I Reserve the Right to Refuse Service
1. Yes, foreplay is necessary. I’m not asking for a two hour make out session, but COME ON – you could at least indulge me a little by offering a few soft kisses and perhaps a nipple tweak or two. I am not your fluffer and contrary to what you may believe, I DO need to be touched. Disclaimer: Waking up in the middle of the night to your balls pressed against my forehead is not foreplay.
2. The porno flicks you obsessively watch are feeding you with incorrect information. I do not like to “take it in the face”. If I love you, I will even swallow, but listening to your half ass cackle as I’m being showered with sticky paste is NOT my idea of a good time.
3. Do not pass gas around or on me. EVER. This includes before, during or after the actual event. Remember that we place our toothbrushes in the cabinet so that they aren’t near the particles of a flushing toilet. Think about this!! Your rear end isn’t that far from my nose and I don’t want to be reminded of “what lies beneath”.
4. Trim. For pete’s sake. I have dental floss at home, thank you very much.
5. Spontaneity is the spice of life, but not bathing is not spontaneous and is, therefore, NOT alluring. Prepare yourself. Oh, and make sure you soap off appropriately. If you don’t, it’s reminiscent of my childhood days when my parents washed my mouth out with soap for saying naughty words. I DO NOT want that visual in my head when I am trying to please you.
6. Old fraying underwear with holes, burns, or skids is not “charming” even if you insist that the excess holes provide for easy access. I will get there in time. Dress it up a little.
7. Please do NOT mumble on and on about how you are concerned that you may be choking me. I enjoy pleasing you, but it makes me want to retort with “yes, you’re choking me. The damn thing is so small it is getting lost in my throat”.
8. Can you please keep any and all critters off of the bed. Yes, it is very sweet that you love and pamper your animals. However, I do not find it appealing to have some confused fury feline staring me in the face while I’m having any type of intercourse. Ick.
9. No, your friends cannot watch, we cannot add a third person and no it wouldn’t be “really really neat if we put this on video”
10. And lastly (but not least), do NOT clean me up with your old gym sock!! Seriously. Am I not worth at least a towel?
P.S. The 11th item on this list for all you hopefuls goes as such “Do NOT assume that you can send me any emails stating that somehow you can pleasure me or hint that somehow you will miraculously provide the perfect penis and posture for future endeavors”. Be advised that if you do, you too will find that I have refused the right to service.