Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-04-20T12:56:46-04:00 2 daily who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/649331801.html a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked b) did you kill the bird c) it died horribly, that much was clear d) you're psycho e) do I know you f) if I do know you I don't want to know you g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this j) are you the mailman? k) I'm always nice to the mailman l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened m) the neighbors didn't care either n) do you have some kind of problem with birds o) don't put anything else in my mailbox p) unless it's an apology q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city? s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: crown heights <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-20T12:56:46-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/649331801.html who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m text Ibanker seeking romance http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/646020922.html Hello, ABOUT YOU: You are a young and good-looking girl. The parental abuse that you incurred as a child has left you emotionally distant and sexually repressed. You are able to sustain months (years?) of loneliness because you shudder at the thought of human interaction. You have a constant feeling of inadequacy leading to excessive hours on the elliptical machine (and, accordingly, a nicely toned bum). I might do stuff to you while you are sleeping at 4AM (when I finally get home from the office), but, other than that, our sex-life will be nonexistent. Naive girls who have been in long-distance relationships and have had their hearts broken by guys who perpetually cheated are more than welcome to email me; I promise that I'm different. ABOUT ME: I am a first year analyst at a bulge-bracket investment bank; this means that I'm either Jewish, Asian, or from old-money (and, therefore, connected up the wazoo). Given that this post is (hopefully) grammatically correct, coherently legible, and satirically palatable, I'd like to think that I got into banking based on merits associated with my intelligence; therefore, I'm probably not from old money and am not connected up the wazoo (sorry). I got into banking as a result of an overwhelming abundance of insecurities. I went to a top-tiered and prestigious undergraduate university, yet, have always felt inferior to the Harvardites and Princetonians that surround me. I'm likely either short and socially outcasted (with excellent kung-fu skills) or schnoz-nosed and unable to date, as every girl I meet in Manhattan is a UES slut that reminds me of my mother. I go to the gym every morning, as my unnecessarily ambitious and secretively compensating type-A personality forces me to always strive for the best. That, and also the endorphins released from the exercise keep me elated enough to prevent attempting suicide for at least 24 hours. I approach dating as I do anything else; as a strict meritocracy where I compete to win. At bars, I won't tell girls that I'm a banker; I feel that it would be unfair to take a girl home by playing the pity card ("Oh, you work in banking? I feel so bad for you. Fine, I guess I'll sleep with you."). I'll likely say that I'm a math teacher at the Dalton School (my Jewish/Asian heritage helps me here) so that girls realize that I'm piss-poor (as are all my other analyst buddies, despite what we tell our family and friends back home) but have Epstein potential. My interests include playing brickbreaker on my blackberry, romantic dinners expensed to my firm, and finding novel ways to entertain myself during late-night hours (posting personal ads on Craigslist at 3AM - FUN; getting head from you while you hide under my desk - PROBABLY FUNNER). If you fit my description (and God help you if you do...) feel free to email me. Pictures of boobs (yours or random ones you find on the internet) would be helpful to include in the email. As I'm posting this with my work email address, I'm hoping to get lucky enough that some back-office rat finds the inappropriate content during a routine inbox sweep, so that I can finally be liberated from this relentless world of superficial elitism. I'm talking about the old-money guys. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-17T15:20:45-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/646020922.html Ibanker seeking romance text Silda Spitzer, I will totally do you. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/603757171.html Dear Silda Spitzer, I'm not sure why Eliot needed to stray; the deeper afflictions that arise during married life are a private affair (pardon) and to speculate or analyze about them is pointless and cruel. I'm sure you and your husband both have difficult characteristics that drive you to distraction or worse. I am here to tell you that none of those things matter to me, because I do not want to marry you, Silda, I want to fuck you. Silda, let's face it, you're hot. Aitch-Ayy-Double-DoubleYew-Tee. Hawwt. I'm no great catch and have a tendency to be a bit of a prick, but hey, when you're standing there next to Eliot, humiliated, thinking "I can do better", are you really thinking about how much better? No. What's important right now is for you to dish it back, to arch your back and take it doggie-style with a thumb up your butt for good measure, to look back over your shoulder and see a different balding, self-righteous, smirking white guy grunting away and slapping your ass. I am taller than Eliot. When we move to the floor and hit the mish, you can reflect on your options: go for the divorce, the family-rending heartache with the big payday? Or stay together, knowing the payout might be just as good if you're good at slinging the guilt. Either way, Eliot's going to be out of a job for a while. Either way, I'm happy to diddle your clit. Personally, my advice is to wait it out. I mean, Hillary has done pretty well, right? You never know how these things will go. I have had my share of ups and downs, too... and I'm not going to claim I'm any kind of a prince (or an ethics crusader). I have beat a man nearly to death, stolen candy from children, and yes, I'll admit it dirty girl, I'm an atheist. MMmmmm. Like that? None of my personal ups and downs matter anyway, Silda, because with me it's your ups-and-downs, on my glistening love sword, that matter. I'll be waiting, Babe. Oh, and one more thing... I'll only tap you for $78.50 an hour. And that's negotiable, if you're up for anal. Call me.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-12T11:11:13-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/603757171.html Silda Spitzer, I will totally do you. - m4w text OK . . . I give up . . . just fuck me like a whore http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/589072628.html OK - I have been trying to meet a "nice" guy for quite a while now, using both traditional methods (set-ups through friends, the bar scene, work, etc.) and non-traditional (i.e., internet dating), and have had abysmal results. By "nice", I don't mean a bible-thumping, republican, up-tight putz who could make a diamond out of a lump of coal planted firmly up his a-hole. I mean a guy who is capable of having a decent conversation that doesn't center around the size of his cock; who is aware of the world around him; who is respectful of people and animals; who doesn't clip his fucking fingernails on the train; who makes me laugh; who parties like a rock star when he has the time; and who can fuck me like a champ after checking his hang-ups at the door. Someone with a brain. A sense of humor. A job. I'm a busy, successful, attractive woman with a professional degree and a great circle of friends. I have a life. What I don't have, however, is a lot of time to wade through a bunch of bullshit. If you just want to get laid, fine; just say that up front so I can move on. Don't make me waste my time exchanging e-mails for days, then stop writing after I don't want to answer the "money" questions after knowing you for 3.5 hours, like 1) what's the craziest sex you've ever had? 2) how often do you masturbate? 3) do you have a nice, clean ass, with clean ass odor? (I couldn't make that up) and 4) do you like oral? (DUH??!!?? WHO DOESN'T??) Apparently, no matter how pretty, sexy, funny, smart, successful, sweet, caring, interesting etc. I am, it all boils down to one thing: fucking. Fine. I give up. You want to fuck? I can fuck. WANTED: a guy to pull out his big, thick cock within five seconds of our first meeting. I want to kneel at your feet and worship you (and your organ) like a greek god. I will take your throbbing love-stick in my mouth and service you like a pro. I will lick the head of your penis, concentrating on the sensitive spot underneath the head, where it meets the shaft. I will then take you fully into my mouth, and move my head all the way down, swallowing the entire length. When you're all the way in and I'm fighting not to gag, I will move all the way back to the tip, then repeat. I will continue, up and down, until I feel that you're about to cum; then I'll stop, lick my way down to your balls, and take take them both in my mouth while stroking your cock with my hand. I will then move around to your back, spread the cheeks of your ass and rim your asshole with my tongue while stroking your cock. I'll shove a finger or two up there, if you like. Once you're good and hard, I'll let you eat my pussy for a while, preferably until I cum two or three times. A little rimming of your own would be nice. Attention can be paid to my breasts (which are D-cups, by the way), or I can pinch my nipples myself. Once my juices are flowing, you can proceed to the fucking. Shove your cock in me, hard, all the way in. The harder the better, and if you're hung like a horse, my prayers have been answered. Keep going. Don't worry about me; I will make myself cum again on my own, either with old-fashioned diddling or my trusty vibrator. My ass needs attention, too, don't forget-I'm a three-input kinda girl! After you've made me cum fucking me the old-fashioned way, slowly (and gently, please!) push your huge dick up my ass. Use lots of astro-glide. I will be a little hesitant at first, but then the yummy pleasure-mixed-with-pain will start to kick in, and I'll get really into it. I'll start shoving my ass back against your cock as hard as I can, until I explode with the hardest orgasm yet. At this point, if you feel like getting your freak on, we can pop in a porno and emulate whatever is happening on the screen. Or, I can pull out my cache of sex toys. You can have me straddle an enormous uber-cock and work as much of it into my vagina as I can take, while you get in on the action by fucking me up the ass. You want a threesome? No problem. I'll invite one of my crazy girlfriends over, and you can watch me eat her out while you masturbate. Or, she can sit on my face while you fuck me. Another option is you banging me from behind while I lick her pussy. The possibilities are endless, really. Once that's over, feel free to pull out and cum on my ass / tits / face / mouth / whatever. See, I do have what you want! Don't tell ME law school was all for naught. . . w4m   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: nyc <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-27T17:34:14-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/589072628.html OK . . . I give up . . . just fuck me like a whore text Fingered on the RED line - Columbia University - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/566032112.html Hi! We were on the RED local line, I got on at 14th Street, you were already on the train. I got off at Columbia University 116th. Around 5PM. It was very crowded and you were behind me. We talked awkardly while you were still behind my back, pushed into each other. I told you I hate being an undergrad, we connected. You eneded up fingering me while no one else was noticing. I didn't get your full e-mail. If you see this, let me know. I hope you do! I miss you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-07T12:06:33-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/566032112.html Fingered on the RED line - Columbia University - w4m text Dear Star Wars ex-boyfriend, my vag is sore http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/550913075.html Dear Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend, A few things as of late have come to light. The fact that you had an entire room dedicated to Star Wars should have been enough to make any sane girl run in the opposite direction, I somehow found it endearing. The fact that you couldnt string two thoughts together in order to form a cohesive sentence should have made me giggle in your face, instead I patiently waited as you tried to sound like your IQ was above 87. Your crazy mom that decided to pop in and vacuum at one in the morning should have definitely made leave, but I stuck by your side. Your sexual inadequacies should have made me run to seek orgasm from another penis, instead I quietly masturbated in the bathroom after your pathetic attempts at coitus. When you told me that you slept with someone else, I must admit that I was mildly relieved as at last this was my way out. But Star Wars obsessed ex- boyfriend, you just had to go and one-up yourself in stupidity. Just when I thought that your stupidity had reached its crescendo a perfect symphony of ignorance, you surprised me. You said something that will forever go down as the worst phrase to ever utter to a girlfriend. You said: Yeah I slept with someone else, but I had to think about you to get off. Seriously? Really? Am I supposed to be honored by this? Is this supposed to make me coo with girlish glee and then all can be forgiven? Lets pretend for a moment that this statement is true. If you had to think about me when you had your heinous-uncircumcised-lion-seal looking penis in what I can only assume is a skanky disease ridden vagina, why did you simply not fuck me instead? God knows I was willing being that I was constantly unsatisfied and willing to give you another go. Well, Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend, let me tell you this. I won. First off, I am not going to let you ruin Star Wars for me. I will still giggle with delight at Chewbaccas noises. I will still find humor in Jabbas fat face. More importantly, I won because I used my inner rage to go out and fuck the ever living shit out of someone else. Seriously, it was amazing. Porn star status. He came on my face and it tasted like the sweet nectar of the gods. What's more, you ask? The guy is hung like a gorilla, or to put it in terms that youd understand, hes packing a light saber. I was walking funny for 4 days, no joke. And you know what Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend? I fucked this guy on real sheets. Sheets that didnt have R2D2 and C3P0 and Tie fighters. Big boy sheets. When I arched my back and looked up I didnt see any Sith infiltrators on the ceiling. No Death Star. For the first time in a long time I got off without feeling like I should be on To Catch a Predator because you, Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend, made me feel dirty for fucking in what looked like a little kids room. Moral of the story? You might want to put down the Obi Wan doll and pick up a book. That way, you might actually learn a few new words that exist outside of that epic film. Or better yet, next time you feel the urge to say something as dumb as what you said to me, pick up a .22 or if it makes you feel better well call it an IG.22 and shoot yourself in the nut sack, that way we wont have to worry about you breeding. Oh yeah, and plans are in the works for dressing up as Slave Leia next time. Best of luck to you in not winding up winning a Darwin award.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: not Alderaan <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-25T03:56:27-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/550913075.html Dear Star Wars ex-boyfriend, my vag is sore text Replying to w4m casual encounters ads? A little feedback .. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/535349954.html Sunday I placed an ad around 11pm (I included the photo below, you may recognize it). Yesterday around 6pm my ad got flagged. I don't know why, but it's fine. In between I got about 280 replies and I thought it might be wise to give you some feedback. Most of you guys are afraid of picture collectors and spam. And I can understand that's a serious concern. However, if you think an ad is spam or by someone collecting pictures, don't write an e-mail saying "you real???". What do you expect me to do, write back "am real". Sorry, won't do that because before I know it I'll be getting 10 e-mails a day from 280 different guys. So if you don't get a reply, that does not mean that I'm not real, it simply means that I don't have time to e-mail you back. If you are too concerned about spam and picture collectors, there is one very simple sollution: DON'T RESPOND TO ANY AD. Some other things that irritated me: - replies that say "you send picture first", "show me" or "i sent pic if you sent pic" (never mind the grammar). First of all, I DID include a picture in my ad, so now it's your turn. Second, even if I didn't include a picture, you may want to include a picture in your first e-mail because this is CL and I am a woman and you are a man, which implies that I get 280 replies. - replies that only send cock pictures. Guys, I'm a sucker for a nice, big cock (literally and methaphorically), but I'd like to see your face too. So please send either only a face picture or a face and a dick picture. - please mention your age in your reply. I mentioned mine and even though I didn't ask for yours, it should be standard procedure to include your age. - then there are replies that make demands. Simple: don't do that. Unless it is a demand like "will only fuck with condoms". - replies that make weird propositions, like offering me money (thanks, how flattering...) or asking me to marry you. My ad was in "casual encounters" not in "erotic services" or "ltr". - replies showing off how rich you are or how successful you are. I'm not interested in that, I thought this was all about NSA sex, right? - replies in which I am called a "dirty whore" (I didn't want the money, remember?) or a "short cock slut" (thanks again for the compliment, especially if it's coming from someone three inches shorter than me, but probably you were not referring to me being a short slut who sucks cock, but to you wanting your short cock to be sucked by a slut. Two seemingly similar things, but a world of difference. I do like to suck cock, but am neither short nor a whore; your cock however was anything but big). - replies from guys offering me the opposite of what I'm looking for, because "maybe you'd like something else for a change". If I did, I would have posted asking for something else, wouldn't you think so? - replies with a picture of a bunch of guys without letting me know which one is you. - replies with a picture which is old. One guy replied twice with a picture of which he said he is now 20 lbs less heavy. So why not send me an "after" picture? - replies from guys who say their picture is too large for CL. Resize it. If you can't do it, I doubt that you can resize your cock in the right direction. - guys who say CL does not allow any pictures to be send. When was that? In 1994? - one-liners. No matter how cute you are or how big your cock is, I don't like one-liners and I don't think any other girl does. - Forwarded messages. - Messages that have been sent to a dozen ads at the same time. Even though we all know you were not waiting for me specifically and most of you will fuck anything with a pussy out there, it's still impolite to send your message to many ads at the same time. - Guys who don't reply when I send a message back. - Guys who are overly suspicious when I write back and say that "you can't be real". Why not? And why did you reply in the first place? - Guys that reply a day after I replied. If you want to have a fuck on CL, you'd better check your e-mail. - Guys that can't meet when you like to even though you specified a meeting time in your ad. There are 279 guys I can choose from. - Guys that have "loser" written all-over them. - Guys that made the same joke as a dozens other guys. - Guys that are not in New York. - Guys who ask me for my race preference. I could write back that human races strictly speaking don't exist and that there is only the human race, but that would be pushing it a bit too far in this superconservative country wouldn't it? Of course, a number of replies sparked my interest, and I have either already replied to you or have kept your e-mail for a possible future encounter. THERE IS NO NEED TO REPLY TO THIS AD AGAIN. If you want to show your appreciation for all the suggestions, you can always nominate me for best of. And then there were some replies that I really enjoyed: - a reply from a virgin. Sweet. If you would have had "the looks" I would have picked you and I could have showed you a thing or two. - replies from guys showing their big dicks with a girl sucking on it. Some girls may find that offensive, but I enjoyed it. I've always thought bj pix are cool. If any of you would like to share those type of pix with me, go ahead! But don't be small please and don't send me any internet porn. I've got internet too you know. But if you want to show off the skills of your ex gf, be my guest. - replies from couples. Nice idea, but not what I was looking for yesterday, maybe another time. - guys who wanted to cook for me (I mentioned in my ad that I still needed dinner). Sweet. - guys who were witty and made jokes that were not made by any of the other guys. But please don't try this strategy if this is not your thing. - guys who give compliments that are more original than "sexy pic baby" or "yo you nice holla back at me". You made it to the end: congradulations! Now please improve your replying behavior. PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE REPLIES. I ALREADY HAVE 280 GUYS TO CHOOSE FROM. ESPECIALLY DON'T REPLY TO ME IF YOU ALREADY DID SO YESTERDAY. Thanks!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-11T01:09:29-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/535349954.html Replying to w4m casual encounters ads? A little feedback .. text No, really - someone come get this horrible Chili Beer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/519536655.html I bought this awful shit for my girlfriend a few weeks ago and it was simply too much for her. Even my brother, who likes to think he's the world's biggest badass when it comes to spicy food and drink, couldn't handle it. I won't drink it because not only do I not care for excessively hot food or drink, but the beer itself also isn't very good - imagine a bottle of piss-water Corona injected with a fiery squirt of Satanic jizz instead of lime and you've got Cave Creek Chili Beer. Think you're the king shit of Scoville units? Come on down and get this swill out of my fridge. I think I have three or four left (pic below isn't mine). My $8 waste is your smoking-hot gain. 21+ only please, not that it matters since most girly Smirnoff Ice-drinking teenagers would cry after one sip of this. Last time I posted this, I got lots of replies but nobody ever showed up. Not screwing around here - please come take it. I'd pour it down the drain but it'll probably chew holes in the pipes and I can't afford that.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Western Suffolk <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-26T09:41:35-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/519536655.html No, really - someone come get this horrible Chili Beer text fancy being lavished during the holidays? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/513328535.html the holidays suck. i never thought that i'd ever say that but this is the first time in my life as an adult that i don't have a girlfriend to share in the experience with and it sucks. bad. 3 weeks ago i came home from a night out for steaks and cigars with some of the guys from my office to find that she had cleaned out her drawer in my custom made oak dresser and left a note on my viking stove that simply said "i'm done." i've been texting her like 10 times a day but i haven't heard from her since. what sucks even more about it is that i just got word from my boss at GS this morning about how much my bonus is going to be this year. wanna guess? 772k. and you'd think i'd be happy, right? WRONG! i mean with so many people out there whose lives are so less meaningful because they only make 60 or 70k a year, how could i not be happy? well, think about that for a minute. what use is three quarters of a million dollars per year in income if you've got nobody to share it with, nobody to lavish with flowers and designer bags and shoes and dinners at places like per se, nobu and babbo? what good is the new condo on the west side when i've got nobody to sit out on the balcony to look out over the river and drink egg nog with during the holidays. most importantly, what use is a 15 foot fraser fir christmas tree if i've got nobody to put presents underneath it for? so what am i looking for, you ask? someone to share all of this with at christmas, that's what. i'm out of the office all of next week and i'm going to go crazy all by myself in my huge, shiny new condo. all i ask is that you're reasonably cute and willing to reciprocate my kindness and generosity by keeping me warm on these cold winter nights. i don't even care if you're jewish or some other religion that doesn't celebrate christmas because my parents will be in france and will never find out. together we'll go out for amazing dinners, we'll go shopping together, we'll drink great wines and at the end of the day we'll get each other off fabulously. finally, you need not worry about not being attracted to me. i'm 28 years old and i've still got the same looks/physique that i had when i wrestled in college and have had a certain part of my anatomy compared to a baby's arm. i am also quite charming. so what are you waiting for?  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Manhattan <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-18T15:09:50-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/513328535.html fancy being lavished during the holidays? text To the person who broke into my car last night http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/496064331.html You broke into my gray Hyundai Elantra parked on the corner of Wythe and 4th St. As I was parking it, I noticed broken glass on the sidewalk and thought "the lightning never strikes the same spot twice." Well, I was wrong. I wanted to express how much I appreciate your effort to minimize my inconvenience. I understand that you probably come from a disadvantaged background, you may have an addiction or two, or maybe your mother is sick in the hospital. I quite understand your need to break into my car. You only broke the rear passenger small window, so even in the cold weather there are no drifts reaching the front seats. I know it was hard to open the car through that small window, so I appreciate the effort. You took my GPS system. I actually didn't like it because it doesn't allow me to update the maps and they are quite outdated by now. Thank you for giving me a reason to get a much better one. You tool my work blackberry. They are actually upgrading us to the new Pearl model. I was due to get one in February. But thanks to you, I will get a new one on Monday. Thank you! I do miss those $5 in spare change, but it's a small price to pay. Hope it goes a long way towards buying your next fix. And thank you for not taking my garage key, EZ pass car, or NY map. I wouldn't be able to get home without them. I wish all car burglars were as decent as you are. You should start a car burglary etiquette classes. Your biggest fan!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Williamsburg <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-02T04:34:28-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/496064331.html To the person who broke into my car last night text Wanted: Heart Surgeon for 1/2 Day Gig - No Pay http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/489856720.html Hi, I need a triple bypass surgery and want to have it done ASAP. We don't have any funds at the moment, but I'll have a friend videotape the whole procedure, and you can have a copy of the DV tape. We're also planning to pitch the idea to some honchos at HBO, so you'll be in on the Ground Floor! It shouldn't take more than 6-7 hours. No amateurs - Experienced Heart Surgeons ONLY!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-26T11:55:32-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/489856720.html Wanted: Heart Surgeon for 1/2 Day Gig - No Pay text Help me keep the shell people alive. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/485967082.html There is a sad truth to the world today. I am part of a dying breed of people known as "shell users." We are an old-fashioned bunch, preferring the warm glow of a green screen full of text over the cold blockiness of a graphical interface. We use ssh, scp, and even occassionally ftp. Back in the days before high-speed connections ("broadband"), we would dial up during off-hours to avoid being slammed with huge phone bills. The whole "Microsoft Windows" fad will fade away sooner or later, but in the interim, our kind is facing extinction. Because there are fewer and fewer of us, I must help keep our lineage alive. I am looking for someone to help me do this. I need a woman (obviously) who is willing to raise a child with me in the method of Unix. Our child will be introduced to computers at a young age, and will be setting emacs mode before any other child can even read. I earn a sufficient income to support a family in modest comfort. Other than the fact our child will be bright, text-based and sarcastic, we will otherwise be a normal family. We will even go to Disney World and see Mickey Mouse. So, if you are a woman between the ages of 23 and 43 who is ready to raise a child in the way of the shell, let me know so we can begin the process. (If you are ready to raise more than one child, even better.) PS - yes, this is for real. Given the right person, I would obviously propose before we ... call fork(). PPS - I only set emacs mode for my ksh session. I only edit files using vi. Just wanted to clear that up. And I'm looking to raise the child(ren) as a dedicated couple, so if you aren't interested in being married, you may wish to select() a different posting. N.B. - on the issue of relocation. I live in a place where my income/expense ratio is proper (i.e., greater than 2:1). I'm willing to live anywhere in the world where this remains true. I've been to much of the country as well as foreign nations. There are no limits to where I will live *so long as the job market for unix admins is robust enough to be sustainable.* And yes, I am interested in a strictly monogamous situation. I've been known to actually turn down offers of "two chicks at the same time."  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Typical Rich Town, CT <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-21T18:46:15-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/485967082.html Help me keep the shell people alive. text Why Must You Bother the Nice Women? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/476195476.html Dear Moron at Duane Reade, Earlier this evening, I spotted a roach in my apartment. The brazen bastard walked around like he owned the place, ignoring me even as I picked up my shoe and prepared to crush him. Well, he's gone, but of course roaches have friends, so it was on. My wife hates bugs, and her problems become my problems. She's out of town, allowing me to take swift action without her needing to know about the roach I hunted and killed. I headed out to Duane Reade to purchase roach poison, the kind the bastards carry back to their nests, thereby serving as my tools of destruction. Poison in hand, I saw with disappointment a long line facing the register, at which a manager was helping a cashier with some sort of problem. Good news for the roaches, whose death was briefly delayed. Moments later, you too discovered the long line. Unlike the rest of us, who suffered our disappointment silently, you loudly asked (of whom I cannot say) for permission to cut the line. It turns out this isn't Mayberry, and a woman near the front of the line replied. "No," she said. You then tried to hit on her in a ham-fisted fashion, asking if that was her "real hair." Eventually you moseyed to the back of the line, which had lengthened during your pathetic attempt at courtship. (By the way, your focus on hair was especially amusing considering your long blond hair, two-day beard, and blazer. You were sporting the "Kid Rock at the country club" look.) Then our troubles began. You commenced a barrage of annoying comments directed at the "No" woman, suggesting at one point that you would gladly be "a piece of trash crushed by [her] boot." This is America, and you're entitled to your fantasies, even of a "crushing" nature. But keep it together, son! You were in public, speaking loudly to a stranger seven-or-so people ahead of you in a Duane Reade line. Muttering to yourself "This isn't working; she doesn't like me at all," while perhaps meant to be endearing in a cute, self-deprecating way, did not make up for the awkwardness you created. People in line winced as you continued to embarrass yourself. Eventually, the manager solved the cashier's problem and opened a second register. Things started moving, albeit slowly. Your comments continued unchecked. "Can we get married? I love you." Really, have some self-respect. You went on at such length that I recalled those experiments showing that the larger the crowd, the less likely anyone is to help during a crisis. After all, surely that other guy will confront the loudmouthed Kid Rock clone at Duane Reade---why should I get involved? Was I in a psych experiment? If you turn out to be a graduate student of human behavior, please accept my apologies for this rant. I could stand it no more. The manager's slowness had allowed you to subject the woman to one too many obnoxious utterances, and I turned to you and said, "I know this is New York, and people generally mind their own business, but could you give it a rest?" "No," you said. "Are you gonna punch me and make me stop?" "Probably not," I replied. I think we all would have bet good sums that I wasn't going to punch you. I certainly it wasn't worth a night in jail and risk to my law license just to teach you some manners that Joe C neglected to share with you before shuffling off this mortal coil. What would I tell my cellmates in the Tombs, "I'm here 'cause I punched some pantywaist at Duane Reade?" I don't think so. I would have needed to cook up some more exciting story, which some jailhouse snitch would have repeated in hopes of a reduced sentence. And it would have been just my luck that whatever nonsense I made up ("I killed a clown in Union Square for looking funny at my cilantro.") would have actually happened last weekend, leading to my arraignment and unemployment. Yes, yes, I'd have gotten the indictment dismissed eventually when the real clown killer came to light, but that wouldn't get me my job back, would it? And my picture in the New York Post below the screaming headline "FANCYPANT$ LAWYER BRAINS MIME WITH BRIEFCASE" would have linked me with clown murder indelibly in the public mind, which isn't easy to live with. Regardless, you don't even know I have a law license, and for all you know I like fighting people at Duane Reade. You couldn't be sure, could you? So you quieted down for a while. Then, as the woman headed for the door, her purchases in hand, you muttered all-too-loudly, "She's hot, and I have a right to say so." Finally, something we can agree on. She is hot, or at least cute; I didn't get a good look at the front of her, what with her working so hard to avoid making eye contact with some idiot behind me in line. Your legal reasoning skills, however, leave much to be desired. Before you mail your application for a faculty post in First Amendment law at Columbia, consider this: Her being attractive does not provide you with a license to harass and humiliate her. Every time a woman hesitates before walking outside wearing something flattering, people like you are the cause. I wonder if she considered whether her Duane Reade trip was all that urgent, if maybe she shouldn't walk out after midnight but should wait until tomorrow instead. If she did, you and your ilk were part of her concern. I for one enjoy seeing women walking the streets in attractive garb. My personal taste aside, women---like everyone else---should be free to walk around without being bugged by morons. So pull yourself together. Leave the nice women alone, find your dignity, and stop making problems for the rest of us. Sincerely Yours, A Man More Annoyed with You than with Roaches, Which Is Saying Something  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-12T02:09:47-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/476195476.html Why Must You Bother the Nice Women? text We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/457124956.html I'm sorry. You were taking so long in the bathroom and this guy was looking at me. Next thing I knew we were making out and you came back and stormed out of the bar. I just want you to know that I really liked you and I'm not gay, I just have gay experiences sometimes. You are a beautiful girl and I'm glad that you came on date with me. I would like very much to try again. This time I will give all my love to you.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-23T09:27:15-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/457124956.html We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w text To the gentleman who called me a depreciating asset http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/445962092.html Dear Sir, I must confess that I was somewhat taken aback upon reading your email. Indeed, it has taken some time for me to sufficiently recuperate from my surprise. Lest your confidence quickly inflate for little reason (as we know is the predisposition for Wall St. types), allow me to hasten to reassure you that the source of my surprise was neither your candor nor the accuracy of your perception. Indeed, it is your "claimed" success in light of your poor grasp of economics which has me baffled. If the standards required to meet with financial success on Wall St. have sunk so low, perhaps I should indeed "make my own money", except for the fact that the effort/reward ratio is far too high for my liking - especially when so many of your ilk have displayed a far more cogent grasp of market realities than you have. By now you are likely scratching your ever-vanishing hairline in confusion, so allow me to elaborate, dear man. To build some credibility I will tell you a bit more about yourself. Though you did not mention the details of your occupation, it is clear that you are an investment banker and not a trader, as any good trader would understand that human courtships are based upon a semi-efficient open market, and not an investment banking cartel. However, your inability to grasp the realities of the dating market is not surprising, given that you have successfully employed the tools of collusion and market manipulation rather that true acumen in your supposed wealth generation. If your grasp of finance were not a minority partner with your ego, you would realize that the "outflows" associated with my depreciating "assets" are quite certain, and therefore subject to a low discount rate when determining their present value. In addition, though your concept of economics evidentially failed to move past the 1950s, advancement in plastic surgery is not subject to the same limitation. Thus, with some additional capital expenditure, the overall lifetime of "outflows" generated by these assets is greatly increased. Sad that Ashton Kutcher has demonstrated understanding of the female asset class which you, in all of your financial "wisdom", have not. You, on the other hand, are, given the uncertainty of the Wall St. job market, more of an inflation-indexed junk bond with an underwater nested call option. Though you may argue that you are more of an equity investment, my monetary minimums required from you do not change, and if you are unable to pay them, I will liquidate you without the benefit of a chapter 11, just as you would me. Because your outflows are so much more uncertain with respect to mine, I require additional compensation in the form of a underwater nested call option on your future assets. I say underwater because, even taking into account the value of your junk bond coupon payment to me, the value of my "outflow" is in excess of the market price of your equity (which is quite low due to its riskiness associated with your poor grasp of finance and my existing claim upon your junk bond coupon). I must thank you though for raising the question, despite the reputation cost of subjecting your weak logic to such widespread scrutiny. This took either considerable courage or ignorance on your part- and we'll give you the benefit of doubt, just this once. My current boyfriend (a trader who lives in Central Park West, of course) and I thoroughly enjoyed discussing your response and we wish you the best of luck in your unhappy pursuit of that elusive market inefficiency. This message is in response to: I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-11T08:23:04-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/445962092.html To the gentleman who called me a depreciating asset text Diola lle, lovers of Middle Earth - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/396775293.html A mere day ago, I cast out my spell of seduction, searching for men true of heart and lustful in their drives who understood the true meaning of "fantasy" and "roleplay". Alas, the spell was a strong one, for the call was apparently heard 'round the realm; so much that I fear now that my cup (and inbox) runneth over... I have found my love for now--the one who not only cast the most charismatic photo magick and spoke most eloquently and most Elvishly, but who speaks masterfully of Beowulf, from whence I take my namesake. And so I remove myself, overwhelmed as I am, from this modern etherworld... for now. I thank all of you for your kind words and noble efforts... though, to be fair, this maiden could have done without those many messages affixed with renderings of your coarse nether regions. Namaarie, rwalaerea. Lle ume quel. Aa' lasser en lle coia orn n' omenta gurtha. Tenna' telwan, Freawaru  <img src=396775293.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-14T11:46:57-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/396775293.html Diola lle, lovers of Middle Earth - w4m text NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/390658591.html OK, I have been riding the subway every day for a lot of years. When you start riding, it doesn't take a much time to see all sorts of characters. At first, these people sightings might be somewhat shocking or even funny, but you begin to grow used to the pants less, toothless, yelling, drunk, cracked out, stinky, sweaty, and perverted characters that ride the subway. They really don't bother you much; in fact I welcome a little cameo from these guys once in a while. After all, it is part of our city culture. That said I have compiled a list a spilling of my mental Rolodex of the people I share the subway with on a daily basis. These are the monsters I can't get used to and won't accept. They annoy the ever-loving piss out of me. Thing is, I never see these hooligans all at once, but I do see one at least once a day. - Lady that fans herself with a piece of paper in the train car with broken a/c: Look lady, the air is hot. Not just your air but everyone's air. We are all breathing in each other's nasty hot breath and germs and here you go creating a gust of hot wind. This does not cool you down and it is especially fucking annoying when the car happens to be stuck that day, all is silent and we are forced to listen to the flip flopping of your paper up and down as you breath in and out deeply. So fucking ridiculous. - Chinese guy with yellow nails and a bag of chicken feet: Dude, I'm not even kidding, you are nasty as hell. No one likes a set of long man-nails near them EVER and here you are wrapping those daggers around the center subway pole nearly slicing innocent bystanders as the plastic bag of chicken feet sways near your legs. Oh yes, and what are you going to do with those chicken feet anyway? Take advantage of us poor unknowing customers by grinding them up to use as filler in the next batch of HAPPY FAMILY from the local Jade Garden? I mean Jesus. - Asshole with the sunglasses on: OK, there is no sunshine on the subway. This is not the L train pal. You sit there with your black as night shades on clearly staring at people for as long as you please. That's just wrong. Your probably staring at the lady's tits who is standing above you or even undressing some poor middle schooler with your eyes. Not only are you taking ample amounts of time to fanaticize about unsuspecting riders, but you look like an idiot doing it. This is especially worse when you also chew gum with an open mouth like a friggin' cow. You are drawing attention to yourself now and I can tell by the direction of your neck muscles that you were staring at me! Lady on the 8:30 F train Monday morning - you know who you are! - Jerk that leans over you to look at the subway map: OK, your ball sac is 2 inches from my face. You don't care do you? Even though you've traumatized me and I lean back in my seat to shy far far away from your jewels, you lean in closer to get a better look at where to transfer from the E to the D train! Yuk man, have some manners. This is worse when you are sleeping with your head in your hands and wake to find a pants slacks covered man bulge in your grill. - Ghostfarter: OK, I know it may be hard to hold it, but if you had diarrhea this morning of course your farts are going to reek! I mean the train is crowded with little ventilation yet you subject us to the rotten remnants of your ass-meal. This is inconsiderate and nasty! Hey if one clipped out, OK - it's happened to the best of us but you try to move around a bit and circulate. Dont just stand there and poof out stinker after stinker while you read your paper! I'm talking about the well-dressed guy in the suit or the one hot chic on the train, it was probably you! - Asshole with the book bag: If your bag more than 3 inches off of your back for god's sakes put it in front of you toward the floor! This is common knowledge!! I can't tell you how many times some retard with a book bag extending 3 feet tall off his back has decided to turn around and talk to his friend or bend down to tie his shoe and clock me one without knowing the difference. Yeah, that was me who bumped you on purpose. I hate you! - Lady that hugs the pole on a crowded train: Are you fucking blind!?? There are other people riding the train with you jerk but yet you proceed to make sweet love to the silver pole. Can we maybe hold on for a second TOO so we don't break and ankle??!!! Then, when we ask you to move you PRETEND you don't speak English. Real nice. Why don't you walk to work with a broomstick and hug that you shitbag. - Nail Clipping Fool: This means you regular business guy with no regard or oblivious Asian lady. Jesus Christ, does anyone have manners?? DO NOT CLIP YOUR NAILS ON THE SUBWAY! I should be making signs for god's sakes! Not only are we subjected to the resonating sound of your clipping but your nail shrapnel is flying every which way and hitting men, women and children. This is by far the most disgusting thing ever. I'd like to take a free shot at your gut while fellow train riders hold you up.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: NYC <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-06T14:33:59-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/390658591.html NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST! text Potato Cannon http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/390476890.html It's 8ft long. My neighbors figured out what was happening so I need to get rid of it today.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Park Slope <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-06T11:21:55-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/390476890.html Potato Cannon text I will trade you records if you hang out with me and you are female http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/368733833.html <ttt><h3>tell me about who you are send pic hang out with me nice guy white male in astoria i will give you 10 lps for an hour and 1/2 of hanging out i will give you 15 lps for a massage no guys just female only rock lps mostly dont ask for list come here and look through it you wont get any free ones for looking through them only for hanging out   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-07T16:49:11-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/368733833.html I will trade you records if you hang out with me and you are female text Why I no longer want to have sex http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/362940891.html I have decided, after much deliberation, that I will no longer be having sex. It has taken me 9 years of unsatisfactory sex to realize that men are clueless in bed and that my time will be much better spent pleasuring myself. I am aware that I will be spending a lot more money on AA batteries and I have come to terms with that. I will still be saving money, by not having to buy condoms. I just want to make it clear that it is not that I cannot have an orgasm, I have them all the time, just not with someone else in the room, it is just that guys do not get what it takes to get a woman off. For the other girls out there that have not become completely disgusted with the lack of sexual ability among men, I will lay out these rules for men to follow: 1-Breasts are attached. They are a part of our body and grabbing them so hard that they are literally lifted from the chest DOES NOT feel good. It hurts. 2-Nipples are sensitive. This means that sucking them is good. Gently holding one in your teeth while flicking your tongue across it is good. Some LIGHT biting is good. Biting them like you would a steak, all the while asking "how does that feel baby?"...not good. It fucking hurts. 3-There are more to our breasts that the nipples and the entire breast would like attention too. Just make sure that you have read rule #1. 4-Fingering is a multi step process. First off if a girl is not wet, don't try to stick two fingers up her. That will just hurt her. Make sure she is wet. If she is not, make out with her, play with her breasts a little and that should do the trick. Girls like the feeling of being fucked with a guy's fingers, but please make sure that your fingers are not all dirty, do not have hangnails, or anything else that can make us uncomfortable. Also, the majority of women do not have an orgasm from pentration. Now men, I know that this is a blow to your ego because most of you believe that you can get a woman off from a good hard fucking every time. The women are faking it, and yes, this has happened to every single guy. Every single one, you are not a sex god. 5-The clit is a delicate thing. #5 will deal with fingering the clit. Oral sex will be talked about next. The clit is the center of a woman's sex life. We love our clits, they bring us lots of joy. If you are going to rub it, please keep that finger wet. Rub it gently. Remember that the more excited we get the more excited our reaction gets. That is not an invitation to start rubbing it harder, it means we love the way you are doing it at that time. Don't change it. Do not try to press into it super hard, or rub it out with the pad of your thumb. Nothing can make a girl turned off quicker than a pained clit. 6-Oral sex should not be as dull as watching paint dry. Most girls loved to be eaten out. It is awesome when done properly. Lick the entire thing, but remember the clit is your friend. You want a girl to go crazy, alternate between her clit and the rest of her pussy. But...once she starts getting close, concentrate on the clit. It is okay if you want to take you fingers and spread her lips to fully expose the clit while your tongue works magic in it. Also, some girls like to have you fuck them with a few fingers right before they come, while you CONTINUE to lick their clit. Fucking a girl with your tongue will feel nice to her, but seeing again that the majority of women do not orgasm from pentration, we will not get off from it. 7-Fucking is not a race. Sex is great, it feels wonderful. Even though I will not orgasm from sex, it still feels amazing. Take your time. I did not get a brazilian bikini wax and spend $100 on new underwear to have something that lasts for 3 minutes. I don't care if you are so worked up that you have to bust a nut. Think of something else, think of Rosie O'Donnell or your great Aunt Esther, or anything to calm yourself down and let us enjoy a good hard dicking. There should be a ten minute minimum and 30 minute maximum of pure fucking that is mandated by law. Of course there are days where a quick fuck is in order, or a marathon session is desired, but as a general rule, the above time frame works. We like it gentle and hard, but please do not fuck us so hard that our heads are banging into things. Concussions have no place in the bedroom. 8-Variety is the spice of life. Sometimes us girls want to just be taken missionary style, sometimes we want to be your dirty girl that takes it from behind doggie style while you grip our ponytail with one hand and finger our ass with the other. Sometimes we want to take control and just ride you off into the sunset, sometimes we want slow Sunday morning side sex that is more for intimacy that sexual pleasure. 9-Talk dirty to us. Call me you whore, your dirty little slut, tell me what you want-in detail. Tell me to suck your cock. Tell me play with myself as I lick your balls. If this kind of talk is broken out every once in a while as a surprise (and only in the bedroom), it can make things really hot. 10-Don't be afraid to try new things with us. It is ok, if you want to ask me to do something to you that is not in the 'vanilla' sex rulebook. You want me to stick two fingers up your ass when I blow you, ask. You want to eat out my asshole as you jerk off then come all over my tits. Just ask. Just remember that girls like to get to know a guy before he breaks out his freakier side and that slightly freaky things should be exception sex. Meaning, most girls would be down with doing non-vanilla things every once in a while with a guy that she cares about a trusts. In fact, most of us get wet at the thought of having a little more freakiness every once in a while. So you want to stick an anal plug in me and move it in and out while we '69', just ask. Happy learning men, and happy trails ladies. Hopefully this post will do some of you guys some good in bed.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Nassau <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-29T11:03:34-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/362940891.html Why I no longer want to have sex text To all my clients....from your friendly online porn store http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/349423094.html I have run an online adult goodies store for about 3 years now. To say the least, I have run into some interesting characters in my 3 years of online smut-pandering. I am about to end my run of naughty knick-knacks and I'd just like to give a wee shout-out to the people who struck me as the most interesting, funny, annoying and downright memorable. Here goes nothing.... 1. Angry, self-righteous female customer : You placed your order Sunday night. By Monday morning, you were emailing me IN GIANT RED ANGRY LETTERS that you had not received an email telling you that your order had shipped. I politely emailed you back within minutes stating that orders take about 4 business days to ship out (remember that little button you had to click on that said you read and understood ALL our policies BEFORE you were able to place your order? Well, that little gem was in there!). You emailed me again less than 45 minutes later stating in GIANT BOLD RED FONTS that you will report my website to the BBB if I didn't send your order out immediately...hmm, the only way I know to get something right away is to get on the bus/subway/in a cab, high tail it to the adult store of your choice and purchase said items in person. After your 5th email that day screaming/demanding/threatening, to ship your items or else, I finally told you to take a flying leap off a short bridge and I refunded your money ( all $17.99 of it!). The customer is NOT always right..often times she is a total bitch! 2. Weirdo who always bought the same dildo, then cancelled his order 15 minutes later: To respond to your query: NO I don't know if this is a 'good cock'..Even if I bought this particular item for myself, I certainly wouldn't tell a complete stranger my opinion of it! After you fifth purchase of this item in less than a month, I finally banned your sorry ass from buying anything at my store again. Every time i have to refund your money, I lose money myself! My credit card processor take 5% that I will never see again! You were a man buying a particularly LARGE (John Holmes) dildo...this doesn't mean that you are gay or anything and frankly I don't care on way or the other..but from the desperate, seeking emails you sent me and the number of times you asked for a refund, I am guessing that you couldn't come to grips with whatever angst you were feeling at the times you thought 10 inches of Ultra-Skin would feel REALLY good in your ass. 3. Woman who bought about $650 worth of stuff at Xmas, then emails me 6 months later claiming that she only got about half of her order: Sorry, but most normal people would let me know within a couple weeks of getting a tracking number that most of your order didn't show up. Oh, BTW, you had the WHOLE THING sent to one address, so please don't lie to me and tell me that over half of the people 'you had it shipped to' didn't get their items...how freaking stupid do you think I am? I am the only one running this company, so when you tell me to 'ask my shipping department what happened", I don't have to walk far to make that query. 4. Strange customers who keep 'reviewing' the John Holmes cock(that is ONE popular item)....I don't need you posting the same review 500 times! Holy crap, I get it! You LIKE this dick..... 5. People who have AOL or Yahoo accounts...WE STATE on our front page and BEFORE you place the order that you MUST add us to your address book on your email account to get your confirming email. For some reason we often can't get through to you. PLEASE don't email us threatening to call the BBB because you didn't get an email confirming your purchase of the Badunkadunk Booty "Do-it-in-the-Butt" RealSkin fake vagina/ass combo. We WANT to get that email to you! Trust me, you don't want to have to explain to the BBB or your credit card company why you are complaining/doing a charge-back for a $225 item that an elephant could easily have relations with. 6. Creepy guy that offered to exchange 'web services' for adult products: You wanted the Kobe Tai Ultra Realistic Ass and Pussy in exchange for helping me 'get my website out there."...Well, I'm guessing it's already out there since I get about $3000 worth of business a month- not to mention YOU found it so I can't be too far gone in cyber space that no one can hear me scream. I would REALLY feel a little weird setting up a relationship with you based on the knowledge that our first 'exchange' of funds was a phony pussy. It just would creep me out every time I talked to you to know that you were banging that fake vagina. Ick!!!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: everywhere <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-11T01:56:17-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/349423094.html To all my clients....from your friendly online porn store text Alluring, difficult woman seeks stable and assertive man http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/335213414.html I am in search of a patient, assertive, and attractive man to aid me in my quest for self-improvement. These qualities are non-negotiable and the explanation is as follows. After two intense failed relationships, {both which, in retrospect, were almost completely my fault but I was able to successfully manipulate things so as to make each man believe they were in the wrong} I have spent a lot of time thinking about who I am and I have isolated several personality traits that make it somewhat difficult for a normal person to have a relationship with me. I am looking for a man who is secure enough in himself to tolerate our exciting lifestyle {a background or degree in psychology is a plus.} I am determined to find a healthier way of approaching things, as I never want to ruin anyone's life ever again. I have decided to be completely honest right off the bat, therefor eliminating the time it takes to 'get to know one another' {i.e. time it takes for you to realize I am a complete psycho- but by then you are completely helpless to resist my allure and charisma and are unable to wrench yourself from me, your beautiful demise.} Some things you should know: *I have a major 'Daddy' complex. My father, whom I adored as a god, left when I was young. No matter how well you treat me, you will never be as good of a man as my Daddy. *I will never trust you. The first of two men I thought I loved and slept with cheated on me time and time again, and impregnated other women and paid for their abortions with my money. I did not find any of this out until two years into our relationship when we had a home and a life together and I was pregnant with a child of my own. These indiscretions, and my tendency to be rash and impulsive led to me having an abortion. I am prone to bouts of melancholy and self-hatred because of the guilt I still feel over this decision. *I have no communication skills. I will never tell you what is wrong with me, nor will I share any of my secrets, fears, hopes or dreams with you. {I do have several of these- one of them is to someday not be so crazy.} You will have to pry information out of me. I feel like if I confide in you, when I ultimately drive you away- which I am bound to do- you will have these personal pieces of me and that makes me feel vulnerable and I am terrified of being vulnerable. *I have an addictive personality. I was a crack addict when I was 15-16, and relapsed again when I was 18. I like to think I have conquered these addictions but it wouldn't surprise me if I relapsed again. *I am a cold and unemotional bitch. This, of course, is all a facade, but you will constantly wonder if I truly care about you or not. If you do not pay me 100% of your attention, I will feel rejected and inwardly wonder why you do not love me. Then I will pretend that you are nothing more to me than a mote of dust- which of course I do not notice. If you pay me too much attention I will feel cagey and suffocated and walk out the door without telling you where I am going and may not return for several days. No matter how long we are together, you will never see me cry. I am a brick wall. **CLARIFICATION**- About once every five months I will cry over my vacuumed fetus but when this happens I will lock myself in the smallest possible space I can find so you cannot see me. This is usually a closet or a bathroom, although I was partial to a large trunk I owned until someone confiscated it with my best interests in mind. *Although I will always be completely faithful to you, I will have no less than five men in line who are able and willing to keep me platonic company if you ever need to leave for any reason. This is because I cannot bear to be alone, even though I pretend that that is all I want. *I am terrified of commitment. Know that I will never marry you, or if in a moment of confusion I do agree to marry you, I will not show up on our wedding day. *I have some sexual preferences that some people may not be able to handle. I want sex several times a day and I like to be hit, choked, and called nasty names. Please be comfortable with such abuse. * I am incredibly indecisive. I do not know what I want to eat, wear, or do at any given time. Once we have reached a decision I will change my mind. I am also extremely scatterbrained and lose my keys, phone, wallet, etc. on a regular basis. I will expect you to be able to locate these items. I am also very impatient and want what I want when I want it, with no regards to your feelings. *I throw punches when I feel cornered. I kickbox, so they are good punches. Now that that is out of the way, I do have some redeeming qualities! *I am beautiful, intelligent, educated and articulate. You can be assured that all of your family and friends will envy you for having such a wonderful girlfriend. I am definitely the girl you can bring home to mom. You and only you will know of my dichonomy and my psychotic antics when we are alone. *I can cook a mean steak. *When I am happy, {which is a good portion of the time} you will feel like the most amazing man alive and the center of my universe. *I am artistically gifted. *I have a stable and lucrative career. *I make friends with everyone, including homeless people and vicious dogs. I take bugs out of my house and let them go. As mentioned, I am extremely charismatic and you will be unable to resist my charms. I guarantee you will fall in madly and twistedly love with me, and although you know that I will ultimately leave you in an emotional bloody shredded heap in pursuit of my own needs, you will be unwilling and unable to exorcise me from your life, so serious replies only, please. P.S.- Please be an animal lover. If you are not, then I am not the girl for you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-21T10:39:55-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/335213414.html Alluring, difficult woman seeks stable and assertive man text Yesterday was hell http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/333345372.html All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience: 0.Occupied 1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one. 2.Poo on seat. 3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet. Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. - Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??" Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. - Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-18T07:44:54-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/333345372.html Yesterday was hell text you PISSED on my floor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/325829361.html so I know things weren't going well. I tried to break up nicely a lot of times. I really didn't want to hurt you, but neither of us were happy. We were both miserable infact. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It would have been lovely if we had both fallen madly and passionately in love- but we didn't. it needed to end. all of that, however doesn't explain why YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR and then you left. I called to see if you had somehow slipped. I was hoping there was an explanation. You hung up on me. I'm pretty sure that means you deliberately PISSED ON MY FLOOR i don't even know what to say to that. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure I can protect your dignity anymore. I need to tell everyone, because it's so fucking crazy. YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR. I have a new rule in my apartment now. Its the NO PISSING ON THE FLOOR RULE. it goes like this- DON'T PISS ON MY FUCKING FLOOR. thanks for a good laugh though. It's so much better than the cliche shit that ends way too many relationships. I"m sure the next time I break up with someone, I'll be saying AT LEAST HE DIDN"T PISS ON MY FLOOR.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: not in the toilet <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-07T01:23:42-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/325829361.html you PISSED on my floor text Celebrity Nail clippings for Elementary Math tutor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/322080302.html I work at a very prestigious nail salon in new york, with an a-list clientel. I have a collection of nail clippings from various clients such as Cameron Diaz, Gweyn Stephani, Beyonce and Scarlett Johansen. My son who is in 7th grade is in desperate need of a Math tutor. I live in Manhattan and I would be willing to meet at a mutual location with my son. I will be willing to trade my collection for four one hour sessions. Serious inquiries only please. Thank you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-01T00:31:24-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/322080302.html Celebrity Nail clippings for Elementary Math tutor text How to Write an Effective Missed Connection http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/318846660.html Gazing From Afar Be Specific There are 8 million people in New York City. Don't assume the person you think you missed a connection with saw you, let alone remembers you. Be specific! Name which train, which direction, the time, the street, the stop, the bar, their initials, hair color, eye color, embarrassing tattoo placement, the song that was playing on the Jukebox at the time... For God sake, people, be specific! You're trying to make the connection this time! Focus on Them You were wearing a brown jacket with beige trim and have black, slightly highlighted hair, swooping three inches to the left? That's great, but what were they wearing? You noticed them. How do you expect them to know you're looking for them if you can only talk about yourself? Be Brief Keep it short and sweet. Nobody wants to read a dissertation about the person you think you might have possibly made eyes at on the subway. Get in and get out. Pay a Compliment You've been thinking about this person long enough to get on the Web and type something up, so take the time to make your compliment count. Most girls don't want to hear, "Your ass looked so damn fine." You are trying to get her to write you, remember? People tend to like words like "beautiful", handsome, "breathtaking", "gorgeous". If you're at a loss, check a Thesaurus [see also: dictionary.com]. Write Properly This is your second chance at a first impression. Don't blow it with bad grammar. If you're too lazy to hit the Shift key every now and then, at the very least, make the effort to type out full words, write in complete sentences, and punctuate. And for God sake, stop screaming. Don't Beg Yes, we know you'd love to talk to this person. We know, because you just spent (hopefully only) a couple sentences explaining who they are and why you noticed them. If you did a good job with this, it really isnt necessary to reiterate that you'd love to talk. That is why you filled out the e-mail form at the bottom of the page. Be Charming or Clever Chances are good that they didnt notice you the first time, but if youve done a good job describing them, and are charming, cute, or clever enough in your delivery, you still have a shot in hell that they might contact you anyway. And if they did notice you the first time, a little charm never hurt anyone. We Talked, But I Was Too Shy What did we talk about? Mention something memorable you said, because the person you spoke with may have talked to a lot of people that night. Our Time Has Passed, But Be Specific If random spottings on the streets of New York need specificity, its possible that its even more crucial here. Many people have experienced bad breakups. Many people are missing someone or are hoping they are missed. Vagueness is not endearing here. Use the persons initials and mention at least one thing that only the intended person would recognize or know about. The downside to not being specific enough here is that everyone will think its about them, which brings us to Dont Start a Conversation You shouldnt need to start an ongoing conversation in order to figure out whether or not you are the intended receiver of the missed connection. These can go on for pages, and are frankly annoying. Follow step one and you wont need step two. If you are the intended receiver of the missed connection, there are e-mail links included for a reason. Use them. I Gave You My Number, But You Never Called This isn't a missed connection. This is tough shit.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The Internets <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-25T19:48:45-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/318846660.html How to Write an Effective Missed Connection text An EPIC mount! (warcraft players look inside) - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/308349637.html Hello I need 5000 world of gold for my epic flying mount. In return you can mount me. You have to have an account on the laughing skull server and I want the 5000 gold BEFORE we do anything, we can make the trade at your place since I can't host. EDIT: Because I am having a lot of dumb guys message me who clearly don't have the gold make SURE to send: a picture of yourself and a screenshot of your character with the 5000g, I will be checking armory profiles, thanks. I play a level 70 night elf druid and would prefer someone who was into roleplaying (I have a costume!) but honestly anyone will do, as long as you have the gold. I would also be ok with a woman too, as long as you have the gold! Also not adverse to the idea of groups\anal. Please send a pic and be real and drug\disease free with 5000 gold on the laughing skull server.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-08T20:07:25-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/308349637.html An EPIC mount! (warcraft players look inside) - w4m text I will apologize because I don't feel like going to jail. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/283039616.html Im in the subway in New York city and its rush hour. Im in a torture chamber. Im crammed between a mans slimy perspiring arm pit, a woman with a stroller and an older lady who keeps looking over at me and saying... "Dont fucking touch me, bitch." ...every time the train sl