Dear High School - take me off your alumni list
I’m writing to strongly encourage the removal of my name from your Alumni list.
Yes, yes, I know. I did in fact graduate from your high school. I’m not dumb. After all, my parents still have the graduation pictures in their home-office proudly showing off a time when my eyebrows were less-than fabulous. And believe me, my “Senior Pictures” (AKA: the very largest waste of $200 ever spent on a novelty cause) also mock me with their 1995 sensibility every time I’m checking e-mail at my parents’. So there is in fact, absolutely no doubt that I did attend and graduate from your “private” establishment. I know this. You know this. I know that you know that I know this.
You most likely think this very fact would make me proud, and somehow with enough coaxing convince me to make guilt-ridden contributions as an Alumnus. Especially now that I’m a working professional making a comfortable living. Unfortunately for you, however, I have no intention of ever making any contribution to you, monetary or otherwise. Why? Because I hate you. No, I actually abhor you. My ultimate wish is that your school, along with its administrators would GO UP IN FLAMES, be DESTROYED TO ASHES, never ever to return. Since that’s unlikely, however, I’m hoping that at the very least by outlining for you why I absolutely detest you, I can get you to stop sending me (or rather my parents’ house) crap in the mail in the name of “Alumni”. Here goes...
Reasons I hate you, old High School:
I. I never wanted to attend your school.
Yes, you heard me. I was never excited to be yanked out of my sophomore year at an exciting and perfectly fine public high school to go to your “private” school. The sad fact is that my parents thought they were saving me from the evil corruption of public school. And the reason they thought this is because THEY ARE FOREIGNERS. Enough said? They found out I had skipped a few classes to go to the mall and viewed it as an act of great rebellion. These aren’t fundamentalists, mind you – they just grew up in the American equivalent of the 1700’s. It was either send me back to the homeland, or send me to a tiny Christian school in the worst part of suburbia. Oh lucky, lucky me – they chose the latter. And that’s how I ended up at your school.
II. The education I received from you was sub-par to say the least.
Not only were none of your teachers mentally/emotionally/EDUCATIONALLY qualified, nor your curricula updated, your school was NOT ACCREDITED. Besides being just plain ridiculous, do you know what this meant for me when applying for college? That I had to take and score well on both the SAT’s AND the ACT’s. Oh and write extra essays in some cases. Can you believe this shit? I can. ‘Cause that’s what I had to do to get into college. Lucky for you I’m smart and did well. However, I hold this against you and always will.
III. The kids I went to high school with were judgmental, delusional assholes.
While as a transplant, I had at least some grasp on reality, they were all white and all fell into 2 categories:
A. Kids who grew up “in the church”, which meant they had been around people just like themselves all their lives, and had never been forced to make a single decision using their own judgment. They also thought public school was “really bad”. Ironically, a solid 55% of these graduates from your school ended up becoming drug addicts because they never learned to experiment within the confines of a parentally supervised life, hence never learning to say no, thanks.
B. Kids from completely white-trash families who’s parents utilized your school as a baby-sitting service, hoping their teen would stop having sex if she was going to a nice religious school. Something you may not know is that by ratio, your little school has a higher rate of drug-use and teenage pregnancy than any of its neighboring public schools. Aren’t you proud? You should put that on your website.
IV. Your principal is a sexual predator.
Don’t think I’m just talking about the dropped harassment lawsuit those 2 (admittedly whorish) juniors brought against him. If you recall, he is also a teacher there and the coach of the girl’s volleyball team - both postions that work well to his advantage. I personally witnessed his inappropriate “caresses” on multiple occasions. He didn’t molest me too much because he could tell that I knew he was a dirty old coward. However, this just meant that instead he treated me with a vindictive contempt, refusing to give me the grades and recommendations I deserved. But back to the very graphic educational “sex talks” during CALCULUS: It was nice to know that he and his wife hadn’t had sex in many months. Or that he was "aroused" by girls wearing skirts shorter than knee-length (and here I thought that was just a modesty rule). Oh, but I can’t decide which was the biggest gem… his accurate description of various “gay sex” acts (something I should’ve learned from an alternative weekly during college), or the fact that he told the guys in his health class that he knows for certain which girls are going to be very promiscuous as adults (then proceeded to name them). Awe!
V. Most of your students were really unattractive.
This may seem like a cheap shot, but come on! A pretty teenage girl is usually interested in meeting a cute teenage boy. She might also like to make other pretty friends who like fashion and maybe even aspire to be somebody. How is she to do these things when there are less than 100 people in the ENTIRE school, much less 10 attractive people? It wasn’t your dress code. I think your school just attracts the undesirable. I have, needless to say, sustained no friendships from high school. Why would I?
VI. I’m ashamed to tell people I went to your school.
I try to avoid it, but inevitably it comes up. And then I get those pity looks for not having gone to a “real” private school (which is true). So I have to quickly explain that it was really a “lesson learned” and that I’ll never send my future offspring to a 4th rate private school, and blah blah blah... yeah doll, go ahead and and fill up my wine glass, I got ALL NIGHT to bitch about this one. My husband even makes fun of me for it, not to mention my parents who are "just glad" I didn't get raped by the principal. The point here is, I wish I didn’t have to be embarrassed because of you.
And last but not least...
VII. I really, truly, resent your “Alumni Games”.
I know your school’s Mission Statement includes a deep dedication to being cheap bastards, but seriously! Aren’t these poor parents shelling out like 10 G’s a year? Where is that money going, if not to some semi-respectable annual Alumni activity? Listen up - not everyone played sports in school. And even those who did might like to sit down at a half-assed dinner once a year. But you are so unbelievably cheap that instead you just host a series of Alumni tournaments once a year – in your SCHOOL GYM. Tell me that reading this last line has suddenly made you at least vaguely embarrassed. Are there people actually going to this shitty event? Even my mom calls me to make fun of it before she tosses out my invite. Now if you rented a hotel with a view of the city, got Justin Timberlake to show up and shake his fine ass, then completed the evening by giving out bars of solid gold as parting gifts, I still wouldn’t come to your event. But the point is maybe you would like yourself a little more in the morning, and perhaps some of your real alumni would get plastic surgery to impress Justin, thereby increasing your “pretty” quotient (see V.). I don’t know – just get some self-respect for cryin’ out loud.
There you have it. Take me off your mailing list – I am not your alumnus.
(Dear CL-ers: You should know that I mailed this to my High School today. If you are remotely entertained, please hit BEST OF and make this girl’s tiny dream come true.)