Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-07-02T20:37:09-07:00 2 daily The Truth about Daisy - ItalGreyhound/Chihuahua Mix 4 a Good Home http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1251398207.html Okay, so I have tried to get rid of my dog like six times on craigslist over the past few weeks. I tried telling this story of woe about this adorable little dog and how I love her so much and how she was a rescue and all that. I explained that now with a 2 year old daughter it is just too much to have two dogs and how my family and I need to simplify cuase we live in a condo and life is hard -- so sad. All of this is pretty much true and I tried to make the language in my past postings as well without spilling the beans about what the real story is with this dog because if most people knew, there is no way they would take this little freak. Like I said, everything described above is for the most part true except for the part about me loving her so much; I don't. I hate her. And while many who meet her find her very adorable, the truth is, this dog is seriously problematic. So after having tried to post something nice about this dog in my attempt to rid myself of her, I am now going to just be brutally honest and hope that there is some freak out there who will find it an appealing prospect to own and care for a poo eating, garbage toppling, pill popping (literally a whole bottle of prescription pain killers), disrespectul, not trained at all, constantly under-foot, marginally violent, always surly, rarely happy, eating and begging machine. Below I have compiled a list which is only but a sampling of the things Daisy does regularly that makes her truly the worst dog I have ever owned. I would go into detail, but she is not worth the time. Daisy is the worst dog in part because she: 1. Eats poo -- baby (as in diaper -- see below), chicken, human, cat, dog, etc. 2. Drags poo -- as in she brings it inside, such as the diapers that used to end up shredded to pieces on our bed 3. Eats garbage -- Any trash can and its contents left in her reach will be toppled and destroyed 4. Opens the refrigerator -- I have to have a velcro strap on it to keep her out otherwise she will open the door less than 30 seconds after I leave and eat everything in it 5. Is mean -- Simply put, she has no use for people, unless of course they have food 6. Will not die -- run over by a truck, $2,500 and 8 weeks of intensive recovery, run over by a buick and rolled 7 times right in front of me then got up and ran to my car and hopped in the seat happy as a clam and no injuries 7. Rolls in dead animals -- Seals are her favorite it seems, but dead rotten earthworms are a close second place for her 8. Constantly, constantly, constantly begs -- I cannot write the word constantly enough to adequately make the point 9. Growls, threatens to attack and at times does -- Mainly tied to her small size and constant fear of being squashed, thankfully her teeth are dull as posts and her bite, which is rare, is harmless 10. Not at all obedient -- Will not sit, stay, or come (unless food is involved, but that is hopefully clear by now) 11. Picks fights she cannot finish -- This then puts our other dog at risk cause he goes out to protect her when she has conered a cat, skunk (yes twice) or whatever else she comes across 12. Has serious gastrointestinal issues -- Primarily related to her constant begging and eating of garbage, scraps and poo 13. Injures self often -- In addition to the major issues mentioned above requiring surgery and extended medical care ($6-9K so far) she also has a bad leg which is just an ongoing thing that does not need to be addressed the vet says I thought it fitting to stop at 13 given how unlucky I have been to have this dog in my life. These are just a few of the key flaws I could come up with off the top of my head. There are many more which I could list, but I am hungry and I need to cook my steak now. It is a steak that she will have no part of, I promise you this. So there it is. The truth about Daisy. I hate her guts. She has put me through hell in the past couple days especially and I am now at the point to where if I cannot find her a good home by Monday, I am taking her sorry fat ass to the pound and leaving her with a sizeable donation to cover the pain and suffering that they will have to endure by accepting her. While I do very much hate this dog, I do love animals and don't want her to suffer. My daughter who is only 2 also loves her very much and I could not look her in the eye if I did not do a good job of finding this rotten wretch a home that I knew was going to at least care for her and make her comfortable. This is why the pound is my last option. You however, can be Daisy's hero. Save her from the life which I know I am in many ways at fault for creating. I know it is a life where she is not happy and my family and I certainly are not happier becuase of her. I know I should not have adopted her from that nice animal rescue in Filmore all those years ago. I should have put her in obedience school; should have, could have, would have, oh the regrets! boo hoo. Be that hero, in the words of Michael Jackson: Make that change. I dare you. If you can't take her, help me find some poor sap that will. Email me and I will get back to you. Pics are below. She is about 13 pounds and 9 years old. Walks okay on a leash -- at least she's got that going for her. <ul> <li> Location: Santa Barbara <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-02T20:37:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1251398207.html The Truth about Daisy - ItalGreyhound/Chihuahua Mix 4 a Good Home text Satanic Sexual Ritual http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1228602341.html Looking for a woman with evil appetites. We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan) Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens. Must be into anal. For that is Satan's Alley. Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer's Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat) Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock) Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes. Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul) Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the "Power of Beezlebub" coursing thru my lower intestines. The perfect encounter will be this: Meeting you at one of our local eatery's. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!) Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my "Sacrifice Altar" (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it's hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings) Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord's Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty. You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself! After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms. If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing "love" together. We will combine our desires and perform rituals so evil, it will awaken the Evil Ancient One from His Firey Nap! He will spill forth from the Bowels of Hell like so much premature Satanic Ejaculate!! Hails to the Evil One!! <ul> <li> Location: Santa Barbara <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-06-18T17:13:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1228602341.html Satanic Sexual Ritual text rentals or why I have head explody http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1185952531.html I have been looking for a new place and I have noticed a few things about the rentals listed under "apt/housing" which are making me all sad due to the amount of time I waste searching the ads, emailing people, phoning them or looking at the places for rent. 1. Please do not be all snarky with me when I ask about pets. If your ad doesn't say "no pets," please don't assume I know that you don't allow pets. If you don't allow pets, please put it in your ad. It will save all of us a great deal of time. If you do allow pets, it is illegal to require a "non-refundable" deposit of any kind. 2. There is no such thing as a "1 bedroom studio" - it is either a 1 bedroom OR a studio. A 1 bedroom has a bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom. If the place has only 1 room for sleeping, living and eating, it is a studio and not a 1 bedroom. 3. A dorm-size fridge and 2 burner hotplate or small microwave is not a kitchen or kitchenette. It is limited cooking and your ad needs to state this. 4. If the place is listed as a 1 bedroom and the text of the ad indicates it is a room in a multi-bedroom place, i.e., Isla Vista group housing, it is not a 1 bedroom apartment. It is shared housing. The ad needs to go in the "rooms/shared" section. This also includes places with a "shared bathroom down the hall" or a master bedroom in someone's house - even if it has a separate entrance. If the renter has to share a bathroom and/or kitchen - it is shared housing. 5. Subleases or a limited rental lease period go in the "sublet/temporary" section. If a sublease, please be prepared to provide a copy of your lease and complete contact information about your landlord at the time you show the place. Unless I can contact your landlord, I have no way of knowing you are authorized to sublet the space. A surprised landlord is not a happy landlord. And, if you sublet a place to someone without your landlord's knowledge and consent, the new tenant has no legal right to be there. 6. Vacation rentals have their own place in "vacation rentals." I mean, honesty, you advertise a place for $1,200 and it turns out to be the price for 1 week - this is annoying. 7. A converted garage or storage shed is not a "studio" a "detached studio" or a "garden cottage" - no matter how "cute" "cozy" or "charming" it is. It is a converted garage or shed. Also, the lack of indoor plumbing is not a plus. Please be honest that it is a conversion, and listing the square footage of the space would be a help. Photos from fancy camera work or photoshopping to make the place look bigger than it is wastes everyone's time. 8. When people think of "sunny," they usually are thinking of more than 1 window. Unless it is a south-facing, full wall window, it isn't going to be "sunny." Also, a palm tree or a bush or a fence is not a "view" - they are a palm tree or a bush or a fence. If I have to lean out a window to see a very small hint of what might be, maybe, the ocean, it is not an "ocean view" place. 9. California law requires that every housing unit have a working telephone outlet. I am not being difficult when I ask about it. 10. Please indicate if the rent does or doesn't includes utilities. And, listing those "does" or "doesn't " utilities would be a help. If it is shared utility costs, please be prepared to show all recent utility bills. Again, I am not being difficult when I ask. I need this information so I will know if I can afford the place. 11. Finally, for the love of whatever, please clean the place before you show it to people. Nothing says responsible landlord like a uncleaned place, a bathroom that has mystery crud in the toilet, sink or tub, peeling paint, broken window latches or light fixtures, or a fridge with mold growing inside it. And, what is that stain on the rug and why does the place smell like a slaughterhouse? The place would rent faster if you clean the place, clean or replace the carpet, repair things, and make the space "move-in ready" before you show it. <ul> <li> Location: *headdesk* <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-23T18:30:56-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1185952531.html rentals or why I have head explody text you said you would send cock pics - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1003782784.html We met at the furry convention. You said you would dress your little soldier up in a piggy costume and send it to me, along with the pics. I said I would put it on my toy, and take pics of my vagina eating the little piggy. You never sent it. I waited. What happened? I even shaved mine to look like a tiger. Grrrr! <img src="1003782784.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Santa Barbara <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-22T17:07:25-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1003782784.html you said you would send cock pics - w4m text wanted pre 1965 paper money for time travel http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/469985878.html i have come into the possession of my great grandfathers life work, among being a decorated aeronautical engineer it would appear he dabbled in the lesser accepted sciences. i have almost finished building his masterpiece a 1952 nash rambler time machine. unfortunately my grandfather didn't live long enough to find an energy source with high enough density to fuel his machine, but i believe i have the problem solved. serious offers only, i would like to exchange paper money for paper money printed before 1965 (for OBVIOUS reasons!). i will pay 5% of the total currency exchanged, unfortunately i cannot offer transfers of coinage as i am already pushing the weight limit as it is! please no solicitations on changing the future as any changing would only happen in an alternate future reality and be a waste of yours and my time. back to the workshop!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: los olivos <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-05T15:36:14-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/469985878.html wanted pre 1965 paper money for time travel text Dear Santa Barbara Employees: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/434813568.html I am writing this to you on behalf of myself and all the other employers in Santa Barbara. I just want to clarify some things. First of all, when you are late to work, please desist from acting offended when I write you up, fire you, or otherwise punish you. The schedule we run is not posted as a "good suggestion" but an actual timetable (and legal document) that you are required to work. I would normally have no problem with you not making it in on time, but our customers and clients always seem to arrive on time. Also, I would like you to explain to me, why its impossible for you to show up on time for work, but you all sit around my office waiting twenty minutes early on pay day. Where are your "sick children" "family emergencies" "car problems" and "bad traffic on the 101" on pay day? I find this highly irregular seeing as I'm not as dumb as you think I am. Second, please stop feeling that I owe you favors. Especially since you are always late. I pay you money. The favor ends there. Should I, out of the kindness of my heart, feel it necessary to give you some other compensation for your work, I will decide. Other than that, I gave you a job and let you keep it this long, and so my favors due to you are paid in full. Third. As much as you would like to believe it, I am not honored by your presence. The mentality of "well I'm here aren't I?" has got to end. Honestly if you aren't going to do the work I pay you to do, you being here is more annoying than anything. However, when I suspend you or fire you, please refrain from acting surprised and hurt. Honestly, I could hire a state street hobo to stand around my place of work if I wanted to pay someone for doing nothing. Fourth, after arriving to work tardy (or even on time) I find it silly that you complain about being hungry and need a break. Common sense seems to tells me that you should have taken care of this before work. This also applies to personal hygiene. You should have thought about that before arriving to work. Fifth, stop with your delusion that someday you are going to be my boss when you are mad at me. Also, while I believe your college is important I highly doubt that you will be in a superior position to me one day. I am the boss, afterall. Your antics will not make you promotable, and I already make more money than you and due to the economy being the way it is, I will probably continue to make more money than you. Should you get to the point you make more money than me, it will be in an industry I'm not involved in, and I won't care about you anymore. But here, I am still the boss. I hope one day you are the boss and have employees just like you, so you can see the wisdom of my way of doing things. Sixth, leave your cellphone alone. If you are truly that popular, they will leave voicemail and wait in anticipation for their phone to ring. However I really doubt that you are that popular. This also applies to you that screw around on your computers at work reading craigslist or myspace. The internet will be at home waiting for you. Seventh, Since I am a man, the ladies that I hire need to stop acting cute and flirty when you are in trouble. I don't really care, since sleeping with you would probably mean the end of my job. If I actually wanted to have sex with you, I would fire you and then sleep with you. But we both know that neither of us is going to do the dirty deed under any circumstance, so drop it. Also, men and women should know that acting overly friendly or accomodating only when you need something or you are in trouble doesn't work to well. I'm on to you. Honestly if I was that hard up for friends, I probably wouldn't be the boss. Eighth. When you get in trouble, written up, or fired, don't threaten me. As an employer, I already came to peace with the fact that when I die at the hands of a violent murderer, my last words will probably be "Hey, didn't you used to work for me?" So your threats will only land you in deeper trouble. Ninth. Don't get mad when I promote the hard working person that shows up to work on time, doesn't get in trouble, and does his or her job. If I wanted a head slacker, I would promote you. Seniority has nothing to do with it. So quit your sniveling. Also, when you don't get promoted, its probably not the best time slack even worse to punish me. That would seem to put you in my crosshairs, don't you think? Tenth, just because somebody else doesn't always do their work, doesn't give you an excuse not to do yours. So quit throwing that in my face. I hired you to do your job. Not supervise everyone else. I will deal with the appropriately the offending employee. However, whatever your reasons for not doing your job, I will also deal with you appropriately. Finally, I know that in this town, your parents were probably rich or hippies, so your work ethic wasn't bored into you at home. However, I think you should be smart enough to realize as you go from each dissatisfying job to the next and the expectations are always the same, that the only consistent feature in each of your dissatisfying jobs is you. It won't break my heart to send you off to the next dissatisfying job. Yes, its irritating to find and train someone else to do your job, but just because you are important doesn't mean you aren't replaceable. My suggestion is to do everything the right way, at the right time, with the right attitude, and this will all be much easier to both you and me. I know that there are some bosses out there that are easier, or not as ethical as I am, but you don't have the pleasure for working for them. So your screwed unless you decide to quit. This is after all work, and not "happy la la screw around time" I look forward to a happy and mutually beneficial work experience with you. Sincerely, The boss   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Santa Barbara <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-09-28T14:03:04-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/434813568.html Dear Santa Barbara Employees: text FROM YOUR BArtender http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/316771757.html Someone once pointed out to me the fact that there seems to be a micro-economy in the service industry. Restaurant workers take their tip money out to bars and clubs at night and give it to the bartenders, who promptly return it to the waiters and waitresses the next day at lunch. The cycle is almost self-sufficient and is mutually beneficial. Knowing the pain of waiting on customers, each group tips the other well and never raises a fuss. These people do not need to be educated. The rest of you do. Many of us have stood in a noisy, crowded bar and asked, "What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?" Well, you're about to find out. Here are some Do's and Don'ts that will keep the relationship between the bartender and bar patron running smoothly. DON'TS Fail to have your money ready We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule #1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule #1 get you served quicker in a bar, it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios. Whistle This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs and pretty ladies, not people. Wave money Oh, you've got a dollar!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "curz lite." Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule. Yell out the bartender's first name There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartender's do too. Mine is Pixie. Say "make it strong!" or "put a lot of liquor in it" Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink. Give the ever-expanding drink order You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule #1. Pull the redirect (or the bait 'n' switch) Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, okay? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes. Try the confused, lost look This is usually accompanied by the question "What kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule #1. Order High Maintenance shooters Example: "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance. Assume we know you're in the band We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! It's not like we don't know how it is. Oh, and our bands will smoke your band. Assume we know you period Unless you've followed the first "Do" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want. Apologize for sucking Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "I'll get ya next time." We know all about you. Assume soft drinks are free Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth. Put pennies and nickels in the tip jar We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17? Be "The Microbrew Aficionado" Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter but can't bring himself to drink "schwag," and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. "Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?" "Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle. Go. Be "The Daddy Warbucks" Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you. Be a "Whiney Baby" Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue; we've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," forget it; you don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law, plain and simple. If we don't have the law, the terrorists win. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule #1, from a minute ago? DO'S Tip Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one. Be patient All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar. Be an attractive female As in life, this goes far. If this comes across as a little petty, remember: bartenders are a jaded lot.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-22T15:52:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/316771757.html FROM YOUR BArtender text Bohemian gentle-man with tent offers tent show nightly http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/276259564.html My name is duane and I am a nice guy who happens to be broke at the time. The good news is that I am non-violent, a nice guy, endowed, std free, and if it doesn't work out, I plan on moving to Chicago in the spring. If you want to join me for theatre and symphonic events (I have press priveleges to most happenings here) excursions out to nature, wineries, the islands, intimate conversations with a good listener, etc. give me a call, email, or postcard to my p o box. "Life is either a daring adventure...or nothing. -Helen Keller. "If you're not enjoying your life, then you're missing the point" -some customer at Nordstrom's I had last fall. Ja, Duane PS: Can I sleep in your backyard either romantically or platonically? We could pretend we're boy-girl scouts and you think you've got some nasty bug on your body and you need me to kiss, lick, caress, massage it off. Or, for lack of a doctor, I could examine your body, as I have a first aid merit badge. <img src=276259564.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Santa Barbara <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-09T17:30:38-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/276259564.html Bohemian gentle-man with tent offers tent show nightly text