best of craigslist > new york > To the guy at the Oatmeal Bar at Au Bon Pain
Originally Posted: 2005-03-10 10:16am

To the guy at the Oatmeal Bar at Au Bon Pain

Dear Sir:

So there I was standing impatiently at the oatmeal bin, giving you the old passive-aggressive signs to hurry your arse up. For some reason the act of getting the oatmeal from the bin to the cup, was proving to be an extraordinarily difficult for you, such that you needed to take quite a bit of time doing so. Now I understand that the large ladle that Au Bon Pain puts into the Oatmeal Bin, can be somewhat unwieldy. Especially when it is gets that congealed oatmeal layer on it. But none-the-less, I was in a rush to get to my office so I could read craigslist RnR. "Tick-tock, tick-tock". Then you did it.

After taking all this time to carefully transfer oatmeal from the bin to your cup, you had manage to overfill the thing. I can understand. You, like me, pay $2.49 for something that essentially costs about $.05. If you are getting marked up 5000%, that you need to make sure every bit of your cup is filled. But instead of just finding a garbage and dumping out the overfilled sutff to that, you instead took the giant ladle, and scooped what was in your cup back into the bin.

Motherfucker! I know you hadn't eaten anything out of your cup. But the idea, of something that is in your personal proximity, going back into the communal serving bowl, made me cringe. You must have seen my cringe, as you turned half-arsedly to me and said "I.... uh...... overfilled." I averted meeting your eyes, and just stared at the oats. mmm... tasty oats.

After you transferred your personal oatmeal back into the communal bins, I quietly weighed my options. I could go to the deli accross the street, and get oatmeal from their bin. But they add sugar and whole milk to their oatmeal bin. And may in fact be quick oats. They don't have good pure oats like Au Bon Pain does. And I watched your for 3 minutes, as you transferred oatmeal from the bin to your cup, and not once did your fingers or any other part of your body touch the contents of your cup.

I sucked it up, gave out a passive-aggressive sigh, stirred the oatmeal bin repeatedly, hoping to dilute whatever cooties you may have transferred back to the communal bin.

Now I quickly and efficiently transferred oatmeal using the congealed laden ladle, from the bin to my cup. With two scoops, I had completed my task, and was ready to move on to the fixin's. Nothing makes the morning oatmeal experience like a little cinamon, and some raisins. But wait, who do I encounter at the fixin's bar. It was you.

You were using a plastic bag. Instead of adding the fixin's to the cup which contained the oatmeal, you were putting this stuff in the plastic bag. And it wasn't just a few things. It was everything. Au Bon Pain, must have 8 different items to top your oatmeal with. And you had to put every single one of them into your plastic bag. And not just a little bit of everything. It was a lot of bit of everything. Were you going to go into your office and top your fixins with your oatmeal? Were you going to squirrell away your fixins, in fear that Au Bon Pain might not put out their fixin's tommorow? Tick-tock motherfucker, don't you know I have to get into my office to read the latest bit of rascist rantings on CL RnR?

At the point, I wanted to repeatedly pummel you with congealed oatmeal laden ladle.

I resisted the urge. I just wanted to drop you this note, to let you know you are seriously retarded.

Thanks for leaving some raisins for me.

Sincerely,

-f.m.


this is in or around Battery Park

post id: 63132398

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