Originally Posted: 2005-03-03 10:10am

It's 10 Items Or Less, moron

Iíve tried to simplify it. But I just donít think they can make that message any clearer than it already is: 10 Items Or Less. It seems fairly self-explanatory, so whereís the confusion? What, exactly, do some of you think that sign says?

10 Items Or Less (except for you)
10 Items Or Less (just kidding)
10 Items Or Less (unless you have deemed yourself more important than everybody else on the planet, including the seething 32-year-old clichť behind you who just wants to buy a bottle of wine and some ice cream and go home to her cat)

Okay, maybe you canít count. Well, I have a solution for that: DONíT GO TO THE GROCERY STORE ALONE. Now, I want to be perfectly clear on this point, so pay attention: If you cannot accurately count to ten you should not be allowed to leave your house without adult supervision. Got it? Good.

But you say you know how to count and how to read, you just choose to ignore the well-lit, strategically-placed 10 Items Or Less sign? Well then you belong in the same category as those imbeciles who think there should be valet parking at the dry cleanerís. And those people do exist, Iíve seen them.

And donít tell me you donít get it. Iíve been to plenty of grocery stores, in plenty of states. And every last one of them had a 10 Items Or Less lane. So the wolves who raised you must have kept you under a pretty big rock if you canít get on board with this idea: 10 Items Or Less means 10 Items Or Less. Period. End of discussion. Let someone in with 11 items and you will find yourself on a very slippery slope, my friend.

And for those of you ready to pull the language card: forget about it. 10 Items Or Less translates (more or less). En espaŮol: 10 artŪculos o menos. Auf deutsch: 10 punkte oder weniger. PŚ norsk: 10 Ting Eller Mindre. Did you notice anything? A pattern perhaps?

The number 10. Not 13, not 14, not 15, and because itís not the ďDivisible By 10Ē lane, 20óthe very concept of 20ómakes my brain hurt. And donít insult my intelligence, Iím not stupid (I may have too much time on my hands, but Iím not stupid), donít even try to put one of those little dividers between items 1Ė10 and 11Ė20. That molded piece of plastic doesnít impress me and it doesnít change a damn thing.

And now for the cashiers: listen up because you have a hand in this mess too (and before anybody gets their panties in a twist, I can say this because I, too, was once a grocery store cashier). I realize that being a grocery store cashier may not afford you the same power as, say, being the Pope, but you have got to seize opportunities where you can.

The Express Lane can be a daunting and demanding mistress, I know, Iíve been there. But you can handle her. After all itís your deft agility and fierce commitment to getting me out of that store as fast as humanly possible that got you to the Express Lane in the first place. You donít ask how I am or how my day was, mostly because you couldnít care lessóbut more importantly, you donít ask because you are focused. Focused on not seeing me for one second longer than is absolutely necessary.

And I love you for that.

So dammit, grab that Express Lane by the short and curlies and donít let go. You canít let the inmates run the asylum. If you see someone coming at you with a basket so woefully overloaded that one shoulder may permanently hang lower than the other, take a stand. By God, put your foot down and end this madness. Believe me, Iíve got your back. I also have a nice Chardonnay and a pint of Chunky Monkey and am not afraid to use either of them.

this is in or around Frozen Food

post id: 62106492

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