Originally Posted: 2004-11-03 2:21pm

Draft Dodging 101 - To bugger the draft, bugger a friend

Scared of being drafted? Looking for a way out? Well the military has provided you with one. With the military's anti-gay stance you have four easy options for dismissal. So when Uncle Sam send you your papers just choose to:

1) Shag a fag - The nation is full of man ass in need of fulfillment. Do your civic duty by pleasuring a booty. Don't think you're UP to the job? Think the image of a twig and berries hanging between a pair of hairy man's legs will keep Biff from getting stiff? Well modern science has provided us with the wonderful miracle of Viagra. Just pop a pill and Little Bill will be standing up and saluting you in no time. Then just stick it to Mick, take a pic and send the image snail mail back to your recruiter. You rejection will come faster than a gay man fucking Vin Diesel.

Not a pooper scooper? Then try:

2) Steer the queer – Interesting fact. There are an equal number of male mouths as there are men’s asses. That said, if you’re not into a hairy dingleberry back attack, consider a full frontal assault. Apparently gay men give the best head. I know what you’re thinking, “Some scruffy faced guy's mouth on my cock? No way!” There are from five to ten clean shaven gay guys in the Greater Portland area. The gay community should be able to give you their names and addresses. Then approach one of these guys with your proposition (he’ll say yes, clean shaven gay men are notoriously skanky). I recommend any Jenna Jameson video to help get you in the mood and forget it’s a dude slobbin’ your knob. Then click a pic and snail mail.

Now if these don’t work to get you out of service then you recruiter is desperate for body bag filler. And desperate times… Set up that camcorder and:

3) Take it up the bum chum – There are millions of nerve endings in your bunghole. So IF YOU HAVE TO go this route, at least know you’ll get some pleasure out of it. An ex of mine would slip her finger in there while she blew me, and it always sent me over. So just imagine the feeling you’ll get from Todd’s rigid rod giving your prostate a high five! And the best thing about this, since you’re facing away you can always imagine it’s Salma Hayek with a strap on… I’m gonna need a few minutes.

…Whew!!! I’m back. So did that work? NO! Did you mail the video? Then it’s time for the last resort. You’ve got to:

4) Give head to Ned – So you’re at Boot Camp and things look bleak. Keep your chin up kid, cause you’ll soon have balls flying toward it, and shortly there after, you’ll be on your way home. Millions of gay men, and untold number of those wonderful goddesses called women, have an intimate knowledge of two close friends: Kneel and Bob. It’s time you get to know them. First buy some dye remover to get rid on the ugly green in your fatigues. Then dye them a nice hot pink. When you’re awakened at 04:30 don your swanky new duds and report for inspection. Your Drill Sergeant (let’s call him Charles) will definitely notice. When he comes over to berate you don’t say a word. Simply drop to your knees, make a grab for his pants, and try to suck “Drill” Sergeant Chuck. After a few months recovering from the beating you receive, you’ll be free to go.

post id: 47755650

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