10. I won't use the words Retro, Vintage or Shabby Chic to describe it.
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9. I won't tell you how much I paid for it at a vintage/antique store on Hawthorne/NW 23rd/in The Pearl three years ago and try to convince you that itís still worth the same amount Ė maybe even more because it is three years older now, so that makes it even more Ďvintageí right?
8. I wonít tell you that the cat scratches on the fronts of the arm rests give it Ďcharacterí; they donít. They make it look kind of crappy. Not super crappy, but kind of. I also wonít tell you that all it needs is a cover. The arms are clawed; of course it would look better with a cover. But those suckers are expensive, even at Target. Why would you spend $25 on a couch and then drop $200 on a cover? Either donít mind scratched arms, already have a couch cover just waiting to be put to use, or keep looking and invest the extra $$ in a couch that doesn't need a cover in the first place. This is Craigís List for godís sake, youíll find something eventually.
7. I wonít tell you itís never been peed on/thrown up on/or otherwise sullied with human fluids. I can tell you it hasnít been in the past three years because thatís how long Iíve had it, but before that itís anybodyís guess. Itís a 50-year-old-couch; chances are something nasty has happened on it at some point in its life. If youíre that worried about it, spend more than $25 and get something new. Come to think of it, there was the one weekend my friends from L.A. stayed in the same room with it and they havenít been dating all that long, and we did drink a lot, so god only knows what they might have done on it. There are no stains. It doesnít smell. Thatíll have to be good enough.
6. Itís comfortable. Look at Xena. Doesnít she look comfortable? No sense arguing, thatís a happy, comfortable dog. Right after I took this picture, she flopped on her back and put all four paws up in the air as if to say, ďI am Xena. Look at how relaxed and happy I am. Now scratch my belly and fill my Kong with peanut butter and meat, please.Ē It was adorable. My partner used to nap on it when he Ďworked from homeí. I think itís a little short for a good nap, but it never seemed to bother him.
5. Completely neutral color. Practically invisible. Itís more pinky than beige but not salmon and not really taupe. Itíll go with any color scheme you have going, but if youíre really worried about your Ďcolor schemeí, again, you should probably spring for a couch that costs more than $25 and doesnít have kitty-clawed arms.
4. Makes a good hat stand. See how cool my hats look resting on the back of it? Nice, huh?
3. I wonít try to sell you on it by saying it would be great for your porch. Do people actually purchase couches to put on their porches? I thought thatís where couches ended up if they were posted on Craigís List and no one wanted them. Either there, or on the side of the road with a ĎFREEí sign on them. Itís not the greatest couch in the world, but itís not that bad. Itís worthy of the actual interior of a dwelling at least. Sheesh.
2. I spell-checked this entire post. Iím pretty sure most of the punctuation is even right, but itís been a while since Iíve pulled out the old Strunk & Whiteís and this is already taking about four times as long as I thought it would, so if I used a few too many commas or dangled a couple of participles, deal with it. Or go bitch about what a moron I am in R&R, I could care less.
1. It needs to go today, itís really cheap, and itís on the main floor of the house so no hauling it up/down stairs (well, except for the front porch, but that doesnít really count because it's like five steps). The first person who can arrange to show up with a truck, $25 cash, and at least one person who can lift an end of it (my partnerís at home and he can lift the other end) before 5 p.m. gets it. Email me!
Note: Dog and hats are NOT included.
this is in or around SE