Originally Posted: 2003-12-05 11:25am
Corporate Christmas Cheer
I am writing this letter to satisfy your formal R.S.V.P. requirements regarding the company Christmas party. I regret to inform you that I will not be able to attend this year, but I am pleading that my decision will not affect my annual performance review as has been rumored to be the consequence of declining your offer.
Sir, may I just mention that I think your event is the best thing all year. I mean, if there is one thing I LOVE about working here for you, it is that you have your Assistant work so hard at putting it together for us every year.
I hear it is going to be a gala event at your house again. I’m so disappointed that I will not be able to zip on over and play in your mansion. Oh the joy to see what the company’s money has bought for someone so special - Italian leather sofas and expensive china. Sure, I’m a little jealous when I think of how little we make in comparison to everything you have, but don’t worry about it. I mean, fine china wouldn’t look good in my run down silly old studio apartment anyways. I’m sure I can buy myself some nice plastic plates and silverware with the $15 gift certificates you give us each year. Oh wait, I guess I won’t be getting one because I hear that they are only given to the people who come to your house.
I’m really missing out. Oh to think that we all can have such a scrumptious dinner together and watch as you tell your jokes about how much we are eating and how much this catered dinner has flattened your bank account. I have always loved that part. Sometimes I have ordered a side of sauce just to watch the way your face gets that Christmas cheer cringe when you announce to everyone that I will have to foot the cost of my extra little dipping dish. Oh I just love the way the caterers look at you when you make these jokes. I assure you, we are all very amused.
I really appreciate the no-alcohol policy, as well. What a great idea! I mean why would any of your hard working employees feel as though they deserved a thirsty alcohol filled beverage after working non-paid overtime days? I can certainly see the damaging risks you may be taking by allowing ourselves to get loose and comfortable. With that said, I really owe you an apology. For the past few years, I have slipped myself and a few colleagues rum and vodka in our virgin drinks. In fairness, though, I felt that the Jim Beam liquid induced courage was necessary when you demanded that I dance with your pimple pocketed son who was ten years my junior. Please do tell him I’m sorry about vomiting on his shoes.
Please let everyone know that I am sorry I will not be there. It will be one less player in the white elephant gift exchange. Oh well. I wouldn’t have been able to afford the mandated $25 gift that everyone needs to bring to play, and I tend to get a bit ornery when I spend money on a gift only to have the secretary you are sleeping with take it from my hands. Last year was mortifying when I ended up with the edible underwear! By the way, I gave them to your secretary. I hope you two enjoyed them.
Sir, I apologize that I will not be able to attend your party this year because I think (sniffle, sniffle) I’m accccckkkkkk um um um coming down with a cold. Honestly. I would go home right now if it weren’t for the fact that we do not get sick pay.
Thank you for your time. I appreciate your understanding.
What’s that? Oh. Uh. Really? Okay then.
I’ll just collect my things.