Originally Posted: 2005-12-20 4:42pm
What I've Learned about Philly on CL over the Past 6 Months
1. Every person posting in Rant 'n Raves- whether the OP or someone responding to a post- is a repressed homosexual.
2. The English language now contains pejoratives such as "asshat," "fucktard" and other strange, twisted combinations of the words fuck, shit, cunt, asshole, pussy, tool, retard and dimwit that are used only on CL and nowhere else. I guess it is possible that these may be used in coded messages for the time and location of drug deliveries throughout the city.
3. I'm still not exactly sure what a "BBW" is. I just know that they post a lot on Women Seeking Men and that people who don't like them are allegedly insecure fucktards who are somehow in cahoots with the mainstream media.
4. Even if a woman on CL is not a BBW (whatever that is), the person is still stone ugly to almost everyone. An example would be Jennifer Aniston. Apparently, most men on CL would find her shallow, dead inside, not all that good-looking and hook up with girls much better looking than her every single weekend.
5. The same men who bitch about Jennifer Aniston follow up their supposed weekend escapades by answering Women Seeking Men ads from BBWs and then publically bitching about their rejections on Rant 'n Raves.
6. A lot of the dating pool in Philadelphia is very cheap. I have seen pages of debate on who should properly pay for a date. The tone of these posts suggest that potential couples have come to blows in two-star restaurants over who is picking up the $13 check for two orders of cous cous and a ginger ale. I have always assumed that it was the man who should pay, and that the man should be happy about it. If a girl insists on going Dutch, then face it- you are certainly not getting any from her any time soon.
7. A woman named "Cindy" posts a LOT on Casual Encounters, and she apparently has a lot of female friends who do, too. They're ALWAYS horny and always needs a man right away for good ol' fashioned NSA sex- even if you are broke, unemployed, not good-looking, drive a '76 Pinto and live with your parents. In fact, these types of guys REALLY turn them on! Who would have thunk it? It's funny, though- their reply e-mails always direct you to a pay pornography site and they never meet up with you. Hmmmm...
8. Philadelphia must have the highest concentration of grammar school English teachers in the country. This is why the increasingly rare post on CL that is actually funny, thought-provoking or intelligent is quickly followed up by at least a dozen posts chastizing the OP for misspelling the word "the" as "teh" in the fourteenth line of his otherwise perfectly spelled post.
9. Every male in this entire city is deeply obsessed with his own taint.
10. Every woman in this entire city thinks, like, their boyfriend is, like cheating on them or there is this guy that they work with and, like, they might be interested but they can't, like, tell because he's like 45 and he has a picture of his like 275 pound wife on his desk. Would he really, like, be interested in his 23 year-old secretary who weighs only 115 pounds and has, like, size DD tits? Like, what for?
11. The following people suck: niggers, jews, spics, fags, whiteys, dagos, crackers, wops, wetbacks, chinks, pollocks, South Philadelphians, Pats fans and JM.
12. Magister Ludi really sucks, too. (He really does, though.)
13. In addition to sucking, blacks don't tip.
14. Gay men will pay you for the pleasure of sucking YOUR dick. I always thought that the sucker- not the suckee- was the one to receive payment. Imagine being paid $50 for getting a blowjob? Man, I wish I was gay! I could pay my bills much, much easier!
15. Apparently, I am gay. Every post that may follow this one will tell me so. So will the 12 e-mails in my inbox stating, "I read your post on CL. Want to get 2gether for some hot action? Signed, Hairy Mike"
16. People don't like to shit at work- and when they do, they prefer to be alone in the bathroom.
17. Every husband in Philadelphia has no sex life and cheats on their wives. Unbeknownst to them, many of their wives are also cheating on their husbands.
18. Somebody, everybody or nobody has fucked someone named "Gretchen."
19. This post- like every other in Philadelphia- has no chance of ever making Best Of. Philadelphia posters hate everybody and everything so much that they could never vote anything Best Of even it truly was worthy. When was the last Best Of from Philly? 1999? (I'm not saying this is worthy- but even it was better than War and Peace, it would not receive any votes.)
20. People who post the V-word are very annoying.
I guess you guys really are a bunch of "loosers."
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