Every morning you walk in
I practically cringe at the sight of you
Wearing the t-shirt you’ve worn since your sophomore year in high school
You’ve clearly out-grown this tattered faded blue upper garment
Riddled with holes and permanent sweat stains
You cling to it, like its fabric clings to your pregnant belly
Your shorts, oh dear Lord your shorts
Too damn short for your own good
My eyes, my eyes, shield them
These brown daisy duke disasters, they leave nothing to the imagination
And yet you were them every fucking day!
Constant reminders to me that, yes you are a man
My you have grown
I can see your nuts and the outline of your penis
If I had the nerve I would gouge out my own eyes
You begin…
Strutting in the direction of the free weights
40 pounds over weight, your gut leads the way and your ass jiggles with glee
I can’t help but watch
Like one of those horrible car accidents on the side of the freeway
I am mesmerize
Sure I have seen it before, but damn you and your gripping jiggling, it pulls me in
You begin…
A bench press – the horror ensues. You press a meager 50 pounds
But you grunt, groan, scream and hurl profanities
“Shit, fuck, oh damn, arrghh, yeah fuck, whew!”
This continues for the duration of an ENTIRE SET!
Each exercise is the same
A series of reps accompanied by a slur of obscenities and then it happens
The horrid moment everyone at the gym dreads
We can’t look away
We know the moment is coming
And you never let us down – God bless your chubby ass
You bend over for the stretch
The infamous ‘end of routine’ stretch
The back of your shorts drenched in ass sweat
Your nuts proudly hanging from your shorts (that are way too fuckin’ short)
And you rip one – you rip a loud one
A loud obnoxious, angry, from the bowels of hell… F A R T!
And then you take your leave
As I and other patrons are left, once again stunned, bewildered
Shaking our heads in utter disbelief
We are left mere shells of our former selves
We silently curse you – fat bastard – fat bastard who comes in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
We will meet again.
this is in or around Northpark