To the BEST/WORST ever!
I'm finally rid of you. I don't think you understand what a tripper you really are. More than half of the things you muttered during our relationship were so whacked, it's shocking "they" allow you outdoors. I've never dated anyone like you; hell, I've never even met anyone like you. Such drama, such chaos, so much pain. Everything was like a bad movie, a never-ending bad movie. A relationship with you is exactly like masturbating with a fist full of broken glass glued in place.
I have a few tips for you. Don't ever say to another person, "I'm so glad I'm rich. There's no way you'll leave me." Don't ask anyone, "If you were dangling your Mom or me off a cliff, you'd keep me, right?" Never beg, "Lets just have kids, please?" Oh yeah, I hate to break it to you but most people aren't interested in being urinated on. Thanks, but no thanks. There's not a day that passes (since we broke up) that I don't thank my lucky stars for your obvious short-comings. Had you not made the terrible mistakes you did, we'd probably still be together.
Why you ask? Well, I've never had better sex with anyone. Holy shit we were evil in the sack! I've never felt so much passion with someone I had such little respect for. We made the damn paint melt off the walls. My neighbors thought crimes were being committed. The lights were flickering, seemingly on their own. My sheets became a tidal wave of what you'd probably call, love. Dogs were barking, crows were crowing, possums we popping under speeding UPS truck tires. The world revolved around us. Two love-making professionals, meeting in the night. I still can't believe how well we connected physically, and how poorly we connected mentally. Why did it go on for so long? It's quite obvious: the sex, the sex, the sex.
Do you really think your ideas about the world are something you should share with another person? Have you ever considered putting a filter on the things you say? You don't honestly feel the way you do about your life, do you? Are you really this blind? Shouldn't you be in a padded room somewhere, sedated for eternity?
You may be surprised to hear this, but I'm glad I met you. It'll be the benchmark for all future meetings. I'll never forget you. I want to continue laughing at our moments together for the rest of my life. When I'm old and about to die, I'll utter these last three words through my tears:
"Interesting first date."
Thanks for BEST/WORST dinner and one night stand ever. May some sort of god have mercy on your soul.