Originally Posted: 2004-10-13 9:55pm
Fuck you, Butter Lady!
This is for you Butter Lady. Every week, you turn 40 hours of my life into a freak show and I fucking hate you for it.
If I could summarize why I hate you, I would. Somehow summing it up as "you're the bastard child of Minnie Pearl and Corky from Life Goes On" or "you're a passive-aggressive fucktard" or "somebody's demented grandma" trivializes the depth of your evil. I want the world to know that you worship at the altar of Satan so here's a brief account of you and the deplorable acts of which you are capable:
1. Butter eating. Have you ever seen someone eat an ENTIRE FUCKING STICK OF BUTTER with NOTHING ELSE????? I have and it's all thanks to you, you sick motherfucker. Every day you bust out the stick o' butter, cut it into pats and then pop them one by fucking one into your filthy mouth like they were big, fatty bonbons. Trust me people once you've witnessed this image you can never, ever get it out of your head. It's worse than seeing your parents fucking.
2. The See-Through Black Lace Shirt. One time the Butter Lady and I had a conversation about the wildly varying temperature of our office. Actually it was more like her complaining about being too hot, calling the building maintenance to get them to turn down the heat, then bitching about the cold and calling again. I explained that I always wear layers so I can peel down if I need to. GOD WHY DID I SAY THAT? A few weeks later I looked up from my desk to see the Butter Lady peeling herself down to a see-through black, lace shirt with a white bra underneath! This would be acceptable in a whorehouse or perhaps a strip club if the person wearing the peek-a-boo shirt weren't PUSHING 70!!!! Then it's not fucking acceptable EVER! Again, almost worse than seeing your parents doing the nasty.
3. Incessant Babble. Nobody in the office wants to talk to the Butter Lady because she's crazy so guess what she does to keep from feeling lonely? She talks to herself. I'm watching her right now as she prattles on about her work and punctuates her ramblings with "Ooos" and "Ohhs," but that's not even the worst part! Most of the time we can hear exactly what she's saying and frequently she's complaining about us! Example: "Stupid, Stupid, Stupid (her mantra). He's so stupid, how could he have missed that?" BITCH, I AM RIGHT FUCKING HERE AND I HEAR YOU!!! Are you so socially retarded that you don't know I'm sitting right here or is this a case of projecting your stupidness onto others? Occasionally she gets so worked up about us and how stupid we are, she breaks into a song! I'm not bullshitting here. The words of the song usually involve the word "stupid" and the tune is a lot like the weird sounds that the Skeksi made in that move The Dark Crystal.
4. Stereo Wars. Butter Lady likes two kinds of music: Country and Western (and sometimes Enya). She had her radio with her music and we had our radio with music for non-neandertals. The rest of us took turns bringing CDs and being DJ for the night, but apparently Butter Lady couldn't stand for us to drown out her babble so she complained to our boss about our "Beat Music." (Beat music is her term for any music that isn't C&W. ) The boss asked us to keep the stereo turned down, but we have mix CDs and some of the songs are louder than others. When a slightly louder song comes on, do you know what Butter Lady does? She sure doesn't ask us to turn it down! No, that's what normal people would do. Instead she turns her stereo up LIKE A FUCKING 8TH GRADER! Then she goes and tells our boss. Somewhere there's a jug band wondering where their only groupie went.
5. Stupid's Poster Child. Remember that horrible fucking movie Forrest Gump? Remember all those trite and obnoxious Gumpisms? Remember "stupid is as stupid does?" Somebody ought to make a poster with just a picture of Butter Lady and that phrase because never has it been more meaningful or accurate. Yesterday I watched her call a person from IT to help her do an online survey. A FUCKING SURVEY!!!!
There's more to it than just these examples, but by now you can see that this lady is deep throating Satan's cock. She's my nemesis, and it is clear to me now what I must do. I must do everything I can to annoy her...that and I gotta find a new job. When I do, I'll be leaving Butter Lady a little present: a butter sculpture....shaped like a cock and balls. That's right bitch, I hope you choke on it.
this is in or around I'm in hell. Help me.