The men I have dated
1. this one is my favorite, so I'll start with this sap.
Closet Holy Roller: This guy. I once made the fatal error of dating a neighbor. He was cute, educated, really nice and oh so convenient. We had been going out for a month or so with no booty. he'd want to kiss and make out like a banshee, but would never seal the deal. And he never really wanted to go out and party with me either which was kinda boring. Staying home and watching a movie is cool, but after a midterm and a long day of work sometimes you just need to take a bottle of wine to the dome, am i right? So I go home to northern cali for a week or so and come back down with the intent of letting the poor guy down easily. The fucker beat me to the punch. He sits me down and tries to explain to me that "he really likes me alot, and because of that I am really interfering with his relationship with God. And that relationship is more important than any he could ever have in life. I nearly pissed myself trying not to laugh.
So yes, I have been dumped for the higher power. I have been dumped for other girls, even a guy once, but this was the first time i was dropped for the higher being.
2. The Irish Curse Guy: You never would have guessed it by looking at him. But this guy was hung like an infant. And believe me, with my luck with men, I wasn't going to discard him just for that. BUT when You refuse to take cues on what I like orally, then this just ain't gonna go much farther. And I especially loved how he thought he was hung like a black man. After I dumped his ass, he called me months later for a booty call promising that if I came to his house, " I would not be disappointed." I started laughing into the receiver. " For 3 months, I was nothing BUT disappointed." Believe me, it wasn't worth the gas to get over there. I flicked the bean alot when i was with that guy. thank god for porn.
3. The Guy in the Band: This narcissist was too much. The guy was cool, but god damn.I should have gotten out when I saw the goddam mirror on the ceiling. Every fucking night he wants to play the same goddam song on the guittar while I'm sitting there trying to watch sportcenter. At first I liked it. Thought it was romantic and all. But the SAME SONG EVERY NIGHT. It makes you homicidal. It ended during the NBA playoffs of 03. Back when the Kings/Lakers rivalry was high. Horry hit that 3 to win game 4.devastating. absolutely devastating. Anyway, I'm a basketball nazi. especially about the Kings. And for one night, JUST ONE NIGHT, I wanted to hang out and do something I wanted to do. Drink beer, barbeque and watch the playoffs. He had a fucking HEART ATTACK. He couldn't believe I wanted to hang out with my friends and watch basketball instead of seeing his stupid band play a show. And i was a good girlfriend, i went to SOOOO MANY before. So i had had it. I hung up my converse all stars so to speak. I do miss the sex though. He was a great fuck. Most of those narcissistic band guys are though. Good performers in life are good in bed. well, most of the time anyway.
Yeah, I dumped a guy for basketball. And I wonder why I have dating problems =]
4. The guy from work: my advice to anyone considering this dumb ass idea- DO NOT SHIT IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD! Advice i had heard but did not heed. But this guy was worth it right? He was different! Even if it didn't work out, we could be friends. HE was cool like that. How ignorant am i? This was the WORST of them all! He seemed nice. But then he thought I was the love of his life after 2, yes 2, dates. And I'm not one for intimacy right off the bat. So of course I abort this mission reeeeeeeeal quick. And he so doesn't get the memo. I'm getting flowers, and cards. "WHat can I do to make this right?" ok, WE HAD 2 DATES! Then the psycho shows up at my friend's house one night wanting to talk it out...And he's crying . Christ in a fucking sidecar man. Theres nothing sexier than a crying man. fucking a. So i basically patted him on the head and told him there was someone else. There wasn't, but whatever.
Work was real fun for awhile . Anytime a male friend came by to visit he got this look like a just smashed a puppy in the head with a beer bottle. Pussy.
5. Long Distance/Older Guy: Met him on vacation. Had wild crazy vacation sex. He called me long distance to say hi and he missed me. sent me stuff in the mail. Came to visit me in San Diego. NO CHEMISTRY AT ALL. I honestly had nothing to say to this guy. And I really really didn't want to have sex with him again. And he bought a ticket to stay for a freakin week. Not my choice mind you. well it turned out that he had friends in SD he could stay with so it was happy trails to that fucker. and I felt bad about the stuff he had bought me for no reason, so I slipped it into his suitcase.
There have been others...the younger guy who was sweet, but more like a lost little lamb. not sexy. the hot italian who couldn't speak english, but gave awesome oral.( hows that for irony?) oh and the guy who always wanted head during "baseball tonight." He wasn't bad actually. i should've let him hang around a little longer. oh well. But like i said, this is just an abridged list.
And no, I do not hate men. I love em. Most of the time, I'm one of the guys anyway. Without the penis and all.
To all you guys hating women out there and girls hating the guys: everybody fucks everybody in the end, it's the nature of the beast. You just gotta find somebody whos just as fucked up as you are to settle down with and be fucked up together.
Aw, Christ on a crutch! it's fucking 330 am. back to studying for finals. Happy Holidays my little wankers!!
this is in or around the late night muser