Originally Posted: 2005-05-24 1:24pm
RANT: Improper Blowjob Technique
This is really becoming ridiculous. I am tired of hooking up with attractive women who, though they have been on this Earth for two to three decades, don't have the first idea on how to properly smoke a pole. This is especially egregious when I have just spent 30-60 minutes getting excited bewteen their beautiful, tender thighs taking orders (and my arms, neck and tongue are now completely numb, stiff and/or have pins and needles) and I've let them smoke a generous helping of my good weed.
In addition to my keys, wallet, cell phone, guitar picks, and condoms, I now carry a yellow hankerchief on my person at all times. I also have one stored just underneath my futon. The next time I begin to receive another piss poor blowjob, I am going to yank the woman's head from my member, stand up, put on a black and white stripped shirt I recently purchased, throw the yellow hankerchief into the air and bellow the following in a loud voice so that all within at least 25 feet can hear me:
"We have multiple infractions on the play. Personal foul, on the offense, tugging, pulling, sucking and slopping on my penis in reckless disregard of whether or not I may actually be enjoying myself. Illegal touching, using teeth on my member and stroking it well below my dickhead, where the penis is not one bit sesitive in any way, except in a woman's misinformed imagination. The player is EJECTED!"
There will be no further review of my ruling.
You will then be so taken aback by this display of me standing naked (except for my black and white stripped shirt, and probably my socks) and gesticulating along with my announcement that you will promptly leave my bedroom to the chuckles of both myself and my roomates, never to return. (Unless I'm THAT wasted and no one else is around. Or you just want anal.)
If you are in need of pointers, read on. Otherwise, have a nice day.
First, (assuming the man is on his back) take the pole into your hand and pull it straight up into the air. Don't pull it too far back- if it breaks off, there is certainly going to be some trouble and you may find yourself charged with negligent manslaughter after I bleed to death.
Firmly gripping the base of the shaft with one hand, then place your ENTIRE mouth around the upright penis and slowly suck to an area AT LEAST 1"-2" inches below the dickhead. This is where the penis is most sensitive. If you concentrate exclusively on the dickhead, it will be too sensitive and the BJ will be more torture than pleasure. Avoid this, especially if you don't want me to keep sucking on your clit after you come in my mouth and you are writhing atop my bed because of the sensitivity.
After my stiff 7" (actually, 6.8", but if you are experienced enough to tell the difference you must be carrying at least 2 diseases and you shouldn't be in my bedroom) has been sufficiently made wet by your mouth slowly moving up and down my pole, it's time to introduce the hand into the equation.
You instinctively put your hand over your mouth to project your voice to distances over 20 yards away in the event of emergency, such as, "Hey! That fucking dickhead from the Parking Authority who just earned his GED is about to write you a ticket for double-parking while you bring your groceries into your apartment!" Use the same technique here- place your hand over your mouth, just between your lips and nose, and continue to suck! Both your hand and soft lips are now gliding up and down my dickhead and shaft, providing me with indescrible pleasure. (If not for this, I wouldn't be hanging out with you in the first place.)
Now DON'T actually yell out while my blessed member is in your mouth (especially to someone from the Parking Authority) but note that the excitement could be increased even further if you would moan and purr like you are enjoying my cock more than that box of chocolates that you keep dipping into despite your vow to be on your tenth straight diet. (It doesn't matter if you actually ARE enjoying it- sometimes licking your snatch is like licking the inside of someone's nose with a sinus infection, yet I don't complain.)
Do NOT- I repeat, NOT- ever stroke the cock where the shaft meets the balls. There is absolutely no sensitivity in that area. Your hand properly belongs over your mouth. Even worse is when a woman starts pulling on the scrotum in that area, thinking you might enjoy it. How about I try pulling your ears from your face? It would be just as sexually pleasureable.
If your technique is proper, most men will be morphed into a two-minute tiger. The cock will stiffen within minutes to a degree greater than the body of the City's 231st shooting victim of the year down at the morgue. Ejaculation is now imminent! It is VERY important that you continue sucking for at least 3-4 seconds following the first cumblasts spraying the back of your throat. This will ensure that the involuntary trigger reflex in my penis will begin. Like an AK-47 in the hands of Iraqi insurgents, properly triggering off my pole will ensure that it will keep firing and firing until the entire contents of my burdened balls effortlessly make my way into your mouth in one fell swoop and the 12,000,000,000 potential children begin the journey down your esophogus to their final destination of swimming around in your stomach.
If you pull away too soon, the penis will not successfully trigger and will not continue shooting itself off without some extra effort on your part. It's best to get it all out at once so I don't have to awkwardly begin pleading and screaming, "Omigod! Omigod! Baby, there's more! There's more! Keep sucking! Keep sucking!" at the height of ecstasy.
Bonus points if you flick your tongue at the base of my dickhead while I'm exploding in your mouth.
After you are confident that all of the sperm has been drained from my testicles (or, my hand releases its vice-grip on the back of your head- whichever comes first), then you may remove your mouth from my penis and slowly lick up and down my still-twiching shaft. Lick the balls, too- they LOVE you at this moment. Then, pull my shaft back up toward you and slowly, softly suck for a few more seconds to top everything off. You can have anything you want from my refridgerator as I quickly fall off to sleep.