Tell me why I'm on here again
-I don't have, or need, a free couch. Well, OK, I need a couch, but not the kind found in the Free section. I have one I could probably get rid of that may possibly be too shabby even by CL standards, as it has had stuff spilled on it, animals slept on it, it was owned by two generations of smokers, I've had sex on it, and the former owner got halfway through ripping the upholstery off to recover it and decided to junk it instead, which is why I now have a couch that occasionally sticks me with wayward carpet tacks that used to hold on a makeshift cover that was replaced by a southwestern WalMart throw found in this apartment when I moved in as well as a Woolrich blanket salvaged from a dumpster at work. (Keep in mind this all occurred over five years ago when I was throwing furnishings together without the benefit of a job.)
-Speaking of jobs, I don't need one of those either. I have one that provides me with my recommended daily allowance of stress and aggravation, few perks, hourly wages, and the added benefit of walking on wet concrete eight to ten hours a day (average 10-20 miles per day, before I threw out my pedometer in disgust). I do have a great boss though, and my immediate coworkers are good people. Hey, if you need a job, I can get you one.
-I don't want a f-r-e-e i-p-*-d, thank you very much. And I have twenty-two Gmail invites pending new owners; don't need Gmail either although you slackers trying to get something for them are shameless. They're FREE, get it? I did trade one for a joke, and several for .jpeg images of foreign countries, which was cool and didn't cost anyone anything.
-I have no kids, so I don't need to barter for baby clothes or toys or infant formula or whatever. I also can't have pets here, as much as I'd like to rescue somebody's totally awesome freaky cute demon cat. Really.
-I live in a small town. This means there is no Best Buy, Borders, Ikea, etc. anywhere near me. I don't need gift cards to any of those places. I'd have to use them online, and the shipping on most of the stuff I'd want would be the same cost as gassing up the truck, driving to the city, and getting it myself.
-I don't have any missed connections on the bus, the bookstore, or Starbucks. We don't even have Starbucks here. (Quit making that bug-eyed "O" face; it's true.) Maybe I'll see someone I'd like to know better. When I do, I talk to them. Remember talking? Without the benefit of cell phones, text messaging, and chat rooms? It still works, believe it or not.
-I'm not looking for 420, or prescription drugs of any kind. I have a fully-stocked medicine cabinet full of crap from the doctor that I'm never going to use, but you can be sure I'm not going to jail for selling off my scrips here. I'll flush 'em first. In fact....BRB
-Sorry, just realized I had to pee. To continue: I also don't need hot, steamy sex with any of the various assorted men attached to the penises in the personal ads. I'm happily married. Thank God. I can't imagine trolling for sex on here; I've never been that desperate. Ever. Besides, my husband and I have sex that makes the neighbors blush. We don't care if the guy across the hall hears us. His bathroom is right outside our bedroom window, so if I have to hear his morning grunt-and-fart routine, he can put up with our illegal-in-some-states sex life. The downstairs neighbor we're more respectful of, since he's older and single, and our couch thumps the floor when we get busy and his bedroom happens to be right below us. So we only go for it on the couch when he's visiting his family in Jersey. More points for the couch, huh? As for the snobby girl who can't park who lives behind us, I'm sorely tempted to put amplifiers in our window and project them at hers. Maybe she'll move and take those damn wind chimes with her, and I'll have more than half a parking space when I get home. Oh well, she's marginally better than the teenagers who used to sit on the balcony smoking pot and blowing it into my inward-facing window fan.
In summary, I have absolutely no reason to be on CL. I mean, I could get rid of the couch, I suppose, but the beyond-desperate person that actually wanted it would have to drive here and then figure out how to get an eight-foot rigid-frame sofa around two 90-degree turns and down the inner stairwell without gouging the vintage door moulding or the walls. We plan on leaving it here when we move, along with dotted chalk lines indicating where the next tenant should use the chainsaw to hack it into manageable pieces for easy removal.
My husband and I have frequently joked about getting a cute Asian housegirl, so maybe I should advertise for one of those. My guidelines would be kind of strict, though, and I doubt many cute girls, Asian or otherwise, would be willing to make the drive once a week in order to be blatantly ogled and probably underpaid. Besides, I'd feel the need to clean everything before she got here anyway. Pointless, I know, but women are like that.
I could advertise for new neighbors, I guess. Nice people who can park on the first or even second try would be nice. People who don't mind the occasional fornication noises coming from our place. People who remember to turn off their porch light so it doesn't shine directly into our bedroom all night long, getting past the blinds and the drapes in that one tiny crack of space that happens to be in a direct line with my left eyeball. People without wind chimes, most definitely, and preferably ones without irritable bowels that act up at six AM every morning.
I forgot what my original intention was. Why am I here, that's right. I have no idea, but if you're a female Asian (or a freckled redhead, either is fine) with a couch to get rid of (sectional with a chaise at one end ideally) and moonlight as a housekeeper (emphasis on the "moon" part) and could actually live in a town with no cell phone towers (read: NO cell service) and no Starbucks, please give me a reason for being on CL. The rent is $425 and includes heat, water, and parking. I'll make sure there's an empty apartment by the end of the month. Make my time here worthwhile; I'll repay CL with free Gmail invites.