lesbian seeks lesbro Part IV: Harper's-style (Introducing the Lesbrie) - w4m
# of men (trolling around Casual Encounters at 2:45 am on a Tuesday) who told ME to get a life: 1
# of men concerned that I’m screwing some company out of my brain power, by posting to CL on the company’s dime: 4 (I’m using my own dimes, thank you).
# of men who think I am too cheap to just ‘go to a goddamned sperm bank”: 3
# of men who said that I am their new hero: 18
# of men who claimed, “I am not your typical guy”: 236
# of men who brought up William Weld, and then asked, remember him?: 1
# of men who said they could/would/can’t wait to kick my ass at pool: 133
# of men who thanked me for giving them a new title (lesbro/lesbreaux) other than ‘horny-dyke’s-bitch-for-the-night’: 1
# of men who asked me to hook them up with a gmail account: 1 (I said I would, but then realized that in order to do that, I will have to give up my identity---if someone has gmail to give, email me and I’ll give you the guy’s info).
# of (grown) men with ‘Garfield’ as part of their email name: 4 (wtf?)
# of bisexual men who are pissed off because they don’t have a moniker: 7 I’ve given it some thought and here it is….wait for it….lesbrie (like the cheese that goes with everything at parties).
# of men who mentioned their penis size: 177
# of men who just sent a picture of their penis: 9
# of men who just sent a picture with the following text: “Hit me back at 718/646/212…..”: 17
# of deleted men (from post #2) who wrote back: 3
# of men who misunderstood what ‘education’ referred to and wrote me a long list of schools they attended or didn’t attend and so on: 6
# of men who mentioned Dostoyevsky: 18 (interesting, huh?)
# of men who said they want an insight into women because they are ‘clueless’: 32
# of men who say, (Everyone—men and women—flirts with me: 3
# of same men who didn’t attach a pic: 3
# of men who listed CL as evidence that they do, in fact, read.: 65
# of men whose entire email to me used mountain climbing as a metaphor for sex and who, I think, should really move back out west: 1 (you know who you are, ‘cliff jumper’)
# of men who listed taking a nap with me as a potential activity: 5
# of men who told me that they are married: 194
# of men who said that they, ‘love the shit out of’, ‘really dig’, ‘are completely in love with’, ‘madly in love with’ and so on, their wife: 19
# of Republican Committeemen who emailed me: 1
# of very hairy backs I’ve seen: 18
# of men who just really want to be my friend: 169
# of men who are in a serious relationship but claim that they just can’t commit: 96!
# of men who have tried to bribe me to choose them with digital cable: 2
# of men who have tried to bribe me to choose them with ’23 gigs of downloadable music’: 1
# of men just out of a serious relationship, and not looking for anything meaningful: 17
# of men who would have put himself in the running if only I wanted to play darts instead of pool: 1
# of men who think I should copyright this idea and make it a reality tv show: 4 (Funny, I have a friend who is a copyright/trademark lawyer and she’s drawing up papers now). TV execs can email lesbro at gmail dot com.
# of men who think I should make lesbro/lesbreaux/and now lesbrie, t-shirts: 17
# of men who think I should create an advice column/blog: 6
# of men who quoted Walt Whitman in their email to me: 3
# of men who stated that the reason they are not creepy is because they were just asked to be the godfather of a friend’s baby: 1
# of my friends who have told me that i should email the lesbian who is posting for a lesbro because they think we would be great together: 1
# of men who think I am a great catch: 19
# of women who have emailed me: 0
# of lesbians who have emailed me: 0
# of lesbians (or someone posing as a lesbian) who put an MC for me on Missed Connections: 1 (godblessher).
and here’s where we stand—we’re now at 34 contenders because:
# of men who I actually established a date with: 1
# of men who didn’t show: 1
(Original Post #3)
Hey, It's me once again. Since my original two posts two days ago, 487! (mostly*) straight men have taken over this lesbian's inbox. You have made me shut down my computer, slowly back away from it, and run like hell out of my front door. I now have a Pavlovian response--sweaty palms, nausea, bleary eyes, butterflies--to my powerbook. Thanks.
My quest for my lesbro has changed my being-in-the-world experience. Straight men, I've noticed, are EVERYWHERE--(I had no idea.)--on the subway, in the grocery store, on the sidewalk, at the gym, in movie theatres (yes, I've seen two movies in an effort to stay away from said computer). And since I've seen ~300 pictures of faces and various male anatomical parts over the last 48 hours**, I feel like I know each and every one of you fairly, well, intimately. And I imagine you're all looking at me, thinking 'she's kinda hot, but/and she looks kinda dyke-y, maybe that's her'.
Well, this whole thing started with one dictate to myself--'follow one
impulse per day.' The 'lesbian seeks lesbro' impulse was felt in a
post-masturbatory, frustrated funk. I thought Q: how will I find my lesbro? A: the same way I found my parrot, TV stand, last girlfriend, sold my ipod, bought my cellphone that wasn't unlocked (adriana345 at aol dot com sucks, by the way), found 'activity partners', and managed to fuck off countless hours of my life---Craigslist.
Today's impulse (partially spurred
by emailer number 487 (who is happily married and claims to spend as much time on casual encounters as in 'for sale: sporting goods' on Craigslist...yeah, whatever) was to create a lesbro email account, separate from my personal email acccount, so I can get my virtual life back. that email is lesbro at gmail dot com registered to one, Les Bro. Les is taking questions and still taking candidates for the lesbro competition.
Speaking of the competition, here's where it stands. There are six contenders who have been notified--they got the 'you have made it to the final round' email. Unfortunately, (sorry guys) I totally flaked-and-bailed on you when I had to leave the computer--do my laundry, go to the gym, live my life, and so on. I'm very sorry. There is one guy, who shall remain nameless, who I am meeting on Saturday for coffee. I'll let you know how it goes. There are 28 others who are squarely in the running who have not been notified (so we have a grand total of 35. And I'm considering doing some sort of lesbro pool tournament/event for all of you--to whittle it down further. It can be a sex-and-politics Q&A eight ball thing-y sponsored by Brooklyn Brewery.***
Incidentally, this exercise has taught me that I'm a narcissist: all of the men I chose seeem an awful lot like me. In fact, almost without exception they are either writers, editors, or political hacks. Mike and Steve, the original two hotties--didn't hold my attention for long, which means, of course, that for all of you average-looking wordsmiths, you are blessed with the ability to beat out hot men and attract, that's right, LESBIANS. Congratulations and good luck on your future dating endeavors.
There's a budding quantitative social scientist in me who is crunching the numbers, so part IV will include statistics in Harper's Index form, (for example: number of men I already know in my professional life who responded to the original post (thankfully he attached a pic): 1) as well as a definition section. 18 of you had no idea what a pillow queen is. Stay tuned.
*For all of you gay guys who posted and think you might like to 'stick your toe in'to dating women again...and you may as well start with a lesbian, go figure. I have named you lesbreauxs, which I quite like. I think it's sort of inspired.
**(really, you should stick to face pics unless asked otherwise PARTICULARLY if you're responding to someone who hasn't had contact with penis in a decade--don't scare her off, man)
***If you or someone you know works for Brooklyn Brewery (or another quality beer-maker) and might like to sponsor such an event, have them email lesbro at gmail dot com.
Original (second) post
Lesbian seeks Lesbro (redux)
Me again. This is starting to feel like some alternative version of emilidate. Okay, so in the hour or so since I posted, I have received 73 emails from you dyke-lovin' men. 22 of you are named Jeff--I don't know what that is about--incidentally, 7 of you are named Michael.
I'm working on creating a short list, but wanted to keep everyone posted on where they stand. First of all, regarding qualification #4:'you musn't be creepy', having an email name which shows up in my inbox as 'g spot' or 'pussy licker' puts you squarely in the creepy category, my friend. Just sayin'. You were deleted immediately. Sorry.
If you said, "When I lick, I can really plug into your experience..." you were deleted.
If you started your reply, "Hey, I work on Wall Street..." BORING. Deleted.
If you asked if I wanted a Democrat or a Republican...you guessed it, uh, or maybe you didn't. Deleted.
If you asked if I have ever considered a threesome cause your girlfriend, wife, fuckbuddy blah blah is bi, uh yeah, that has crossed my mind and i'm not into it because as i say over and over both explicitly and implicitly in the original post, i don't want drama. Deleted.
to the 'prince' who started his post with the word, 'rats!', i found that cute and you're still in the running.
to 'John Ashcroft', i liked your movie and you're still hangin' in.
to 'Irreverent NYC' -- i like that you're verbal--you're in, especially if your name is Jeff. kidding.
to 'adam'--you seem sane and interesting enough to at least have a beer.
to 'john' who wants to stick his toe in. i like you.
to 'mike' i think you're hot. you're in.
to 'jeff' who asked about canadian immigration laws, i do actually. i know a lot--go here: https://www.immigration.ca by the way, you're in.
to the guy from north dakota who used the word 'schmoopy' six times--i don't know what to think, but i didn't delete.
to the guy with the dog named martha strobel, i'm dying here laughing. so cute. i too have a dog who lives with her mom (my ex). you're in.
to steve who is on his way to milan--if those pics are really yours, you're in.
to those of you who are in, you'll hear from me soon. to all the rest, thanks for playing.
this is in or around brooklyn