Originally Posted: 2005-01-07 3:02pm

It's so hard to find true love...


These are actual pickup lines men have used on me. I can’t believe these folks can walk and chew gum at the same time, much less think I would have given them my phone number after dropping such jewels as the following:

“I’d like to eat you out while watching ESPN.” – from a 24-year-old who wore a three-piece suit (yes, he wore a vest with that suit) to a nightclub. I wasn’t drunk when he tried the above line on me, but he must have been, because he blurted it out proudly, even with a touch of condescension, as if he was painstakingly explaining dialectical materialism to a 4th grader. What is so sad is that he either 1) tried this out on the mirror at home over and over again with just the right angle to that cheesy, cock-sucking smile, just like a Real Playa or 2) heard it from a frat buddy and thought it was SO COOL that decided to give it a shot. This begs a different response – do I just laugh in his face? Give him an aghast look? Throw my drink in his face? Thinking I misheard him, I stated, “What did you say?” Whereupon he said it again.

“I live at home because my mom likes to do my laundry.” – From the same guy as above. Boys, we girls like to hear you mention your mom when you’re trying to pick us up about as much as you like to think about her when you’re getting laid. Nothing against moms, but there is something vaguely… incestuous about mentioning your mom in the same breath as the first pickup line above. This boy obviously has no sense of boundaries. I hope his mom does.

“So, I hear you’re an unemployed lawyer!” – I bet you wondered why I didn’t call you. I must admit that MY first response was “So, I hear you’re a fat, awkward, socially inept nincompoop!” but I decided to spare your feelings. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have. You freaked me out by following me to the ladies’ room, the bar, the lounge, and the pool table… BEFORE you tried out the winning line above. I guess this means your M.O. is to stalk, then insult… I can’t believe you were the fastest sperm.

Girls, you’re not exempt:

Twirling your hair. No matter what you have seen in the movies and on tv, this does not make you look alluring. It makes you look autistic. It has a scientific name, tricotillomania. You are not 12 years old. You are old enough to pay $14 for a martini, or at least old enough to con men into doing so for you. Watching you sit at the bar and chew on your hair is no more attractive than watching you sit at the bar and bite off your split ends.

Please don’t ask me over and over and over again, “Why doesn’t he call? Why can’t I just find a nice guy? Doesn’t he like me? God, can you believe he was married? I just want a boyfriend! Waah!” Because after 6 years of hearing you whine about it, I’d like to think that at the age of 35, you might have figured out that stating, “Hi! Want to tit-fuck me?” isn’t the precursor to a long-term relationship. What I can’t understand is that you kiss them on the first date, you touch their penises on the first date, you blow them on the first date, and yes, you let them tit-fuck you on the first date and you sit by the phone for the next 2 months wondering WHY THEY DON’T CALL YOU. Um, could it be that they see you as cheap and sleazy? The harsh reality is that sometimes your mom was right – guys don’t like girls who are easy. Or at least they don’t take them home to see their mothers. And don’t give me excuses about how a girl “has her needs.” That’s what vibrators are for.

Standing next to a cute guy at the bar to get his attention. No matter how much you would like him to notice you, no matter what you have already named your future children, no matter how gorgeous you think he is with that scotch in one hand, NOTHING will make him speak to you if you don’t go over there and introduce yourself. Standing in his general vicinity and refusing to make eye contact and wishing really really hard that he will notice your feminine charms and your Inner You does nothing except show him how insecure and frightened you are. Yes, he notices you. How can he not, when you are flipping your hair and trying your best to look casual while faking conversation with your best friend? (“Psst! No way, don’t look over – I said DON’T LOOK!!! Sorry… it’s just that he’s looking this way… omigod he is SO CUTE!!! Is he looking at me? Is he looking at me?”) Trust me, he sees you. Trust me, he’s laughing at you. Trust me, you’re feeding his ego, but that’s all of him you’re ever going to get.

“Why doesn’t he call? Do you think he’s busy? Do you think he likes me? He hasn’t called in 2 weeks, do you think he still wants to date me? Why doesn’t he call???” In this day and age, if you don’t have a cellphone, you must have oatmeal for brains. Everyone is so connected that they have wireless connections at Starbucks and cellphone/only areas on the Acela. I can’t walk 3 blocks down 6th Avenue without running into at least a dozen people on a smoke/phone break. I’ve even gotten calls from people’s pants, when their mobiles have accidentally called me… so if someone really really wanted to call you, dahlink, he would. The hard answer (that took me years to learn) is No, he still doesn’t want to date you. He simply doesn’t care about you. You are not a priority because he WOULD find a way to reach you. If he was in Afghanistan, he’d get his mother to send you a postcard so that you would be assured of his safety and his tender feelings for you without compromising his security clearance. He would call you at home. He would call your mobile. He would leave sweet messages on your voice mail while snowed in at O’Hare airport. He would move heaven and earth to just hear the sound of your voice. If he asked you out for Saturday brunch and you said, “Wow, I’d love to, but I have a funeral to go to, can I take a rain check?” He would respond, “A funeral? Gee whiz, would you like me come along for emotional support? When’s the viewing? 2 p.m.? Should I come pick you up? I’ll be there!” … How do I know this? Because that’s what my fiance said to me on our second date, god bless him.

Don’t despair, true love is out there… but in the interim, please don’t do any of the things above. You just become fodder for Craigslist.

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