Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-08-26T21:49:26-07:00 2 daily Gov. Schwarzenegger's Great California Garage Sale (8/28 &amp; 8/29) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1344528386.html Governor Schwarzenegger is reducing the state’s fleet and clearing out our surplus property in the Great California Garage Sale! Bring the whole family to the Department of General Services’ surplus warehouse in North Sacramento (Natomas) for great deals, food and entertainment at what the local media has dubbed the “mother of all garage sales!” When: Friday, August 28 (8 a.m. to 6 p.m.) and Saturday, August 29, 2009 (7 a.m. to 12 p.m.) CAR PREVIEW: Thursday, August 27 (8 a.m. to 4 p.m.) Location: 1700 National Drive, Sacramento, CA Items include: cars, California Highway Patrol seized property, computers, phones, cameras, jewelry, laptops, electronics, furniture, office supplies and unique items like a surfboard, bicycles, Kings memorabilia, pianos and much, MUCH more! For more information, including a list of items and photos visit our Great California Garage Sale Web site at: <a href="http://www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale.">http://www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale.</a> We also have some presale items listed this week on Craigslist at the following links: ThinkPad: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332094534.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332094534.html</a> Computer: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/gms/1331999459.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/gms/1331999459.html</a> Dell Laptop: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332121694.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332121694.html</a> HP laptop: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332129535.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332129535.html</a> Sprint Trio: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/mob/1332091490.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/mob/1332091490.html</a> 10 Wood Desks: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332140350.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332140350.html</a> 7 coat racks: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332164429.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332164429.html</a> 10 office chairs: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332173341.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332173341.html</a> 8 Stackable Chairs: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332151669.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332151669.html</a> Look for us on eBay too! Profile Great-CA-Garage-Sale NO RETURNS, EXCHANGES, or GUARANTEES – NO EXCEPTIONS!!!! More information: www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale <ul> <li> Location: 1700 National DriveSacramento <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T21:49:26-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1344528386.html Gov. Schwarzenegger's Great California Garage Sale (8/28 &amp; 8/29) text Conserve Water Urinate Into A 5 Gallon Bucket and Dump Into A Drain http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1019953787.html Men and women if convenient, to conserve water , we should all be urinating into a 5 gallon bucket. Dump it into a drain. Like a shower drain, tub drain or similar. You can dump it into the toilet also and the water pressure will force it down WITHOUT having to flush. Your choice but we need to conserve water in this critical time. To make the 5 gallon bucket more confortable for sitting. Cut a piece of pipe insulation to the length of the circular opening. Split the insulation down the center and slip over the edge of the bucket. Thanks for conserving Water. <ul> <li> Location: All Areas <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-03T19:06:50-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1019953787.html Conserve Water Urinate Into A 5 Gallon Bucket and Dump Into A Drain text Maxwell's silver hammer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/748385561.html Hello all! Straight from Beatles lore, I am in possession of Maxwell's silver hammer. This may or may not be THE Maxwell's hammer, but my nephew (used to be neice, but we won't get into that here) Maxwell has decided he no longer wants to place his "delicate fingers in harm's way" and is now, along with being absolutely worthless, giving up his hammer. The hammer is a 16 oz. framing hammer, great shape, used only by soft and moisturized hands (God knows). Come get it. <ul> <li> Location: Sacramento <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T10:23:06-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/748385561.html Maxwell's silver hammer text I SAID EVERYTHING ON THE TARP, NOT THE TARP ITSELF! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/396375017.html Hey! Could you please bring my tarp back? That's a brand new tarp and my best one. Just put it back on the lawn, please. You don't even have to say anything. I understand your misunderstanding. Thanks! -Kevin <img src=396375017.1.jpg> <img src=396375017.2.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: 8015 Zenith Drive 95621 <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-13T17:45:21-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/396375017.html I SAID EVERYTHING ON THE TARP, NOT THE TARP ITSELF! text To the potheads who took 1 of the 4 free patio chairs I posted on CL http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/367120651.html You two girls were amped up about the 4 free patio chairs that I posted on CL. You came over, wafting the aroma of the sticky-icky as you walked by, and sat in the chairs and decided that they were the chairs for you. My husband and I proceeded to pick them up to carry them out front when we were informed that you were driving a Honda Civic. Insisting that you could fit one chair in and then come back for the rest, you squeezed about 4 inches of the chair into the car as the passenger held on tight to the 90% of the chair that was dangling on the outside. Many months have since passed and we have yet to see you stoners again. In my mind, there are 4 likely reasons as to why we have not seen you girls again: 1) You simply forgot where you got the chair and why you even wanted it in the first place and have been mesmerized by an Abbazabba wrapper ever since. 2) You forgot that they were free and are currently piled (along with 3 or 4 friends) on the single chair, passing the dutch and laughing about how you got away with a free chair. 3) On your way home, you forgot where you lived and are still driving around with that damn chair dangling out the window. In which case, am willing to wait a little longer for you to find your way home because I'm certain that once you do, you'll come back for the rest. 4) You smoked the chair. Either way, it is quite annoying having 3 chairs and I have found that it is much harder giving away a set of 3 than a set of 4. Admittedly, it will be hard to re-post these chairs because every time I see them I think of the two of you and wonder just what exactly became of that lone chair. I hope that whatever you did with it, it was well enjoyed. Godspeed, you crazy potheads.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-05T11:36:46-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/367120651.html To the potheads who took 1 of the 4 free patio chairs I posted on CL text Seven Simple Items that Might Change the World http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/249451620.html Dear Craigslisters (this means you, buyers, sellers, and total pervs), Let me begin by saying how much I love craigslist. My name is Angela, and I’m a craigslist addict. I love its simplicity, its durability, its ubiquity, its grass-roots charm. Using craigslist, I was able to furnish my entire 1-bedroom apartment with truly decent furniture for a total of less than $200. In a society that is becoming increasingly a-literate (being able to read but unwilling to do so), craigslist has pretty much revolutionized the process of selling and buying used goods, apartment hunting, job searching, even matchmaking. After checking work and personal email, it’s the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at at night. I. Love. Craigslist. That being said, the following is a rant that has been bubbling in my brain for a while now. Buckle in and shut up. Item #1: People are stupid. And they’re usually mean. As the writers of Scrubs so eloquently put it, people are bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. You wonder why they’re selling a beautiful brand new sofa for a fraction of the price they paid six months ago? See Item #1. You wonder why they’re flagging your completely harmless ad or can’t seem to distinguish between to, two, and too? See Item #1. You wonder why they spend hours composing rants that maybe three people are going to read and even fewer are going to appreciate? See Item #1. You wonder why they bought that adorable puppy in the first place when they were gonna move to a no-pets apartment in two months? See Item #1. You might remember the sentiment in Item #1 from Every Bumper Sticker Ever Written. But…the upside is that craigslist was developed specifically for stupid people, those who are just too lazy or too dumb to do anything but take the easiest way out of life’s irritations. Be aware that you’ll run into people just like you, who aren’t intelligent or efficient enough to post a friggin newspaper ad or hang signs from streetlights. Would YOU buy from anything from you? I thought not. If you’re gonna use an extremely user-friendly site, start by acknowledging your own user-friendliness and that of others. Much annoyance can be avoided when stupidity is embraced rather than hated and feared. Item #2: Speaking of stupidity, let’s talk about the USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS. ANYONE WHO HASN’T BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK SINCE THE DAWN OF THE INTERNET KNOWS THAT PRINTING IN ALL CAPITALS IS THE CYBERSPACE EQUIVALENT OF YELLING. Anyone who’s lived knows that being yelled at is exceedingly unpleasant and off-putting. If you really wanna sell that antique table, try not yelling at me. Yes, it’s beautiful. Your kindly-added picture probably shows off its nice details very well (see Item #3). You’re not gonna sell me on it any faster by making me feel like your enthusiastic spit droplets are moistening my face. We're not deaf, we're stupid. As the craigslist posting rules suggest, keep capitals to a minimum. Or, heck, go without them. Really, try it. It feels kinda good. Item #3: Pictures. Pictures sell the item better than any words you ever say ever will. Unless, of course, you fall under Item #1. Take nice pictures. If they don’t come out nice, take them again. Don’t post them anyway and then apologize for them. This won’t help you. Make sure they appear right side up. When they load sideways, I always feel like I must look like Forrest Gump and Gump Junior when they’re watching TV together. My head starts to tilt, the drooling begins, it’s not pretty. Make them clear, make them right side up. If they come out unclear or upside down, spend the few seconds to retake and reload them. Yes, yes, sometimes the site itself has problems. So delay your posting until the problem is resolved. A bad picture is worse than no picture at all. If you have no digital camera (I’m one of those Neanderthals, myself), say so. Then describe the HELL outta your items. Height, width, depth, color, style, everything that can be said about it, say. Better yet, go to google images, find the closest approximation, and load it. It’s there, believe me. I’m also a google addict. Item #4: Detailed descriptions are good. Life stories are not. Unless you’re posting a rant. In that case, knock yourself out. Please. (badum-chee!) I don’t need to know what your roommate/spouse/friend/daughter did that forced you to sell this item. I do need to know whether it will fit in my 1-bedroom apartment. If I’m interested enough to contact you, maybe I’ll be interested in your life story too. (Especially if politely listening and attempting to understand will get me a cheaper price!) But save it for second contact, or, better yet, decide it’s possible to sell something without baring your soul to a complete stranger. Item #5: Be available. Don’t post an ad right before your two-week long trip to Borneo. Don’t respond to my ad with the caveat that you’ll be away for the weekend and won’t actually have time to come look until Tuesday. If you’re gonna post or respond, have enough time. Item #5: Complaints about the seller, the buyer, their behavior, the price, being unjustly flagged? Please see Item #1. Don’t write a 4-page rant. Unless you’re me. Item #6: Spelling and punctuation. Yes, frankly, I AM the grammar police. It’s wrought iron, not rod iron. It’s shabby "chic", not "sheik" or "sheek". "It’s" means "it is"; "its" is the possessive you’re looking for. "Your" is possessive; "you’re" means you are. "Unique" means "one-of-a-kind", so nothing can be “very” unique, anymore than a woman can be “very” pregnant. She either is or she isn’t. Chances are good that your curio cabinet is not unique, but instead is rare or unusual. Either correct definition will sell it just as quickly. But I’m not going to be eager to spend my time and money on your “unique armour (it’s armoire, btw), with rod-iron trim”, since you don’t appear intelligent enough to handle a toaster, much less an antique (not anteek). and btw sentences with no punctuation or correctly used capitals are very hard to read like trying to keep water from draining between your fingersespeciallyif youveleft onlyanoccasional space between words like your stillin middleschool orsomething i mean comeon. I’m much more likely to deal with someone who falls a little further away from smack-dab in the middle of Item #1, since, if they can write somewhat legibly, chances are they can also read a clock and maybe even a map. Item #7. This is craigslist, online classifieds much simpler than ebay. People come here for the easy and cheap (you’d think they’d make prostitutes available—har!). I’m sure your antique king-size Columbian-wood Argentinian-made Europe-imported bedroom set is gorgeous and worth every penny of the $14,500.00 you’re asking. That picture does indeed show entirely beautiful wood grain, and just LOOK at that engraving. Wow. Craigslist is not the place to sell it. Thank you for letting us see what’s out there that we’d absolutely love to have but cannot afford without selling off a few organs or first-borns. Really, we appreciate it. Now go sell it on ebay or push it to celebrities or consignment stores. They can give you what you want and even deserve for it. We’re here for the cheap and easy. $14,500.00 is a bit too much for 99% of craigslisters (and you wouldn’t wanna deal with the other 1% anyway, believe me). This goes for professional dealers too. We look here for the cheap. Don’t push your brand new and therefore more expensive crap on us. The next time I see a craigslist ad that is really just a link to your store, I’m taking hostages. And I'll never shop there, ever. You just lost a customer, buddy. So there. People are stupid. Craigslist is their warm, embracing mother ship. Please enable my addiction by observing my Seven Simple Items. I’m not bossy, really--I just have better ideas. And lots of gently-used, smoke- and pet- and child-free furniture. Peace out.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: at my cubicle <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-12-15T11:12:01-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/249451620.html Seven Simple Items that Might Change the World text What really happens when you take your dog or cat to a shelter…Graphic http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/179052393.html I am posting this (and it is long) because I think our society needs a huge “Wake-up” call. As a shelter manager, I am going to share a little insight with you all...a view from the inside if you will. First off, this is a forum to for adoption and/or rehoming as clearly stated in the rules. All of you breeders/sellers on craigslist should not only be flagged (and I hope the good people on craigslist will continue to do so with blind fury), but you should be made to work in the “back” of an animal shelter for just one day. Maybe if you saw the life drain from a few sad, lost, confused eyes, you would change your mind about breeding and selling to people you don’t even know…that puppy you just sold will most likely end up in my shelter when it’s not a cute little puppy anymore. So how would you feel if you knew that there’s about a 90% chance that dog will never walk out of the shelter it is going to be dumped at? Purebred or not! About 50% of all of the dogs that are “owner surrenders” or “strays”, that come into my shelter are purebred dogs. The most common excuses I hear are; “We are moving and we can’t take our dog (or cat).” Really? Where are you moving too that doesn’t allow pets? Or they say “The dog got bigger than we thought it would”. How big did you think a German Shepherd would get? “We don’t have time for her…”. Really? I work a 10-12 hour day and still have time for my 6 dogs! “She’s tearing up our yard…”. How about making her a part of your family? They always tell me “We just don’t want to have to stress about finding a place for her…we know she’ll get adopted, she’s a good dog”. Odds are your pet won’t get adopted & how stressful do you think being in a shelter is? Well, let me tell you…your pet has 72 hours to find a new family from the moment you drop it off…sometimes a little longer if the shelter isn’t full and your dog manages to stay completely healthy…if it sniffles, it dies. Your pet will be confined to a small run/kennel in a room with about 25 other barking or crying animals. It will have to relieve itself where it eats and sleeps. It will be depressed and it will cry constantly for the family that abandoned it. If your pet is lucky, I will have enough volunteers in that day to take him/her for a walk. If I don’t, your pet won’t get any attention besides having a bowl of food slid under the kennel door and the waste sprayed out of its pen with a high-powered hose. If your dog is big, black or any of the “Bully” breeds (pit bull, rottie, mastiff, etc…) it was pretty much dead when you walked it through the front door. Those dogs just don’t get adopted. If your dog doesn’t get adopted within its 72 hours and the shelter is full, it will be destroyed. If the shelter isn’t full and your dog is good enough, and of a desirable enough breed…it may get a stay of execution…not for long though. Most get very kennel protective after about a week and are destroyed for showing aggression…even the sweetest dogs will turn in this environment. If your pet makes it over all of those hurdles…chances are it will get kennel cough or an upper respiratory infection and will be destroyed because shelters just don’t have the funds to pay for even a $100 treatment. Here’s a little euthanasia 101 for those of you that have never witnessed a perfectly healthy, scared animal being “put-down”. First, your pet will be taken from its kennel on a leash…they always look like they think they are going for a walk…happy, wagging their tails. Until they get to “The Room”, every one of them freaks out and puts on the breaks when we get to the door…it must smell like death or they can feel the sad souls that are left in there, it’s strange, but it happens with every one of them. Your dog or cat will be restrained, held down by 1 or 2 vet techs depending on the size and how freaked out they are. Then a euthanasia tech or a vet will start the process…they will find a vein in the front leg and inject a lethal dose of the “pink stuff”. Hopefully your pet doesn’t panic from being restrained and jerk…I’ve seen the needles tear out of a leg and been covered with the resulting blood and deafened by the yelps and screams. They all don’t just “go to sleep”, sometimes spasm for a while, gasp for air and defecate on themselves. When it all ends, your pets corpse will be stacked like firewood in a large freezer in the back with all of the other animals that were killed…waiting to be picked up like garbage. What happens next? Cremated? Taken to the dump? Rendered into pet food? You’ll never know and it probably won’t even cross your mind…it was just an animal and you can always buy another one right? I hope that those of you that have read this are bawling your eyes out and can’t get the pictures out of your head…I do everyday on the way home from work. I hate my job, I hate that it exists & I hate that it will always be there unless you people make some changes and realize that the lives you are affecting go much farther than the pets you dump at a shelter. Between 9 and 11 MILLION animals die every year in shelters and only you can stop it. I do my best to save every life I can but rescues are always full, and there are more animals coming in everyday than there are homes. My point to all of this…DON’T BREED OR BUY WHILE SHELTER PETS DIE! Hate me or flag me if you want to…the truth hurts and reality is what it is…I just hope I maybe changed one persons mind about breeding their dog, taking their loving pet to a shelter, or buying a dog. I hope that someone will walk into my shelter and say “I saw this thing on craigslist and it made me want adopt”…that would make it all worth it.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Everywhere... <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-06T12:15:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/179052393.html What really happens when you take your dog or cat to a shelter…Graphic text Hummer Woman who almost ran me over at Capital and 28th - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/169095771.html You know, I live in Midtown, and always have, which means I like to ride my bike alot by definition. Its a true live/work little community we have down here, unfortunately its been recently discovered by the likes of you. And has become a haven for Sushi restaruants and Hair Salons, its cool at least you havent decided to move here yet, visitings always welcomed though I dont mind that your a well heeled good looking young woman, or that you drive some humongously wasteful Humvee, hell I drove one in the Army, they can be fun. I respect your decision as an American to pollute the Air, cause global warming, and theres guys dying for that right even as I type that. I'm not some radical downtowner, you know I'm home sick today, from my really good professional job that I love. Believe it or not guys with MBA's do occassionally ride nice, if somewhat dated, mountainbikes. I'm sure one of your many ex-husbands can confirm this. Thats what all these little "bike lanes" in midtown are for, seriously I know you might have thought they were just there to inconvieniance you, because the roads in Rocklin are so much more accomidating. But they do actually serve a purpose. What I do mind is when you use the bike lane as a passing lane, to blow through a red light. Please try peeling that cell phone off your FUCKING EAR for like 1 second and realize thats a 6 ton vehicle your driving badly where pedestrians and cyclists frequently cross the road. I briefly saw you as your Hummer came barreling toward me, causing me to actually run into a parked car to avoid being flattened. You seemed rather busy, looking at your hands, and in the mirror, perhaps you were admiring the new hair and nail job you'd just gotten. And to your bright little mind Im sure it was important. It might have been the only thought you'd had all day, I bet that makes you feel special I think spending time with my 4 year old daughter is kind of important also, Id like to spend more time with her in the future. Thank you for reminding me that near death experiances can prevent this from happening, I'll make sure to remember this next weekend when I see her Oh and dont worry, I got the message when as you ran that red light, you honked at me and gave me the finger. I'll try to stay out of your way next time.....   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Midtown <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-06-07T13:49:38-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/169095771.html Hummer Woman who almost ran me over at Capital and 28th - m4w text Hello Sacramento -- Why I Came Back To You http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/159042029.html Yes, I admit, I've been unfaithful to you, Sacramento. I've left you twice now, but I'm back. And I'm back for good, my love. I hope you can see that our time apart has made me wiser and that I now appreciate you for exactly what you are and what you have to offer. Sure, the glittering lights, warm beaches, and palm trees of Miami called. But, you know what, Miami is a fickle, corrupt, dirty, violent, pathetic city full of aging Don Johnson wanna-bes and J-Lo-esque fakes. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I thought about coming back to you then, but I got a job overseas. In a violent, even-dirtier, developing country (albeit still with the palm trees). Okay, I said, I'll go to DC, where there's a lot of jobs. And, you know what, I *liked* DC. I made some friends, I liked the humidity. I realized, though, what I liked about DC was that it reminded me of *you*--just bigger and older. I didn't admit this to my friends or even myself, because I found the whole thing a little embarrassing. So, I moved to San Francisco. Now there's a great city. It's beautiful. It's got the bay, it's got great architecture, it's got style. It's got mountains and oceans, and interesting politics. Also, it's bloody expensive, high maintenance, and there's no goddamn place to park. It's pretentious, too, probably for a good reason, but still, nobody really likes a snob. Plus, the men. Don't get me started. But let's just say that dating sucked there. You can check it out for yourself. If you see a nice looking, articulate, well-groomed man--he's gay. See that slob over there who hasn't bathed or shaved in a week, communicating in grunts? Yeah, he's straight. (Note to SF men: Consider a shower, a haircut, a little deodorant, a shirt that has only been worn once or twice. Take a page from the hot gay men all around you. Thanks.) I also tried out Santa Cruz--you know, that little buff surfer-vegan town a little south? Yeah, well, first off, I made *two* friends there. Two. In two years. WTF. I know it's not me...I make friends. Nobody wanted to be my friend there. I felt like I had to *hide* to eat a steak. I had the Teva-fleece thing going. I mean, it's not like I stuck out like a gun-toting, Bush-supporting, Hummer driver. I can blend. Not in S-Cruz. I couldn't even take my dog to the freaking off-leash dog park without some nutcase ranting at me about how bad I was for having a dog. When did it become a *political* issue to have a furry mutt at your side? When did the contents of my stomach become *your* business? Did I miss an orientation session or something? So, Sacramento baby, I'm back. And I love you. I love waking up to your sunny blue skies. I love walking around midtown. I love your bar scene. I love your sexy green parks. You even have a park where I can take my dog, without it being some kind of political statement. I love the Capitol building. I love that Arnie lives in a penthouse and nobody really likes him. I love that I can just be myself here, and nobody is going to lecture me on my Nationwide steakburger as I scarf it down in McKinley Park. I love your trees--really, your best feature. Especially the huge magnolias in midtown. Especially the palm tree in my neighbors' yard. Especially all the freaking elms and plane trees. I love the downtown alleys with the crazy homeless people and tattoo shops. I love the live music scene. I love your restaurants--where I can actually dine outdoors without wearing six layers of fleece and a hat. I love your summer nights with the sweet Delta breezes. I love that you are sexy and cool, without being showy or pretentious. I love that *nobody* outside Sacramento gets you. Oh, I've heard it all--"Cow Town", "Suckramento"--and I say pshaw! Let 'em stay away and never discover your true worth. I have. And it's good to be home.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around East Sac <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-09T09:51:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/159042029.html Hello Sacramento -- Why I Came Back To You text Do's and Don'ts for Selling Crap on Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/93875739.html Why do some people just turn into fucking idiots online? Let's be honest, what you're selling you're selling for 2 reasons- 1. What you're selling is crap, and you know it, and want desperately to get rid of it...or 2. You need the money. Both are fine, but they're too many people going about it wrong, so I've put together this nice list of faq's for you to help you in your journey. Q: Why aren't people leaping out the door to buy my upholstered 1980's sofa for 900? A: Cuz most people aren't fucking stupid. 1980's isn't vintage yet (despite what VH1 wants you to believe) and no fool is paying 900 bucks for a sofa with 1 1/2 armrests, a giant hole in the middle, and bright green fabric with ketchup stains on it. Time to move that bad boy on to the free section of CL. Get it out of your house now. It's embarrassing. Hopefully you dont have people over. Shame on you. Q: My postings been up every day for 7 months. Why hasn't it sold? I'm asking a good price and tell people that I can email them a pic upon request? A: People are too fucking lazy. One of CL's best features is browsing. Who the hell wants to take the time to email you to ask for a picture? Have you SEEN some of the stuff up for sale? Plus you look like a douche for not posting the pic in the first place. You can't tell people you have a pic and not put it up. Retard. Q: My furniture is all new, but I have to sell it quick because I'm moving to the other side of the country. Why isn't my stuff selling fast? A: Because you can't post an ugly ass dining room set up for 2000 firm that you "originally spent 4000 on 3 months ago" and expect to get it. Why should I have to pay for your horrible taste in furniture? You bought it. You messed up. You're eating that one. Lower your price to 500 and thank your lucky stars you're getting that. Oh. And when you move into your new place on the other side of the country- HIRE A FUCKING DECORATOR. You shouldn't be allowed to buy your own furniture anymore-unless you plan on keeping it for life. Q: I bought a new desk for my computer so I'm selling my old one. Why is no one buying it? A: Because you're asking for $275 for a VENEER desk! What are you crazy? It's not even real wood! Try 50 and you may get a few bites. Hell I can go to Walmart and buy a brand new veneer desk for 40 bucks. Come on. Q: Oh yeah smart ass? My desk is made out of oak and no one will buy it for 325. Answer me that one. A: Look at your pic of the desk again. IT'S FROM THE 70's! Just because it's real wood doesn't make up for the fact that IT'S FUCKING UGLY. You might get $100 from some poor sap if you're lucky. Q: My bedroom set has been sitting in my garage for 5 months. I'm asking a reasonable price. How come no one will buy it? A: Chances are if it's been sitting in your garage for 5 months it's probably not smelling very nice-especially if it's a mattress. Would you want to put your face down on that now? Mark it down to half of what you're asking and you may get your garage back...for things a garage is supposed to be used for...like parking cars. AND STOP PUTTING FURNITURE IN THE GARAGE! Or outside for that matter. Who the hell wants to buy a couch or mattress that's outside lying on the ground in the pics you post? What is the matter with you people? We're looking to buy furniture yeah, but we're not fucking homeless. Q: I have a beautiful and elegant entertainment center up, but no one has emailed or called me about it. Why? A: Oh for the love of god. If there's one problem that has been troubling poor poor CL for the longest time...ABUSE OF ADJECTIVES. Try looking up the meaning to the words you put in your description. If they don't match your item, DON'T PUT IT IN THE AD! How many times have I fucking seen the words "Elegant" "Unique" "Beautiful" "Gorgeous" "Modern" "Spectacular" and "Custom"posted in ads that just aren't true? I'll tell you. 198,983 times. Here's what these words really mean when you see them on CL "Elegant" = fucking old "Unique" = fucking ugly "Beautiful" = if I was blind "Gorgeous" = seller is on crack "Modern" = probably from the late 1980's to mid 90's "Spectacular" = overeagerness to unload obvious piece of crap "Custom" = so fucking ugly there's only one in the world thank god Generally- just try to price your items more reasonably. You're not getting over 1000 for a couch- unless it's new and made of leather. You're not getting 3 grand for your bedroom set-unless it also fucking makes you pancakes. You're not getting 500 for a cheap ass entertainment center that can be bought new at a store for cheaper. Let it go. Stop being a tight ass. Try using prices that someone may actually pay. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-28T01:52:37-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/93875739.html Do's and Don'ts for Selling Crap on Craigslist text My Top 10 MC List for Sac Men http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/83764759.html 10) To the mechanic I took out to dinner who said his nickname was the “Lube Specialist” - next time tell me about your wife and son before you invite me over. Better yet, before I take you out to dinner at all. It was nice – albeit unexpected – to meet them, I’m sure. I’m not sure your wife shared the sentiment. 9) To the best friend of my last boyfriend who propositioned me during his house-warming party - you were my boyfriend’s best childhood friend. Remind me not to take friendship/loyalty lessons from you. You just moved in with your girlfriend two weeks prior – why? Opening a proposition with, “Hard nipples turn me on,” isn’t going to make me tear off my clothes. Finally, the aforementioned proposition happening directly in front of your girlfriend with almost no reaction from her was not only disgusting on your part, but kind of disturbing behavior on her part. Get me the hell OUT of this Bermuda Triangle for insanity. 8) To the guy I made out with on my friend’s patio when we were both drunk after killing a bottle of Bicardi Silver and Absolut – I don’t want to date you, and I’m sorry in your eyes that makes me a … what was it again? Callous slut? I didn’t know how to tell you then, or even now, that the inside of my lower lip might still have some residual bleeding. That’s why I said no to giving you my phone number – the thought of kissing you again made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Don’t worry though; I’ve since slaughtered the friend that caved to pressure and donated my number to your cause. If only you’d stop calling six times a day. It’s been a month. 7) To the guy I met over shared favorite movie lines while our friends were flirting – I invited you to a BBQ at a friend’s house after a few phone conversations in which you expressed a desire to have more female friends and get to know me better. Why you thought five minutes after walking through the door it was sexy or convincing to proposition me (in front of my friends) with, “I just came to fuck. Yes or no so I can plan my night?” still escapes me. Your irritation when I didn’t accept your offer is even more baffling than a heat-wave in January. 6) To the guy who called me “foolish” because I wouldn’t quit my job and move into your house to join the harem you were building in exchange for having my student loans paid off – this is America guy. I’ll pay off my own loans without whoring myself out in the process. Clue: it’s just MONEY. There’s tons of it floating around for those of us willing to work hard for it. 5) To the guy who dated me for three months before one of your posse finally broke it down about your fiancé/girlfriend of FOUR YEARS – seriously, you’re fucked in the head, and where the hell is your fiancé/girlfriend during all this? We were together A LOT – is she brain dead? 4) To the woman who would be an awesome friend if only she’d respect my boundaries – I’m straight. I don’t need to experiment with you to confirm this. Stop trying to kiss me when you’re intoxicated, and if you touch my ass again, we won’t be hanging out any more, and this doesn’t indicate homophobia. It indicates self-respect and/or standards. Take your pick. 3) To the guy who I went on a few dates with who was so nervous around me he either stuttered and/or made fun of me to alleviate his nervousness – they just weren’t good dates, and they didn’t improve over time. I’m sorry, because you’re a genuinely nice person. I’m even more sorry that you told my friends that you would have preferred I lied and pretended to have a boyfriend. I’m not sure I have that much energy in me to spare you from … what did you tell them? “Going on a three-month bender.” After four dates? And I thought I was a little screwy? 2) To the guy who told me to lose five pounds in the same breath he told me to go get him a beer so he didn’t miss any of the game – you are by far one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, I’m already fifteen pounds underweight for my height, so additional weight loss would not only make me less attractive, it would make me unhealthy. I might have ignored the comment had a couple of mitigating factors not been present: a) you’re so far out of my intellectual league that every moment spent with you was a shallow trip down idiot lane to a destination called “I Just Want To Look At You,” and b) your denial of a serious substance abuse problem was apparent every time we couldn’t have sex. 1) To the guy who didn’t want to be gay – you’re heads above even #2 in attractiveness, and easily put even my intellect to task. I might suggest a few things to better mask your sexual preferences however: a) asking a group of men, “Do I smell Wisteria?” is a clear sign either you spend too much time with your mother, you’re gay, or you’re a hetero-sexual anomaly, b) touchy-feely with your best male friend is fine when sports are part of the equation, but when one man’s face is really close to another man’s face during conversation or you spend too much time with your arms around eachother’s shoulders, it sends an alert message the same way a fire alarm does, c) pretend you don’t know more about hair products than I do, and finally d) don’t tell me you’re gay while we’re naked in my bed AFTER we tried to have sex and you couldn’t get it up. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-07-11T11:33:34-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/83764759.html My Top 10 MC List for Sac Men text Um... About That Enormous Purple Monkey.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/76704680.html If you were the surprise recipient of an enormous purple monkey today, I just wanted to tell you it's my fault and I'm profoundly sorry for putting you through that. I'd had said enormous purple monkey in the garage for a long time, and I thought I had finally found a good use for it. See it's one of those huge, embarrassing stuffed contraptions they hand out as prizes at carnivals, and somehow I had ended up with it, hated it, crammed it into a back corner in the garage, and tried to forget about it. Well, just try to forget about an enormous purple monkey; it's impossible. It haunts your dreams, sings show tunes in the back of your mind, and shakes its purple ass in your face as if it were right there in front of you. I knew I had to get rid of the enormous purple monkey for good. Well lo and behold, I saw an ad requesting toy donations for a children's charity and it was like the perfect answer to my enormous purple monkey problem. I eagerly looked forward to putting the enormous purple monkey into some towheaded, Bambi-eyed, cancer-stricken waif's arms and doing a small bit of good for the world (while accomplishing the much more important task of releasing myself from the clutches of the horrible batting-stuffed nightmare). My delight was boundless... but ultimately short-lived. I glanced at the address where we had been directed to drop off the toys, and, enormous purple monkey in tow, I righteously headed off to make some sick kid's dream come true. I pulled up to 3478 on a pleasant residential street, unloaded the enormous purple monkey, and planted it on the front step of the house. My good deed for the day had been done. I had donated an adorable toy to a good cause and I was certain the owner of the house would come home and be overjoyed to find such a cute sight waiting for them, an enormous purple monkey donated to a cause so close to their heart, ho ho! Well, fate can kiss my ass. Here's where I should have slowed down to think a little bit. As I drove off in a haze of self-congratulation, I glanced across the street to a porch at an address which I now see could only have been 3487, and saw it loaded with toys and games and sports equipment, and led myself on a mental detour. I thought "well goodness gracious me, if those people don't have a ton of toys! Wouldn't it be great if they donated all that to the charity, it's right across the street after all! Ho ho!" If I hadn't been distracted with my overload of hearty do-gooding I might have thought instead "oh look, maybe that's the address at which we're supposed to drop off the toys!" You see where I'm going with this. Indeed when I got home I saw that the address I had scribbled down was 3487, not 3478, and, certain that I had inflicted the enormous purple monkey on 3478, I felt a feeling of immediate guilt. Not for depriving some whimpering, dying child of a fabulous enormous purple monkey toy, but rather for setting up some innocent stranger for the scare of his or her life at his or her own home. Damn. Some poor sap is going to pull into his or her driveway and find an enormous purple monkey looking back at him or her and I can only hope he or she doesn't drop dead of shock. So, if this happens to you tonight, I just wanted to say I'm dreadfully sorry. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-02T18:14:35-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/76704680.html Um... About That Enormous Purple Monkey.... text An open letter to the stealth dog on my street http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/75539870.html Dear Frightening Large German Shepard/Pitt Bull Mix, What is your problem with me?! I can't help it that I can't afford a lawn tractor of my own and have to borrow one from my folks. I also can't help it that I have to drive the damn thing from my parents house, past your house on the way to mine. It's bad enough that, as long as people see and recognize me driving said lawn tractor on the road, I will forever be single. There is something inordinately unsexy about cruisin' around on Mom and Pop's Snapper. So, today, you decide to lie in wait in the open grassland your owner calls a yard. I gotta give it to you. You are one patient predator and it really helps that your hair is the same color as dead weeds. I didn't even hear you coming over the roar of my "Rear Engine Rider". When I saw the tan flash out of the corner of my eye I mashed the "forward" pedal so hard my flip flop came off. I looked back and you were "hocking it in her" (as my brother likes to say). I didn't know what to do! I tried in vain to coax more speed from the red beast. I even tried wiggling the steering wheel really hard in an effort that looked more like a crazed muppet with a drum set. I looked back again and you'd gained considerable ground. My heart was in my throat. Panic had taken over. I could see the look on your face and knew your name was probably not "Cuddly Bear" or "Fluffy". That's when I learned that beer can be used as a "dog bite deterrent". I pulled that beautiful bottle of ice cold Sierra Nevada from the Snapper's "convenient cup holder" and swung it like a paddle in a pro ping pong match. That amber liquid of the gods arced and caught you right square in the kisser. I take it you won't be drinking with me. It's very apparent that you don't like micro brewed beer. Fortunately, your hacking and spitting gave me and the few golden moments I needed to execute a getaway at the speed of smell. So listen here buddy boy! Know this! The next time I come by your house on the lawn tractor from hell, I'll be packing. One Sierra for me....and one for you! Your neighbor, Lawn Mower Girl webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-26T16:17:31-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/75539870.html An open letter to the stealth dog on my street text You Annoying Little Bastard, Why Must You Be So Sexy - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/73092548.html Yeah, you. You're in one of my bio classes. And I've got two things to say to you, my irritating little friend. 1. You are annoying as hell. 2. I want to fuck you silly! That's right. I can't stand your whiny voice, your constant nonstop babbling, or your self-important narcissism. But god damn, you're hot. You are HOT. You piss me off so bad, but I could almost ignore that for a couple hours in the sack with your sexy skinny little ass. You're an athlete, and you make sure we all know it. You tell us about yourself every chance you get. "Blah blah blah blah, me me me me, here's what I did today and here's what I plan to do tomorrow and aren't I clever!" "Oh, hmm, interesting. But enough about you, here's more fascinating info about ME!" "I'm a smartass sexy as fuck young studly college boy with an unbelievably physically fit body that can screw nonstop, and don't I know it! Aren't I beautiful!" Yeah. You're gorgeous and you're clearly aware of that. Very good. Oh sure, take out your food and crunch loudly during lecture. No, no, I know full well you need the energy to feed your racing metabolism, you don't need to describe it in detail. I get really fucking turned on thinking about that racing metabolism of yours, but I don't need to hear your eating in my ear or your list of reasons why you must keep the nutrition coming in to maintain your physical perfection. I'll give you something you can eat, hot shot. Oh yeah go ahead and stretch and yawn loudly and kick my chair with your long gangly legs. I know your muscles are used to contracting and pumping and working long and hard, and they can't take all this time cramped in a classroom chair. Oh believe me, I don't need any convincing. In fact, I'm visualizing your pumping muscles as we speak. Christ you make me wet. No, shut up, just shut up. You talk too much. Sure I'd do you. But only if you wear duct tape over your mouth. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-12T19:08:35-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/73092548.html You Annoying Little Bastard, Why Must You Be So Sexy - w4m text New easy to use template for your "Missed Connections" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/67936239.html Save lots of time hunting down your missed connection with this easy to use template. Just check the appropriate boxes, and you're well on your way to eternal hapiness! I was at [ ] Starbucks [ ] Starbucks [ ] the Starbucks kiosk in the Safeway and you were [ ] working at the Starbucks. [ ] a customer at the Starbucks. You were [ ] ordering a "venti half-caf soy latte" or some other nonsense with a made-up name. [ ] making a "venti half-caf soy latte" or some other nonsense with a made-up name. [ ] enjoying a "venti half-caf soy latte" or some other nonsense with a made-up name. I couldn't help noticing you [ ] made eye contact when I paid for my drink. [ ] nodded politely when I asked for a lid for my drink. [ ] admiring how concisely I used the fake coffee terminology when I ordered my overpriced, made-up name beverage. I was the [ ] guy wearing a trendy commie army hat and an oh-so-predictable, 3 sizes-too-small t-shirt from a thrift store and a shaggy 1976 hairdo. [ ] guy with the "I'm so fucking ironic" 70's fu manchu moustache and mirrored aviator sunglasses and greasy hair. [ ] girl wearing hiphugger jeans that are so small that they make my spare tire look like one from an 18 wheeler, prominently displaying my above-the-butt "tramp stamp" tattoo. You were [ ] the girl pretending to ignore me and acting like you were busy typing furiously into your iBook. [ ] the barrista pretending to be too busy working to notice how hot I am. [ ] the guy making a complete mess at the condiment counter while doctoring up your fancy expensive coffee drink. I think there was a spark and I think you know it too. Wanna get some coffee?? webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-11T10:53:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/67936239.html New easy to use template for your "Missed Connections" text A Year Already. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/63649436.html I can't believe that it has been a year today. It seems like just yesterday you were asking me for help to fill out your college applications and advice with your girlfriend.You missed your senior prom. I never wanted to know what it would be like to be an only child. For 20 years I had a little brother. I think about how much you will miss out on now that you are gone. You will never graduate from college, you will never be able to teach your son how to play baseball the way our father had taught you. My children will not have an uncle. I will not have nieces or nephews. Even after a year, the pain in my chest still remains the same. The knot in my stomach is still just as big. I miss you just as much as the day that you left us. I rarely go home to visit anymore. The pain that I can see in our parents eyes is too much to handle. They are numb to the world. Everytime I walk down the hall I pass your bedroom. Nothing has moved. Your pictures are still up. Your guitars are in the same place. I dont even know if anyone has been in there. When they took you off of the support our father laid next to you while you left us. He thought that it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. He said that he was with you when you came into this world, and he would be with you when you went out. He has not been the same since. You are missed more that you could possibly understand. Sometimes I smell your cologne when I am out and I can't help but look for you. Stupid, I know. I want you to know that when people ask me if I have any siblings, I want so badly to say that I did. I want to tell them all about my little brother who was spectacular, but it is so much easier to say that I am an only child. I miss you. I miss you so much. There is not a day that passes that I wish that I could give up my life to save yours. I love you. Can't wait to see you again. this is in or around anywhere but here webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-13T20:41:01-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/63649436.html A Year Already. text edible meltable buildable Packing Peanuts! FREE! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/61205887.html One full box of cornstarch packing peanuts free for the taking: They STICK when you LICK them! Feed 'em to your cat (harmless and full of bland goodness)! Build a monochromatic DNA helix (or RNA strand)! Fill your sink, turn on the tap and watch them dissolve (oooh, such power)! Create the Wicked Witch of the West and tip a thimbleful of water over her (I'm melting, I'm meeeeeeelting...)! Can we say nutritiousless diet snack (good bye rice cakes)?!  <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://a.im.craigslist.org/an/44/GBdWDBz8S0TEkGrXB2bArrAC8ySN.jpg"></td> <td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/hQ/lX/cA6ci5jVC6ckKzLbVB3TTz4MRoPd.jpg"></td></tr> <tr><td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/mR/Jg/wGonTVakNwBQtwP5SnYzNJPuUIKD.jpg"></td> <td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/Fv/DE/TnfER8mNptNclNuBH3w2bDqmrImX.jpg"></td></tr></table>  this is in or around downtown Davis webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-02-24T17:40:40-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/61205887.html edible meltable buildable Packing Peanuts! FREE! text Your friend was peeing in your mouth - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/44259601.html I would just like to thank you for providing one of the most odd and entertaining experiences I've ever had in this town. I was having a pretty relaxed conversation with a friend after a night of drinking (and work, I apologize for appearing in slacks and a button-up shirt, I assure you this isn't my usual attire), and you and your friend arrived in front of the bar to switch cars, presumeably after hitting another bar. She had to pee, and you suggested she do so in your mouth, and I of course suggested monetary compensation for such a show. Honestly though, I didn't think you would actually do it. I can say that's the first time I've ever seen an attractive woman topless in the middle of Q street (you have very attractive breasts by the way). It's also the first time I've seen a topless woman lay down in the middle of a three lane street at 2am. It also marks the first time I've seen a woman have another woman pee in her mouth. I forgive your bearhug which inevitably splayed most of the splashed urine on my shirt, and your immediate departure, but I am certain that it was a twenty dollars well spent. All said, despite the fact that I am in no way aroused by such "watersports," your antics were amusing and completely without any regard for law, what others might think of you, or even good taste (pun not intended). That brief moment will remain a legendary event in my mind forever. Thanks to you and your friend for something that shocked, surprised, and left a mark on my memory that will not soon be erased. If I see you again, let me buy you a drink. I might even let you pee in my mouth this time. this is in or around midtown webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-10-01T20:11:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/44259601.html Your friend was peeing in your mouth - m4w text Target, Excel and shovel http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/41583232.html I don't want to be unreasonable, but I have come to the conclusion that my dream man has the best qualities of Target stores, Excel, and my shovel. Target: Target understands me. Target understands me a little too well, but wants me to spend time with him anyway. Target knows that I need tools for home repair, and pretty pots for my plants, and thank you notes for my kind friends. Even when I think that I don't need anything from Target, Target has been watching me, and thinking about what I might need, and if I would like it in bright summery colors. My dream man would pay as much attention to figuring me out as Target does. Excel: Honestly, I don't know how anyone could be as patient and smart as Excel. My conversations with Excel go like this: Me: Honey, could you please go get that data from those lookup tables I told you about, and then perform several difficult operations on it, and then present it to me in this lovely summary table? Excel: Sure, babe. Happy to. Me: Oh shoot! I meant, could you please do these other things to it? Excel: No problem. Anything for you, babe. Me: And do you think you could suggest a way to try this other thing I was thinking of? Excel: Already on it - this might work... Me: Thanks! You're the best. How about tonight I write a special little macro for you... Shovel: I spent a while digging out my side yard this summer and ended up real impressed with my shovel. You know, my shovel doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't. He doesn't multi-task; he knows what he is good at. My shovel is always game. My shovel is ready for yardwork whenever I am. And when all I want to do is lounge around reading, my shovel is happy relaxing on the porch. Now, I know that hundreds of personyears have gone into perfecting Target, Excel and shovel, and only thirtyish personyears have gone into perfecting you. I understand that these are very demanding specs. But if you tried, I swear I would appreciate your efforts. And I would make an effort of my own. Send me your retailers, programs or implements, and I'll let you know if I'm the smart, pretty, funny girl you are looking for. this is in or around Midtown webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-09-05T23:39:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/41583232.html Target, Excel and shovel text Experienced Girlfriend Looking For Right Position http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/21687696.html Amanda Davis, CA Objective: To find a boyfriend (between ages 19-25 with picture) who is deserving of my time, energy, and extensive experience. Skills: Great In Kitchen Doesn't Mind Cleaning Gives Porn Star Head Can Fix Anything And Has Own Set Of Power Tools Knowledgable of Sports Amazing Decrotive Eye Great Dancer Ability To Charm Parents Knowledable of Cars Wonderful with Children Though Has None Of Own Ability To Avoid Drama Does Not Like To Shop & Drag Boyfriend Around Can Ask Instead of Nag Has Jealosy Issues Under Control Ability To Get Along Great With Your Friends Without It Appearing Clingy Experience: John Girlfriend 9/03-12/03 - Helped get off academic probabtion at college - Taught him proper sexual technique - Kept crazy ex-girlfriend at bay - Took care of sick grandmother during her last days - Made friends with his friends and got them all girlfriends Reason for leaving position: No opportunity for growth Mark Girlfriend 10/02-06/03 - Redecorated entire house. (painting, fixing,general sprucing) - Got his financial situation under control - Started Poker night for him and his friends - Imporved taste in clothing,food, and fine art Reason for leaving position: his wondering eye, hand, & penis Phil Girlfriend On and off again through 6/02- 01-03 - Showed him around America - Gave him place to stay once summer job was over - Traveled 8000 miles to visit him at home once he left - Charmed parents - Gave him someone to be in love with for first time - Sent funny presents during birthdays and holidays - E-mailed, called, and wrote dutifully Reason for leaving position: Company wanted us to transfer to new location Eric # 1 7/01-4/02 - Spent hours studying with him for SAT; ending score of 1520 - Talked Parents into letting him go to France for Christmas Break - Tended to his dog when she had surgery - Help mother retile kitchen - Consistantly got his friends dates Reason for leaving position- His wondering eye, hand, and penis Eric # 2 Girlfriend 8/00-6/01 - Tutored sister with learning disability - Bailed Him Out of Jail - Helped with payments of his car - Went to therapy with mother during difficult divorce - Gave first sexual experience Reason for leaving position: His wondering eye, hand, and penis webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-01-01T20:14:20-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/21687696.html Experienced Girlfriend Looking For Right Position text ISO a Penis (with man attached) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/16644243.html I am in search of a penis that wouldn't mind (and would actually enjoy) regular appearances with my vagina. This means over many days AKA a relationship schedule of f***ing. Said penis must possess a car and a full-time job. Said penis must be STD-free as is my vagina. Said penis would be willing to go cut down a Christmas tree, even if it means missing a football game. Said penis gives compliments to vagina's owner relatively often. Said penis likes romantic evenings as well as hot sweaty monkey sex. Said penis will not be making guest appearances with other vaginas!!! Please send a picture if you would like to be considered. Thanks, Owner of said vagina webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-09-22T19:44:08-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/16644243.html ISO a Penis (with man attached) text can i poop in peace? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/13462474.html It was casual friday afternoon where i work, at Barryton Electronic Technologies. it was nearing the end of my work week and all i wanted to do was take an "after lunch dookie" in peace. the bathroom in the far west wing of the building is perfect for moving your bowels because it is generally empty and also a single stall. i quicken my pace to reach the bathroom because i feel my poop trying to poke through like a turtle head peeking out of it's shell. i enter the bathroom, zip lock bag full of baby wipes in hand, to find it empty as usual. "aahhhhh.....this is going to be nice," i think to myself. a private, peaceful dump after a hearty lunch. my own natural ecstasy. i open the stall door only to find one of the most repulsive and disgusting sights i'i have seen since that rest stop outside of Fresno. liquid poop splattered all over the bowl and seat. some of it found its way on to the wall behind the toilet. how someone managed to do that i have no fucking clue. i gaged as i turned my head and started for the exit. this was not good, not good at all. the next closest bathroom was about 100 feet away. not too far of a walk, but 100 feet can feel like 100 miles when your poop is trying to make a surprise guest appearance in your underpants. i power walk towards the bathroom, my ass clinched tight as hell. this was a serious situation. here i am, 1 week shy of my 23rd birthday, a grown adult, on the verge of messing myself. it has gone past the point of turtle heading and has reached the red alert stage of prairie dogging. this is the last step before actually making brownie batter in your underwear. the bathroom door was in view now. it was a high traffic, multi-stall bathroom near the center on the building. i usually avoided this bathroom at all cost, only occasionally using it to take a piss, but never for shitting. unfortunately today i had no choice. i entered the bathroom expecting to find it full of overweight, middle aged men, but was surprised and relieved to see only two guys present. one at the sink, the other in a stall. the smell of air freshener trying to disguise the smell of urine and excrement lingered in the air. the guy at the sink looked at me through the mirror. "hey hey, there he is," he said. this walrus of a man had no idea who i was and i sure as hell did not know who he was. yet he felt it was necessary for us to communicate in some way or another. that is fine with me. i could care less. "TGIF eh?" he continued as he washed his hands, water splashing on to his jeans and typical friday hawaiian print shirt. god it is corny as hell at my work. i gave him a half smile and a nod and headed toward the stalls. there were four stalls, only the last one was occupied. i looked at the shoes of the occupant. i always do. he was wearing a pair of incognito, plain black Reeboks, concealing his identity. my shoes were always a dead give away. no matter what pair i was wearing people knew it was me taking a shit and i hated it. i set foot in to the stall next to Mr. Black Reeboks since it was the only one that did not require flushing before using. i hurried and undid my pants at the same time laid down the horse shoe seat protector. my ass was barely over the bowl when i dropped the shark in the water. after the initial poop it would be a minute till the rest came. you know how that goes. it was while i was sitting there that i noticed how disgustingly warm the seat was. i was sitting in someone else's ass warmth. i imagined Mr. Luau Shirt sitting on the toilet seconds before me. his fat, sweaty ass covering the whole seat. sweat dripping from his brow and the tip of his nose. the rolls on the back of his neck looked like a pack of hot dogs. now i was not sure if i was going to use toilet for shitting or barfing. so there i sat in silence. Mr. Luau Shirt had left and it was just me and Mr. Black Reeboks. in this huge bathroom we were no more than three feet apart and only an inch thick sheet of metal separated us. that was when i realized that Mr. Black Reeboks was no longer shitting. he was merely reading. reading in that stinky ass bathroom of all places. i on the other hand had more pooping to do. and this fucker was ruining it. i would have had the whole bathroom to myself if he would just leave. it would be perfect. in the city of sacramento there are hundreds of shady park benches, cozy couches, and grassy knolls for him to curl up and read. but opposed to all that, Mr. Black Reeboks preferred the ambiance of a shitty, smelly bathroom. inhaling other peoples' vapors and fumes. so there we sat. the only thing to break the silence was the occasional rustling of paper with the turn of a page or a fart from my ass. i was just about done now and wanted to at least wipe my ass in privacy. i was not up for someone listening to me while i wiped my ass with toilet paper, then a baby wipe, then toilet paper, then a baby wipe, then toilet paper, then a baby wipe and so on. "Wipe till it's white," that is my motto. i am really anal about keeping my anus clean. it was just then that my wish had been granted. Mr. Black Reeboks rose to leave and he did. he did not even bother to wash his hands. what a sick bastard he was. Finally. at last, some privacy. thank you lord and buddha. no more than ten seconds pass before the bathroom door opens and somebody else enters. DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT! that is when i hear my name spoken out loud. "so how bout that heat outside, Steve?" i look down and start to pout. actually pout out loud and mutter under my breath "damn these gum soled, olive adidas." webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-07-12T01:57:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/13462474.html can i poop in peace? text Hemp cat food http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/12062529.html A friend told me about hemp cat food, so I thought I'd buy it for my cat--just for the novelty. Turns out, he LOVES it. He can't get enough of it, which is great. But when I came home the other day, I caught him sitting on MY ikea lounge chair and listening to one of MY Modest Mouse CDs. I asked him politely to get off my chair, but he just kept sitting there, smoking out of My pipe, drinking the last Pacifico, completely ignoring me. He's totally cramping my style. Back to Meow Mix. webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-06-04T18:52:06-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/12062529.html Hemp cat food text All my e-mail friends http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/11687953.html You are simply too many to list individually, but I am feeling a...distance lately... You all sure do keep some weird hours!!! I can count on at least 60 new messages from you every morning, even if I check my email right before I go to sleep. And the stuff you write is so...heartfelt. I want to particularly say thank you to "Exclusive Offer", "Xiomagra Garg", and "pnnnffnde887650@". I have seriously been reading, re-reading and evaluating your offer to increase my length by 3 inches and my girth by 45%. Thank you so much for caring. OH, and to the person who keeps sending me "S U P E R S I Z E ggflxxllwdbk gdy xy", for some reason, your name isn't showing up in the email anywhere! There must be some technical glitch somewhere...just keep trying and I promise I will add you to my address book as soon as I know what name to enter! Now...the distance. I don't want you to think that I'm being naggy, or that I don't appreciate the constant attention, because I do! But, honestly I feel a relationship goes both ways. I have tried many times to write back to you, and for some reason, you don't reply. I understand you probably have a busy life (don't we all???), but occasionally I get the feeling that you don't really want to have a real heart-felt two-way dialogue with me. Of course, the feelings are fleeting, because no sooner than right after I finish writing to you, do you send me some new piece of loving information (thank you Nelda Werrtingisf for the info on the FREE CREDIT REPORT), and my mind is set at ease. I'm sorry if I have been naggy or taken up any of your time, my email friends, but I felt I needed to get that off my chest. And yes, "photokicks mccall", I will go check out that "Unbelievable Web-Cam ssgtujk aguurt bgg b". webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-05-25T16:43:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/11687953.html All my e-mail friends text Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/11523203.html I see a lot of the MW4M, W4MM, MW4donkey, dp, sub, dom, top, bottom, anal, oral, fetish, gangbang, 13" +, bukake, want to be videotaped, while you pay her rent and bills around, but... My missed connection: I miss the posts where women complain that all guys are looking for sex and are insensitive jerks and wouldn't it be great if they could find a guy to take long walks on the beach with or talk about some crappy book they read or see some lame band or stupid play or write them poetry or draw them a picture or some other artsy crap like that, oh and who is also a sensitive guy, intelligent, looks like a model and has a great job (yeah, I'm sure that guy reads Craigslist and is looking for you) I miss the girl that is looking for a guy that shares her interests and proceeds to list the things she wishes she was into because she really has no interests. I miss the BBW, thick, curvy, not-model-skinny, full-figured or whatever you want to call it, woman looking for her teddy-bear guy. I miss the psycho who claims that she isn't into games. I miss the "not looking for someone with baggage" girl because that would just get in the way of all of her baggage. I miss the plain Jane girl who complains that all the good looking guys don't see how great of a girl they are missing, even though she doesn’t see all the average looking guys, who would be great for her, that she is missing. I miss the girls who claim they are not high maintenance then proceed to write a book about themselves and what they want. I miss the girl who says that she wants to connect on an intellectual level then asks for a picture when you respond. I miss the princess looking for her prince. I guess I miss the normally dysfunctional person seeking same. I don’t really have much room to complain (but I will anyway) since I don’t pay for the service and I read those ads for my own enjoyment not to try to meet someone. Oh well, back to the missed connections to see what is here. webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-05-20T16:36:32-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/11523203.html Craigslist text Free Haircuts for Ladies willing to go short http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/9154855.html Experienced stylist offering free cuts to a few women who would like to go short and are willing to have a few before/after pictures taken of the cut. Please inquire if interested. References/pictures available. Thanks! webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-03-04T16:17:13-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/9154855.html Free Haircuts for Ladies willing to go short text