And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Craigslist 12 O'Clock News
Gay, straight, liberal, or conservative,
lawyer, real estate, or just a kid,
wrap your weenie with a Trojan condom,
and blow a nutload--you'll be glad you did!
I'm Rubberhead Lichtenstein, and here's tonight's top story: it's day 7103 of the War of Political Ideology, and 12 liberals were "owned" in guerilla attacks by conservatives. The tide has been rushing against the Lefties since the election, and many suggest the shrill tone taken by the underdogs is in response to violations of the Geneva (New York) Convention on Moronic Internet Flame Warfare. Our embedded reporter, political analyst and former Teletubby Tinky Winky, files this report from our hipster studio in Park Slope:
TW: Thanks, Cranium, I'm here on 6th Avenue in Brooklyn where firstname.lastname@example.org has once again referred to supporters of gay marriage as "liberal jerkoffs". This kind of attack has been going on since the election but has really kicked into high gear for no apparent reason, apart from people really just seeming to enjoy making fun of other people anonymously. Until reinforcements from the Mounted Light Common Sense Infantry and the Armored Decency Ops Force arrive, it looks as though the senseless bitching and moaning...will continue, far into the night. Back to you, Brickbat.
Thanks, Tinky--watch yourself out there. In other news, the lightning rod personality of "SLIG" has now been simultaneously proven to both be and not be a Mr. Phil Vaubel; a Mr. Tony Vaubel; a Mr. Zipp Jugular of Baldwin, NY, a Ms. Queen Elizabeth II of London, England; and seven Columbia undergraduates all named Kyle. The poster or posters claiming to be SLIG reject an "owned" tag handed them by the poster or posters claiming to know who SLIG is, issuing statements like "I'll get you--I'll get all of you!", before walking away to cry alone in the nurse's office while nurturing his future supervillain persona. All parties involved have been offered counseling sessions by the Suffolk County Commission to Get Rid of All the Stupid People.
In sports today, we find out that Yankees closer Mariano Rivera may have choked in last year's Big Playoffs against the Boston Red Sox, leaving the sports world still reeling from the country's largest "The Shoe Is On The Other Foot Now, Huh" pissing contest. Hipsters in Williamsburg have no comment, since they don't really care about baseball, man...that's way too old-school.
Our Personality of the Week award goes to the increased visibility and vitriol of the "ALL CAPS LESBIAN", a poster who has taken public a very private battle she has waged against what she perceives to be society's largest and most pervasive issue: the smell of male genitalia. Even--the very presence of male genitalia. Reception to her message is mixed among women, while most men on Craigslist are receiving her posts with an ironic and condescending grain of salt--salt which Ms. LESBIAN proposes to rub into the wounds left by her plan to remove and burn all penes, testicles, and male pubic hair in the five boroughs and Northern New Jersey. Work in earnest begins after a ribbon-cutting ceremony featuring Hillary Clinton, Martha Stewart, and the mother of the kid who's accusing Michael Jackson of rubbing his balls while whacking off.
Tomorrow's CL weather: unseasonably self-righteous with occasional flurries of chain letters. Poll pollution rating continues its downward trend as the jet stream is now totally full of people who know how many times a 33/f masturbates per week.
Once again, I'm Pinkston Diego for the Craigslist 12 O'Clock News. Good night.