Ten easy steps to that perfect ad
Since everyone seems to be following these very simple guidelines when posting a personal ad, I thought I'd jot them down for the rest of us (who may not be quite as observant as some.)
1) POST ALL IN CAPS. PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE WHEN THEY PERCEIVE THEM AS SHOUTING. GODDAMN, DO I WANT TO DATE SOMEONE THAT WILL BE LOUD IN RESTAURANTS AND MOVIE THEATERS. I CAN'T WAIT TO BE EMBARASSED BY YOU! BRING IT ON, YOU NOISY BITCH.
2) Don't spell anything corectly. Lord knows that most poeple don't have time to chek for spelling errors when posting an add. Always make sure to skip the part where you run a spell chek to make certan that it's very obvious you're an uneducated twit. The masses will come a runnin', I asure you.
3) Include photos of your sex organs. Repulsing 90% of the dating pool will not hurt your chances at all. But please, for the love of all that is holy, get to a doctor. That shit ain't right.
4) Use incorrect grammar, and punctuation, at every chance. You can. I want to make sure, that I am doing someone who, will pause mysteriously. During conversation. . . . Like.
5) Make sure to list your personal beliefs. Of course being a racist cock will get you laid. The new unevolved wo/men of the future are all the rage for the
rest of us enlightened creeps. We just can't wait to get into your bigoted pants. And all that trembling has absolutely nothing at all to do with the intense loathing you inspire - it's all lust. Trust me. I'm telling you, that's lust, not vomit.
6) Ramble incoherently about your deepest, darkest sexual fantasies. Telling your potential soul-mate that you want to violate their ears is not at all strange and should definitely be put out there immediately. This is the best way to avoid wasting your valuable time on those of us who are less... adventurous. If you're not getting any response it means nothing except that you are the only one with balls enough to admit your fetish. Bravo.
7) Include your telephone number in your ad. This doesn't appear desperate in the slightest and does not scream hideous, disgusting horn-dog who can't get a date whatsoever.
8) ALWAYS post in the wrong section. If you're a bi-curious female with a boyfriend, please please please post in the w4w section. You know that every lesbian in New York City is just panting to get your man into bed. Failing that, we all want him to watch. This is why we went through all the hardship that comes with being queer - to be the realization of your boyfriend's most beloved wet dream.
9) Harass and annoy people with the same email address you use to post your personal ad. Women love a sense of humor and will not suddenly stop emailing you when they realize you're the same dick who called her a pig-fucking whore two months ago, on Rants and Raves. Make sure to state "No Fat Chicks" in every ad you post - I bet that guy gets all kinds of ass.
10) Mention that you're Republican.
this is in or around Mt. Mocking You
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests, and if you do, she will hunt you down and stick you with teeny, tiny needles until you die.