Ok, ok, I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking the very same thing. WTF? Batman’s got Wayne Manor, the Batmobile, a great bod, multiple advanced degrees, a utility belt with lots of great battery-powered Bat Gadgets. He can have any girl he wants, right? What is Batman doing placing an ad on Craigslist?
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You know, I just haven’t been able to find the woman for me through my normal channels. I mean, ok, I can go to a swank bar and find a to-die-for looking woman, start up a conversation with “Hello, I’m Bruce Wayne, do I know you yet?” and within four sentences ask her if she’s ever been to Wayne Manor and would she like a private tour. But these encounters often leave me feeling cold and empty. I find myself waking up in a cold sweat. I leave a note for Alfred to take care of her while I go downtown to fight some crime and blow off steam.
And you know, it’s kind of sick, I admit, but fighting crime has turned into a coping mechanism for me. I know that must sound terribly disappointing to you – especially if you had some idealized notion of me having some Buddha like quality that is motivated to a higher level to do good and bring justice to the world. And don’t get me wrong, that’s all a part of it, but nowadays it seems more and more like just a method of stress reduction and easy high from the adrenaline rush. If I didn’t know me better, I’d think it’s almost a compulsive or addictive behavior.
So, clearly I can meet women - that’s not the problem. The problem is that I can’t seem to connect in any deeper way with any of them. The women that I have connected with are now no longer single. My friends tell me – now these are my real friends down at the bowling alley and not my so-called “super-friends”. More on that later. No, now that I think about it, let’s get that out of the way right now.
I’m going to make a strong statement. I do not think that I can have a “true” friendship with a superhero. Now that may come as a total shock to you. And clearly, to a rational mind, that just doesn’t make any sense. I mean, what could be more natural. A superhero has certain unique issues to deal with. There’s the dual identity, the inability to share your whole self with non-superheroes, the odd hours, and the danger element – which is not insignificant. All of these factors make it a bitch to get to know and maintain real relationships with non-super folks. You would think the commonality between supermen and superwomen would create a natural bond and an esprit de corps. Which, yes, it does…but.
But these folks are an unhappy, vain, gossipy and bickering bunch. Is it some kind of law of nature that when someone is endowed with a superpower they also get a super-ego for free? It’s yak, yak, yak about who got first mention in the paper and is it page 1 or page 17. Am I working with superheroes or a ballet troupe for god sakes? And then there are the delusions of grandeur. One can make a case that when it comes to Superman, how much of a delusion can it be, but all the talk of “my Gift” and “my divine duty” makes me want to wretch. There’s a cult like feel to the Justice League that completely wigs me out. Get this, I actually had Grand Master Flash (he hates it when I call him that) come to me and say, “Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Savior.” Oh-my-fucking-god. He was totally serious.
And it’s not like I can really talk about these feelings with any of them. One time, I tried very gingerly to breach the subject with Superman. This is what he said to me. He turns to me with sad paternal eyes and in a totally patronizing tone says, “Do you think you feel this way because you don’t have a ‘real’ superpower?” I don’t fucking believe it. I wanted to grab Dickhead of Steel by the cape, point to my head and say, “Hey turd-for-brains, what do you call this?”
So if you’ve got a superpower and are thinking that it just might not work out between you and I. Let me give you an “A” for insight. You are probably right.
So anyway, as I was saying, my real friends are at the bowling alley down at the coast. These are real guys who will slap you on the back and buy me, Bruce Wayne, a PBR. If you are having a bad day, they will shake their heads and say stuff like, “That’s fucked up”, or “Life’s a bitch” and I know they mean it too.
Anyway, as I was saying, I was telling these guys about my inability to deeply connect with the women I’ve been meeting. One guy, Phil I think it was, turns to me and says, “Bruce. It sounds to me like you haven’t gotten over Catwoman.” That’s not the name I call her by with them, of course. I nod my head and just say, “Yeah”. There’s some truth to it. OK, there’s a lot of truth to it.
Now this is where all of you Internet dating veterans shake your heads and say, “Tssk tssk tssk”. Never reveal on your ad, of all things, that your carry-on baggage will not fit in the overhead compartment or the seat in front of you.
Let me just say this, it’s been over two years since I’ve been with Catwoman. And while that was the deepest and most passionate relationship I have ever had by far, I am over her. And she is over me. She’s with this new guy and been with him for some time now. I’m not sure what she’s getting out that relationship, because she doesn’t really seem happy to me. But there must something, because she is with him and not me. I wish her the best. Really, I do.
My bowling buddies say think that I idolize her - that because I look for Catwoman in each woman that I meet, any relationship is bound to fail. Well, I’ve thought on that quite a bit and sat with my feelings. At this point, I truly feel that I’ve grown and moved on.
So, if you are a fit and adventurous woman; if you are intelligent and stand up for yourself; if you fight for what you believe in; if you are passionate and available for a deep and loving relationship, I’d love to hear from you. Oh, and bonus points if you have a leopard outfit and are in to scratching.