To the drunk chick on Delta flight 1199 from Atlanta to Portland
We noticed you right away when you got on the plane – I mean, it would have been hard not to, what with your overly loud conversations on the phone with your friends regarding the NFL football player who bought you 4 shots of Patron in the airport bar after you already had a ton of drinks already. We were all really proud of you, and ever so happy to hear that you had exchanged numbers with him and you guys were such buddies and honey, I was crossing my fingers for you to hook up with him at some later date. We also sympathized with your requests for “something to smoke” when you got home, and by the way, thanks for keeping it so loud so that we could all share in that happy conversation. I think some of the older folks were particularly impressed.
I turned around to look at you (I was trying to be covert, but, silly me, you were too out of it to really notice) – and you looked like a typical Portland alternative type. Messily bleached hair with washed-out blue eyes and pale skin, tattoos on your arm. Some kind of black hat thing, nondescript clothing. I wouldn’t have taken a second look at you on the street if I had been walking by, you would have blended in with everyone else despite your earnest attempts to be original and different, but, hey, I gotta hand it to you. There was no way to ignore you on this flight.
I think the real stroke of luck is that a father and his 15-year old son sat in the two seats next to you. You were in the aisle, the father in the middle and the boy on the window. It was really nice of you to engage them in conversation. I’m sure they didn’t really want to watch the movie anyways. I remember reading bad reviews on it. It was also really nice of you to make sure that they got the name of your favorite band, which I believe was the Postal Service. Thanks for repeating that 17 times, I myself missed it the first 5 times (I could have kicked myself!) even though I was in the row in front of you - and so was glad to get a recap. Sometimes it's a little hard to understand slurred speech, and it was good that you took that into consideration.
It was also really great how you kept offering your seatmates liquor and telling them you wanted to get drunk with them – well, I suspect you meant that you wanted them to get drunk too, as you were already there, but whatever. I actually didn’t think the flight attendant would serve you – but you clever girl, you got around that didn’t you! Sneaky little devil, snatching Tanqueray bottles out of the cart when she wasn’t looking!
I really felt for you when the dad told you he didn’t drink on planes and his son pointed out that he was underage. I think you were entirely within your rights to reach out over the father and try to pour drinks for his son. I mean, age is just a number, and if the kid wanted to party with you, what right did his father have to stop you guys from living it up? I also want to congratulate you on your persistence. Most people would have given up after the first, I don’t know, 5 attempts, but you, you kept it up!
I was also aghast at the dad’s behavior when after swatting your hands away for the umpteenth time he finally asked you to cut it out. I want to congratulate you for standing up for yourself. It was wonderful to hear such a comprehensive list of expletives from the seat behind me, and with such impressive volume too! It was also great how you called the flight attendant over and accused the father of sexual harassment. I know that people are sometimes really harassed and that that’s a horrible thing that shouldn’t be taken lightly, but you were very clever for using it to your advantage in this situation, and that doesn’t cheapen it at all!
At this point, I want to apologize for my behavior. For some reason, I (and a few other passengers too oddly enough) felt the need to speak up and say what really happened. I’m really sorry for telling the flight attendant that you were drunk and bothering the father and his son, who were being very very patient. I don’t know what got into me.
So, anyways, I guess the flight attendant walked you to the galley in the back of the plane, but good for you for not letting something go! It got all boring and quiet when you left and I think the baby up a few rows actually went back to sleep, so it was great when you charged back up and started yelling at everyone again. By the way, I hadn’t realized (particularly given the NFL player conversation) that you were gay, but I’m really sorry if everyone was discriminating against you because of it. If we were, we apologize, see, we didn’t know you were gay, and we may have committed some gaffes out of ignorance. I want to thank you for alerting us to our homophobia. I take discrimination seriously and would never want to be party to such a thing.
That was great how you stood up to the flight attendant at that point (my favorite was when you shook your finger in her face), and good for you for knowing how to use the legal system to your advantage. I hope you do sue the flight attendant and Delta and the dad and his son, and all of us as well, although I’m not quite sure what your case will be. However, given your clearly sharp acumen you should be able to come up with some contrived accusation that is sure to work in a court of law.
Anyways, things got quiet for a while then, other than the flight attendant giving us incident reports to fill out, but I must admit, I was a little worried when I went to the bathroom and heard you yelling at the flight attendant. See, I just wanted to get home, and I was scared she might carry out her clearly inappropriate request that you take a seat immediately or the flight was going to be diverted so that you could be arrested immediately. I was just so tired, you see, and plus I get the feeling that that's not necesarily a light thing nowadays. Thanks for finally giving in and taking a seat.
And, last, that was great how you kept running up to our seats and slamming your hand on the overhead bins and yelling out stuff like “poser.” I wasn’t quite sure what we were posing, so I figured it was just your attempt to shift the objects in the overhead bins so that they might fall on our heads when we landed and tried to get them out. That was a clever move, although we did take caution so no one actually got hurt.
So, anyways (sorry I can be so long winded!) I have a question for you. Did the three cops that pulled you aside when we landed take you to jail for the night?
I hope they gave you the softest bed at the jail. I really do.
The chick in 30A
this is in or around PDX