An open letter to the stealth dog on my street
What is your problem with me?! I can't help it that I can't afford a lawn tractor of my own and have to borrow one from my folks. I also can't help it that I have to drive the damn thing from my parents house, past your house on the way to mine. It's bad enough that, as long as people see and recognize me driving said lawn tractor on the road, I will forever be single. There is something inordinately unsexy about cruisin' around on Mom and Pop's Snapper. So, today, you decide to lie in wait in the open grassland your owner calls a yard. I gotta give it to you. You are one patient predator and it really helps that your hair is the same color as dead weeds. I didn't even hear you coming over the roar of my "Rear Engine Rider". When I saw the tan flash out of the corner of my eye I mashed the "forward" pedal so hard my flip flop came off. I looked back and you were "hocking it in her" (as my brother likes to say). I didn't know what to do! I tried in vain to coax more speed from the red beast. I even tried wiggling the steering wheel really hard in an effort that looked more like a crazed muppet with a drum set. I looked back again and you'd gained considerable ground. My heart was in my throat. Panic had taken over. I could see the look on your face and knew your name was probably not "Cuddly Bear" or "Fluffy". That's when I learned that beer can be used as a "dog bite deterrent". I pulled that beautiful bottle of ice cold Sierra Nevada from the Snapper's "convenient cup holder" and swung it like a paddle in a pro ping pong match. That amber liquid of the gods arced and caught you right square in the kisser. I take it you won't be drinking with me. It's very apparent that you don't like micro brewed beer. Fortunately, your hacking and spitting gave me and the few golden moments I needed to execute a getaway at the speed of smell. So listen here buddy boy! Know this! The next time I come by your house on the lawn tractor from hell, I'll be packing. One Sierra for me....and one for you!
Lawn Mower Girl