An open letter to the boys I've lied to
So, sometimes when I’m out on the town and I get a little bored, I spice things up for myself by telling lies about my profession. They’re always believed. In any case, I started feeling a little guilty on Friday night when this very nice man started giving me a pep talk about how I needed to be more proud about my imaginary job after I pretended to be knocking it. I have resolved to stop this behavior, and I would like to let all the boys out there know that if you meet a girl who works these particular jobs, it’s a lie. Stop me if you do, and tell me I’m being mean.
Following is a list of my imaginary jobs.
1. Zoo Keeper. I do not work at the Portland Zoo. I am not currently working in ungulates, but hoping to move up to carnivores. I suspect that you can actually tell alot about an animal from its feces, but this is a guess. I do not have a beef with the lady who works with the hippopotamuses, and I really don’t know if she’s a bitch or not. In fact, I’ve never even been to the Portland Zoo and I don’t know if they even have hippos or not. I also don’t know if the elephant keeper is having an affair with the lady that runs the zoo cam. All of those things are lies.
2. Professor. I am not a Portland State University psychology professor. I cannot tell, on the basis of your dreams, whether or not you suffer from some sort of pathology. I did not work in a mental home to make extra money in graduate school and I don’t have any amusing anecdotes from this experience. I don’t know if there is a long-running feud between the Sociology department and the Psychology department or not, and I don’t actually know how common it is for students to hit on faculty members, even ones of my relative youth. I also don’t think the Psychology Department secretly has a chimp hidden on the fifth floor of Cramer Hall that they conduct experiments on either.
3. Garbage Collector. I am not a garbage collector, and certainly not one who has worked with Portland Sanitation for long enough to have a desireable Monday to Friday work schedule. I don’t actually know if trash collectors in Oregon have great benefits. Honestly, I would think not. I don’t think I would like working that early in the morning, despite what I might have said about then having the rest of the day free to do what I like. I do think that putting dog shit or cat litter in a trashcan without containing it in some way probably sucks for the trash collectors, but I don’t actually know. This, again, is a guess.
4. Truck Driving School Student. I have not always been fascinated with large machines like backhoes and cherry-picker trucks, and finally worked up the courage to go to truck driving school after I heard an ad on the radio about it. I am not starting Monday. I do not hope to work the upper United States, preferably for a grocery company or a pet supply store. I do not dream of someday owning my own truck and painting it purple.
5. Secretary. I am not a receptionist for a law firm, and I do not take great pleasure in filing and collating. I am not the only one in the office who can fix the copy machine when it’s broken, and I am not considering leaving this job to go get training in some type of mechanical field because of my apparent aptitude with the copy machine. I am not offended because management requested I paint my nails on a regular basis so as to have a better FOA. I am also not out drinking on a Friday night because I’m upset that I walked in on my married boss and his secretary getting busy on the office desk. I’m not worried he’s going to fire me because of what I know. That’s just not true.
So, if you met any of these people, you actually didn’t. That was a missed connection. I would like to apologize for my misbehavior.
Thank you for your time.