Santa Clause was good to me this year... or, If you don't believe in that sort of thing, The Kwanza Fairy, Chanuka Bunny, or Festivus Guy... whatever. Either way I got some crotch-grabingly good gifts this year... altough I think as a whole, They paint a picture of a pretentious, self-contained, money loving whore-monger alcoholic... but I am not in denial, I have accepted who I am whole-heartedly.
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1. One of my friends is a lawyer, And for christmas he drafted me up a prenuptual agreement. I don't know if it is a joke, legit, or what not... but it is pretty damn specific (no-alamony, etc...) and it is now in my safe for eh... safe keeping. Im single, havn't been in a long term relationship (6+ months) in my life, and I think my friend is trying to tell me I am on a one way track to a lifetime of disposable, single-serving marriages. I was touched.
2. A case of Jack Daniels Green. God I love this stuff and, to use a CL term, don't know why they only really sell it in "Red" states. Jack Green and Ginger fellates your tonsils like no other libation, and I now thankfully have a good supply to last the year.
3. I recieved from one of my friends a framed picture of myself. It is a really good shot from a weekend trip to AC a bunch of us went on. I put it on my night table and am contemplating taking it out of the frame, signing it, and puting it back... but the matting job looks pro and I don't want to ruin it. He told me he was going to get me a nice lithograph of something, but realized I like to look in the mirror too much and thought I'd like this better. He was right.
4. In a box, my friend gave me a bible and a roll of toilet paper that had a joke printed on each sheet. On the card it said, "One is for laughs, the other is for wiping your ass". I was only offended when I realized the TP was one ply... cheap bastard.
5. One of my female co-workers gave me a Jan. Playboy with a packet of Nuveen hand Cream taped to it. I was going to get her a sexual harassment suit...but then I realized my Christmas gift to her was a box containing a Gift Certificate to Victoria's secret, a Disposable Camera, and a Stamped Envelope addressed to me.
6. 6 Cases of beer from 6 different people. 3 New Castle Brown, 1 Red Stripe, 1 Foster's Oil Cans, and 1 Cherry Wheat.
7. I recieved numerous gift-certificates to my gym, and am happy to announce my personal trainer has now been paid for till May. What has two thumbs and would kill his parents and siblings for 4% body fat? THIS GUY!
8. My Parents got me a 1oz. Krugerrand. It's in my safe, and the only thing I can imagine doing with it is buying half a dozen more and holding them in my hand until someone asks "What's in your hand"... to which I can reply "About 3500 bucks". But for now I walk around my house naked in the middle of the night screaming "Diplomatic Imunity!" in a bad South African Accent like the bad-guy in Leathal Weapon 2.
So... people in my life look at me as:
1. An Alcoholic.
2. A shallow, in love with himself, afriad of commitment asshole.
3. A money hungry glutton.
4. A Porn freak.
Ahh... You CAN judge a book by its cover!
1.5 hours to go.
this is in or around My Desk