Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-02-04T21:06:52-05:00 2 daily Me Cashier...You Customer! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/563157713.html Years of working with the public, I have found out...aliens do exist and they are having a hard time understanding how earth works. Maybe if you pass this around, some of them will get a chance to read it and we can all live a little easier! 1. I am a cashier....You pay me for what you buy. I do not invent, manufacture, package or research products. I am a cashier. If you want to know if it contains peanuts...read the label..it will say "contains peanuts" 2. I think it's great that you have 13 cents in your purse, under your wallet, beside your cell phone, somewhere around the 150 receipts you have wadded up in there, and one more penny somewhere inside the torn lining of your purse. Just give me the damn dollar so I can give your change back and wait on the 70 other people behind you. Having the exact change does not make you customer of the year! 3. I am not a pharmacist. I don't want to know the intimate details of your symptoms and I can not tell you if ibuprofin or acetominaphen will work best for you. Go to the damn doctor and ask him. If I was qualified to prescribe medicine do you really think I would be a cashier?? 4. I am not overcharging you. I do not even know the person who owns this company. Why would I over charge you so the owner of this company can make more money???? I am not Robin hood! Do you see me wearing green tights and a curly green hat? Come see me when I own this company and work the cash register, maybe I will consider over charging you then! 5. No!!! You can't lay a dollar on the counter and run out because the person in front of you is holding up the line by digging for that penny. The year is 2007. If you buy something, it has to be scanned to put the money in the register. There are thousands of items in stores. I do not go home at night and study to memorize the prices. That is why we have modern cash registers. So we can scan items and the price just magically appears and that way, I can't cheat you out of that two cents that we discussed earlier! 6. OK..your kid is cute, but I don't want to have a conversation with a two year old. If I did, I would be at home having a conversation with my own two year old, who by the way is much cuter and much much better behaved than your offspring. Tell the Brat no and pay for your crap and get out of the way! I am trying to work here! There's 50 customers behind you who would like to get dinner home before breakfast! 7. I'm sorry that you want 12 cents off of a $10 bag of candy. The candy is not on sale. I don't care if it was on the sales rack or if you scraped it off the floor. It's not on sale. If you lay in the floor, scream, cry and wet yourself, it still will not be on sale. Use a little common sense here. If you want to yell, you can Yell at the lady with the adorable little darling who spends his afternoons running through the store moving products from shelf to shelf while mommy is asking the cashier what she needs to take for her diarrhea. Maybe she will give you 12 cents to shut up. It works for her kids. 8. I am not a psychic. You can not stare at me and point at the wall behind me while talking on the cell phone about your husband's hairy back and expect me to know what you want. Hang up the damned phone and speak, roll over, play dead, do something that makes sense! If you are that worried about your husband's hairy back, ask one of the cashiers, perhaps they can prescribe a bottle of nair, which by the way..is on sale...12 cents off!!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-04T21:06:52-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/563157713.html Me Cashier...You Customer! text Whoah Super Food Chopper &amp; Bowl of Sweetarts http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/490998620.html Chance of a lifetime here. I am giving away my Super Food Chopper due to grossly disfigured forearms, I was using a Nolan Ryan forearm strengthener and it has rendered my forearms hugely deformed with muscles that chop straight though my counter tops and kitchen table. Depressed as I have been with my destruction I turned to candy as my only friend. Today I woke up and said NO MORE, I want the chopper out and the candy gone too. Please take these two vices out of my life, it is time to move on. (see grotesque forearm below not included) <img src=490998620.1.jpg> <img src=490998620.2.jpg> <img src=490998620.3.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Forest Hill <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-27T11:39:02-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/490998620.html Whoah Super Food Chopper &amp; Bowl of Sweetarts text Things I Learned Saturday http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/370233364.html Things I Learned Saturday: When you have to use the bathroom, do not let the dogs precede you into the room. Bathrooms are very small rooms and only have one door. When the dogs knock you down while they attempt to exit the bathroom, do not fall on the toilet.Toilets can explode. Dogs vanish when toilets explode. You can move at lightspeed when shutting off the water line to a toilet that has exploded. Porcelain is very sharp, and cuts on the palm of the hand bleed profusely. Dog towels are good for soaking up blood. Dog towels are also good for soaking up water that results from exploding toilets. Plumbers cost $150 per hour, plus travel time, plus a new toilet and hardware. If you laugh at the plumbers prices, he will hang up on you. Toilets at Lowes cost about $150. Toilets at Lowes have names like Parfait, Bouquet and Boudoir. It takes two people to carry a toilet. Toilets are not too hard to replace. Just be careful, because porcelain is sharp. You can save about 300 bucks if you replace the toilet yourself. Dog towels are also good for wiping up the wax ring goo from underneath exploded toilets. Yard sales are great places to buy dog towels. You can get a dog towel at a yard sale for about 50 cents. Best yard sale bargain on Saturday, July 7th, 2007: 6 dog towels for 3 bucks. Final score: Toilet=0, Plumber=0, Dogs=1, Dog Towels=6. How was your day?   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Ice Queen <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-09T19:00:57-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/370233364.html Things I Learned Saturday text Dear Dog: just take a shit already http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/343768259.html Ok Dog, we need to talk. Every time I take you out for a shit, the exact same series of events happen: I get the blue leash and clip it to you we go outside I say "go potty" you take a shit Every walk ever starts with the blue leash and a shit. You do not know what the outdoors is like without taking a shit. So why is this such a hard concept to understand right now? You slept all evening (snoring, I might add) and at 11pm I noticed your eyes were at least open, so I decided it would be good to take you out for a dump. This, I assumed, would be one of those groggy potty breaks where you hobble down the stairs, squat, poop, hobble back up, and blearily settle back into your pillow to resume dreaming about the days when you still had balls. Instead, you decided it was time for Fun Backyard Exploration. You had to smell every single clover before deciding to eat all of them. I kept hoping you were sniffing for a place to poop, but it was always just catching up on the latest "who walked by here" for every verticle surface available. Don't eat that. Put that down. Quit kicking dirt on me. Go potty. Go potty. I'm not holding this plastic bag and saying "go potty" for my own health, you know. But nothing. So we go for a walk around the block, and you spend another 10 minutes wandering about the front yard. Seriously, you're picking a place to shit not snuffling for truffles. More pacing, more sniffing, but no squatting, so we go back to the backyard. Another 5 minutes goes by and it becomes apparent that shitting is not on the agenda this evening, just smelling. Fine, we go inside, you go back to your crate, and I go to bed. Just as I'm crawling in, I hear a squeak. Is it my roomate coming home? sqeak squeak, no, it's the 1am "but I really do have to poop" squeak. Fine, out we go again. Once again you spend 5 minutes interrogating every bug (no, they don't want to be your friend. You always kill them) you make it clear that oh no, you don't want to poop, you want to play! look dog, it is one in the morning. Those times earlier today when I was waving a rope wildly while saying "get it! get it!" while you looked at me like I was retarded and sat around doing nothing? THOSE were times to play. But no, you spent the afternoon trying to take up ALL of my couch (I'm 3 times your size, why do you get 3/4ths of the couch?) and so NOW you want to play. Unfortunately for you, I'm going to bed. Here's a stuffed animal that used to squeak (before you killed it), goodnight. I'll see you at 4am.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: the backyard <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-03T01:18:30-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/343768259.html Dear Dog: just take a shit already text To My Co-Workers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/286942311.html I will begin this post by stating that I like the job that I have. That is, it's a lot better than the last shitbag job I had. However, in the year or so that I have been working there, some things have come to my attention that aggravate me. I would like to bring these things to your attention. 1. The parking lot is free (which is a rarity downtown) and the lot is immediately adjacent to our building. There are more spots than there are cars on any given day and the spots are not assigned. However, that does not mean that some of us haven't already selected our spots that we like to park in every day. If you are new to the office, then hang back and find your own special spot. Do not take my spot. I am very territorial about my parking spot and don't want to park anywhere else. If you see the same car in the same spot day after day, assume the person who parks there does so for a reason. 2. The refrigerator is for your lunch each day. Do not go to the grocery store and buy a week's supply of food and then bring it in each Monday and stock the fridge for the week. There is one fridge between about 60 people in the office. There is no extra room for your salad dressing, case of juice, leftover Thanksgiving meal and whatnot. Don't be a lazy ass each morning. Bring what you are going to eat each day and then eat it. 3. There are only three employee toilets in the building for the above stated number of employees. If you feel the need for a long sit down each morning with the paper, then schedule that before you come to work. In addition, burning a match does not help the smell after you take a dump. The bathroom then smells like shit AND sulfur. Leave the fan on when you exit the bathroom. If you approach the bathroom door and it is closed, assume someone is in there and do the courteous thing - knock! Don't just grab the handle and attempt to barge in. The door will be locked and you will then walk away looking insulted while the person in the restroom will be relieved that they remembered to lock the door. If, by chance, you clog up the toilet with the remnants from Bottom's Up Pizza, use the plunger located directly next to the toilet and unclog the motherfucker. Don't just slink away for the next person to find. Do you do this at home? I think not. 4. To the person who keeps rearranging the mailboxes so that all of the employee names will be in alphabetical order: this is annoying, especially when you don't bother to send an email letting everyone know that their box has been moved. I am still missing mail from the last time you did that. 5. The copier and shredder are for everyone. That being said, if they jam, then fix it. If you don't know how to fix it, walk around and find someone to help you. If you can't do that, then leave a note on the machine that says, "Jammed" or "Out of order". 6. Take a few minutes each week to clean the cigarette butt can outside if you smoke. Don't throw your lottery tickets, receipts, gum wrappers and empty cigarette packs into that receptacle. It is not a trash can, it is a shallow butt can. The homeless man lingering outside will not clean it out for money or cigarettes. His job is to stalk around the outside of the building muttering nonsensical shit out loud to intimidate people. 7. To the crazy bitch who stuck stickers all over the in/out board, please go away and work somewhere else. If I had wanted a sticker by my name, I would have brought one in. The stickers are dumb, ugly and tacky. Like you. In addition, crazy bitch, please stop burning candles in your office. I don't know where in God's green earth that you got those candles, but after being burned for three to four hours, someone in India could smell them. Your office smells like a French whorehouse and it makes me wonder if there is some other smell in your office that you are trying to cover up. 8. A note to the janitor: you must be the laziest bastard around. The soap dispensers are there for a reason and empty for a reason - we use soap after using the restroom and when our hands are dirty. We would like the soap dispensers filled up more than once per month. We would like the paper towel dispensers and toilet paper dispensers filled up more than twice a month. When they are empty would be preferable. You empty the trash (sometimes) and rarely vaccuum the carpet. I don't think you know what in the hell a mop and bucket is. The fact that the boss took up a collection to give you a Christmas gift was deplorable and that's why I didn't donate and told others not to. You didn't earn it. 9. To those employees who have thermostats in their offices: quit jacking the temperature up and down. You are the reason that the air conditioners broke last summer and the reason that many of us have fans and space heaters in our offices. Your office does not need to the temperature of the Sahara in the winter, nor does it need to be the temperature of the North Pole in the summer. Leave the freaking thing at about 70 degrees and live with it. Others are counting on you to learn this principle. 10. To those of you sitting in the small break room for two plus hours hogging it, please keep in mind that some of us would like to eat our lunch between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00 and not in our offices. Take your 30 minute lunch break and then return to your office to work. Share! The fact that one or two of the bosses are sitting in there with you does not make it okay. It makes you look like a suck up. 11. Do not have any personal information faxed to you and then leave it sitting on the fax all day. Because I will come along, looking for a work related fax and will read it. I will then know that you are dumb and lazy enough to sign a contract for $15,000 to get your bathroom painted, refloored, shelves hung and a new bathroom counter and cabinet installed and tub re-grouted. I will then feel obligated to tell at least one other person how dumb you must be to sign a contract for that amount of money. 12. Your joy of singing does not translate into my joy of listening. You are not the next Fantasia, Beyonce, Mary J. or anyone else except a woman with no personality and big ass whom I assume never gets laid. You cannot sing and if you feel the need, then close your office door and sing quietly. 13. If you have a split personality, leave the other personality(ies) at the door. Hearing your other personality walking around the office talking creepy baby talk is weird and it makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. If you can't be a grown up all of the time, at least have the courtesy to act like one during your working hours. 14. To those of you who work in this office and have never spoken to me other than a frosty little smile as we pass in the hall, kiss my ass. You and I both know who you are. The time will probably come and you will probably need something from me, and you won't get it. In the meanwhile I am working on collecting your dirty little secrets. In addition, I enjoy knowing that my ass is smaller than yours, my tits are bigger, my face is prettier and my personality is better. 15. Stop walking by my office looking in. Nothing amazing is going on in there, except for work and some internet surfing. Since my computer faces away from the door, I know that you can't really see what I am doing other than sitting behind my desk doing whatever I am doing at the time. Walking by my office 20+ times per day looking in is kind of silly, don't you think? You will not catch me picking my nose, scratching my crotch, farting, doing drugs or engaging in any compromising positions, so stop trying. In addition, stop standing outside my door blatantly eavesdropping on my conversations. I know you are there and immediately stop talking. You do this to other people and they know you do it, too. We are all on to you. 16. Lastly, to the surprisingly hot guy in the office, I would have already fucked you if I wasn't taken. Sometimes when we're standing around chit-chatting, I imagine you naked. Every now and then, I feel a little electricity between us. You look great in suits, wear them more often. These are simply guidelines for office work. Please feel free to print and post on a bulletin board in your office in hopes that someone will read it and correct their misdeeds.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Downtown <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-01T22:26:19-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/286942311.html To My Co-Workers text Thank you Dulcolax for ruining my Thanksgiving. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/210195761.html Dear Dulcolax, My grandmother cooks. A lot. In fact, she insists on it. She's one of those cooks that frequently sticks her finger in the food and licks it off for a taste. I'm not just talking about cake batter here. Whatever she makes, she's always taking a taste and 'the finger' is always involved. While I would never do this myself, I could deal with it. Hell, you go to a buffet or someone double dips their nacho in the guacamole and it's pretty much the same issue, right? Wrong. About a year ago my grandmother felt the need to share her constipation issues with me. To sum it up she uses a suppository approximately once a week. She's done so for the past 10 years and gave me no indication this would cease in the future. Well, I'm going to try and spare some of the detail here but let's just say it was revealed that she doesn't use a glove. Well, 'revealed' probably isn't the right word here because she didn't see a problem with sharing this information without being asked. I was quite perplexed as to why she didn't use a glove. Hell, I was downright astonished when I blatantly ask and she replied that she thought she never needed one. Well, ladies and gentlemen, the mystery has been solved. The other day I got my hands on one of these Dulcolax boxes. According to her classification (adult), these are the instructions: "1 suppository once daily. Remove foil. Insert suppository well into rectum, pointed end first. Retain about 15 to 20 minutes." As you can see, gloves are not involved. I tore the box apart. I took out a magnifying glass. I inspected both the box and the foil wrapped goodies inside. Nothing about gloves. You could at least include some fine print about how optional gloves could be used for hygienic purposes! The warnings take up about three times the amount of space as the instructions so it's not like you're trying to be stingy on the printing costs. Thank you Dulcolax for ruining my Thanksgiving. Oh, and my Christmas, Easter, family reunion, my birthday and the birthday of several other family members every year. She always brings about 90% of the food to any family function and now, thanks to your inadequate box, I can't bring myself to eat her 'finger food.' I know what you're thinking. I've tried to hunt and peck for food someone else brought. It isn't safe. You never know... so, thank you for ruining my Thanksgiving but I'll have you know that you have also ruined your potential future sales. This constipation thing could very well be genetic and I'm starving over here so there is no need for a bowel movement on my end. (my name) **** Just so you CL readers know, I went to the web site and sent in this complaint. I almost called them because it said: "If you need to report an unexpected effect or side effect of Dulcolax, please call the Boehringer Ingelheim Drug Information Unit at (their number) and choose option#4 [TTY# (another number)]." If this doesn't qualify as a side effect I don't know what does but I'm not letting them slip away claiming it's a bad connection or trying to pull a fast one and hanging up. I want to know what these people have to say for themselves for placing their product in defective packaging and the web site politely asked me how I would like to be contacted with their response. According to the web site: "Your request has been submitted. Thank you, "my name", your request has been submitted. We are preparing a response. Have a Nice day!" FYI - gloves (even the fancy non-latex ones for those of you with allergies) can be purchased in the first aid section. Thank you.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around downtown <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-21T01:33:48-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/210195761.html Thank you Dulcolax for ruining my Thanksgiving. text re: breeding dogs http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/194924210.html here's my rant: people who don't know shit about dogs but own/breed them anyway. so, to the dumbass who said that neutered dogs don't learn to piss with their leg up....well, 1st) so? who the fuck cares? 2nd) that rarely has anything to do with sexual status. it has more to do with dominance and breed. giant breeds rarely lift their legs because it is harder on their hips to do so. same goes with some stockier breeds like bulldogs and dachshunds. i have a 100lb gsd who wasn't neutered until 10 months of age (well after sexual maturity). he doesn't lift his leg b/c of his size. neutering is essential to a dog's health. it prevents or greatly reduces the risks of many types of cancers. reduces the risk of fistulas. prevents pyometra in females. prevents unwanted pregnancies, mastitis, eclampsia, and dystocias. the only reasons not to spay/neuter (other than an underlying health problem in the animal) are selfish ones. 1. i want him/her to have one litter so i can have one of the puppies. why? the puppies aren't guaranteed to come out anything like either of the parents. there are millions of dogs being killed in shelters every year that would make fantastic pets. 2. he/she is a purebred. and so are 30-50% of the dogs in kill shelters right now. being a purebred is no reason to breed. akc registration proves NOTHING about health, temperment, or even conformation. just that both parents were of the same breed. 3. i want the children to experience the miracle of birth. yeah, the bloody mess of birth is a great thing for a child to see. especially when some of the puppies are stillborn (which happens at almost every birth). or when a puppy doesn't develop properly and is born with organs outside the body or without legs. that's fun for the whole family. or how about when the puppy gets stuck in the birth canal and the mother can't deliver on her own. so you rush the dog (and the kids of course) to the er vet at 3am and realize that you didn't bother to set aside the $1500 for a situation like this. then the kids can pet the dog while the vet euthanizes her. i'm sure they'll be glad they got to see that. if you really want to set a good example for your kids, you will neuter your pets and maybe get involved with rescuing and fostering homeless dogs. THAT is a great life lesson. 4. i can make some money. yes, you can. if you are doing it wrong. responsible breeders spend thousands a year on OFA and CERF certifications, trips to the veterinarian, cardiologist and endocrinologist. they pay travel expenses and entry fees for conformation shows, agility trials, obedience classes and trials and tracking lessons. they screen homes and have them lined up before the puppies are even born, often before the bitch is even bred. they do NOT sell to the first person with a wad of cash and they do NOT advertise on CL or in the newspaper. and again to the same asshole who also said "Besides why should the dog have to suffer for the owners lack of responsibility? If they dogs were better taken care of, they would not have the opportunity to get loose. Hell our kids are getting loose and banging, lets neuter them too!!!!!" where to begin...it's hard to believe that people can be this ignorant. neutering, especially in males is relatively painless. males are usually back to their normal selves before the end of the day. they do not know that anything is different. just that they took a nap at the vet and woke up with a few stiches. DOGS ARE NOT PEOPLE. they don't think "Oh God - my nuts are gone!" intact male dogs' lives are literally consumed by hormones. they are constantly frustrated by not being able to mate. a neutered male is not bothered with those impulses and is more able to lead a happy life as a member of the family. you say it's not fair that the dog have to suffer? but it's okay that they have to suffer from prostate cancer or perianal fistulas? from uncontrollable hormones? from anal gland problems? if you DON'T want your dog to suffer, neuter him. you're right, dogs should not have the opportunity to get loose. however, an intact male can smell an intact female up to a mile away and these dogs will often do whatever it takes to get to each other including tearing a fence apart or breaking through a window or door. plus, if a neutered dog gets loose there is no chance of it getting pregnant or impregnating another dog. and the kid comment...well, that just proves how much of an idiot you really are. if your kids are getting loose and "banging" it is because you are a bad parent. you didn't bother with teaching them any values or giving them any rules to abide by. children can process thoughts and make decisions. dogs are solely controlled by their hormones. they are unable to make the decision to just ignore their sexual urges and do what they should. the fact that the SPCA actually adopted a dog to someone as ignorant as you makes me want to call them and bitch them out.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-16T13:55:00-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/194924210.html re: breeding dogs text