RE: Best Self Pleasure Method
Using a very complex mathematical formula (Villanova grad- Physics and Statistics dual major), I was able to make the determination that heating an unskinned cantelope in the microwave for six minutes and thirty-two seconds will cause the interior of the cantelope to warm to the average basal body temperature of a woman's vagina. After removing the cantelope from the microwave and skinning it, I carve out a small hole using a potato peeler and let my erect penis do the rest of the work! As you penetrate the warm, soft, fruity flesh of the cantelope, you will find that it feels EXACTLY like sinking into a real woman! And even better, YOU'RE in complete control of the cantelope!
I usually climax into the cantelope as I call out the name of my hottest ex-girlfriend, Heather. Heather was very, very hot (GREAT ass) but she was so annoying (even in bed) that it completely spoiled her hottness- including that hot ass, which I would sniff and lick like a rabid dog whenever I got the opportunity. Since a cantelope by its very nature is incapable of verbal communication, this most precious piece of produce can ultimately sometimes be more satisfying.
My Catholic education taught me some real values, and I hestitate to waste ANY food products while millions starve in both the Third World and industrialized nations. Consequently, I make sure to chop up the cantelope after I masturbate into it and make a fruit salad. I usually add some watermelon, strawberries, grapes, blueberries, starfruit and sliced kiwi in with the "treated" cantelope.
(CAUTIONARY NOTE: Watermelons serve as very poor masturbationary devices. Aside from being too large for most microwaves, the seeds can cause serious injury to your penis. Try explaining that to an emergency room physician! Additionaly, the flesh of a watermelon begins to reek as it warms in ways that an actual, live vulva never could. I've performed oral sex on girls who have been jogging in 90 degree weather after sunbathing on the beach all day, and watermelon smells MUCH worse.)
After garnishing with romaine lettuce and that "other" cream- Cool Whip- I serve the fruit salad (affectionatly referred to as BLFS, or "Blown Load Fruit Salad") to my roommates and female friends, who have no idea that they are actually eating my blown load. I feel guilty about serving it to my roommates (especially when they ask for some BLFS by name and have no idea as to what they are actually referring), but I feel funny telling them not to eat it because I used the cantelope to empty my testicle. (Yes, I have only one- motorbike accident when I was 12.) Plus, it WOULD look rather suspicious if only the women availed themselves of the fruit salad that I offered to all of my guests.
Serving Blown Load Fruit Salad does have one MAJOR benefit- it's a huge confidence booster when I see a girl out at the bar who has eaten a generous helping of this most seminal recipe. I am better able to hold a confident and clever conversation with even the most stunningly beautiful women, armed with the knowledge that she thoroughly enjoyed a clandestine serving of my sperm. To date, I have scored 3 hook-ups that are fully attributable to my increased confidence while conversing with these women. (Funny story- one of them remarked that I have the worst tasting sperm that they have ever swallowed. She didn't say that the first time around!)
I would be remiss if I did not advocate safe sex with the wares found at your local grocer. Condoms will protect you from various fruit-borne illnesses. (If you are really determined to serve Blown Load Fruit Salad afterward, you can just shake out the condom into the cantelope.) There are reports that tribes in Zimbabwe found that their penises would become inflamed and attract insects after a similar ritual was performed using the Green Cabasawa Melonfruit that is native to that region. Its composition is similar to the California cantelope in several respects, and you do not want a trail of fruit flies zipping around your crotch as you walk around the neighborhood. It is not only unsightly, but they really start to take a chunk out of your peter after a while.
Also, be VERY careful about using other fruit varieties for sexual gratification- the flesh of many produce items becomes much too hot even at relatively low cook times. I once suffered second degree burns during an encounter with a deceptively warm pineapple. I've found that the mathematical formula (which I cannot reproduce here, due to all of the necessary characters and Greek symbols not being available) only works for a cantelope. (Wait- I used the word "reproduce." Get it- rePRODUCE.)
In any event, I post this because it's much easier to buy a cantelope for most guys than to obtain a blood pressure sleeve. Now fuck that fruit with a smile!
P.S. I have copyrighted calling out "Heather! Heather!" while making love to a cantelope. Please use the name of another female if you wish to avoid receiving a nastygram from my attorney. Penalties for infringement can be severe.