you were dating somebody who was not from your immediate circle of friends, so when you Breakup, you each go cry to your respective group and everything is dandy. Unfortunately, many friends become Booty Calls, which can then become That Girl I’m Sorta Dating, which can then become Your Girlfriend. Relationships over one year also have a high incidence of Combined Friends. Regardless, the Dumpee still gets the Friends! But there are some details/exceptions/conditions associated with the possible future division of Friends, so here they are: Specifics of Division of Friends (1) In the case of a Good Dumper, Split Custody is acceptable. Within the first 6 months, a Good Dumper has the right to still hang out with the Friends, but only if the Dumpee is not present. After 6 months, it is acceptable for the Dumper to call the Dumpee and request mutual access to the Friends. If Dumpee is amenable, the two may attend a party or barbeque together with the Friends. The Good Dumper is at all times aware of the Dumpee’s feelings, and will be the first to leave if things get awkward. After one year, expect normal Friend-Dumper-Dumpee interactions to resume. If you got dumped by a Good Dumper and you are all hanging out again after a year and you’re totally cool and you’re not strongly reconsidering getting back together, then Damn. He’s probably gay. That’s cool that you guys are still friends though. Maybe you can shop and stuff. (2) In the case of a Bad Dumper, Visitation Rights are acceptable, under some circumstances. Bad Dumper only retains Friendship Rights with his or her Best Friend, and then, only at Best Friend’s discretion. Everyone else is fully justified in telling you to piss off. After one year, a Split Custody arrangement may be made, but Bad Dumper is never to be allowed at a party that the Dumpee is attending. This must be enforced strongly by Friends and the Dumpee. (3) In the case of an Asshole, no rights are retained regarding the Friends. Not even to the Best Friend. You fucked up but good, so now go find yourself a bunch of shallow, selfish people just like yourself, so you can all get drunk and stab each other in the back. This also applies to such Dumpers described in Section 1; Article (b), as those Dumpers who pose as Dumpees are especially despicable. (b) Relationships with Friends after the Breakup (1) Under NO circumstances is a Dumper allowed to sleep with any of the Friends after the Breakup. ESPECIALLY the Dumpee’s Best Friend, but truly, there are NO exceptions. Even if she says it’s okay. Even if you guys have a long talk about it and she says it’s fine and she wants you to be happy. You better take a good look at a girl’s Friends before you get Committed, because if you would ever like to possibly sleep with one of those girls, you should not enter into the Relationship. Good Dumpers who break this rule can then be qualified as Bad Dumpers. Sleeping with the Best Friend immediately qualifies you as an Asshole. (Best Friend can also then be Broken Up With, and most of the terms of this document apply.) Remember, Assholes are open to justifiable destruction of property, and are often deserving of a swift kick in the Balls. Section 4: The Neighborhood (a) The Dumpee retains all rights to the Neighborhood, including but not limited to, grocery stores, shopping malls, dog parks, coffee shops, bars, hang-outs, strip malls, carwashes, and restaurants. If the Dumper sees the Dumpee in one of these places, the Dumper must immediately leave. The only exception is a Good Dumper who is back on Good Terms with the Dumpee, especially one year or more after the Breakup. See Section 3; Article (a)1 for details. All terms of this document are not legally binding, but they make a hell of a lot of sense. Don't be an Asshole, and your life will be so much easier. (In case you didn’t get it, this means I get the stuff, the friends and the hangouts. Quit whining about your freaking sweatshirt and stay the fuck away from me.) webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-20T17:33:03-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/127111642.html RANT: The Rules of Breaking Up text RAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/111973284.html Baby, looking around at others in my life, listening to the mumbles around the water cooler, reading the poor R&R's about torn love, I just wanted to thank you for being you. For making me laugh when I have a hard day, & not telling me how to solve my problems, but just listening to them. Thanks for never disrespecting me in front of the guys. And for letting me have my motorcycle as long as you get to ride it with me now & again. Thanks for not being sooo into your looks, that you order salad every meal, but thanks for staying in shape & looking great when we go out. Thank you for your unbending backbone of morals that made us both wait until our wedding night for sex, I have never had a more spectacular or giving lover. Thank you for not falling into the trap of thinking that tons of eye shadow, huge fake boobs (yuck), kissing other girls, or wearing revealing clothes is what makes a woman appealing. Thank you that your natural beauty inside & out makes you the ultra feminine beauty you are. Thanks for not burning EVERY dish, thanks for trying, & thanks for taking ME out to dinner when the smoke alarm goes off. Thanks for gently laying your hand on my leg under the table of the lunch meeting we had with that realtor when we got nervous about negotiating. You are my rock. Thanks for not looking at Brett's Corvette with that gleam of envy I see in other womens eyes. Thanks for never obviously checking out my older & much more handsome brother. Thanks for telling me when Austin hit on you, it was brave & I'm glad that jerk is out of our lives. Thanks for doing the chores I hate because I do the ones you hate. Thank you for letting me be a man to you. For letting me teach you how to shoot a gun, clean a fish, & change a tire in case I'm not there. Thank you for teaching me that being devoted to you meant happiness, not a chokehold. Thanks for the attention & affection you show me in public, you do it in such a soft way, but somehow it makes me feel more like a man. Thanks for understanding why sometimes I just need guy time & thanks for not making a big deal about it when I stay out late. Thanks for the time at work when all the guys were talking about who had a cheating spouse, that Bob said to me, "Sam you're a lucky bastard. Your wife wouldn't cheat on you if you were dead. I've seen the way she looks at you, she's still in love." I blushed in front of the guys & didn't even care. Thanks for working hard when I got laid off, & not complaining, even though you KNEW for that first week I just moped & watched TV instead of looking for work right away. You are my superwoman, my friend, my lover, & I never want another. You made me wait to get to know you, get close to you, & make love to you. After being married 14 years, nothing has changed. Thank you most of all, for keeping your promises to me. Among many other things, you promised to be honest & do whatever you needed to make us happy & make us work, & it looks like we have both enjoyed the fruit of our promises to each other. I love you alone. Sam webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-17T12:33:35-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/111973284.html RAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! text Dear Neighbors: I HATE your Chihuahua http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/106557572.html I hate to tell you this because as far as I'm concerned, you guys are the PERFECT NEIGHBORS. Seriously. I never hear a peep out of you! You're private, you keep to yourselves, yet you're both still friendly and willing to offer a wave and a smile. You never complain. You take great care of your house and yard. You guys are THE BEST! I love you. I really do. But I really... really... really... HATE YOUR CHIHUAHUA. Your Chihuahua barks constantly, all day long. BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! I can't use (bark bark) my computer for very (bark bark) long because my office is (bark bark) on the (bark bark) same side of (bark bark) the house as (bark bark) the room in which (bark bark) you keep (bark bark) your Chihuahua, so (bark bark) the entire time (bark bark) I'm trying (bark bark) to type (bark bark) I get (bark bark) to hear (bark bark) your dog (bark bark) letting his (bark bark) displeasure (bark bark) be known (bark bark). I can't (bark bark) turn the TV up (bark bark) loud enough (bark bark) to (bark bark) drowned out (bark bark) the noise (bark bark) because it leaves (bark bark) me with a splitting (BARK BARK!) headache and ringing ears. (bark bark) I can't do ANYTHING in my own house without having to listen to; BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! Please don't get me wrong, I'm not an angry, anal retentive, complain-y, intolerant type of person. I have dogs too! I know how dogs can be and I understand that when you get a new dog, there's sometimes a period of adjustment. But it's been THREE WEEKS. For the love of GOD- ADJUST ALREADY!!! Please (bark bark) please (bark bark) please (bark bark) do something about(bark bark) your dog. (bark bark) I'm BEGGING you. (bark bark) I'm LOSING my fucking mind (bark bark) listing to it (bark bark) all day long (bark bark) for what (bark bark) seems like (bark bark) an endless (bark bark) eternal (bark bark) Hell. I hear him when I'm making coffee, I hear him when I'm checking email, I hear him when I'm on the toilet, I hear him when I'm trying to watch tv, I hear him even if the volume is on high. I'm starting to twitch each morning when I wake up because I know as soon as I open my bedroom door, I'll be greeted with; BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! I'm grinding my teeth during the day (my dentist says I've lost some enamel) and I've developed headaches that last for hours, all thanks to your Chihuahua who I'm SURE is a lovely dog when he has all the attention that shivery, neurotic little Chihuahuas are known for needing. It's just that you aren't there (bark bark) to give him (bark bark) the kind of attention (bark bark) necessary (bark bark) in order (bark bark) to keep (bark bark) him from developing (bark bark) obsessive (bark bark) compulsive (bark bark) barking (bark bark) syndrome (bark bark). There's a Petsmart just down the street- please buy him some chew toys to keep him busy during the day. Hire a trainer. Get some tranquilizers from the vet. Call Dr. Dog. Do whatever you have to do. JUST SHUT HIM UP! webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-25T10:18:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/106557572.html Dear Neighbors: I HATE your Chihuahua text Ode to my hair http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/102581037.html Oh, hair. Why do you torment me? Other women have glossy, shiny, bouncy hair. Hair that gets songs written about it. Hair that gets stares and sighs. Be the girl with the hair! I’ve tried to take care of you. I’ve washed you, conditioned you, styled you, brushed you. I’ve used natural shampoo, henna, beer, highly expensive chemical concoctions, three minute miracles, long term plans, and overnight protein packs. And here you sit, looking stupid AGAIN. Another day of looking like I slept in the park. First of all, you’re blond at the ends, red in the midsection, and gray at the roots. I dyed you dark brown. What the hell happened? There are no dark brown hairs left. They fled within a week of the dye job. How can something stain my carpets permanently but leave no mark on my head? Secondly, you drink conditioner like you’re a frat boy sucking suds. I’ve conditioned you every damn day, and you’re crispy and frizzy. Today I didn’t even use shampoo, just conditioner, and you’re still a fried mess. Would one day of shine kill you? And let’s talk about the cut. I have no money to blow, so I can’t afford a good expensive cut. I can afford Supercuts, maybe, but that way I’d have a short stupid haircut. So I don’t cut it, and now I have a long stupid haircut. I keep it long so I have styling options, because maybe someday I’ll come up with something that looks good. Riiiiiiight. I’ve seen women with beautiful hair. I know they exist – Rapunzel and Godiva and the Breck Girl and the bitch in the office next door. They have glorious gorgeous fabulous tresses. I wish I could have them, just for a day. But noooooo. You perch atop my head, like a fuzzy lopsided stringy nasty dead wombat. You are the cockroach in the hot fudge sundae of my life. Screw you, I’m buying a hat. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-07T12:11:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/102581037.html Ode to my hair text jedi mind trick does not work on women http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/76163926.html I saw revenge of the sith at noon today. After I got high as kite tonite and went down to beach, you know by tower 21. Wow, the women were so hot, and next to me was a fine little brunette, black bikini and those chanel shades. No matter how hard i concentrated and said 'horny you are, want me you do', nothing happened. I think women may be sith in disguise. So I spoke to her, all she was interested in was my beer, she was no sith, just a bitchy princess with a nice ass. So I tried to use the force to undo her top, no success, but it did get chilly and her nipples poked out, so I offered to show her my light saber, she ran away. That was it, the force is useless on the beach, you're better off with 6-pack abs and a 6-pack of beer. Next I will try and use my jedi abilities on lesbians, I have a good feeling about this, well at least in my pants. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-31T00:45:24-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/76163926.html jedi mind trick does not work on women text Final Call For Contest Entries -- Michael Jackson Suicide Contest http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75313138.html I predict that Michael Jackson’s sexual abuse trial will end in his suicide. Further, I predict that his death will be by overdose of sleeping pills, that it will occur in the very early morning (say, around 1:30 AM) on June 17th, and that he will be found in the master bedroom of his Neverland home. I propose a contest. The winner of the contest will be the one who selects the time of MJ’s suicide the most closely. In the case of near-ties, correct selection of the method and place of suicide will be given weight. I shall serve as judge, and my judgment will be final and, likely, capricious. Prizes are as follows: Grand Prize: An autographed 8x10 framed picture of my gorgeous dog, Nukka. Second Prize: A white right-hand glove, size man’s medium. Third Prize: A bootlegged MP3 of Michael Jackson’s “Leave Me Alone”, sent to the email address of the winner’s choice. Obviously, if Michael Jackson does not commit suicide, the game is canceled, and prizes will not be awarded. Death that is not ruled suicide, but is suspicious, will be treated as suicide for the purpose of this contest at my sole discretion. Unsuccessful attempts at suicide do not count, although anyone who comes close to identifying the time of Michael Jackson’s attempted suicide will receive due mention in this forum. My friends, family, and pets are disqualified from this contest. Entries must be submitted before the beginning of jury deliberation, whenever that may be. This contest will conclude upon Michael Jackson’s acquittal, the dismissal of the charges against him, or the completion of his sentence. Submit your entries by responding to this post. To improve your odds of winning, be sure to include the following: Date and time of Michael Jackson’s suicide Method of suicide Location of suicide The name or pseudonym by which you wish to be identified in this forum, should you win this contest. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-25T12:43:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75313138.html Final Call For Contest Entries -- Michael Jackson Suicide Contest text Potential Girlfriend: Please Apply Here http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75291386.html I'll start by listing a few things about me that are ambiguous enough that I could be a decent match with 85% of the craigslist female population. To maximize responses I will exaggerate my strengths and fail to mention any weaknesses. Hopefully this will generate enough replies so that I can be mildly entertained at work while continuing my quest for a potential mate. After my own personal enjoyment of your attempts to win me over, I will forward those I deem worthy to my friends for their approval. Once you pass the friend test I will begin my own calculated responses, bending truths and possibly lying to make myself appear as the greatest catch in San Diego (I actually am though). If we've made it this far there is a good chance I am very interested in meeting you. We will exchange emails for a couple of days and then... a) You will suddenly disappear off the planet. My hopes and ego will be crushed, my fear of rejection will once again surface, and I will go into a state of moderate depression until I get the nerve to post another craigslist ad. b) We meet! Except you are 200 pounds heavier than what your picture looks like. Don't you know that the ability to manufacture lies about personal appearance or personality is reserved only for the original poster? c) We meet! You look good and you have a great personality! Except I forgot that I exaggerated everything about me, and the pictures I sent you were chosen specifically for that purpose. After a few akward hours of hanging out I will never hear from you again. Unfortunately for me, all of these scenarios end up in masturbation. Yet still I post, hoping that one day I can discover the elusive 4th scenario, the one I was searching for the entire time. A future girlfriend. Oh right, I nearly forgot. I'm 23. I'm 6'2" and thin. I'm wickedly funny, extremely sarcastic. I have a great job. I like the beach. I enjoy listening to music. Attached is a picture of a very fat cat.  <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/9p/5U/GizBGBESIqfVxEPrcvgfr3rQ0z49.jpg"></td> <td align=center> </td></tr> <tr><td align=center> </td> <td align=center> </td></tr></table>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-25T11:02:15-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/75291386.html Potential Girlfriend: Please Apply Here text How to tell your friend his cat's dead http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/71303052.html let me start by saying, i own a cat, love my pet, and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt it. With that said.... My friend was watching a mutual friend's cat while he was on vacation. Before he left, he warned that the cat was old (21 years old), and not doing so hot. He suspected that he was ready to die. Sure enough, the cat died on the last day of vacation. My friend asked me how he should tell him. I gave him these options to break the news. 1) "i've got good news and i've got bad news. bad news is, your cat's dead. the good news is that i saved a lot on my car insurance." 2) "hey, you're out of milk, the chips are stale, your cats dead, and the light bulb in the bathroom needs to be changed." 3) (when they walk into the apartment) *sniff* *sniff* "you smell dead cat??" 4) Leave a suicide note next to the cat with a finished bag of catnip mentioning how boring the sitter was. 5) "Are you still interested in those taxidermy classes?" 6) Get rid of the cat, draw a chalk out line, put up police tape all over the place, and act stupid. 7) "Will everyone with a live cat please step forward.....not so fast buddy." 8) "you have a couple messages: your mom called, she wants you to call her back; your landlord said the rent is late; your cat said 'bye'." 9) (when he picks him up from the airport) sitter: Let's play a game....Dead or human? owner: huh? ok. sitter: you ? owner: human sitter: me ? owner: human sitter: your cat? owner: huh ?!?!? 10) owner: thanks for watching the place. where are my keys ? sitter: oh, they're under your dead cat. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-02T14:00:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/71303052.html How to tell your friend his cat's dead text Door Nazi goes to the library http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70767282.html I am blessed, or perhaps cursed, with a rare talent. It works like gaydar, except that rather than detecting homosexuals, I can instantly pinpoint assholes and douchebags within a fifteen meter radius. You, sir, set off my dick-dar the moment I laid eyes on you. Despite your ugly mug and ragged clothes, you walked with the pompous arrogant swagger of a self-made billionaire or a grammy-award-winning rapper. If you're to have a shot at becoming either, I recommend that you lose the white-trash beard and the trailer park ponytail mullet. But I digress. You were walking in front of me, irately blathering into your cell phone at some woman dumb enough to involve herself in your life. "Why didn't you pick up the fucking phone earlier, huh?" Little insecure about not being able to talk to your chick exactly when you wanted to? Does she have to carry a pager everywhere? Is she allowed to leave the house without you? Based on your apparent insecurity, I am tempted to remind you that such an overbearing and possessive nature is often indicative of self-esteem issues linked to penis size. But once again, I digress. You got off the phone for long enough to reach the door of the library. I'm sure we all regret that. You reached for the door and pulled it open, pausing for a split second. And then, some poor bastard walked through it. The kid was maybe five feet tall and 90 pounds, and painfully shy by the look of him. People who only look up from their shoes to glance around nervously before looking back down are often not the most vocal people in the world, and yes, this means they can be a little bit unorthodox when it comes to exchanging pleasantries. In any case, he walked through the door you opened. Perhaps he was about to say "thank you," perhaps not. We will never know, because as soon as he got one foot through the door you jumped right down the little guy's throat. "YOU'RE WELCOME! YOU'RE WELCOME! WHAT TIME WOULD YOU LIKE ME HERE TOMORROW TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU?! WHAT TIME?!" God help him for not dropping to his knees and sucking your cock right there in the doorway. You held open a fucking door. You're an American hero. If nothing else, he should have invited you to come over for dinner and let you fuck his mom on the kitchen table during dessert. Naturally, he took off without looking back, perhaps fearing that you would light a match and breathe on him. You got right back on the cell phone, as polite and pleasant (and did I mention loud? because you were inside the library at that point) as ever: "I'M NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT ANYMORE!" You headed immediately for the bathroom, still yelling into your cell-phone. For a moment, I was tempted to follow you into the bathroom and repeatedly slam your head into an unflushed urinal. I could have swung you into a stall face first, holding the end of your redneck ponytail-mullet for leverage, before flushing your goddamn cell phone and stomping the shit out of your balls to prevent you from ever breeding. Yet I did not. Maybe I was just stunned that your dumb country ass was in a LIBRARY... on a UNIVERSITY CAMPUS no less. But I prefer to think that it was the deja vu that diverted my focus... Though I don't know how long ago, I distinctly remember being sick, with a hoarse, barely audible voice. I left the library from that very same exit. Someone held the door for me, but my fatigue and the accompanying blurred vision prevented me from making sense of the face. I croaked out a quiet "thank you," as loud as I could manage without straining my voice. I took a few steps outside when I heard a loud "YOU'RE WELCOME, ASSHOLE!" I turned and let out a slightly louder and infinitely sarcastic "thank you," despite the searing pain in my trachea. An ugly white trash face simply snorted at me and went through the door into the library... The first time I was far too sick to put up much of a fight. The second time, I was simply astonished to encounter you and remember you after all this time. There will be no walking away from our third encounter. I will pummel you senseless. I will grab you by your greasy mane and put my foot in your ass so hard that whatever your drunk uncle Zemus did to you in that area as a child will seem like a trip to Magic Mountain by comparison. I understand the importance of good manners in a smoothly-running modern society, and I can assure you that if you were to suffer severe internal injuries at my hand, the world at large would find my actions to be most polite. And I am quite certain that if I were to do so, you would no longer to consider an unspoken "thank you," as terrible of a breach of etiquette as, say, a surprise ass-beating. Bitch. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-29T01:39:07-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70767282.html Door Nazi goes to the library text I hate you http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70760129.html Why I probably hate you. I’ve been here in SD for about one year. It’s been long enough to agree with my first impressions of this place, which were negative, but offset by my rising property value, weather, fish tacos, a decent local video store, the ability to wear flip flops in Dec, and alcohol. The positives are still there, but you San Diego people continue to irritate me, and there is a very high chance that I hate you. Why do I probably hate you? Let’s start with what you drive. During my long commute each morning and afternoon I believe that about one out of three vehicles on the road is an SUV or oversized truck. Obviously, if you drive one of these, you are evil and I hate you. Since you drive a SUV, you use more gas, which supports tyranny and theocracy of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iran, UAE (because you are from SD, you probably don’t know what or where that is, but I don’t want to teach you anything, I want to bitch at you). Because you drive these monster cars, you also may be making the world unsafe for our grandchildren, by producing more greenhouse gases, and you obviously do not care. Nor do you care about the fact that the bumper of your monster truck is raised up to skull crushing level, should you ever run into my child’s car seat. I therefore hate 1/3 of San Diego, by my rough poll, because based on what you drive, you are evil. I reserve special hatred for hummer drivers: you are going straight to hell. High culture. San Diego has almost none. I met one person, other than myself, who has been to a cultural event more significant than a movie or rock concert. That person was from Boston. The only art museum worth driving to is in LA, it’s called the Getty, and it’s only worth going to for the views. Next to East Coast museums it contains random cast offs. The art galleries that dot places like La Jolla must sell the unsightly to the unwitting. There is little literature. There are a few readers, and many watchers of every banal TV show created. People in San Diego are those for whom TV advertisements are designed, like SUV commercials. For those who’s last true cultural event, play, museum, symphony was never, I hate you. For those who’s last great book was along the lines of ‘Wind in the Willows,’ (or even, shudder, Dr. Seuss) I have pity for you. I have met exactly no-one who considers literature as an important part of their life. Spookier, very few people have a similar replacement for an internal, personal, cultural and intellectual life. And no, TV doesn’t count for that. Beach ‘culture.’ This is an odd sort of culture, in that it is almost illiterate, but I suppose illiterate cultures do exist. This culture seems to exist primarily to sell plastic things to tourists, who confuse San Diego’s beaches and their 40 degree waters with the great beaches in tropical locales. The beaches also serve as a social structure for addicts of various types, and any stroll on the beaches is likely to turn up as many alcoholics, addicts, and insane homeless people as seashells. To the guy who broke into my car at PB: I really hate you. If I could find you, I’d start by breaking your ankles, then, when you’re not going anywhere, I’d teach you to be nice. Another secondary purpose of the beach seems to drive up home prices to ever more silly levels. A glimpse of blue means many tens of thousands of dollars for those lucky 70 year olds and their families. What ‘beach culture’ does not mean is anything productive whatsoever. People who are part of the San Diego beach culture, I hate you. Stop taking yourself seriously; beach culture is mostly sloth and wasted human potential with some criminal accomplishments and tourist traps, nothing more. Furthermore, the people out here have the delusion that SD is the most perfect place to live. Any words to the contrary are followed by, “But this is the most perfect place, isn’t it nice out?” Are you all on Soma? Your eternal happiness: I hate it. Work. San Diegans crowd the highways from 7:30 to 10 AM. I’m sure they’re off to work. Most seem to work in real estate. I don’t. I did come out here for a job, which I thought would be challenging, fun, and would bring me to a lovely part of the world and which I’m happily leaving. I’m going to make almost 50% more on the East coast on salary level, but I’ll probably do even better with bonuses and options. Why are San Diegans' so cheap? Taking a salary hit so you can rent an apartment in PB and surf every day? I don’t know. I just hate you for being cheap. To the guys over at Salk: I don’t hate you, I want a cure for the diseases I’ll eventually get. So keep it up. I wish you could get to work faster though. Like most people who live in San Diego, it’s highly unlikely that you’re actually from San Diego. (Especially if you’re a brilliant researcher). The only people I like in SD are people who just moved from somewhere else, and confess to me that people here have nothing interesting to say. After about 5 years these expats go native and turn banal and throw out their books. Where do you go over weekends? You go to malls, usually strip malls, where you buy shit, and may even rarely buy a mass consumption book and consume soulless coffee and sugar in mass quantities. I hate strip malls. The only people who go to malls should be old people. I generally like old people, who actually suffered through their lives before SUVs and made the world a better place. San Diego contains more retirement homes than good bistros. Old people are everywhere in this city of sprawl and density. I see more medical supply stores than your revolting In&Out stands. And I do not hate the old people, unless they drive SUVs (rare, SUVs appear to be owned by fat white men and sometimes driven by their fat wives). Sports: I hate paying taxes into this city who then allows a ridiculous football team to bend them over and fuck them while taking my money and any roids they can bring across the border. San Diego football, I hate you (and I have met exactly two Chargers fans, whom I obviously hate). Which of course, leads to the government the San Diegans chose. Corruption vs. incompetence is the rule, as is re-election of all guilty parties, the general public neither cares nor has other options. They owe millions to a pension plan that they wanted to ignore and make go away, except it didn’t. This appears to be the city government’s general plan: ignore any problem and hope it goes away. It’s worked so far for pollution (out to sea, over the border), traffic (I hate 5, 8, 805, 52 – no good public transportation, of course, because that was just a pretend promise), immigration (Sponge Bob is less porous than our borders), and lack of attention to schools, which rank low (want your kid to learn how to play a musical instrument: pony up some cash). San Diego government big wigs who are corrupt, incompetent, and lazy, I hate you. The mayor just quit, which speaks volumes about the character of the people out here: the going gets tough, the San Diegan retires (to their million dollar house they got for 2000 bucks in 1980). The next person in line for mayor is a guy who is fighting a federal corruption charge, and who may go to jail while mayor. The person who really won the last election is part of the beach ‘culture,’ and speaks about as slowly as someone with Parkinson’s after three Xanax and five joints. Her vocabulary and apparent intelligence is on par with the best public education San Diego provides. She appears to have been part of SD’s beach ‘culture’ long enough to have a case of skin leather that could block anything N. Korea could throw at us. Seriously, could the military people take a look at Fry’s face? She may provide materials that could make America’s missile defense unnecessary. All these people and who-ever I’m not mentioning: just go away like the mayor did. Please. You’re from San Diego, you know you have it in you to quit. Please do so tomorrow. You are all so shitty and worthless that you’re not worth hating. Overall you might think I’m filled with hate. But that’s not true. I just hate San Diego. And most of the people who live here. I’m leaving. Goodbye. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-28T23:08:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/70760129.html I hate you text Kind sirs, please abstain from having sex with my roommate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69920575.html Gentlemen, I implore you: please do not have a threesome with my roommate. Perhaps my concern over this matter is due to my own negligence. You see, I moved in to this apartment several weeks ago under certain pretenses. When I first met the young lady who inhabited it, I was not put off by the prospect of moving in with her, as I did not find her attractive. To be sure, there was nothing wrong with her in terms of either appearance or personality, but she seemed rather ordinary; perhaps even mousey. Until today, every time we have encountered one another her hair has been up, her face free of any kind of makeup, and her wardrobe appeared limited to baggy jeans and sweatshirts. As such, I had no doubts about my ability to move in to the second bedroom and share the apartment with her on a purely platonic level. After all, what man in his right mind would willingly take on a roommate that he was sexually attracted to? Such an unholy union of hormones and personal finance decisions could lead only to disaster. I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when I saw her dressed to go to a club this evening. She passed me on her way out, and for a moment I had no idea who she was or what she was doing in my apartment. She wore tastefully applied makeup and let down her hair, which I had no idea was so long, so lustrous, and so wonderfully girly-smelling. Her thin tank top gave just hint of her marvelous cleavage (did she even HAVE breasts before today?) as well as a delicious view of a small tattoo on her shoulderblade and another, larger one on the small of her back. Her form-fitting low rise jeans and high-heeled leather boots perfectly accentuated her ass, which I quickly noticed was shaped like a little upside-down heart. I love that. She simply smiled at me and said: "don't wait up," while I sat at the table attempting to put my tongue back inside my head. For the next six hours, I marveled over what I had seen. I successfully fought the urge to do anything creepy or pervy while she was out, though I was tempted to take a look through her room to get an idea of what kind of lingerie she owns. Such information would be enormously valuable in my sexual fantasies, but fortunately I am a man of considerable restraint. I contented myself with passing the time, alternately watching television and pacing the apartment picturing her naked. My heart skipped a beat as I heard her key slide into the lock. I would get to check her out again as she walked from the living room to her bedroom! I was disheartened when she stumbled through the door giggling, and the emotion was compounded when you two gentlemen followed behind her. Clearly the three of you were quite drunk. I did find it rather comical how she mixed up your names, though I can't say I remember either of them. You all used the bathroom, two times each, leaving the other two to make uncomfortable drunken small talk with me each time. Then the three of you retired to her room, though I feel I must warn you that these walls are paper-thin. I can clearly hear quite a lot of giggling, as well as the bass of your voices and an occasional cooing noise from her. After careful analysis of these sounds, I have decided that sex has not taken place... yet. I beg of you, please refrain from having sex with her. My sexual fantasy has only just begun a few hours ago, and I fear that I shall never recover it should it become permanently attached to the sounds and mental images of my luscious roommate being tag-teamed by your ugly drunken bodies. I now know that my formerly unremarkable wallflower has the capacity to transform herself into a ravishing little sex kitten. I only hope that she will once again come home drunk and horny, only this time all alone, with no one but me to comfort her in her uninhibited, deperate, inebriated haze of desire. Please sirs, give me this chance. I will gladly notify you afterwards, when things have become uncomfortable and awkward between us. At that time, you will be more than welcome to return and have your threesome with my hot roommate. I will even supply the condoms. At minimum, I hope you will have the at least the courtesy to be too drunk to get it up and fall asleep immediately afterward. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-24T04:19:17-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69920575.html Kind sirs, please abstain from having sex with my roommate text Souplantation http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69269904.html I like to eat at Souplantation because you can eat a reasonably healthy meal reasonably quickly, and they have a decent variety of grub available. I eat there maybe once a week on average. There are, however, a few things which prevent it from achieving dining perfection. 1) Overly-aggressive tray-grabbing drones. Look, I went to college. I got used to having a tray under my plate. I'm probably not the only one. I'm guessing that some of your patrons (not to mention some of your employees) prolly got used to eating from trays in The Big House. It's just not that big a deal, so please fuck off, OK? I know you're only doing your job, which is to send me the unsubtle message that I should hurry the fuck up, eat my meal, and get the fuck out of your restaurant. Guess what? That's my goal too! I don't want to spend any more time here than I have to. So if you grab at my plate one more time while I'm still eating from it, so help me God I will stab you with my butter knife. And no, I don't want a fucking cookie either. Just leave me alone. 2) Stupid-ass soup ponderers. OK people, this isn't that hard. They have four or five soups available. Some, like the chicken soup, are there every day and others rotate on a daily basis. Do not despair, there's a sign which tells you what they are. Convenient, no? So why in God's name do you stand there like you just beamed in from another planet, desperately trying to grok the concept of soup? Grab a fucking bowl, ladle some soup into it, and get the fuck out of my way! Is that really too much to ask? And you, Soup Walla: you should have figured out on your first day on the job that the chicken noodle soup is the most popular. It is damn fine. So... keep an eye on the kettle, eh? If I have to ask you one more time to refill the soup kettle, I'm jumping over the little plastic barrier and throttling you with my bare hands. You have been warned. 3) Stupid-ass salad bar wipers. Yes, your patrons are pigs, and make a mess of the salad bar in short order. So here's a concept - maybe it isn't such a hot idea to fill the little bins so freaking high. You know already that most of your patrons just disembarked from the "special" bus, so why challenge them with little mountains of cucumber, celery, and broccoli when you know they're just going to fucking knock them over anyway? And when that does happen, being inevitable and all, for fuck's sake don't use your skanky old dishrag to brush the detritus back into the little bins. Bitch, that's just nasty. Nobody wants to eat anything that came in contact with that skanky dishrag. 4) Seating Nazis. I avoid you by avoiding coming in at peak times. Souplantation is much better when it's festival seating. I realize that's not always practical during the lunch crush... but Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, is it really necessary for you to cause the whole salad line to back up for 45 minutes because there aren't enough of you to seat all of us? If you're going to insist on seating us, then for God's sake, at least do us the favor of seating all the squalling kids in one corner of the restaurant. In a truly random universe, in the absense of Seating Nazis, all the screaming-bloody-murder infants, like gas molecules dutifully obeying Boyle's Law, would somehow distribute themselves evenly throughout the restaurant. So isn't it amazing, in your perfectly Seating-Nazi-ordered universe, the same damn thing happens? What exactly *is* your purpose in life then? You know as well as I that the little bastards are going to wail at some point, so why not stick 'em all in the same section, since, you know, you're so intent on controlling where everyone sits anyway? Thank you. That is all for now. And no, I still don't want a fucking cookie. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-19T23:14:45-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69269904.html Souplantation text You peed... In my Living Room! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69005154.html You nasty man-bitch! You peed, in the middle of my living room. I still can't believe it. What did my roommate do to tick you off? And why on God's verdant earth did you take a whiz in the middle of my living room? I heard the arguing late Saturday evening. Something about her being a total bitch and never letting you get a word in edge-wise. She muttered something about you being lazy, selfish and cheap. But come on, she's a bitch and you're a slob, you two are P E R F E C T for each other. Did I interrupt your heated debate on how many orgasms she had or didn't have? Hell no! I stayed in my room. Did I interject when you accused her of being a frigid immature fat-ass (which by the way, I thought was freakin' funny!) - Hell no! Did I say a damn word when you said you've gotten more blowjobs from your canine companion (uh by they way I am calling the ASPCA on your perverted ass) than from her? Hell no! Again I stayed in my room and hoped that everything would blow over. But to no avail, I walk outside of my bedroom just as Adultswim was rapping up on the Cartoon Network and there you were - your damn pants around your ankles, no underwear.. and your bare naked untanned white ass exposed to my eyes, your penis whipped out (and might I add - DAYUM!!!!! When God was passing out the penises, you got in line 4 times. WOW, I tip my hat off to your penis.) peeing in the middle of my living room. PEEING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LIVING ROOM! What sick perverted douche bag does this? You couldn't take a dump on her bed? Needless to say I made the roomie clean up the mess. But wow, I am still in shock. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-18T12:15:01-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/69005154.html You peed... In my Living Room! text I am sick of sitting in your urine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/68483072.html Ladies, I am tired of using a public toilet that is covered in your piss because you are too germophobic to actually sit your ass down on the seat. Instead, you pee while your ass hovers above, 12-24 inches of air protecting your precious butt from public toilet cooties. I am not concerned about pubic crabs or toilet bugs or a rat coming out of the toilet bowl and biting my coochie or whatever the hell you crazy anti-sitters worry about, and I will sit down and make myself comfortable while I pee. When I was toilet trained, I sat down on my potty chair and didn't poise my two-year-old hind end above the seat and old habits die hard. So. A major side effect of the squatting trend is the little droplets of pee your squatting leaves all over the toilet seat. Don't even tell me you try to wipe the seat clean after you splash it. Just don't. Wiping a public toilet seat with sub-par toilet paper is even more disgusting than sitting on a toilet and is something that even I will not do. So you squat and pee and flush and leave and I here I come, full of coffee and eager to get the thong out of my butt crack, and in my haste I take a seat without noticing the urine that has pooled together on my throne. And there I am, my ass covered in your piss. Oh yes, there are times when I squat, too, but only after your exuberant peeing has ruined it for me. Miami International Airport is a wonderful example of a place where I assume I have to squat. Those toilets look like you didn't just pee, you exploded. Nobody abroad seems to have this problem. My ass has comfortably fell into the open arms of the toilet in Europe and in Africa. Yes, in Africa, where I am sure they have many more communicable toilet diseases than here, people sat their asses down and did their thing without a second thought. It was awesome. You will notice that in many places The Management (or so it says on the dispensers) now provides you with some sani-ass covers. These were specially crafted for paranoid butts like yours, so that you too can sit on the seat and have a potty experience just like you could in the comfort of your own, disinfected home. There is no need for my butt to be wet with your pee drops anymore. Alternatively, if you are still fearful of the germs that could climb over your sani-butt paper and fly into your anus and wreak havoc, perhaps you are like the woman who missed the toilet entirely in my office bathroom a few weeks back. As I stood up and buttoned my pants, there was her urine, pooled right next to my foot. Explain that one to me, girls. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-14T15:44:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/68483072.html I am sick of sitting in your urine text To my one night stand... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/68153430.html I'm still trying to understand the precise moment our encounter went to shit. At the bar you were about the hottest guy I'd ever met and I wanted to ride you like a Pony Express rider fleeing from an indian attack. With or without my beer goggles on (OK, 3 cocktails and 2 beers), you are one hot man--that ass, those fine blue eyes, ripped abs, beautiful arms. And when you made me reach my hand down your pants to feel your thickness, I got so wet I nearly slid off the barstool. Warning sign #1: your car. Empty Big Gulp cups stacked so high I'm sure they spilled out the window when you turned a corner. SCREEEEEE #2: your fish tank. The smell hit me when you we were walking down the hall to your apartment. Scum so thick I expected Nemo to kamikaze his way towards the ocean and his father at any moment. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE #3: your toilet. Where apparently a bag of Hershey kisses met its demise at the hands of a suicide bomber. EEEEEEEEEEE #4: your technique. Just lick the damn thing, don't jab at it like it's fighting back. EEEEEEEEECH Hear that sound? It's my libido screeching to a halt. And I thought it would have been trashy for you to fuck me outside the bar by that dumpster where that bum barfed all over himself and the dog was eating his own feces. At least I could have pulled my panties up and gone in for another drink. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-12T15:24:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/68153430.html To my one night stand... text I know ye all to well – Grunting Man in Gym http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/66003743.html Every morning you walk in I practically cringe at the sight of you Wearing the t-shirt you’ve worn since your sophomore year in high school You’ve clearly out-grown this tattered faded blue upper garment Riddled with holes and permanent sweat stains You cling to it, like its fabric clings to your pregnant belly Your shorts, oh dear Lord your shorts Too damn short for your own good My eyes, my eyes, shield them These brown daisy duke disasters, they leave nothing to the imagination And yet you were them every fucking day! Constant reminders to me that, yes you are a man My you have grown I can see your nuts and the outline of your penis If I had the nerve I would gouge out my own eyes You begin… Strutting in the direction of the free weights 40 pounds over weight, your gut leads the way and your ass jiggles with glee I can’t help but watch Like one of those horrible car accidents on the side of the freeway I am mesmerize Sure I have seen it before, but damn you and your gripping jiggling, it pulls me in You begin… A bench press – the horror ensues. You press a meager 50 pounds But you grunt, groan, scream and hurl profanities “Shit, fuck, oh damn, arrghh, yeah fuck, whew!” This continues for the duration of an ENTIRE SET! Each exercise is the same A series of reps accompanied by a slur of obscenities and then it happens The horrid moment everyone at the gym dreads We can’t look away We know the moment is coming And you never let us down – God bless your chubby ass You bend over for the stretch The infamous ‘end of routine’ stretch The back of your shorts drenched in ass sweat Your nuts proudly hanging from your shorts (that are way too fuckin’ short) And you rip one – you rip a loud one A loud obnoxious, angry, from the bowels of hell… F A R T! And then you take your leave As I and other patrons are left, once again stunned, bewildered Shaking our heads in utter disbelief We are left mere shells of our former selves We silently curse you – fat bastard – fat bastard who comes in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday We will meet again. this is in or around Northpark webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-29T11:58:39-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/66003743.html I know ye all to well – Grunting Man in Gym text Damn You San Diego http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/65335205.html So I moved to San Diego about two months ago, and I would like to think that by now, I've settled into a relatively satisfying and productive life here. Nevertheless, there are a few things that are all kinds of lame that need to be addressed. Rain. I'm really not going to blame anyone for this, but I really do love the fact that I happened to move into a room with a leaky roof just in time for the worst rain in a century. Rigging towels in the rafters because I'm too poor to do anything about it is really not the best foot to start out on. Traffic signs. Is everyone in San Diego cockeyed? How difficult could it possibly be to position highway signs in such a way as to have the arrows actually point to the lanes they are referring to? I mean hell, it's an issue of a straight line. Most places have gotten this down by now. You may be cool with having to count the lanes in order to figure out where you're going, but think about the other people that have drivers licenses. Do you really want them getting distracted by counting? You know that their heads are likely to explode, which is just an inconvenience. Trust me. Getting on or off I-5 onto Garnet. What jerkoff decided that there needed to be an impossible series of traffic lights with no apparent purpose but to impede the flow of traffic? It should not take 40 minutes to exit. I should not spend 30 of my 40 minute commute trying to get on or off of highways. Do you not have to study the essential functions of your job before becoming an urban planner here? If they're looking for someone with absolutely no ability to improve traffic flow, I bet I could do it and make more money than I am now. I won't even complain about my pension being stolen. I'll still complain about my Social Security being stolen though. Drive-thrus. I've never spent so much time attempting to get "fast" food. I was in the drive thru line at popeyes today for 25 minutes. TWENTY FIVE. Do you realize how much of a lunch break that is? that's 25/60ths. 5/12ths. some sort of decimal too! I don't have that kind of time to get something from Popeyes. I didn't even really want it in the first place. Just because I was out drinking until 1:30 last night and had to trade breakfast for sleep doesn't mean that those biscuits are really worth that much time or effort. I thought people in SoCal were health conscious or something? Go eat some sprouts. I don't have time for this. While we're on the subject, burgers. I know that everyone out here likes to cream themselves over In-N-Out Burger. Guess what? It tastes like a shit patty. It's no better than every other cardboard fast food restaurant and no amount of people who have never eaten outside of southern california can convince me otherwise. I want my burgers big, thick, charred, juicy, and with taste. It should not be interchangable with a McDonalds patty. The difference should not be in the vegetables. In-N-Out can suck a dick. That'd probably make it taste better. Pickup trucks. And I thought that there was a waste of big cars in upper-middle suburbia hell where I came from. I swear to god that your F-150 does not impress me. It does not intimidate me when you try to drive over my Hyundai on 52 because I'm only going 77. Where's the fuel efficiency? Where are the high emissions standards? Where's the drunken gun accidents that weed these people out? I really wanted to discover a better situation than this. Plenty of trucks and SUVs for no reason back home too, but they're mixed in with other pointless vehicle choices. At least gimme some variety people! Massive corruption and other government silliness. You elected Arnold to be your governor. OK, you've done it before. Reagan did alright for himself I suppose and Arnold at least has been around politics for a bit. Plus, it's a state full of immigrants. What better way to force the country to give you jobs that you aren't qualified for than to put an unqualified immigrant in a position of massive influence and power? But who am I to complain? I'm from DC, where our mayor is videotaped smoking crack with a hooker and gets reelected as soon as he gets out of jail and puts on a multicolored hat of redemption. More disappointing and confounding though is that the person receiving the most votes for mayor isn't the mayor. The electoral college is one thing, but c'mon. Most votes wins. c'mon. Public transportation. I miss it. I miss busses that go places efficiently. I miss riding the subway. I miss not having to drive everywhere. I miss crazy people proselytizing during my impossibly long commute. I miss people that really thought that shoving their briefcase between the doors of the subway would accomplish anything more than losing their briefcase. I miss people yelling at each other in different languages because nobody understands the damn map. I miss the thugs that would get high and try to sing. I miss WMATA suddenly realizing that they could jack up the prices on friday and saturday nights drunk people will pay anything. Crazy drunk people. Mostly I miss all of society being forced to deal with each other's idiosyncracies that produce so many great rants. Cultural Hierarchy. I miss being better than everyone else. I come from inside the beltway. In Virginia. Not only does that make me better than everyone outside the beltway (as long as I don't leave), but it makes me better than the smelly people in Maryland that don't know how to drive and the crazy people in DC that only live there so they have an excuse to complain about everyone in the suburbs. I miss everyone just knowing that they were pompous assholes and genuinely not caring. We had a great system set up and it worked for everyone. In San Diego, people don't put nearly enough thought and nuance into their arrogance, and as a result, my sense of superiority leaves me far less smug than it should. Rants. The San Diego rants on Craigslist have been really disappointing. Where's the frustration? Where's the urges to commit horrific acts of violence? Where are the grand tales of genuine horror or bonding with flat out crazy people and moments? Filling out myspace surveys does not count. poetry rarely counts. one sentence posts don't count. This apparently leaves you all with exceptionally detailed scientific analyses of why you should get a date (perhaps reflecting specifically why you DON'T) and stories of men being inappropriately naked. Inappropriate nudity is nothing to scoff at, but is that really all that's going on here? There are millions of you out there, and I know for a fact that crazy people do all variety of crazy things all damn day. So let's hear it already. My job. My job is finally good. After the last two. Yeah, three in a month and a half. Things not to do when attempting to hire people include but are not limited to: Lie to me about how much I'm going to make. Lie to me about what work I will be doing. Lie to me about what my title will be. Not respond to my calls, emails, or other messages. Not tell me that the work is exceptionally part time. Give me any sort of test that lasts longer than an hour calling on me to prove that I can type. I typed the resume and the email in the first place fuckwit. Expect me to pay for parking when I come to interview. Forget that you have an interview. Tell me that I likely won't get hired because of my politics. Include as major aspects of the interview process a picture and a joke. As for this job, it has a long list of things that will likely supply me with rant material, but it pays well and it's easy. I like that in a job. I'd say I've done approximately one hour worth of actual "work" today, and I would imagine that people think I'm doing a good job. When two thirds of the office goes to St. Louis for two weeks, things die down and I start fantasizing about the ways in which I can translate the responsibilities of a paper-pusher into a creeping path to world domination. I start culling the headlines on Yahoo News and deciding who will live and who will die when I rule the world. I ponder great mysteries of the world, like what if China really COULD send the earth rocketing into the sun if everyone jumped off of towers at the same time? How would that change the trade relationship? How long would it take to get fired if I started leaving fake "while you were out" messages in everyone's box? How creative could I be? How much could I draw it out? For the past 6 hours, I have been receiving phone calls that are nothing but a very loud beep and then silence. I have fielded this call at least 30 times today. This is unacceptable and I'm having visions of the automatic dialer Simpsons episode in which this evil is finally vanquished in a hail of gunfire. I need to shoot a machine to make my day better. Several times. Or perhaps, since it's likely a fax machine that's insisting on fucking with my program, a reenactment of everyone's favorite scene from Office Space. Concurrently, there's a loud buzzing sound in the ceiling. It sounds as though there may be a 6-foot mutant bee of some kind inhabiting the ceiling space above the dropdown tiling. Which is something I could potentially get behind and start charging admission for if it weren't for the hole in the tile above my head. This simply means that I would be the first to die when this bee finally decides it's time to start working on its movie. I know I'm the new guy but this really was not in the job description. I've now managed to kill at least 30 minutes and, since I made it in early this morning through some crazy traffic wormhole, I get to skip out early in the interest of saving the company from paying me overtime. So I ask this of you: Be more interesting. Be more expressive. Incorporate some variety into your lives, tell me about it, and kill the damn beeping machine. Do it now. The beeping is starting to make sense to me. You won't like me when the beeping makes sense. In spite of all this, there's no snow. That makes San Diego better. Congratulations on winning, but don't coast. Get yourself in gear. Best of? this is in or around Almost out the door webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-24T16:34:14-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/65335205.html Damn You San Diego text My personality for your looks http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/64374174.html That's right, One hell of a personality here in exchange for the right looks. You all know somebody like me. The funny, clever, witty, smart guy who really really deserves a nice girl, but is so hideously ugly that it just never happens. For example, If I were to be set up on a blind date, and someone were to ask about my looks, the conversation would go as follows: eh hem. Friend 1: "You should meet my friend steve" Prospect Lady: "Oh yeah, is he good looking?" Friend 1: "Well he's got a great personality!" ***WARNING WARNING WARNING*** SIDESTEPPED THE GOODLOOKING QUESTION You see, I, Steve, with my awesome personality/horrible appearance am equivalent to the fat girl with the great personality, or great rack. My goal in life was to never be equal to the fat girl with the nice rack. Follow me on this. Friend 1: "You should meet my friend Stacy" Prospect for fat girl: "Oh yeah, is she hot?" Friend 1: "She's got a great set of tits" *****WARNING WARNING WARNING****Great rack does not count as hot! The "great set of tits" line is just as bad as my "he's got a great personality" line. But honestly, I do have an amazing personality, my mother has been telling me for years. All I need are some good looks. Well not even good looks, per se, but I need looks better than what I'm working with now. Now I know that there's some guy out there thinking to himself, "Damn I'm hot. But I just have such a horrible personality". If you're thinking this, then contact me. We can be like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs, milk and eggs, rants and raves. You get the point. The combination of my personality and your good looks and we'll be San Diego's most eligible bachelor pair. Or would we count collectively as 1 bachelor? Ah well, we'll figure out the details later. Actually, being the personality, I'll handle the details - you just sit there and look pretty. this is in or around SD webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-18T11:13:20-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/64374174.html My personality for your looks text Do the world a favor. Close your fricking blinds. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/62703081.html Dear Neighbor, I will admit, you are a very interesting neighbor to say the least. You always have your blinds open, for the whole world (okay, for me and the people in the apartment above me) to see into your apartment. You don’t have much furniture...okay, you don’t have ANY furniture...but you do have a kick-ass TV that, if I really need to, I can check the score of the game I’m not watching because I had my cable disconnected. That’s cool. You use your entire living room as your laundry hamper and rubbish dump...it also makes me feel better my sometimes slightly disheveled apartment. Thanks for the ego boost – sometimes I really get down on myself about not picking up after myself, or leaving my dishes undone for a day or two. The fact that you walk around naked in your apartment is fine, I guess. It’s great that you feel so comfortable with yourself and your body. The time I forgot to close my blinds, and you saw me in my underwear was fairly embarrassing, but I got over it. I can also deal with the fact you like to get into the shower and hack up half of your lung each morning because you smoke like a chimney. It’s highly annoying, but I have an ex-husband. I’m great at blocking out certain disgusting bodily functions performed by a male. Saturday night though, this went a little too far. I was attempting to have a nice, civilized dinner with some friends of mine, when I hear “Oh my GOD, Oh my GOD!!!" being screamed from my bedroom. It is my friend, and he is looking out of my window into your apartment. And there you are, at your computer, with your pants around your ankles, jacking off. You have both of your computers going – your laptop AND your desktop going with various types of porn. I know this is a completely normal human function, but come on – if you’re going to do it, do it like the rest of us…with your blinds SHUT. I don’t think my dinner guests, or I, should have been subjected to your masturbation techniques, or the fact that you can do it for over an hour and a half. You turned my *somewhat* civilized friends into total voyeurs. They couldn’t stay out of my room, and not because it was hot, but it was like a train wreck…they just had to check in to see if you had finished yet. I think the funniest part was when they pulled out my 70-300mm Nikon zoom lens to see how small you were. Furthermore, I completely lost my appetite – and I was really, really looking forward to eating the meal I had spent hours preparing. Thanks a lot, asshole. Please, please, please do me a favor. Close your blinds, windows, curtains or whatever. It’s fine that you look at porn and beat off, but it’s not okay that you are subjecting unsuspecting people to you performing that particular act. I’d really appreciate not having to waste my valuable time in therapy because you’re too fucking lazy and inconsiderate to close your goddamned blinds. this is in or around Downtown San Diego webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-07T12:01:46-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/62703081.html Do the world a favor. Close your fricking blinds. text Take part in my experiment! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/61349251.html <h1>1. Abstract of Experiment.</h1> You would like to go on a date with me. <h1>2. Introduction.</h1> Hi, my name is Theresa. <h1>2.1. Appearance.</h1> I am about 5’5” tall. I have dark brown hair, and blue/green eyes. I weigh approximately 115 pounds and I have no outstanding warrants for my arrest. Please note that, while my hair is approximately its natural color at present, it is liable to change three or four times a year. <center><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v290/bobfett33/Spankdiagram.jpg"> 2.3.a</center> <h1>2.2. Personality and Stuff.</h1> I am a law student at the University of San Diego. I am also a pianist, guitarist, soon-to-be violinist, tennis player, and cold-blooded killer who dabbles in drawing, painting and photography. I'm not a frequent gym patron, but I'm always up for a game of tennis, bowling or darts. I am playful and tricky (much like a hyena), but I can also be timid at times (like a tree frog). And, I can also be silently deadly at times (like a poisonous tree frog). But, mostly, I’m just a human. <h1>2.3. Things I Do and Don't.</h1> I often read books or go to incredibly awesome concerts. I’m starting to cook more, and I used to be a DJ. Lately, I've been very busy with my law school studies but I’m augmenting the hard stuff with some diversionary classes: modern dance, music composition and an acting class. I taught some kids some crap over the summer, and I just bought a brand new, silver Mazda 3! <center><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v290/bobfett33/Spankdiagram2.jpg"> 2.1.a</center> I like to enjoy a few drinks, but I really don’t care for smoking (pretty gross). So, if you do have something to drink, I'll probably be happy to drink the same thing, whether it’s Two-Buck Chuck or a strange martini. Although I’m not playing that much tennis right now, I’ll hopefully be playing more and more as time passes. <center><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v290/bobfett33/Spankdiagram3.jpg"> 2.1.b</center> <h1>3. Hypothesis.</h1> You are going to ask me out on a date soon. <h1>4. Experiment.</h1> <h1>4.1. Materials.</h1> I am extremely picky about my dates/potential future mate, and place higher value on intelligence, sense of humor, your great taste in music and the fact that you don’t still live with your mom, as opposed to your abs, pecs or the size of your wee-wee. (although being a really terribly hot drummer or something won’t hurt you). I'm particularly looking for someone who has interests, passions, and the courage to follow them for as long as it takes. If I'm interested in dating you, I'll probably want to see you several times a week, even if it's just once during the week, and once or twice on the weekends - maybe we’ll go out to lunch on a Tuesday or a Thursday, and I’ll wear something really cute – I might wear some of my really cute boots. You should know words like spank, homework and pandemonium, and phrases like "multiple orgasm," and "I’m in this place called ‘class.’" It would be a grave blow to our potential romantic relationship if you like listening to Kenny G, or if you look like Kenny G, or if you also kill people for a living (because we’d be competing for marks, and that would make things a bit strained… although if you really do kill people for a living, it still might work, as long as they are all bad people, or if you work outside the San Diego metro area. <h1>4.2. Things We Can Do Together.</h1> We can go to a really rockin’ concert, play tennis, or see a movie. Or you can show me some of your artwork, or play me a few of your favorite albums (or get out an instrument and play me a song you wrote). Or we can just go out for coffee. Or better yet, we could go out to Bob’s Big Boy for Hot Fudge Cake. <h1>5. Conclusions / Unanswered Questions.</h1> I’m even cuter than these illustrations suggest. You should e-mail me. Where have I been all your life? I like hot fudge cake. this is in or around Linda Vista webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-02-25T16:49:18-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/61349251.html Take part in my experiment! text Your mangina was showing in Balboa Park http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/61103764.html To the black man in Balboa Park who was pacing in front of my car with your dick hanging out...what were you doing up so early?? It was 6:00 a.m., I was the girl in the red ford probe who was drinking coffee and doing homework in her car...waiting for the law library to open. I don't usually park there, and I haven't been back since, but I was trying to get to school early and land a parking spot. I guess fate had something different in mind, since all the damn free spots near Cal Western were full. So I ended up in that upper lot in Balboa Park. That's when you walked by, talking on your cell phone. You were wearing a red muscle shirt and really short biker shorts that looked almost like black speedos. I thought it odd the way you paced back and forth in front of my car, but I didn't worry...it seemed too early for any drug dealers, crack whores or weirdos to be up yet. It wasn't until I happened to look up as you were pacing away from me that I noticed your package. It was right at eye level as I sat in my bucket seat. It was tucked...hanging out the back of your shorts...staring me straight in the face. Remember? I'm the one that spewed coffee all over her windshield and screached out of the parking lot. I ended up paying ten bucks to park closer to the school, but now I wish I had saved the money and hit you with my car instead. Now I am haunted by the memory of your nut sack...and yet aching with a sick curiosity. Why were you up so early on a cold day like this, pacing around with your nut sack and dick hanging out the back of your shorts? Who were you on the phone with?? Is this a regular thing for you? Is it normal to have your junk out in the open so early on a weekday morning, or is it considered a social faux pas..like wearing white shoes after labor day? Do you hang out(no pun intended) with other...what do you call yourselves...manginites? Have you thought about investing in a rain coat like other pervs, or do you prefer the spandex look? If this wasn't a special show just for me...which I highly doubt...then for who? Do you do this at home or just in public? On a technical note, how is this logistically possible...I mean I got a pretty good view of your fruit basket and I'm suprised you managed to get so much to stick so far in the back. I mean, I've seen silence of the lambs, so I know the whole mangina thing is possible...maybe I don't surf the internet enough, but I've never seen a nut tuck from the back before. Thinking back, I'm impressed by it's flexibility and projection. You didn't seem to have any problems walking or anything. You must use gold bond or something for the chafing. If you get this, could you please respond to these questions...maybe tell me when you will be there again so that I can drive by. I won't get out of the car...but I'd like to get a picture...or poke you with a stick or something...just to make sure that you are real. this is in or around Downtown webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-02-24T06:58:18-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/61103764.html Your mangina was showing in Balboa Park text Not just one in a million...one in 3 million! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/60907975.html Okay, so you're looking for a guy. (Why else would you be reading this?) Bad news: Your search is almost hopeless. Good news: I can help. First off, let's list a few assumptions, since this is going to be done methodically and scientifically: <ol> <li>You are female.</li> <li>You live in San Diego.</li> <li>You are looking for a male. (We'll get a little more specific in a bit.)</li> </ol> So far, so good. Now, let's look at the population of San Diego, based on our last census (2000): <img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart4.JPG"> Congratulations! There are 1,223,400 potential significant-others here in the fine city of San Diego -- 2,906,660 if you include the general metropolitan area. (There are even more than that, if you include population growth since the year 2000, but let's ignore that for the time being.) Let's give you the benefit of the doubt, and go ahead and modify our assumptions to include everyone in the metropolitan area: <ol> <li>You are female.</li> <li>You live in the San Diego metro area.</li> <li>You are looking for a male.</li> </ol> Cool! I've just about tripled your resource pool, and you didn't even have to do anything. But wait. I only listed the number of people here in San Diego. That number includes women, children, old folks, and men under our target range (freakin' cradle-robber). So, let's look at how us San Diegans are divided by gender: <img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart3.JPG"> Well, I giveth and I taketh away. Looks like less than half of that 3 million people are gonna fit the bill. We're still left with more than a million (1,450,423) males, so don't worry about it too much. But you're only interested in guys that are 25-44 years of age. I figured this because it's a nice big range, for your benefit, and because the supporting data happen to be arranged nicely. So, these are your target men: <ul> <li>25 years old</li> <li>26 years old</li> <li>27 years old</li> <li>28 years old</li> <li>29 years old</li> <li>30 years old</li> <li>31 years old</li> <li>32 years old</li> <li>33 years old</li> <li>34 years old</li> <li>35 years old</li> <li>36 years old</li> <li>37 years old</li> <li>38 years old</li> <li>39 years old</li> <li>40 years old</li> <li>41 years old</li> <li>42 years old</li> <li>43 years old</li> <li>44 years old</li> </ul> And it's going to cost you. Next slide, please: <img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart2.JPG"> Thirty-four tiny little percent! We're now down to 493,143.94 males, which I'll round up to 493,144. Trust me -- you really don't want a 94/100ths of a dude. Now, these guys are old enough -- they should have done something interesting with themselves, right? And that's probably gonna take some motivation, and more than a little bit of smarts. Let's be arbitrary and decide that you want a college graduate. 25 years old and only a GED to show for it? That's not your ideal man. And since he's making big bucks with that shiny diploma, he'd better have his own place. That's not too much to ask for, right? Otherwise he'd be blowing it on stuff like strippers and coke. Okay, a mortgage payment it is. Let's go to the factbook for the numbers: <img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart5.JPG"><img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart6.JPG"> The sobering reality is that, in San Diego, there are only 85,437 college-educated males who own their own place and are between the ages of 25 and 44. That may seem like a lot (2 Petco Parks' worth of young educated home-owning dudes! Be still your beating heart!) but we've already weeded out more than 97% of the total population. And we're not done... I almost forgot. I suppose you don't want your man to already have a wife, eh? How 'bout kids? (To those who didn't answer in the negative, you're shameless. Ya got spunk, but stop reading now -- there are plenty of married men who are willing to answer the call. Now beat it.) Here we go: <img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart7.JPG"> Twenty nine thousand, six hundred seventy two (29,672) unmarried, college-educated, home-owning, 25-44 year-old San Diegan males left. Sad. So very, very sad. Okay, let's wrap up by mixing in just a few more common attributes that you women look for in a man, the ones that do not facilitate numerical analysis: <ul> <li>Physical attractiveness</li> <ul> <li>face (subjective)</li> <li>height (150-250 lbs)</li> <li>weight (above 5'10" seems to be the going rate)</li> <li>large unit</li> </ul> <li>Gainful employment</li> <li>Reliable transportation</li> <li>A sense of humor</li> <li>Intelligence, wit..."them smarts"</li> <li>A romantic</li> <li>Uses craigslist (see Intelligence)</li> </ul> After running a triple-regression, complex plane interleave function (with a modified vector space, of course!), I am happy to provide you with the results of my non-numerical analysis. Given 29,672 San Diego males who fit all the previously discussed criteria, here's how many you can expect to fit the other, non-numerical criteria: <img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart8.JPG"> Before you say anything, such as: <ul> <li>Who is this one person?</li> <li>Where can I find him?</li> <li>Can I sleep with him?</li> <li>What about a threesome? I have a really hot girlfriend!</li> </ul> Shhh...quiet time, now. I've only got one more chart to show you, and when you look at it, you should realize how lucky you are to have found me. Ready? <img src="http://350zee.com/fun/chart1.JPG"> And all you have to do is email me. I know, I know -- it's like you won the damn lottery or something. Signed, A 25 year-old, home-owning, degree-having, romantic, intelligent, single, unmarried, handsome, 6'2"/175 pound male with a large unit, gainful employment, reliable transportation, and a wicked sense of humor... ...who uses craigslist. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-02-22T19:14:31-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/60907975.html Not just one in a million...one in 3 million! text Rave: Straight man searching for straight men http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/58541914.html Straight man sees another straight man for completely straight male-on-male sex. I'm as straight as they come. I lettered in track and basketball in college. I'm the father of two teenage boys, and the husband of an extremely attractive attorney. I attend church on Sundays, play poker at least once a month with my old navy buddies, and own a golf membership. I'm the poster child for straight men. But sometimes, I want something a little different. I want to meet another man who is as straight as I am -- that is, who is entirely, completely, unmistakably straight, a man who is appalled by the very thought of homoeroticism. And I want him to fuck the shit out of me. Because, really, there's nothing more masculine than taking it up the bunghole from a hung, masculine, STRAIGHT man. I want him to pound me until I bleed. I want him to force his thick, throbbing cock down my throat. I want him to slap me around, to degrade me, to shoot his hot wad onto my face. His hot STRAIGHT wad, that is -- I don't want any lameass queer man-gravy to come anywhere near me; the very notion turns my stomach. But I NEED to experience that hot, virile, and thoroughly hetero sensation of his spooge running down my chin. Oh, I've seen some of the pathetic straight-man-seeks-straight-man-for-blowjob ads here in CL. It is pretty obvious what is happening in those ads -- you queer knob-jockeys don't have the 'nads to admit to your gay leanings. I'm OK with that, really -- to each his own. More power to you. But I really think you would be a lot happier if you would just admit that you are queer, and get on with life. But I'm not that way at all. I'm no queer. I'm just a normal, straight, chick-loving guy who likes to whitewash another guy's back 40 now and again. There is nothing inherently gay about two men spending an afternoon brownhatting, before going home to their wives. Sure, yes, I love playing the skinflute. Yes, I enjoy the feeling of a thick love muscle pounding into my chocolate cha-cha, now and again. But I like it in a manly, straight way, unlike you closeted, goober-smooching bungie boys. Any takers? NO QUEERS. this is in or around San Diego webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-02-05T12:41:04-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/58541914.html Rave: Straight man searching for straight men text How I become bisexual (Homophobes - don't click here) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/57564304.html It's a shame that lots of people don't understand bisexuality or homosexuality. I'm not a homosexual, I love women and always will. I just happened to be a very sexual, so much that there are other "things" can turn me on. Simply put - I am bisexual. Speaking of bisexuality, it is a fine feeling. I said - "it's a shame...", because many people don't even know what are they missing. Everybody enjoys variety. Every man can tell you that they are enjoy having sex different ways. But for me, bisexuality is just another variety. I understand a little of psychology, so I can tell you that only people with a high sex-drive can experience and become bisexual. There's nothing abnormal with that. It is just unusual for our society, that's why we have different opinion on that. That's why I can't admit to my friends and I simply enjoy it privately, but like I said it's perfectly fine. There's all bunch of crap going on in the media about homosexuality, that there is some sort of chemical imbalance... Bull shet!!! It is a normal feeling to experience sexual enjoyment with a partner of your own sex. It's just when you have some sort of problems in getting alone with people of opposite sex, because of your stupidity, shame or other problems - that's when you become homosexual. Simply because it's easier to get alone with a person of your own sex. Of course, there are cases when amount of certain hormones of the opposite sex in your body is very high, so you are a man, but look like a woman and act like one, and vice- versa - that's the other case. That is the mother nature has got involved. But it is very small amount among all homosexuals. Again, I'm not a homosexual, I just feel sorry for many of them, because they are missing of great feeling of sex with opposite sex. At the same time, I feel sorry for all heterosexuals, who are missing of a unique experience in their sex life. Let me tell you how I become an "open-minded". It's all started when my girlfriend had give me a pleasure that I never experienced before. She licked my ass. That's all. I was on top of her and I was very busy with kissing her bottom, when she did that. I've got to tell you, it was so pleasurable that I ejaculated just because of that. Of course, I was very exited, I was on top of her 69, I was kissing a person who I loved, my penis and stomach had touched her fine body and breasts, and when she licked me, it was just an "end of the world" at the moment. So I was done. For the first time in my life I ejaculated without doing anything with my "tool" (other than being squeezed between our stomacks). It wasn't inside of her and no one even touched it. Wow! I didn't know that was possible at all. Later, we repeated the same, a few times. I always loved it. But one time, I just started to analyse these things. How come I loved it so much? Well, the answer was simple. Because there are lots of erogenous zones around the anus. That's why I loved it. It's not because I was gay or didn't have any women around. There is medical explanation for this kind of pleasure, and I was experiencing it. So that's when I realized that I've got some other part of my body, that can gives me a sexual pleasure, besides my penis. I wasn't even thinking about bisexuality. I just enjoyed what she had given to me. And she loved me too. She saw that there's something she has done, that no one else had done to me before. She felt and saw my cumming when she was kissing me. She felt good about herself, because she could satisfy me like no one else. When she saw that I could cum in 40 seconds, instead of our usual 50 minutes per act, she felt morally satisfied. It made her feel like she is better than every other girl, I've had before. It made her feel special!!! She was right! She was special and I really loved her. So she continued to entertain me this way. To explore other possibilities, one time she started to inserting her finger inside of me. She realized, that if I enjoy her tongue "almost" inside of me, I may enjoy her finger as well. And she was right. I was kissing a person I love, and my lovely girlfriend was kissing me and as a part of entertainment, when she was touching all over me, she slightly inserted her finger inside of me. Just a little. You know what? It felt good. I wasn't thinking about other man, I wasn't thinking that she was kind of f**king me, but I know it felt good, and I liked it. It was just the next day, when I started to analyze what just happened, I realized that I enjoyed of something inside of me. I wasn't thinking about having a man inside of me, but I did enjoyed her finger. It took a little time before I made a research and realized that male's anus has lots of erogenous zones, that gives a great pleasure when it stretched. It is in our anatomy. Every man has potential capability to enjoying this. Unfortunately not every man tries. Now, it's just a common sense to realize that if I enjoy something inside of me, it should be normal to accept another male's part of body. But that's not all. ...We where apart for a few months. I was out of town. When I called her, I told her that it is been awhile, and for our young bodies it's normal for wanting a sex, since there's not enough at the moment. I didn't wanted her to cheat on me, and I didn't wanted to cheat on her too. So I told her about something that many people are a shame of even thinking, not even talking. I told her to masturbate. And I told her that I have done it and enjoying it. I didn't go through all the details how and when. I just mentioned that it was a relief. Just thing of it. You are not really cheating. You are not endanger yourself with sexual transmitted deceases. You are simply releasing the pressure that accumulated in your body, and there's nothing wrong with that. Decpite the fact that, I realised that she is not a baby and probably tried it before (if not doing it already) I continued to talk to her like I was asking her for a favor. I told her: you are not pervert, you are not doing anything wrong. It is natural for human body. Everyone has done it at least once. And you don't have to admit about this to anybody, not even me. You can tell me right now something like "yea, you're crazy", but when you hang up the phone, you can do whatever you want. Nobody sees you, not even me. It seemed like a natural way to fulfill the emptiness, when you don't want to involve someone else, isn't it? ...Time went by. I comeback to town. I can't tell whether she followed my recommendations or what. But I admitted to her that I did it. And it was fine with me. In order to not to put her "in the spot" I never asked her whether she had done it, but when I admitted to her, I noticed that she was kind of excited about this fact. It was something new to us. We started to joke about this, and when we had sex one day I told her how I've done it. At that time I realized that it will turn me on like crazy if I would see her masturbating. And there she was, laying naked near me and wanted to watch me "working on my own". So I gave her "the show". She saw me masturbate especially for her. That sight turned her on up to the craziness, and we had great sex afterwards, but I remembered that she was turned on by the sight of me touching myself. After that she was basically forced me on playing with myself before we had sex every time. She loved to watch it, and I got used to it. I didn't mind in doing that. It was pleasurable for me to see that I do something that turns really on my lovely girlfriend. It became kind of usual thing, she used to place her head on my chest facing my private organs. She used to take my hand and placed it on my penis, inviting me to touch myself. I used to masturbate with one hand whlie caressing her body with the other. And after I feel that she is exited enough (usually obvious by the amount of her "fluids"), we ended up with traditional sex, and everyone was happy. Again, it was a little later when I realized what I really enjoyed. Another logical analysis had brought me up to the speed, what I really did. I was touching myself, and enjoyed it. Seems like no big deal, after everything I tried before, but it really was. Since I am a man, I was touching the male's body and enjoyed it - yeah, my own. You may ask - so what? Every man has done it. Most people do it constantly. But, that was a big deal, because if you look at it the other way, I wasn't just enjoying because "something" had touched me. I was touching that "something" with my own hand and enjoyed it (my penis, that is). Please read again 2 previous sentences, because they are very important! My penis wasn't the only part of my body sensed the pleasure, it was the arm as well. That's when I realized that if I would touch someone else's body I could like it almost the same way. That's when, for the first time in my life I started of thinking of touching another man. And it was normal, because my hands already touched my penis, and I know how that feels, and if I like it, I may as well like the touching of another man. So there I was, for the first time fantasized my being with other man. But I wasn't a "man enough" to do this in reality. And even that wasn't all. Let's admit, being a man we at least once had fantasized how fun would that be with two women at the same time. There's no guy in the world who would refuse that (unless you're gay). And it is exciting sight for many man to see two women enjoying each other. That was the other drive, when I realized that it could be enjoyable for my woman to see me with another man. I was thinking if she would asked me to bring another girl to bed - what would I feel? Maybe I am complete idiot and 99% of women wouldn't find it excited to be with two guys at the same time, but I decided to gamble. And I was right. Our conversation had revealed the interest for my girlfriend to see me with another man. I really loved her, and it turned me really on, the fact that I could do something, that will "drive her crazy" (in a good way). It was very enjoyable for me to think that I could brought some pleasure to my women by touching and being with another man. And when I asked her: Does she wanted to be with two man at the same time? The answer was obviously yes. But the primary reason for bringing another man in our bed, was love to my woman. I thought that it is selfish to not let your partner to be with another person. If I really love her, wouldn't I want her to be happy? We all know that people are different, and being with different partners may give you a slightly different experience. And it seemed wrong to me that she would have to loose that variety experience just because we are a couple. Yet, jealousy and some of my "macho" thoughts wouldn't let me receive enjoyment of seeing my woman with another man. So, to remove this block, I finally found the solution: In order to not to get jealous of another man - I have to learn to enjoy that other man. If I will think of him as my own toy, then I can't be jealous at all. And since the durty thought was already in my mind, it was easy to convince myself to give it a try. I used to be a jealous type of person, but after that I saw this as an opportunity to give a new pleasure experience to my woman. Yes, I can kiss her, I can touch her and I can have her, but I can also do something that not a lot of men can do, I can give her a pleasure of being with another man. And since I am able to do and arrange that, she was grateful to me for the pleasure which she never experienced previously. And that wasn't the fact of being with someone else. It was a feeling of openness and true love, the love so strong that will allow her to enjoy pure sex and nothing else. I didn't shared my love. I loved her and she really loved me too. I just loved her so much, that I wanted her to enjoy everything, even another man. When she understood my philosophy, she started to love me even more. It was a great experience for both of us. ..... That was about 10 years ago. We split for some stupid reason, which has nothing to do with sex, lust or my bisexuality, because the sex was always great. I was so secure in our relationship (and in my self) that I wasn't afraid that she would like someone else more than me. To me, another man was just a sex-toy, which I let my girl to play with But, can you love your partner so much that you would let her or him to be with another person, just for fun? bi. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-01-29T04:39:25-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/57564304.html How I become bisexual (Homophobes - don't click here) text Ten Weird Things About Me http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/56206581.html 1. I use a fake name in Starbucks because it makes me laugh. 2. While I'm waiting for my overpriced latte, I'll read the horoscopes. Mine, Taurus, is usually the most boring, so I'll adopt a different sign for the day. I love my Scorpio days the best. 3. I don't wear underwear and I have lousy short-term memory. I sometimes keep panties in my purse, in case I go shopping for jeans, but then I forget about them. There are now way too many people who've unintentionally and undeservedly seen my undies. 4. When I caught my ex with his mistress, I went on goodvibes.com and ordered all their top-selling vibrators. I'd always had a phobia about sex with machinery (what if it shorts and catches fire while it's near my hoo hoo?). But I figured I was never going to trust a man enough to have sex with one ever again. Thankfully, I was wrong but now I've got this closet full of vibrators.... 5. Botox is causing my paralyzed forehead to slide down so I'm developing a Neanderthal brow. No more Botox. 6. I've had sex with someone young enough to be my son. Ick. But not as young as my son, thank God. 7. I wear men's hiking boots with everything -- even bike shorts. I'm just waiting for What Not To Wear to ambush me. 8. I love first dates. I hate every other date after that. 9. I once paid the electric bill for my sister's neighbor. I'd never even met her, but her 13-year old daughter told my sister the lights weren't working. I raced out of my son's music recital so that they'd have power for the weekend. A week later, mine was turned off because I'd forgotten to pay it. I forgot to pay my own electic bill. 10. I love my own breasts so much that sometimes I feel myself up in the car. 11. I laugh when bad things happen because I figure it's God messing with me. Get a flat in a bad neighborhood, I smile. Spill a full cup of coffee on me, I giggle. Walk into a pole, I absolutely dissolve in laughter. I look nuts. 12. I can't count. But I have an Accounting degree. 13. I want for nothing more in life than to win a "Best of" slot on CL. Sad, isn't it? That's me -- just a little bit off. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-01-18T20:57:58-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/56206581.html Ten Weird Things About Me text The men I have dated http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/51842799.html My friends frequently laugh at my luck with men...or lack thereof actually. Here is an abridged list of some of the whack jobs i have gone out with... in no particular order 1. this one is my favorite, so I'll start with this sap. Closet Holy Roller: This guy. I once made the fatal error of dating a neighbor. He was cute, educated, really nice and oh so convenient. We had been going out for a month or so with no booty. he'd want to kiss and make out like a banshee, but would never seal the deal. And he never really wanted to go out and party with me either which was kinda boring. Staying home and watching a movie is cool, but after a midterm and a long day of work sometimes you just need to take a bottle of wine to the dome, am i right? So I go home to northern cali for a week or so and come back down with the intent of letting the poor guy down easily. The fucker beat me to the punch. He sits me down and tries to explain to me that "he really likes me alot, and because of that I am really interfering with his relationship with God. And that relationship is more important than any he could ever have in life. I nearly pissed myself trying not to laugh. So yes, I have been dumped for the higher power. I have been dumped for other girls, even a guy once, but this was the first time i was dropped for the higher being. 2. The Irish Curse Guy: You never would have guessed it by looking at him. But this guy was hung like an infant. And believe me, with my luck with men, I wasn't going to discard him just for that. BUT when You refuse to take cues on what I like orally, then this just ain't gonna go much farther. And I especially loved how he thought he was hung like a black man. After I dumped his ass, he called me months later for a booty call promising that if I came to his house, " I would not be disappointed." I started laughing into the receiver. " For 3 months, I was nothing BUT disappointed." Believe me, it wasn't worth the gas to get over there. I flicked the bean alot when i was with that guy. thank god for porn. 3. The Guy in the Band: This narcissist was too much. The guy was cool, but god damn.I should have gotten out when I saw the goddam mirror on the ceiling. Every fucking night he wants to play the same goddam song on the guittar while I'm sitting there trying to watch sportcenter. At first I liked it. Thought it was romantic and all. But the SAME SONG EVERY NIGHT. It makes you homicidal. It ended during the NBA playoffs of 03. Back when the Kings/Lakers rivalry was high. Horry hit that 3 to win game 4.devastating. absolutely devastating. Anyway, I'm a basketball nazi. especially about the Kings. And for one night, JUST ONE NIGHT, I wanted to hang out and do something I wanted to do. Drink beer, barbeque and watch the playoffs. He had a fucking HEART ATTACK. He couldn't believe I wanted to hang out with my friends and watch basketball instead of seeing his stupid band play a show. And i was a good girlfriend, i went to SOOOO MANY before. So i had had it. I hung up my converse all stars so to speak. I do miss the sex though. He was a great fuck. Most of those narcissistic band guys are though. Good performers in life are good in bed. well, most of the time anyway. Yeah, I dumped a guy for basketball. And I wonder why I have dating problems =] 4. The guy from work: my advice to anyone considering this dumb ass idea- DO NOT SHIT IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD! Advice i had heard but did not heed. But this guy was worth it right? He was different! Even if it didn't work out, we could be friends. HE was cool like that. How ignorant am i? This was the WORST of them all! He seemed nice. But then he thought I was the love of his life after 2, yes 2, dates. And I'm not one for intimacy right off the bat. So of course I abort this mission reeeeeeeeal quick. And he so doesn't get the memo. I'm getting flowers, and cards. "WHat can I do to make this right?" ok, WE HAD 2 DATES! Then the psycho shows up at my friend's house one night wanting to talk it out...And he's crying . Christ in a fucking sidecar man. Theres nothing sexier than a crying man. fucking a. So i basically patted him on the head and told him there was someone else. There wasn't, but whatever. Work was real fun for awhile . Anytime a male friend came by to visit he got this look like a just smashed a puppy in the head with a beer bottle. Pussy. 5. Long Distance/Older Guy: Met him on vacation. Had wild crazy vacation sex. He called me long distance to say hi and he missed me. sent me stuff in the mail. Came to visit me in San Diego. NO CHEMISTRY AT ALL. I honestly had nothing to say to this guy. And I really really didn't want to have sex with him again. And he bought a ticket to stay for a freakin week. Not my choice mind you. well it turned out that he had friends in SD he could stay with so it was happy trails to that fucker. and I felt bad about the stuff he had bought me for no reason, so I slipped it into his suitcase. There have been others...the younger guy who was sweet, but more like a lost little lamb. not sexy. the hot italian who couldn't speak english, but gave awesome oral.( hows that for irony?) oh and the guy who always wanted head during "baseball tonight." He wasn't bad actually. i should've let him hang around a little longer. oh well. But like i said, this is just an abridged list. And no, I do not hate men. I love em. Most of the time, I'm one of the guys anyway. Without the penis and all. To all you guys hating women out there and girls hating the guys: everybody fucks everybody in the end, it's the nature of the beast. You just gotta find somebody whos just as fucked up as you are to settle down with and be fucked up together. Aw, Christ on a crutch! it's fucking 330 am. back to studying for finals. Happy Holidays my little wankers!! the muser this is in or around the late night muser webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-12-10T03:26:06-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/51842799.html The men I have dated text You'll Be Disappointed - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/51826058.html Shortly, very shortly, you will figure out that I am a total loser. As much as I tried to prepare you for the *shock*, I know you will still be surprised. I am an indecisive, overly sentimental, insecure, sexually fucked-up, beautiful L-O-S-E-R. Right now, I know you are thinking wonderful things about me, but soon enough you'll figure out that i S-U-C-K, and then you'll leave me. And I'll let you go away without a peep, because I knew from the beginning that you'd leave so there's no surprise. The biggest surprise is that you stuck around longer than I thought you would. But do NOT doubt that I will TOTALLY disappoint you in EVERY way. Oh, and I cannot cook, either, which you'll find out when you open my empty fridge and see only salad dressing and packets of ketchup and salsa. And I talk to my dog all the time when I'm alone. I don't make my bed E-V-E-R (other than changing the bedsheets weekly), except when my parents come over. I do laundry and clean my home, but I like my privacy so I'll probably never ask you to come over and see it. I lie about being busy on the weekends because usually I'd prefer to watch TV until 2am. Oh, and I've slept with 10 men but, if you ever ask, I'm gonna say 5. Not only do I eat cold pizza, but instead of putting it in the fridge after I eat a slice, I leave the pizza on the kitchen counter for a couple days and pick at it, room temperature (hell, the processed cheese alone will prevent it from rotting, right?). I don't shave my legs or underarms unless I'm going to be seen naked. Otherwise, I just wear my jeans and a longsleeve t-shirt. I smoke cigarettes, but have lied to you and said I hated tobacco. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and if it's missing I stay awake all nite. I like going to tanning salons, yes I know I'll get skin cancer, but I love the warm womb of the tanning beds. Ah yes, you like how thin I am? I take tons of diet pills. Yes, I know the pills are even worse than the tanning beds, but I hate so many foods that it's easier. Oh, and your "favorite" restaurant that I say I love: it really sucks and i HATE the food there. But I'm sure as hell not going to cook for you! And my last confession: I really like you more than I want to say. You're the first guy since 1993 that I think about constantly and play little games like adding Mrs. [my first name] to [your last name], etc. But you'll never know, cause I'm too embarrassed to tell you, even when you kiss me and say you love me. Because i SUCK, and I'd rather go down in a Blaze of Stoic Glory than be cast aside after I've admitted that I love you. Because it's only a matter of time before you discover these, and so many other, pitiful things about me and hit the Road and I'll never see you again. this is in or around Your Crushed Dreams webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-12-09T20:50:01-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/51826058.html You'll Be Disappointed - w4m text Our relationship will end in a death match http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/48531730.html I would just like to make that perfectly clear from the beginning. This way we can avoid the whole, "What? You never said anything about a death match!" thing later when we split up (learned THAT one the hard way). It works best this way, trust me. I'm interested in meeting someone for coffee or a drink to see if we connect. If and when we make it to the third date, we will spend that date writing various suicide notes so that the eventual winner won't have to spend time in jail. I'm thinking something like, "I, (your name here) find myself so despondent over the loss of my relationship with (my name here), that I have decided to end it all by hitting myself in the face with a croquet mallet 30 or 40 times. No autopsy, please." About me: I'm 31, SWF, 5'7", 140 lbs. Ex-Navy Seal, highly skilled in the ancient art of Aikido, and able to use any household object as a deadly weapon. Hobbies include watching movies, going to the beach and performing assassinations for the CIA in my spare time. About you: 24-36, 98 lb weakling. Non-athletic, must get exhausted rising from couch. Smokers preferred (unfiltered, two-pack a day minimum). webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-11-10T12:37:03-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/48531730.html Our relationship will end in a death match text I used to be his favorite, but now, it's over! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/48142189.html Back in the day, i was the hottest little item in the kitchen. I can still work it, but i just don't have the looks. Please, take me home with you, before my sadistic soon-to-be ex cuts me into pieces for recycling. He's got some sassy little stainless steel model fawning around the kitchen, and my days are numbered. The heartless bastard says if nobody saves me today, it's the sheetmetal cutters tonight. I'm locked in a dark garage at the corner of Haines and Grand.  <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/Fc/Hn/SIFglq4EwziQD8iErEnpeCLHSPVA.jpg"></td> <td align=center> </td></tr> <tr><td align=center> </td> <td align=center> </td></tr></table>  Seriously, it's a non-talking dishwasher. Works fine, it just doesn't look all that great. I'm really not a bastard either. this is in or around Pacific Beach webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-11-07T07:59:52-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/48142189.html I used to be his favorite, but now, it's over! text Free Kung-Fu Gerbil From US Navy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/46145943.html Found on my bridge: 1 Gerbil, 6" high, bipedal, with sweatband, black belt martial art uniform, swiveling hips and 1 mace. Gerbil will dance for you to the tune of "Kung Fu Fighting" when you squeeze his left arm. I, in turn, am not a gerbil and will not dance for you when you squeeze my arm. Please come pick up this gerbil before I lose all respect for my junior officer, who finds a dancing gerbil in a sweatband incredibly funny and complex. We will leave it on Rosecrans, near the submarine base, with the Marines. Hurry, for God sake. PS, I was just informed by my ENS that this is not a gerbil, but instead, a hamster. I stand corrected.  <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/BG/Jz/FFtcfPCY3U1ze6tlTJrDxrl7Ywwi.jpg"></td> <td align=center> </td></tr> <tr><td align=center> </td> <td align=center> </td></tr></table>  this is in or around USN 4th Fleet Pacific webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-10-19T19:12:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/46145943.html Free Kung-Fu Gerbil From US Navy text Dear Craig... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/41872611.html I love you Craig. You have done so much for me over the past few years I feel as if I know you personally. It all started when I was looking for a place to live. Someone told me about your site and I checked it out. After I moved (great apartment btw...thanks) I was looking for a job and remembered your site. WHOAH! What's a job hunt, are you trying to tell me I can read dirty emails and post some taboo fantasies and do it anonymously!? Needless to say the next couple days I didn't really do much other than masturbate and eat while still unemployed. Where am I going with this. Oh, I know... Craig: lets live together. I'm sure you have much faster internet access than I do, it's embarassing that I have dial up. But you already knew that I guess because you can probably get that information from your super-hi-tech computer room that's in the basement. I'm sure this room is really silver, with a bunch of blinking green buttons and a big ass screen that talks to you in some 80's movie computer voice. I picture you to be super good looking, but in a cute nerdy hippie way. You have scruffy hair and wear glasses. You only wear your Birks and your shorts that are a little TOO short but that's okay because your skinny legs are so cute and white. Our sex life would be very exciting, your head will spin. I'm flexible. I'm down with hooking up with chics too. I mean, I've never done it before (I have to tell you this, even though I do have some skeletons you shouldn't know about them) but I would if it made you happy. But no transvestites. I hope that's ok. We can also call each other fucktards alot. Craig, I hope you don't have a dumb ho wife. I will seriously kick her ass and make you mine psycho-style. Don't make me do it, just leave her ass and kick her out before I move in so things don't get messy and uncomfortable. I'll bet you have a yellow lab. We can go to the beach and play fetch with him, and I will wear a white flowy dress that blows in the wind. I will put flowers in my hair and skip along the water. I will also give you head. Please don't let the dog watch though, that creeps me out when they do that. OK he can watch. So can all your friends. I like that shit, Craig. When I move in with you, I'll have you know I don't eat meat. Neither do you, of course, but that was my cute way of telling you that I, too, am a vegetarian. Craig, your mom and I will get along famously. She LOVES to talk on the phone about gossipy family stuff, and this will be a great way to get to know everyone. When I meet them, I will smile and act as if I don't know your aunt's/uncle's dirt, but I do, therefore I feel as if I'm better than him or her and there is less nervousness about acceptance. On our wedding day, we will get really drunk, and sing in front of everyone. I know we have bad voices hun, but it's ok because we're drunk, and we're fucktards, and god dammit your uncle smokes pole anyway so who cares. Look, I have a little brother that is 17, and he reminds me alot of you. So eventually after he graduates High School, I would like him to live nearby. All I ask is that you two toss the baseball back and forth every now and then. It will be perfect because you both lack athleticism and will rarely catch the ball, while acting as if there is something wrong with the ball. Its just your poor motor skills, and a chess game afterwards is just what you two need. We both love wine, and you have quite the collection. Even though I invite my friends over all the time and we drink the wine as if it ours, you don't get mad because you will catch us having a pillow fight in our undies and then we decide to have a tickle fight before we make out for you. We will also suck on lollypops whenever we can. Not too much, they always cut up the roof of your mouth. Let me know when your ho bag wife moves out and I'll throw my stuff together and be there in two shakes. BYE CRAAAIGGGG. this is in or around San Diego webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-09-08T18:05:47-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/41872611.html Dear Craig... text Two Free Cannibal Goldfish http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/40707505.html Free Cannibal Goldfish... They seem like regular goldfish... they sort of look like this... <img src="http://www.tumori.nu/~tumori/nenga01/goldfish/goldfish.jpg"> Innocent looking... But little do you know... they ate 2 black moors, 1 lionhead goldfish, 1 calico telescope, 1 bottom feeder, 2 ghost shrimp, and 1 snail. I thought they died of natural deaths at first, but after my last calico telescope goldfish died, it became apparent why these two delinquents are always the last man standing... THEY'VE BEEN PICKING AT THEIR FISH-FRIENDS!! Please! Take them, but leave them in their own tank! They'll be ready to be picked up starting Monday (August 30th) Please have your own method of transporting them. (a bottle... whatever). I'll provide the net to catch those murderers. this is in or around UTC webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-08-27T14:17:47-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/40707505.html Two Free Cannibal Goldfish text Take my Sister-in-law please http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/39982285.html Please take my sister-in-law. She is 21, very cute, 5'3, average build with long curly brown/blond hair, photographs really well, with brown eyes, a jewish princess with no job, no money, no schooling and currently no prospects living in the Inland empire. She is semi-intelligent and has the makings of a good artist if she could focus on something. She would like to get off the streets of the Inland Empire and live in a nice house in San Diego, Phoenix or Los Angeles. Preferably she will loaf on your couch, eat your food, watch your TV, and take your money and steal your belongings. Perhaps she will clean your house if she feels like it and cook you food. She will definitely shriek at you. She likes the internet and will surf the web and play games all day if you let her. Ideally, she would like a handsome guy with money to spend on her and take care of her so she doesn't have to work. She likes dancing, going to bars, making friends. She is extremely extroverted and friendly. I am sure she is a fun chick if you like that kind, but again, i'm 12 years older with a graduate degree in software engineering, and not really into her. Ideally, I would like somebody to take her, marry her, straighten her up, support her, give her self esteem, pay for an education, cloth her in trendy clothing and treat her like the Jewish princess that she it. She is a good actress and can appear kind and compassionate when the mood suits her. She is good with kids, up to a point, and very good with animals. My guess is that if you work really hard with her and spend a lot of money, she might be thankful, but more than likely, she won't. She needs a driver's license, a car, car insurance, a visit to the dentist, orthodontics, gynecologist (don't sleep with her until she's cleared on the STD's), a visit to the lawyer to help clear up her arrest warrants, a new wardrobe, her own bathroom and bedroom, and money. An older man would work, she needs a father figure. Really this person needs to have a lot of patience, some money, and like to rescue people. A codependent person looking for a relationship might fit this bill. Take her while she's skinny and a size 8-10 after 2 1/2 years on meth. She's currently off drugs, which I don't know if that is a positive or a negative (again the personality issue). If she stays off the drugs and loafs on the couch, she will be a size 18-22 in about a year. If you get her a personal trainer more than likely she can maintain the 8-10 if the trainer can get her to work out. I think that Princess has potential, but we don't know how to get her fired up and don't have the time, the money and patience. We've seen faint glimpses of the light bulb sparking, but it always seems to go dim rather quickly. We did manage to get her into Community College and were going to pay for it, but she never did follow up with any of the important questions, like "when does school start?" or calling the program or financial aid counselor, taking assessment tests or registering for classes, or giving us a call and letting us know that she wasn't interested in going. Additionally, when the grandma and father dies, she might be worth some money, but then she might not. It's really a crapshoot. The princess has improved, according to my father-in-law. He says he believes that she's off drugs because she's getting fat again. As an additional added bonus, you can keep my father-in-law too and be the preferred family member of choice, since he will be closer to you. He can visit you on the weekends. Basically I can't take her because I already have a Jewish Princess Cat that fits the above description for the most part (sleeps, loafs on couch, demanding, eats my food, shrieks at me) and she would be mad at me if there were two Jewish princesses in the house. She has enough trouble with the male cat. If you live in Northern California, please do not respond. That's too close to me. If you are interested to the rights to this story, there's a couple sitcoms, 2-5 movies of the week and 1 major blockbuster motion picture. cats are OK - purrr dogs are OK - wooof this is in or around San Diego webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-08-20T13:31:26-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/39982285.html Take my Sister-in-law please text Hey Craig...... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/39487611.html If you dont update the "Best of" section by 12:43pm today......I'm going to take a Crap on the hood of your car. You have been warned. this is in or around Squatting......Unghh! webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-08-16T05:21:21-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/39487611.html Hey Craig...... text How many RnR members does it take to change a lightbulb? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/35747226.html 1- to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14- to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7- to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1- to move it to the Lighting section 2- to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7- to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5- to flame the spell checkers 3- to correct spelling/grammar flames 6- to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2- industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15- know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19- to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11- to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36- to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7- to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4- to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3- to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13- to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5- to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4- to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13- to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 17 - to say they have the best brand lightbulb and accuse the rest of being fanboys 1- forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. this is in or around Here webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-07-07T15:51:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/35747226.html How many RnR members does it take to change a lightbulb? text WORST morning ever http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/32352373.html So I woke up late yesterday. The day went downhill from there. I have to get up at 5am to be at work in a timely manner but when I rolled over, blissfully savoring my languid sleepy feeling, it suddenly hit me that my bedroom was terribly bright. Thats when the rush began. Bad enough I was up late but did I have to forget to put on mascara? I get to work and everyone's staring at me. I assume it's because I'm so late but then I remember the awful discovery I made as I checked my hair in my review mirror just before the mad dash into the office: I'd forgotten my mascara. Ah well, the stares make perfect sense then, right? Because a woman will full make-up MINUS mascara is quite an odd sight. Off to my desk where I, ever the girlscout, keep an "emergency" bag which I happen to know has a fresh tube of mascara inside. Repair is completed and I'm ready for my day. Or so I thought. About this time my boss walks towards my desk with a stack of paperwork that (of course) needs to be done last week. He stops short at the sight of me. I smile pleasantly, nodding at the papers and asking if those are for me. He turns abruptly and asks to see me in his office. SHIT! Off to the office I go, feeling exactly the same way I did when Teacher sent me to the Principal's office in 3rd grade for illustrating, quite vividly, what natural childbirth looks like. That hard hot rock of dread has formed in my stomach, but I march on. Ever the brave soldier, I am. Once in the office he closes the door and instructs me to turn around where I'm confronted with his full length mirror, the one he straightens his tie in before every meeting. I'm in my slip. That's right, my slip. I not only forgot to put on mascara, in my haste I'd also managed to forget MY SKIRT. And I thought that guy at the coffee shop was flirting because I was CUTE. webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-05-28T11:07:29-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/32352373.html WORST morning ever text How I effed-up a CL casual encounter http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/31309329.html Last weekend our email server crashed. I had to go in to the datacenter on Saturday to rebuild and restore it. I double-checked everything on Sunday so that pretty much blew my whole weekend. On Monday I was in no real mood for working but had to show up. My boss was actually very happy with the restore since the executive's email was flowing. I don't normally cruise casual encounters but thought...why not, I deserve something special this Monday. I read a few post from guys and said, I can do this. I put up my post explaining how I had worked this entire weekend and would love a fun casual encounter with a woman. After sifting through about 10 guys who wanted to know if I was interested, an email caught my eye. It had a Hispanic name I didn’t recognize as M or F. Her description was definitely female "I am 5'6 dark hair, olive skin, dark eyes 125lbs very fit, tiny waistline and flat stomach. drop me a line if interested." My keyboard smoked with a reply. Several emails later I got her pic and she wasn't lying. I emailed her mine and she liked it. This was amazing. CL is just awesome. I asked her to call and SHE DID! She wasn't very familiar with San Diego so we agreed to meet near Chula Vista at a hotel. She was only free until 3 but it was noon...so plenty of time. CL is just awesome...did I type that already. I was starting to get some movement in my pants. WOW, this really does work. I jump up from my cubicle and escape out the door...without my wallet. I get down to the car and realize...shit, I don't have my wallet. I creep back into the cubicle farm. My wallet isn't in my backpack. I frantically tear apart the cubicle...no wallet. My heart is racing. How the hell am I going to pay for the hotel room? I am going to need ID and a credit card. I think back...wallet oh wallet where art thou? I remember going home Sunday evening, I remember a friend calling my up for some beers, I remember walking to my friend's house, I remember drinking a fair number of beers, I remember my wallet felt big against my ass, I remember taking my wallet out and putting it on the side table at my friends house, I remember going home, I remember waking up in the morning and dashing out the door...I don't remember picking up my wallet! The girl is expecting my in 25 mins. I am in UTC which is 30 mins away. I don't have her number. My wallet is in a North County house 40 mins north which makes for a total journey of 1 hour and 20 mins to Chula Vista. And my friend is at work so there is low success of getting in the house. Shit, shit, shit. I figure if I at least show up she might be willing to do it some other day. I drive down like a madman, find the hotel, and pull into the parking lot with 2 mins to spare. Right on time, she pulls in...she looks like her pic...sexy...damn...I am such a looser. I walk over with a big smile and say hi. She tells me she is very nervous and I explain that I am also. I then try to explain the wallet situation. I am getting weird looks. I explain and ask her to reconsider for later. Nope, she has a 3 PM appointment she can’t get out of. I ask her about Tuesday and she says she will think about it. Her eyes dart to the keys, she starts up the car, and books out of the parking lot. I go to my car...drive back to work...type her an apologetic email...her email response wasn't pretty. "You must be some sort of weird picture collector. What kind of idiot can't find their wallet? I don't think I can go through with this. I am sorry." Well, that kind of idiot was me. I found my wallet so any W interested in a casual encounter, feel free to email me. I am 32 white male, in shape, short brown hair, 6ft2, 195lbs, nice smile, blue eyes looking for some NSA fun anytime from noon until 4PM. I am not a pushy jerk and have pics and phone number available. I really want to play hooky from work some time next week after working that entire weekend. As always...Please no men or professionals. webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-05-15T18:22:04-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/31309329.html How I effed-up a CL casual encounter text A slut's perspective http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/26820858.html I'm speaking as a slut. So before someone goes, "Hey, you're a slut!" Um, yeah, I know. Get over it. Anyway, I'd like to put an end to some incorrect rumors. Myth: Sluts have no respect for themselves. Fact: I have plenty of respect for myself. I have sex with multiple partners because I enjoy sex, and I don't like being tied down to one guy for too long. I enjoy my freedom. I'm sure this will change at some point. My biological clock will start ticking, and I'll start thinking more about the future. At some point, I will start thinking more seriously about wanting to spend my life with someone. But for now, I'm young and enjoying myself. And I'd have to say that I have a lot more respect for myself than the girls who stay chaste simply because they're afraid of being labeled by men. I have enough respect for myself to accept and embrace my needs. Myth: All sluts are crawling with disease. Fact: While many sluts probably are crawling with disease, those of us with any intelligence whatsoever are really careful. I have NO STDs. I always use a condom for sex and blow jobs, and I always use a dental dam when a guy's going down on me. I'm also on the pill. I get tested often, and I can safely say that I have never contracted an STD. Myth: A slut will fuck anyone. Especially you. Fact: I can get just about any guy I want. That means that I can and do have high standards. If I fucked every guy who wanted me, I'd have no time for work, school, eating, or sleep. Even if I had sex 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I still wouldn't be able to fulfill all the guys who want me. So, as you can see, I won't fuck you just because you have a penis. My standards are too high for that. Myth: Anyone who doesn't want to be a woman from the 50's who gets off doing laundry and making dinner and being a slave for her big strong husband hates men and is a lesbian. Fact: Obviously I don't hate men. If I hated men, I wouldn't fuck them. The last time I checked, slavery was abolished in 1865 with the 13th Amendment. While many women are content to spend their lives cooking and cleaning, I'm not. That doesn't mean that I don't respect these women for being able to live in their lifestyle, and I certainly don't think less of them for it, it's not the lifestyle I would choose for myself, or one I could tolerate. And I will NEVER get myself into a relationship where the man is in charge and I'm just along for the ride. Nor will I get myself into a relationship where my man has no balls and smiles meekly at everything I say. When I find the man who I can settle down with, we will have an equal relationship. I don't want a tyrant or a push-over. I want a man. Myth: Any woman who wants a man to treat her like a woman instead of like shit is a needy bitch who is just after the man's money. Fact: How would you feel if your date showed up with dirty, baggy clothes on, smelled from not having showered for too long, ate with her hands, and talked about herself the entire night? You probably wouldn't want to go on a second date. We put in effort to look our best on dates. We put in effort to make the guy feel special. In return, we expect to be treated decently. Trust me, if you act like a gentleman, your chance of getting that second date increases exponentially. It's not that we're needy, it's just that we like to feel appreciated, just like everyone else. Myth: Sluts are just trying to steal my man. Fact: I am not a homewrecker. I think it's horrible when girls go out of their way to get a guy just because he's married. I mentioned earlier that I could get just about any guy I wanted. I don't want any man who has a significant other. I'm just not interested. Myth: Women are all whores, men are all bastards. Fact: There are plenty of non-whores out there for you non-bastards. Myth: No man will ever want a serious relationship with me or any other slut. Fact: I have been in serious relationships before. What I realized was that I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. There are men now who want a relationship with me, but I'm honest with them and tell them that a serious commitment is not what I want at this time in my life. Myth: Deep down, every lesbian wants dick. Fact: Deep down, every lesbian wants pussy. If they didn't, they wouldn't be lesbian. That's sort of the definition of a lesbian; wanting to fuck women instead of guys. If she wants dick, then she's bi; not lesbian. Myth: ALL women want to see naked women. Fact: Maybe in your fantasies, all women love hanging out naked, but in reality, I'd rather not. No offense to other women. I'm sure you have great bodies, but I'm just not really interested. Thanks all the same. webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-03-19T02:55:50-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/26820858.html A slut's perspective text Hi! I'm the waitress at your local nudie bar. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/22370333.html Welcome to your neighborhood nudie bar! Come in, have a seat, check out all the pretty girls. Oh, look! Here comes one now. But why is she fully clothed? I’ll tell you: because she’s me, your nudie bar waitress--here to tell you about our two drink minimum… “Two drinks!” you scream, “they didn’t tell us at the door!” Let me explain, idiot: They don’t tell you that at the door because they don’t want to scare you cheap bastards off. See, you come in, you see a naked dancing lady, chances are, even the cheap mofo’s want to stay. You’ll probably be too distracted by the live pussy to notice the signs on all the tables that say, “two drink minimum.” So I’ve been hired at minimum wage to inform you. I don’t tell you this. Instead, I smile, and in the sweetest, bubbliest voice minimum wage can buy, I say, “It’s not the doorman’s job to tell you about the two drink minimum, it’s MY job!” I hold a little sign with all the drinks and prices on it in front of you and ask kindly, “What would you like?” You ignore the sign and say, “I’ll have a Budweiser.” This is where I change my tone to sad and empathetic. “We don’t serve alcohol,” I explain, “It’s illegal in San Diego to have full nudity and alcohol.” I feel you. I understand. You make me want to drink. Other times, I think, good try, little under-21 punk. You only got in because it’s an 18 and up club. You finally look at the sign I’ve patiently held in front of your face. This is where you exclaim loudly, “$4.25 for a COKE?!!” Inwardly, I sigh. Outwardly, I correct, “$8.50. You have to buy two.” I sense your confusion, (not too good at math, eh?) so I explain again, “It’s a TWO drink minimum.” You’re speechless. Let me explain: In America, when you have a business, you want it to make money. Say you have a nudie bar in a city/state where it’s illegal to have full nudity and booze under the same roof. Where the heck are you going to make your money? You gotta sell something. So you sell cokes and juices for $4.25. And you make it a two-drink minimum. Now you’re really upset. “8.50 for two cokes? I’m not paying $8.50 for two cokes!” Here’s a reality check, idiot: First of all, I’m talking to you. I doubt women talk to you much, unless, like me, they’re in the service industry. That’s gotta be worth something. Secondly, have you been to the movies lately? They’re like $9, and you don’t even get cokes. What’s more, you have to leave after an hour and 50 minutes. In a strip club, the entertainment is live. Nudity, right in front of you, and you can stay longer than an hour and fifty minutes. Plus you get two nonalcoholic drinks. For a mere $8.50. It’s really a super bargain. So get off my ass. I didn’t set the prices. The more I think about this, the more it bugs me. You aren’t paying $8.50 for cokes; you are paying $8.50 for the privilege of having many women take their clothes off and dance before you. Ask some random non-crack head woman outside to take her clothes off and dance for you for $8.50. See what happens. You might get slapped, you might get the police called on you. Now, with that same $8.50, you go try to get 15 women to do it. It ain’t gonna happen, buddy. So buy the drinks and realize it’s a bargain. But I don’t balk at your resistance to the $8.50. Instead, I make a cute little flirty face and purr, “It’s really worth it…” (I’m a real fucking bargain at minimum wage, I tell you.) Now what gets me is the sheer percentage of you who will---after all this---say, “Nah, I’m good. I don’t want anything.” You look past me, at the naked dancing lady, verbally and non verbally telling me, “go away …” I try to put it in even simpler terms. I say, “It’s a two drink MINIMUM. You HAVE to buy two drinks to be in here.” Then pause, dumb it down more: “You HAVE TO BUY TWO DRINKS.” You don’t want to tear your eyes away from the bent over ass a few yards in front of you. I know, it’s a joy to watch a pretty naked girl bent over slapping her own ass. But somewhere in your pea brain, it registers that you cannot fully enjoy the ass until you get the persistent waitress to leave. “Okay, okay,” you grumble. “What would you like?” I ask, slightly relieved. My smile is warmer. You look back at the sign. On it, an assortment of non-alcoholic beverages. Coke, diet coke, Sprite. Orange juice. Cranberry juice. Etcetera. You start reading it. Slowly. Yessssssss, your waitress has allllllllllllllllll dayyyyyyyyyy... After an eternity, you decide. “I’ll have coke.” I turn to your friend, whose been standing next to you the entire time. “What would you like?” “Uh, nothing. I’m not thirsty.” Part Two: I Bring the Drinks “Are you guys paying separately or together?” “Separate.” “That’ll be eight fifty,” I say. You see two cokes in front of you. You complain, “Ahh, you bring ‘em two at a time?” “Yes, you idiot. Like I would trust you to buy one now and one later?” Actually I only say, “Yes. “ You hand me a twenty. I make change, giving you eleven one-dollar bills and two quarters. Why so many ones? A. Because it’s a strip club! I’m hoping that once you see a big pile of ones, you’ll realize what they’re for, and give me one. B. I know if I don’t give you a bunch of dollar bills now, you will be asking for them later when the stripper whose ass you’ve been staring at hits you up for money……… And lastly, C. Since you’re probably not going to tip me well on the drinks, you for sure aren’t going to tip me for a second trip if I have to bring you change later. I unload all my ones on you now to save myself the trouble. But I do make it slightly inconvenient. I have learned not to hand you your change, which you will pocket. If I put your change on my tray, you have to pick it up. I’m counting on you being too lazy to pick up the quarters. That way, I’ll get at least fifty cents, (yeah, it’s pathetic what I gotta do for fifty cents). Fifty cents is more of an insult than a tip, but because I make so little, I figure it’s better than nothing. So you pick up the bills. You look at the two quarters on my tray, decide it’s not worth it, and leave them. You didn’t tip me; you were just too lazy to pick up the quarters. You don’t say thank you. Neither do I. I turn to your friend. “$8.50,” I say. He’s rifling thru his pockets. He’s scrounged up a five-dollar bill and three wadded ones. He drops them on my tray. “It’s $8.50,” I say. “You’re short fifty cents.” He looks at you. “You got fifty cent?” You remember that fifty cents and nod at my tray. It’s already there. For a $17 order, I get nothing. And because I value/need my job, I don’t say anything. Here’s a little rule: When you buy a drink, never tip less than a dollar. I live so far under the poverty level that I have to go to bars with $2 drink nights. I still tip a buck a drink. If you ask your strip club waitress to go get someone because you want a lap dance, give me a dollar for my trouble. If you didn’t tip me for drinks, and don’t intend to tip me to go get her, get off your ass and get her yourself. Lastly, don’t come in with a bunch of guys, have a big order, not tip me, then ask me to change $40 into ones to tip the dancers with. I’m not making a living wage. My paychecks do not even cover my share of rent. And guess what? In the tipping/service industry, the government assumes we are getting tipped, and taxes us accordingly. I lose money when you don’t tip. It costs me money out of my paycheck! My favorite: I wish you were out there reading this, but I’m assuming you’re retarded and illiterate. You came in. You bought two drinks. You asked for all ones for change. You gave me nothing, explaining, “I need these for tips.” Let me explain something: You’re telling me that the naked ladies are more important for you to tip than your server. Well guess what? Some of those naked ladies (deservedly) make over $500 per night. Your dollar, little man, doesn’t mean shit to her. You will only mean something to her if you get her in a private booth and let her do a string of lap dances for you at $15 a pop. Ten dances, she’ll remember you and smile at you next time you come in. I’ve seen strippers pick up dollars time and time again and not say “Thank you.” I will always say thank you for a dollar. That dollar will mean a lot more to your waitress. I can’t believe you, saying, “I need these for tips.” Then not tipping me, your server. I hope all that jacking off gives you carpal tunnel. webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-01-13T14:13:01-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/22370333.html Hi! I'm the waitress at your local nudie bar. text Why I hate my dog http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/19627844.html My dog is a big giant asshole. She is one year old and I have spent every available minute with her when I am not at work. She sleeps with me, she runs errands with me, and I put her stupid photo on my friggin christmas card last year. Despite my love and attention she has done the following: 1) Eaten seventeen pairs of panties, ten of which cost more than fifteen dollars a pair 2) Chewed the legs off the new furniture after I've fallen asleep at night 3) Ripped out two sago palms worth roughly forty dollars each 4) Eaten four T-bone steaks directly off the grill 5) Pissed in my new late model SUV while I was in the grocery store (less than ten minutes each visit) not once, not twice, but THREE times. 6) Shit in my friend's car who swore that I just needed "a little time out" from her...TWICE 7) Ripped out every cactus I planted BY HAND into a little bed in the backyard when I sent her out for a pee-pee break. 8) Shit IN THE SINK in my guest bathroom, when I put her in there briefly b/c a neighbor's child showed up unexpectedly 9) Dug a hole entirely surrounding my A/C unit, thereby rendering it structurally unstable 10) Ate a stick of butter unattended on the kitchen counter and diarrhea'd all over the carpet the whole night while I was sleeping 11) Ate a first edition P.J. O'Rourke signed book--simply unforgivable 12) Blasted shit OUT OF her kennel through the bars of her doggie cage while a friend dog-sat her. I am not kidding--she literally put her ass against the bars and expelled crap so that it went across the kitchen floor. Our friendship nearly ended over this incident. 13) I found another unsuspecting friend to dog sit and she conspired with his dog--who had a rudimentary working knowledge of the neighborhood layout--to travel to within a mile of the local shelter, thereby ensuring their capture. 14) There is so much more: the drawings my children made that she ate while I was folding laundry ten feet way, the lanterns in the garden that were destroyed by a whip of the tail...so much more.... And don't think that I don't pay enough attention or that I should take the time to train her. I've done both. She is fully trained to both whistle and hand commands. She has more toys than most children, and she sleeps in my bed at night. She's just evil and destructive. And don't bother sending me flaming emails about responsible pet ownership, I'll just delete them because you have NO IDEA what it is like to live with a dog who dedicates its life to destroying all that you hold dear. My little four-legged terrorist is bored, angry, whatever...I don't care. THIS NEEDS TO STOP. Oh, and BTW, just got a call that she somehow dug out of the yard (which is ringed in concrete) to make a not-so-incredible five mile journey to the local junior college. The person who has her currently has reassured us that "God loves us" but we need to get our shitty dog right away before she sends her to the pound. I think that God works in mysterious ways and our shitty dog is with her for a reason that we mere mortals should not question. PS/ If this is you that found our shitty dog--please stop calling. Thank you and good luck. By the way, if she comes back and you are looking for a companion pet, she is free to a good home. Please respond ASAP. webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-11-20T04:19:41-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/19627844.html Why I hate my dog text Older Women seeking Younger Man http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/16033959.html SWF-society matron, 79 years young,, thrice-dvorced, financially comfortable, enjoys winding amongst the lush gables of the La Jolla coast, sipping champagne to the earthen rays of sunrise and daily colonics.. Looking for a SWM , 29 or under, with gluteus hollows so deep you may hold the morning Sevruga without it running off the curves of your graded haunches. As my passion and respirator is unleashed, you will take my convulsive nakedness to a bath of nasal-clearing eucalyptus and primrose, where you, of stout member and liver function, may partake in oil of wormwood, a forbidden potion of desire that will leave you sentient for me and temporarily blinded for you. webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-09-09T15:32:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/16033959.html Older Women seeking Younger Man text food taster needed! asap http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/14004337.html I am not sure if this is going to work but I will give it a try. I need a foodtaster right away...I am allergic to everything! I am a SWM 30 and a lawyer who has allergies like none other! If I taste a peanut I die. If I taste peanut oil...I die. Get the picture? I need you to be my personal foodtaster. I always eat out so I need you all the time. well, only when I am eating. Sometimes I need you at the firm and sometimes we will be traveling (Europe and US only -- need passport!)...I like good food and wine but need to be cautious, hence the ad. I am willing to pay $120/day 7 days a week (approx. 5 hours a day.) -- you are free whenever we are not eating -- which is a lot. I don't snack! but I do like long dinners, lots of wine..(i am no AA but do enjoy the juice once in ahwile)If you are a hater of artichokes and olives that is a plus, I will explain later. Your meal is ALWAYS covered by me and if you need a place to crash I have a guest house full of everything (including maid) you would need. stocked bar, etc. OK so I will pay for training...my friends have it down but they are not always with me...so that is why I am doing this. What would you pay for your health? YOU MUST: be able to perform CPR -- I think you can figure out why. SO please answer these questions for me to get a better understanding of who you are! 1) Favorite restaurant 2) Favorite celeb - we are in LA 3) On July 15, 1994 do you think Hugh Grant made a big mistake? 4) Favorite book 5) Weirdest thing that has ever happened to you. 6) do you like MY COUSIN VINNY? - made me want to be a lawyer. answering no to this question will not hurt your chances of getting picked. THANK YOU SO MUCH. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!!!! Compensation: $120/day Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK. this is in or around LA - all over webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-07-25T02:38:06-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/14004337.html food taster needed! asap text Applications taken for missed connection (MC) - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/13855688.html I tell you what... We have got to make Craig proud. He has worked hard for us and we cant disappoint him now, not after all he has done for us MCs. LETS MISS EACH OTHER. I got a plan. Lets not talk to each other when we are attracted to one another. I mean whats the fun in that. Lets look each other in the eyes, lets smile at each other for couple of hours and then move on with our lives not knowing what would have become of it (see the suspense is building already) . You cant be my MC if either one of us open our mouth. So I beg you ... lets miss each other. To make sure that we miss each other (cuz there has been times where I couldnt shut the hell up and I started talking ... and hey ...dont laugh, I know you have done it too) lets set a time and place where we could meet. I'll take care of it all, not to worry baby. I'll tell you what I look like, and what I'll be wearing, and where in the joint I'll be placing my ass. But you have to promise me one thing..... no matter what... no matter how atracted I am to you or you are to me... we'll both shut the hell up and not say a damn word. May be we'll exchange looks but thats as far as it'll go and that's pushing it already. But what the hell for you I'll be understabding this one time. This way we can assure Craig of an MC. Please be there for me baby and dont disappoint me ..... please dont talk to me, I beg you. In return I'll always love you for missing me and I missing you. Regards Your MC Abid PS 1 - I already miss you darling PS 2 - I love you Craig and and as much as I love you domt get any ideas. Im not gay. I just love you dude. webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-07-21T19:48:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/13855688.html Applications taken for missed connection (MC) - m4w text I removed your condom with cardboard http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/12926587.html To the person who left his nasty used condom on my car antenna last night: Thank you for leaving your used condom on my car antenna. I realize that I put you up to it by having an antenna that doesn't retract when the car is parked. I also realize that you probably thought you were doing me a favor since I didn't have anything else on my antenna like a Weinerschnitzel dog or a Jack-In-The-Crack head. It was bare and begging for your little white flag wagging in the breeze. Thank you also for making my date more romantic. There is nothing like coming back from an innocent late night stroll along the beach to find used spew rapped in rubber. I was touched that a stranger would do this for me. Although I was tempted to leave it there for all the world to see, I decided that the flat of water in my trunk no longer needed its cardboard tray. I hope you are not disappointed that I didn't pull it off with my hand and used the tray instead. I debated keeping the remains that stuck to the cardboard after I flicked off your present, but decided that the trash can deserved some of your gift too. Thank you again for the present. You are too generous. Let's do it again sometime. You know where to find me... webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-06-27T10:52:35-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/12926587.html I removed your condom with cardboard text to the lady in the green suv who will probably kill me someday http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/12583105.html a stop sign means STOP. this is true even if the only thing between where your gigantic car is and where you want it to be is a small person on a bike. twice now you have failed to acknowledge the law and human decency and as a consequence you have come close to running me over with your ridiculously large, gas guzzling vehicle. last time, as your face was within spitting distance, i requested that you "WATCH OUT!" because i enjoy living/having use of my limbs. you responded by requesting that i "FUCK OFF!". then you made some obscene gestures at me. i should have spit. next time i will. webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-06-18T16:07:28-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/12583105.html to the lady in the green suv who will probably kill me someday text that's the last time I drink vodka out of a watermellon http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/9845181.html I woke up in the tub. My bed was covered with guacamole (I hope). There was a pair of panties in the microwave and my dog won't look me in the face. If someone can jog my memory I may find some peace. Mr. "probably going staight to hell" webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-03-28T16:44:51-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/9845181.html that's the last time I drink vodka out of a watermellon text I wish we didn't need internet dating........ http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/9739158.html Hi, everyone! I'm just leaving all of you potential friends and lovers out there a note to say that, if we all would act a little less paranoid with each other in public, then we wouldn't need to rely on this lucicrous medium to "meet"! Really! Next time you go out for coffee or cross a parking lot, try just smiling and saying "Hello" to passing strangers. It's easy and pretty risk free. Start by practicing on people you don't really think you'd like, anyway, and so won't be risking much from rejection if they're rude. You might find that some of those people are astonishingly nice! Then, move on to people who look more like potential friends. Warning: I have found that this method not only makes it easier to be open to fellow humans, it makes you more open to fellow humans - and less dependant on your old, a priori judgments. Yikes! (You might end up with a mate who couldn't win a Miss America contest! The upside, of course, is that you could develop a good circle of nice friends who share your interests and, as if that weren't enough, might someday set you up with your soulmate.) p.s. You might notice that if you try to jump ahead too quickly to greeting those who inspire lust, and you haven't yet developed a real sense of confidence and friendliness, you'll get reactions that seem to indicate your approach might be being perceived as sleazy. If this happens, back up and practice some more. You'll develop a genuine quality that will change your world! Best of luck! Remember, you don't have to sleep with all of your opposite sex friends, so just being friendly and sociable is okay and not all that scary! webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-03-25T11:49:59-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/9739158.html I wish we didn't need internet dating........ text