Laura, i will kill your bunny
An anecdote: on Sunday he busted out of his cage - a veritable jail break - and shit up a storm. But did he shit on our easily cleanable wood floor, you might ask? Nope, not there. What about the tiles in the kitchen area, and bathroom? No, that would have been too simple. Where then? Where did the little fellow do his business? On our fuck*ng beds and couches that's where! And where did ALL THAT BUNNY SHIT (and piss and vomit) come from, you might be wondering? Well, it seems the little guy got indigestion after eating through my copy of Brave New World. It's only one of my favorite books. The same copy I purchased when I was ten years old. That's the one he ate. LITERATURE IS NOT FOOD YOU STUPID STUPID RABBIT! There were some really crappy magazines sitting around the house. Seriously, I wouldn't have minded at all if you'd eaten that US Weekly, or the W or even the New Yorker. I'd read that New Yorker already. But why the HELL did you have to eat my brave new world? And why, oh why, did you have to vomit it up on my and my roommates bed?
But you know what, it's okay. I'm over it. I am. It's really, really, fine. My sheets are going to the dry cleaners, there's been so much febreeze sprayed that our house smells like a chemical plant, and we've all the heavy metal objects in our house are securing his cage as a prevention measure against future breakouts. Oh yeah, and I'll buy a new copy of the book.
But Laura, so help me god, if your sadistic evil dumb little bastard of a rabbit isn't out of our house within the next 48 hours i WILL let him out to play with the neighborhood kitties. And those are some touch motherf*cking kitties, let me tell you brother. I've seen them licking their wounds after fights. It aint pretty.
BUNNY WILL SUFFER! SUFFER SUFFER SUFFER!!!!!! YES SUFFER BUNNY SUFFER AND DIE! YES BUNNY DEATH! MuHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!
I, uh, don't know where that came from. I just really don't want this rabbit in my house anymore. I hate him as I have never before hated an animal in my life. I come home and see him wincing his little bunny nose, and I want to smash his little bunny face in.
Listen - Don't call PETA. This isn't my m.o. I really like animals. I'm a freaking vegetarian. I don't wear leather. I've rescued injured pigeons - (yes! pigeons! the rodents of the sky!) on more than one occasion. I LIKE animals.
I just REALLY HATE this bunny and hope he dies.
Really a lot.
Is that so much to ask?