Originally Posted: 2005-04-19 1:24pm
CRAIGSLIST THROUGH THE AGES
CRAIGSLIST NEANDERTHALIA (8000 BC):
What the fuck with Black Cave Tribe? Them always whine no enough mammoth to hunt. Me so sorry they almost go extinct from great blizzard, but shit … that like 15 moons ago! Black Cave have no one to blame but Black Cave. Why they no stop stealing meat from Red Cave? Why no get off lazy Black Cave asses and kill bison? They have tiny man-stick, anyway. Me know. Me see it. No ask me how! Me just know, that all.
CRAIGSLIST ANCIENT ROME (80 BC):
Tonight I’m going to Caligula’s place, where I’m gonna POUND three of the hottest slave-boys in the ass all night long, then blow a horse like it’s never been blown before.
What are you doing, losers?
CRAIGSLIST MEDIEVAL ENGLAND (1100)
Comely, well-built peasant with over five hectacres of bogland on Lord Northwesthamptonshire’s estate seeks attractive, ambitious, wide-hipped virgin for possible marriage/breeding scenario. At least 40% survival ratio of siblings preferred. More about me: gregarious, outgoing, plague-free (for over 8 harvests). You are: devout, unwavering, hearty, though enjoy a good cup of mead here and there.
Sorry, upper serf caste only.
CRAIGSLIST RENAISSANCE ITALY (1562)
And this dude ISN’T a faggot?
CRAIGSLIST MASSACHUSETTS BAY COLONY (1692)
We’re considering charging witches for using our site. Recently, we’ve gotten quite a few complaints from ordinary craigslist users about witches posting subtle Satanic messages on Ye Salem housing forum. In order to prevent everyday goodwives and men from being swayed to Ye side of the Dark Lord, we are weighing the possibilities of implementing a small penalty (maybe 5 bushels of maize?) for any witches found polluting Ye minds of our fair citizenry. Paypal will be accepted.
CRAIGSLIST LONDON (1842)
Seekin’ a wee bi’ of the owd wrecks on the head, are ye? A bi’ of a nice romp in me stickers, eh? I be’ I could offer you a nice bi’ a luck, if ya know wha’ I mean? Me charges is quite reasonable, what wi’ the growin’ rate bein’ wha’ i’ is. I ain’t one of ‘em funny-soundin’ Oirish lasses what’s missin’ all ‘em choppers, I ain’t. No, I’s a fine English hose, I am, if you get my thrift, eh? Fancy a go? Only sixpence for a nice slag round the corner wi’ maybe a bit of the owd slow gob, if you swallow my bead.
this is in or around SLAGGERS ROAD, NEAR THE NORF CIRCULAH
CRAIGSLIST BROOKLYN (1902)
Now hiring! The Dale corporation is offering many fine factory positions at our new Red Hook plant. Great opportunity for submissive, wide-eyed micks, wops, and kikes. Must be accustomed to the smell of burning carbide. Excellent, competitive wages, starting at 5 cents a day. Must have flexibility regarding hours and use of limbs. Normal schedule is 3:30AM-11:45PM Mon-Sun, though expect a few late nights every month. Benefits include escape from oppressive monarchy/famine, place in America’s mythic consciousness. APPLY TODAY!
CRAIGSLIST OMAHA (1953)
Gorgeous, compact, 3-bedroom home in new Plainsville Development. Located on lovely, eerily quiet block of insanely identical units. Wonderfully dull, soul-crushing atmosphere. Rigid anti-communist/black/atheist watch program. You’re part of America’s Greatest Generation! Now live a little, by selling your soul to General Mills!
CRAIGSLIST BELFAST (1972)
Ever dreamed of living in a self-contained, barricaded community where you risk getting shot by the British army in order to buy milk at the corner store? No? Well, that’s the best you’re goin’ te gat, ye feckin’ whiner!
This beautiful 1-bedroom apartment is located on Falls Road, convenient located near fuck all. Nice, spacious (350 sq. ft.) layout. Relatively quiet block (30% less tanks than last year). Plenty of rocks in the front yard for the wee hooligans to throw at the invading English cunts. Nice sunny exposure.
Seeking hardworking, Catholic family of 17 or less.
CRAIGSLIST CAMBODIA (1987)
Hey, anybody know why this board is so empty?
CRAIGSLIST NEW YORK (2005)
Terry Schiavo’s pope died motherfucking shit. Nigger honky LOL. Penis big? Penis small. Hate women men fucking liars fuck. Canada france RTOFL. Traffic god damn best of whore cock yes 5’10” or 30C or bigger. Drunk party weather job sucks cubicle Best Of?
I’m tired of hearing it, you Martian piece of shit! It’s always “humans did this, humans did that,” with you people. Umm, hello? We only stopped harvesting your brains for energy 112 YEARS AGO!!! Don’t you think it’s about time to get the fuck over it? And get a fucking job, you green monkeys! All day long I see you little fuckers on the street, selling protein strands to the Romulans. Holy shit, don’t even get me started on the Romulans …