Originally Posted: 2005-03-22 10:18am

Rant: My Morning...

Ok… here’s one for the books. I have a roommate these days – a fellow who I’ve known for almost my entire time here in NY. Even my Mom’s met him a couple times before. Occasionally, he has had, in the most gracious sense, gentleman callers who spend the night. I have absolutely nothing against this; and would do the same should the right opportunity present itself. Now, before I go much further, I should explain the layout of my apartment. It’s called a ‘Large studio with office’. So picture a big studio apartment with a living area, bed near the windows and kitchen built into one wall. In addition there’s a separate small room in the back. My roomie’s bedroom is the back room; and the rest of the place is essentially my bedroom, kitchen and living space. So, on with the story: With my bed getting all the eastern light from the windows; I start waking up around 6:30 am these days, but don’t really get out of bed until 7:15 or so. At around 6:45 this morning I hear someone get up and putter around the kitchen. I crack my eyes open and lo and behold there is a fully naked stranger in the kitchen area. Even better, he is PEEING INTO MY KITCHEN SINK and STARING RIGHT AT ME as he’s doing it! I slammed my eyes shut and was so shocked and appalled that all I could even think was “Ch! Ch! Ch!” Presumably, it was a guest of my roommates but… I mean… Ch! It’s not even as if the bathroom (which is clean and well appointed) was in use! But wait, it gets better. Once he was, ah... done eliminating, he decides to walk past my bed to look outside through my windows; which I also catch out of a furtive peek. Then, decides to SIT DOWN NEXT TO ME on my fucking bed and begin to PET MY CAT (who sleeps with me). In case you missed it… this man is NAKED! NUDE! SWINGIN’ LOW! STARK-ASS-IN-THE-MOTHERFUCKING-NUDDY! At this point I ask him (in my best ‘fuck-off-now’ tone of voice) “Can I HELP you?” He replies, “Ah, no thanks – I’m good.” “CH! CH! CH! HOLY DAMNIT CHRISTMAS!” I think to myself. After a few breaths, I say (in my best ‘if-you-don’t-there’s-a-roundhouse-on-the-way’ tone of voice) “I think you need to get back in the other room.” He says, “Oh! Am I in the wrong room? Sorry, mate.” He then trundles off to the back bedroom and shuts the door. Needless to say, my gentle waking ritual was entirely ruined. I got up, showered in between revulsive shudders, and trundled myself off to work a bit early. Not such a bad thing, as it’s given me a little extra time to plan what to say to my roommate once he gets up and telephones me – let alone his friends once I see them next. this is in or around What used to be the sanctity of my home

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