O Brother, Where Art My Sandwich?
I would like to take a moment to thank you for eating the sandwich that I made for my lunch today. It gives me such a warm sense of satisfaction to know that you had something to stuff your face with late last night when you staggered drunkenly into my apartment. What exactly you were doing in my apartment last night, I have yet to discover but I'm sure it'll make an amusing little anecdote later this afternoon when you finally wake up and answer your cell phone.
You see, brother dearest, while my sandwich could hardly be described as a 'culinary delight', it was still very precious to me. I put quite a lot of effort into it in my new drive to save money. I went to the store. I lugged a bag full of groceries home. I made my sandwich and wrapped it in foil. I then lovingly placed it in tupperware, in a plastic bag, in my fridge. You clearly did not share this respect that I had for the sandwich. You only ate half of it and you skipped the crusts. Which you left. On my floor. Along with the other half of the sandwich.
I was not surprised when I awoke this morning to find you sprawled asleep in front of my tv. At this point, I'm well used to you locking yourself out of your apartment when you're drunk. The remains of a sandwich on the floor didn't even alarm me. I assumed that you had made yourself something to eat last night. Suprisingly, when I consider how selfish you are, I still didn't suspect you of eating my lunch. It was only as I was running out the door, late for my bus, that I discovered, with horror, the full extent of your crime. I have tried to pass your behaviour off as drunkeness. But how drunk were you to be able to battle plastic, tupperware and foil when there was other, easier food available to you??
So here I am. It's lunchtime and I have $2. That doesn't even buy me a slice you selfish motherfucker!! I feel slightly guilty to wish this but may my sandwich strike you down with diarrhea and food poisoning. Or at least add a few more pounds to that fat ass of yours.