Originally Posted: 2005-01-18 8:57pm
Ten Weird Things About Me
1. I use a fake name in Starbucks because it makes me laugh.
2. While I'm waiting for my overpriced latte, I'll read the horoscopes. Mine, Taurus, is usually the most boring, so I'll adopt a different sign for the day. I love my Scorpio days the best.
3. I don't wear underwear and I have lousy short-term memory. I sometimes keep panties in my purse, in case I go shopping for jeans, but then I forget about them. There are now way too many people who've unintentionally and undeservedly seen my undies.
4. When I caught my ex with his mistress, I went on goodvibes.com and ordered all their top-selling vibrators. I'd always had a phobia about sex with machinery (what if it shorts and catches fire while it's near my hoo hoo?). But I figured I was never going to trust a man enough to have sex with one ever again. Thankfully, I was wrong but now I've got this closet full of vibrators....
5. Botox is causing my paralyzed forehead to slide down so I'm developing a Neanderthal brow. No more Botox.
6. I've had sex with someone young enough to be my son. Ick. But not as young as my son, thank God.
7. I wear men's hiking boots with everything -- even bike shorts. I'm just waiting for What Not To Wear to ambush me.
8. I love first dates. I hate every other date after that.
9. I once paid the electric bill for my sister's neighbor. I'd never even met her, but her 13-year old daughter told my sister the lights weren't working. I raced out of my son's music recital so that they'd have power for the weekend. A week later, mine was turned off because I'd forgotten to pay it. I forgot to pay my own electic bill.
10. I love my own breasts so much that sometimes I feel myself up in the car.
11. I laugh when bad things happen because I figure it's God messing with me. Get a flat in a bad neighborhood, I smile. Spill a full cup of coffee on me, I giggle. Walk into a pole, I absolutely dissolve in laughter. I look nuts.
12. I can't count. But I have an Accounting degree.
13. I want for nothing more in life than to win a "Best of" slot on CL. Sad, isn't it?
That's me -- just a little bit off.