Please Stop Stalking My Sister
You know who you are, the guy my sister broke up with over three years ago for painfully obvious reasons. As much as we've enjoyed reading your bi-weekly emails (and forwarding them to all of our friends and family members) you are starting to cross the line from past mistake to future restraining order. I have to admit, your emails are fantastic pieces of work. (John Hinckley apparently having become quite the muse) They are the perfect blend of expletives and pleading with just enough freshly ground lamenting and a touch of creepiness. There's nothing like a steaming hot cup of stalker to keep you up all night with your back against the wall.
You obviously spend hours writing, revising, and having your emails proofread by your fellow stalkers friends. What a shame you finally excel at something and it turns out to be illegal, curse those anti-stalking laws! Here's an idea, why not move to D.C. and start lobbying against them? Hey, why not move tomorrow? Because regardless of your immense talent, it's still time for a new hobby or you'll have to clear out your palmpilot to schedule in your court dates.
Not that we aren't happy to hear from you. Your emails are wonderful reminders of the way you would sequester yourself in another room at family dinners and sulk until my sister devoted her full attention to you. Or the endearing messages you left, post break up, where you described the tragic demise of my sister's antique desk under your axe wielding hands. To quote you, "that desk is no longer with us." We often ask ourselves why, if the desk is no longer with us, you still are?!?!?! Your erratic and often scary behavior really added excitement to our lives, not a day went by when we didn't fear for my sister's well-being. Good times, good times.
But I digress, the point of my post is this, Please Stop Stalking My Sister.
At the beginning of your last creative effort you said that you had decided that my sister had stopped using that email address. Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, she still uses it but doesn't respond to you because she doesn't want to talk to you? Somehow, some way, over the past three and a half years, my sister managed to get over you and move on with her life. Please, feel free to do the same as soon as possible. Also, please do not create any more metaphors involving my sister and accordions, you've ruined polka music for me forever.
Anybody can email except for you