Thanks for the Memories: the Top Ex-Girlfriends as Jerk-Off Material
I have a somewhat limited imagination, and accordingly, this means my masturbatory life - which, I'm happy to say, compliments my hot sex life with my girlfriend - is mostly made up of remembering past romps. Without further adieu . . . the ranking of my top ex-girlfriends in terms of masturbatory satisfaction.
1. The tattooed nymphomaniac with perfect tits. Not only were you beautiful (and tattoos aren't even my thing), you were up for anything at anytime, any way, and your lips, nipples on those gorgeous pert softballs and outer labia were all the same pinkish orange color, which still makes me hot for some reason. Alas, when we broke up you called me 187 times in a row through the night, probably as a result of the same deep-seated psychological problems that made you crave sexual attention from me 24-7. While we did just about everything together (you were the first to take me up your ass) all of the masturbatory material of note involves your tits bouncing as we fuck. Thanks for the memories.
2. The long thin editor who’d never been done right before. Lucky for me, every other guy you ever dated (including some famous dudes, said you) apparently had a 4” weenie, didn’t do oral and prematurely ejaculated, because from what you said I was the sexual champ of all time. You screamed for my cock and came so hard and so often when we fucked that you ended up looking cross-eyed and brain damaged when we were done. There was incentive to do this to you on general principle and also because you were so tidily put together and articulate the rest of the time that turning you into a sweaty, bedheaded and exhausted heap of a fuck slut was really a pleasure. You swore that this had never happened with any other guy, which was hard to believe considering that your blowjob technique was clearly practiced to be deliciously moist, sloppy, and hot. I would advise any woman reading this to lie to men the way you did to me, as it makes our balls ache. Too bad you were such a shallow person – but I did appreciate the six months of booty calls after the breakup.
3. The Asian Fetish Cycle. It’s discomfortingly racist of me, sorta, but when I’m in a hurry I like to think of both of your small, boyish asses staring up at me as I plow into you from behind, feeling like John Holmes on account of the fact that each of you only weighed 95 pounds. Both of you were also into waxing yourselves – the “porn star tuft” and the Kojak – which added a little variety to the plentiful bootay I was getting in that stage of my life. It was an ugly period in my life and you both treated me like an ATM, but it makes for some hot wanks when I’ve got to make things quick.
4. The Redheaded Model/Painter. It’s hard not to fondly remember a girl who drops to her knees the first time you kiss her in your apartment, grins devilishly and devours your cock. That you liked to be manhandled (within bounds, natch) and fucked fiendishly hard was also a plus. Unnervingly, your totally shaved cooter reminded me of a whole raw chicken when you put your legs up – especially with the razor bumps – but this does not detract from the fantastic memory of holding those long alabaster ankles up in the air and going to town.
5. The Random Girls. You were not the hottest bunch, I did almost all of you when I was intoxicated, and I didn’t see most of you more than once. But every once in a while those key moments with each of you all run together in a hot little vignette of weird orgasmic shudders, bizarre sexual utterances, goofy accents and a host of other quirky personal acts that don’t make it into the monogamous man’s sex life. Hope you’re all doing well – sometimes I line all of you up and . . . well, you know the story there.
6. Ay Havana. The busty cuban hottie who called me papi chulo when she was coming in her little apartment in Brooklyn was awesome, and she was the first girl I ever fucked in a bathroom at a club. You’re another one that’s always good to remember when I need a quick throw, being the sexually impulsive, ever-ready tramp that you were.
7. The Other Redheaded Model. I was 18, you were 23 and you talked dirty to me while I fucked the shit out of you for days at a time. Big, pendulous tits hanging down when you got on all fours, spread your ass open and told me to fuck you with my big cock. I don’t have a big cock, and I can’t imagine my rapid repeat performances were satisfying for you, but you let me drill you all summer long just the same. I savor these sessions.
8. The G-Spot Diva. Sex with you at the beginning was a quest for the vaginal orgasm, on account of you weirdly not liking oral (and I am a capable, suggestible guy in this department – references available upon request). Once we got it down, though, we had huge awesome mutual orgasms that went on and on and left us shaking. Grr.
9. The Sorority Initiation Rite. Okay, so this one never happened, but it is convenient with all of the nifty porno that’s out there. Being able to put a face/ass/tits to blowjob girl #4 and assream girl #2 while still coming up with a credible (ahem) story – hey, solo lovin’ just doesn’t get any better than this. I save this one for days off when I’ve really got some time.
That’s it, mostly. A few other ladies make the masturbatory cut now and then – the high school blowjob queen, hiker girl, ecstasy girl, even my current girlfriend – but fortunately this is enough to keep me occupied. Thanks to all of you, I’m comfortable settling down now, staying faithful to my girlfriend, maybe even having a couple of kids, since I know my sex life will always have enough variety to keep me sane.
And a special thanks to “Ay Havana” for disclosing the herpes early on and keeping me safe.