20 things i gotta tell my boss......
1. get a fucking cell phone charger for your car--we're in sales and you might actually talk enough into it during the day that the battery will run down. and having a dead cell phone on the last day of the month is bad for business.
2. stop burping in my car after lunch--it smells, it's uncomfortable.
3. i never thought i'd tell a chick to stop wearing skirts but here goes--you're 5'0" tall and weigh about 175 lbs.--big pant suits are the way to go sweetie--with heels as high and klunky as u can walk in.
4. stop telling me about your kids--i don't give a fuck. u told me u couldn't be bothered to take them 100 yards away to the god-damned ocean this summer...too much stuff to bring along... wow, you're really mom of the year.
5. stop telling me about your husband--again, i don't give a fuck. why? because any guy that is having sex w/ you ain't worth talking about. i feel sorry for him...but i don't want to piss him off because any guy that's man enough to climb on top of you is way more manly than i am.
6. stop telling me about your parents--i REALLY don't give a fuck.
7. u told me u got behind in e-mail and sent me a lead two weeks late. my job is to FIND customers sweetie, so when one calls me and wants to buy something, that is a really good thing...and BTW, it's how i pay my mortgage. but i'm really glad the new show "lost" is so entertaining. what the fuck is this "lost"? and why are u watching it when u should be forwarding me my leads?
8. the potential rep who i took out on a ride along, asked you, after u passed him over for the job, "is there anything that i could improve upon..." this is a legitimate request you idiot...and it made u angry that he would ask. why?
the guy's trying to see if it was his background, body language, etc, that caused him to lose the job...and make improvements if necessary. being the boss means sometimes having to tell someone the truth...even if that truth makes u uncomfortable.
9. u have taken more vacation time over the last 6 months than my 2 previous bosses and me...combined. our quotas are huge sweetie...and when we hit them we get paid way more money than we need...the trade-off is that we really can't leave our jobs for extended periods of time. going away for 2 weeks and refusing to answer phone calls or e-mails...that is fucking minor-league, soccer-mom bullshit. (nothing wrong w/ soccer moms-but be a soccer mom OR be my boss--NOT BOTH.)
10. ok...you're jewish...i get it. stop saying things like "oi vey" and referring to yourself as a "yenta" every minute. u and i were both born here, we're americans...so shut up.
11. you've been on six sales calls w/ me and i have yet to walk out of a client's office w/ paperwork when you are...please see the connection.
12. if you're following me to a sales call, please try to stay behind me. i'm not driving like a maniac and i don't have time to keep pulling over to let u catch up.
13. when i ask u for help, don't say..."that's not my job." i do many things that are technically "not my job". we're not hourly wage, union grunts, ok?
14. unfortunately, you were hired as a sales manager but u have never actually sold anything...i don't know how this happened but...please get a thick skin and stop taking everything so god-damned personally. you wanted to wear the "daddy pants" so deal with it.
15. at this particular job sweetie, the reps make more money than their bosses. so if you're going to say, "if i wanted to make a lot of money i'd just become a rep and take a territory"....you can't ALSO bitch about having to take a pay cut. that's like saying, "i love tropical weather, so i'm going to move to minnesota." fuck, the OJ Simpson jury made more sense.
16. if you have something to say to me, say it to ME. not to YOUR boss...he'll take your side at the meeting and sternly tell me to put myself in your shoes and be nicer to you. you'll feel vindicated after this but please realize that your boss views this as weakness on YOUR part. i'm only a dickhead salesman, he EXPECTS me to be a dick. he doesn't expect my boss to call him down to defend her like a fucking big brother.
17. when u buy lunch, and you order the fatty shit u eat, please order a regular soda, or water...washing down 1,000 calories of fat w/ a diet soda makes no sense...but i see every fat person doing it...just stop.
18. the muckety-mucks in nyc are not happy with your performance.
19. your old job just opened up...and i heard u were well-respected there.
20. please go back...i KNOW you're thinking about it...
SEE U NEXT WEEK SWEETIE.....
this is in or around w/out getting fired!!