LA Fitness Yesterday (locker room etiquette)
While I'm at it, let's go over some basic yet intuitive (for those who actually get life) rules for locker room etiquette - these are things I have seen at one time or another - in no particular order:
1. Get in get out. Don't dally in the locker room. It is not a place to socialize and stand around talking or reading the newspaper. When you linger in the locker room you are taking up valuable real-estate. People don't want to be on top of each other when they are changing and the longer you stay in there the more likely it is that it will start to get cramped. I really don't want to be sitting on the bench putting some socks on with some guy bending over in front of me exposing a hairy black hole inches from my face because you are in the way with the fucking newspaper.
2. No talking on the cell phone. This could go along with number one, but it needs to be mentioned in a separate line. Nobody is interested in hearing you make an appointment for your next colonic, and we're not impressed hearing you make deals with your stock broker, you are a legend in your own mind and you're not impressing anyone. In fact it demonstrates you are an idiot. Or are you really trying to take pictures? Either way you need to get out of the locker room, and not pretend to talk on the phone. Do you actually get off on the sights, smells and sounds of this room to want to stay there any longer than you need to? If so you're sicker than I thought.
3. Use a lock on your locker! It's nice that you trust nobody will steal your shit, but at the same time this is a visual indicator for others coming into the locker room where you are setting up shop. This way as other members enter the locker room they can see where the locks are placed and try to spread things out a bit and not end up on top of each other. I look around think, great I have this whole row to myself, then suddenly your sweaty ass appears opens the door next to mine and proceed to get undressed, all the while getting a good whiff of your butt cheese. Does anyone really like that smell?
4. PLEASE no foot powder on the floor! If I want foot powder I will buy my own. What makes you think you can spread this shit everywhere and that others are going to want to use it too? If you have foot problems I wouldn't be advertising it so if you can't keep it on just your foot don't use it.
5. For christ sakes wear a towel. I'm not interested in seeing your parts swinging around the room, there's nothing special going on down there, in fact why would you think anyone will want to look at it? Believe me it is disgusting to see you shaving in the mirror completely naked with hair protruding from your ass crack, have some decency man and cover it. Your wife should be explaining this to you at home, she might have been into it at one time, but I promise she is not anymore. If you are going to sit on the bench put a towel down or here's a novel idea - wear underwear - keep it covered for christ sakes. The thought of your ass crack spreading open and putting your stink down grosses me out. Also the guy with the foot powder might have just been there spreading his fungus and now your ass is really going to be hurtin.
6. Shower usage - if it is one of those shower areas with no curtains and there are two rows of showers with an aisle down the middle, use the same side as the people already in there. I'm not interested in you taking the shower across the aisle from me. I don't want to exchange pleasantries as you wash the Johnson and and spread your ass lathering up and bent over in an awkward looking stance trying to get the shower spray down there. If I wanted to shower with someone I would do it with my my paramour. I don't want to see it and I don't want you to be staring at me either.
7. The scale - other people use it too, please don't just jump out of the shower and use it. I don't run around in there with my clean bare feet - I wear socks instead. I can't get on the scale because you dripped all over it and I don't want my socks wet the rest of they day in my shoes. Think about the others in the room - it is not all about you.
8. Benches - they are a place to sit down. Not pile up your crap while you take a sauna and shower. WTF are we supposed to do when your shit is all over the bench and we need to sit to put our socks and shoes on? It's great you see the room as your house but perhaps next time I'll see it as my house and do a little cleaning of my own and throw all your shit away.
9. Muddy shoes - I don't fucking get it. Why would you walk in from your construction site and get mud everywhere? I wouldn't come to your home and trounce through your place spreading dirt everywhere. If anyone hasn't told you it is a locker room and other people use it too. I don't want to get out of the shower all clean and have to walk through your muck. If you know you'll be muddy bring an extra change of shoes and put them on before you enter. I know the smartest people in the world don't go to the club, so here's a hint - If your feet are filled with dry dirt, it comes off too, and guess what - turns to mud when it gets wet - Moron.
10. In the shower - shampoo your head and wash your body only. It is not a place to shave your dick and face. Your dick you can take care of at home, I don't want to see it. The face can be done in the sink area outside the shower area - with your towel on. The more time you spend in the shower the more likely it is that other people are going to need in and use it too, we don't want to pile up in there, waiting for the little prince to get all spiffed up. Also I don't want to be the one in there next getting your hairs all over my feet. Why would you think I would like to walk into this?
11. In the sink area. If you are going to shave, wipe up after yourself and keep it covered. Grab a paper towel and clean it up.
12. In the toilet. OK, so you drank heavily the night before had a huge dinner and suddenly its pushing at the back door, great for us huh?! Guess what - we don't want to puke. I almost did a few weeks ago - as if hearing the explosion weren't bad enough the smell drifted around the corner and thirty feet away - it took everything I had to stay conscious. While you should not be denied the use of the fixtures - please flush often, and better yet try to push it out at home first.
13. Clean up after yourself, in the locker and shower areas. Why would you leave your bandages in the shower area? WTF - I'm supposed to use the shower now and have whatever affliction ails you now oozing down between my toes? Razors, soap wrappers, soap - like I'm going to pick that up and use it after being exposed to your ass crack with your ass hairs all over it. Take it away with you. Your mother, who performed an act many years ago (again - great for us, huh?) that resulted in the - apple in her eye - does not live at the gym and is not going to come in and clean up after you. You're not the apple in her eye anymore and you sure the hell ain't in mine. YOU NEED TO PICK IT UP.
For anyone who can't come in and leave a locker room as you found it, you are nothing more than a disgusting animal. Be courteous of others and keep this kind of shit at home.
- Location: Vancouver Hazel/Dell
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