Dear Roomie: I have a huge-ass crush on you - w4m
I have a huge-ass crush on you.
You moved in about a week ago, and while obviously I allowed you to move in because I thought you were a nice guy and we seemed to get along rather well, I didn't realize just HOW nice you actually were. You are JUST ADORABLE. JUST FUCKING ADORABLE.
Can I tell you how jealous I was this weekend when your "friend" came up to visit? By the way, I am MUCH cuter than her - she dressed from out of the 80s and I think she ACTUALLY had a PERM which I didn't even know you could get done anymore. By the way, she's either starting to lose her hair or the perm destroyed it and that's why it was thin. I am NOT saying that in jest, it's just something I think you might want to know and I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO ulterior motives for drawing your attention to that. Okay, I lied here. I do have ulterior motives. Really, think carefully here dear roomie- do you want to date a bald chick? That's even worse than a perm chick.
Okay, so she was nice- she screamed niceness. I'm sure she smiles at babies in the grocery store and gives her friends Hallmark cards at Christmastime and tears up at Hollywood romantic comedies during the final moment when the previously warring genetically superior couple realizes their deep love for each other and also she probably helps old ladies walk across the street and doesn't roll her eyes at how slow they walk. I'll give you that - but she's somewhat of a dullard I think. Me? Not so nice, not always (although I was all butter wouldn't melt in MY mouth to your friend all weekend). But - I am WAY WAY smarter than her. You can do better. In fact, might I suggest you do me?
Incidentally, was there a reason that you hurridly told me, while this friend was in the bathroom, that you had dated her a while back but that she wanted to be serious and you said no way? And that now it was just a casual thing. Was there a reason you wanted me to know this? I noticed you spoke rapidly and kept an careful eye on the bathroom door. Because, you know, I think it's great that you guys are casual. I think it would be even better if you guys were SO casual that maybe you talked on the phone once every couple of months AT MOST, and you know, absolutely NEVER EVER had sex. That would be completely and totally cool with me.
I gotta tell you, it was JUST KILLING ME to know that you guys were in your room together. I'm pretty sure I directed some pathetically sad and longing glances towards your bedroom door which, luckily there was no one around to see as I was in the living room alone morosely reading the newspaper and cursing fate. Nuts.
You're a nice guy and I don't want to fuck up the living situation, so you should know that in the future, when I am drunk, I will probably avoid you. This is not because I don't like you, as might be evident from the preceeding portions of my letter, but more because being drunk makes me, um, well gosh, kind of hot to trot I guess. You, however, are more than welcome to make a pass at me if you're iniebriated. In fact, you are encouraged to do so. I insist.
Okay roomie. See you later tonight at home.
Your loving roomate.