best of craigslist > portland > A Letter from Chip
Originally Posted: 2003-10-16 11:03am

A Letter from Chip

Dear Self,

Hi. It’s me, Chip. You know . . . off the old block. Listen buddy, I’ve been sitting here on your shoulder for a quite awhile now, and I think it is about frick’n time you acknowledge and respect me.

Seriously, man, you treat me like I don’t even exist. Do you know how that feels?! Like Friday night, for instance, when that big, angry, leathery man came up to you at the bar and said “Hey, what’s up, you got a Chip on your shoulder or something?” You could responded with “Why, yes I do and he’s doing just fine” or “Why don’t you talk to Chip directly, he’s sitting right here”. But oh no, not you. Instead you decide to take me on some wild ass ride throwing punches at this guy. I have to say, man, what the hell were you thinking? Geesh, that guy really beat the crap out of you, but did you care that I was injured along the way? No! Did you care that my stomach was punched and my nose was bloodied. No! You didn’t even ask how I was doing when you peeled yourself off the floor! Schmuck.

So Saturday I’m just wanting to sit back and nurse my wounds. I was excited to see that you decided against disco night because I was sick and tired of being jerked around. Everything was finally getting better. Then the doorbell rings and in walks in your drama queen girlfriend. Boooooo hoooooo hoooooo hooooo . . . . sob, sob, sob . . . on and on and on. Crying on your shoulder and drenching my ass in salty tears. I was completely soaked and looked like a coal miner from the pounds of mascara that came plummeting over my head. You, JERK, spend your entire time consoling this bitch and just leave me to wipe up the mess. Not only that but I had to go for wild ride #2 as you and she decide to do the sweaty man tango under the sheets. I’m suffocating and hanging on for dear life on the slippery slope of your satin sheets and you don’t even bother to ask if I’m okay!! Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to sit that close to someone who is moaning and wailing and yelling things like “awwwww mummy thinks you’ve been a bad boy”. There was some serious perversions going on there, buddy.

Oh, and the one time that you lower yourself to noticing me at all is when you need something! Do you even remember what you said on Monday? Your boss is like, “I’m not sure what’s been up with you lately, but your attitude needs improvement.” You son of a bitch – you blamed it on me! “Sorry boss, I just feel like I’ve had this Chip on my shoulder lately”. I’m thinking – duh, I’ve been here the whole time ASSHOLE. It’s not my frick’n fault that your boss is pissed off. Man, you have NO conscience.

Screw this man. I’M FED UP!! If you don’t start treating me with some DAMN respect around here, there WILL be consequences. Yeah that's right, I might just have to conspire with the bee in your bonnet, and together we WILL make your life total shit.

Consider yourself warned.

*




post id: 17803516

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