Originally Posted: 2004-11-21 3:22am

Stop trying to steal from my laundromat

Dear Would-Be Thieves-

Leave my laundromat alone, okay? I'm just a guy trying to run a neighborhood business. I know you want money, or stuff you can sell. You'll get neither from my place. Let me break it down for you.

You see those two doors with the locks on them? I bet that looks pretty tempting. In your eyes, I might as well hang up a sign saying "Look, valuable stuff in here." Nope. Behind the first door is cleaning supplies. If you break into that room you'll be rewarded with a dirty mop and small boxes containing Cheer (1 load) or Bounce dryer sheets (qty 2). Oh, and some spare washing machine hoses.

Behind the second door is the "office". Does it have a safe? No. Does it contain expensive tools? No. It has a pair of pliers, an old hammer, and a screwdriver. I would post a picture but the stuff in there is so worthless that it's not a good use of my time to track down a camera, take a picture, print it, etc. That room is where the mail goes and where I store small drawers of screws, nuts, and bolts. That is its full "office" purpose. Oh, it does have a cell phone, but after the *third one* was stolen, I put in one that has my name etched into the back (and on the inside). The phone doesn't light up, it doesn't ring (it does vibrate), and the left side of the keypad doesn't work unless you push the buttons with a pen. After I dropped it in a sink full of water, I thought, "Man, this thing is worthless now. I'll put it in the laundromat." So, that's what you'd be getting.

What about the washing machines and dryers? Guess who designed the security on these things. Not me. Although I like to think I'm pretty smart, I don't have the time, resources, or experience to design and build a security system that would protect the little change boxes. Instead, it was designed by companies with DECADES of security experience. I've taken apart washing machines before and even after every single screw is removed you still can't get into the change box without the key. And if you drill through the lock cylinder, it's still locked! It's genius!

The change machine. A good target, right? Full of bills and quarters (well, not bills since I remove them 3 or 4 times a week to be safe). Take a look at it. You see that lock on the side? That's one of 6 locks you need to get through to get to the money. Those next two locks that you assholes tried to drill through last week? I bet you were pretty surprised when your drill bit stopped an 1/8 of an inch in. I don't know what kind of alloy the locks are made of but it's clearly pretty strong (thanks, Medeco!).

(While I admire your accuracy with the drill, and your ingenuity of patching the hole in the painted-black steel with electrical tape, I have to ask: How did you afford the drill and the super-strong bit? Did you steal those too? Maybe you bought them with the "earnings" from another "job" and you're working you way up. Good career path. I'm sure you'll be the next Thomas Crown or Catwoman - depending on your gender).

Back to the change machine. Even if you somehow managed to get through those first three locks, there are 2 *more* locks before you can even open the door and 1 more inside before you can get to the money. Again, SECURITY designed by SECURITY EXPERTS. Once, someone tried to cut the machine away from the wall with a hacksaw. They didn't get very far. Even if they had managed to get it off its base, it weighs a ton. Quarters aren't light, you know. And the machine itself? Well over 200 pounds of metal (that's what it says in the manual). A car once crashed through the exterior wall of the building. You know what stopped it? The change machine. That's how well secured it is. Leave it alone.

You know what I don't care about? The Coke machine. It's not mine and it barely pays for the massive amount of electricity it uses. If someone loses their money in it, I refund them out of the kindness of my heart. Coke doesn't pay me back. If you really, really need to target something, "Coke is it". I'm not a fan of big corporations, anyway. Still, it's better that you don't steal at all.

My insurance deductible is high, so everytime you break something in your endevors, I have to pay for it out of my own pocket. I'm sick of it. This last one is going to cost me several hundred dollars. And you've never gotten anything of value! I'm not saying you're incompetent. I'm sure you're quite good at, uh, whatever it is you do. But you need to pick your targets better. My laundromat? Not a good target. Go somewhere else.

this is in or around SE Portland

post id: 49731916

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