So, first of all, congratulations to my good friends who got married last weekend. Congratulations, ďmazel tov,Ē good luck. It was great and I hope you guys are happy forever. That said, I couldnít help but look around at your wedding and think, ďWow. I donít want any of this.Ē But donít think that your wedding specifically turned me off to weddings. No, we are all now in our late twenties and wedding invitations appear in the mail with almost the same frequency that delivery guys slip take-out menus under my door. And now, having attended and been in a few weddings, I canít help but think ďI donít want any of it.Ē
I donít want a country club or a church. I donít want a hotel ballroom or a big white tent. I donít want a priest or a rabbi. I donít want 200 people there who I donít even know. I donít want numbered tables. I donít want to put all of my random ďsingleĒ friends at one table in the corner of the room, making them feel even more alienated than they already are at a stereotypically ďcoupledĒ event. I donít want bridesmaid drama. I donít want all of my bridesmaids wearing the same ugly color and the same ugly dress and hating their shoes so much that they curse me behind my back. I donít think I even want bridesmaids. I donít want anyone to sign a guestbook where they have to come up with some spontaneous wisdom about love and happiness. I donít want cute little party favors with the brideís and groomís names scripted in gold, proclaiming ďour special day.Ē I donít want people to figure out their seating arrangements by picking up their party favors, which are also wrapped in pink chiffon. I donít want a big white dress. I donít want to have to ask friends and cousins whom I see maybe once a year if their 5-year-old son/daughter whom I donít even really like can be my ring bearer/flower girl. I donít want guys in blue shirts and khaki pants measuring each othersí dicks with the phrase, ďSo, what do you do?Ē I donít want bored out of their mind cater waiters and bartenders, who hate weddings in a way that even I will never understand. I donít want ďcocktail hourĒ and passed hors díoeuvres and most people only caring about getting buzzed before the open bar ends. I don't want to mail out then sort through 300 invitations to find out who wants steak and who wants salmon. I donít want to be registered at Crate&Barrel. I donít want my friends finding that all the cheaper items on my registry are gone and that, like, five of them have to go in on a set of overpriced knives. I donít think I want a registry at all. I donít want to have to kiss all of my motherís friends on the cheek, or, even worse, all of my future mother-in-lawís friends. I donít want a color ďscheme.Ē I donít want a creepy DJ or a weird band that does a cover of YMCA. And I donít want the place turning the lights up at 10:30 telling us itís time to leave.
But I do want cake.
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