Originally Posted: 2004-10-21 4:38pm

favorite this post It is hard work not working


As an unemployed slacker, you have a responsiblity and a duty to send
me entertaining and funny emails to keep me from losing my mind at
work. Let this serve as your warning. I should not have to remind you of this!


My dear friend Mike,

You have some disturbing misconceptions about a day in the life of an
unemployed person. For one, I do not often have the time to sit down
and write amusing e-mails to you at work. I too am hard at work right
here in my parents basement. I have many responsibilities and my day,
unbeknownst to you, is packed with some of the very same stressful,
time consuming duties that you are lucky enough to be paid for. I will
let you in on exactly what it is I do. Perhaps you will be able to see
unemployed people in a different light and, hopefully, give them what
they rightfully deserve: Respect.

From the moment I wake up at about half-past ten in the morning or
quarter after one in the afternoon, my day is filled with pressing
matters that must be attended to. But before I can get down to
business, I must energize my body with food. THis is a drawn out
ordeal that can take anywhere between half an hour to 3 hours,
depending on what is playing on HBO and exactly how much Fruity Pebbles
there are left in the box. If Looney Toons' Space Jam is on and the
milk and sugared cereal is flowing, I could be eating breakfast for
damn near half the day. Well worth it in the long run, however.

Once I feel fully invigorated I am ready to get down to business, damn
it! I, like all other honorable unemployed men and women, am looking
eagerly, nay, tirelessly for a job. I must check my e-mail for replies
from employers, search Monster.com for jobs that pay $100,000 dollars
a year but oddly require no college degree or experience, I must look
up high-speed Internet porn, and of course, I must go on to
Craigslist.org and add a rant&rave in response to the latest balls
shaving post.

Its not easy being unemployed. I have other responsibilities to take
care of on top of my intense job search. For example, I have to
collect and take the trash out every Monday and Wednesday or my mom
will bitch me out. I have to unload the dishwasher or my dad says I
can't use the car. I have to religiously download all the recent
episodes of my favorite Japanese ninja anime and watch it in the dark
with my bandanna on. My day is packed with shit to do that you don't
know about. And every day something new comes up unexpectedly. Like
yesterday, I had to go out and buy some allergy medication because my
nose was stuffed up and we were out of chocolate milk. It would have
totally threw my day off if Judge Mathis wasn't a repeat. Can you
handle stress like that? I don't think you can.

It is a hard world and not many people can handle being unemployed
with such grace as myself. Ask yourself this, Mike: Do you have the
tenacity to play Hitman Contracts for 9 hours straight through because
your little brother took the Playstation 2 memory card back up to
college meaning that if you turn off the game you loss all of your
unsaved progress?

Can you handle laying on a couch for 3 hours in a smelly robe while
reading two-year old Maxims? Do you have the mental toughness to sit
behind a bench in your yard for an entire afternoon just so that when
your cat falls asleep on it you are there to pour a bucket of water on
him and chase him down with an old shoe? He's fast, Mike. And he knows
the shortcut through the evergreen hedge. Will you pursue? I don't
think you have it in you.

So, my friend, next time you feel like making light of what I do,
remember this: YOU are wasting MY time. It is hard damn work not


PS. Attached is my resume. Help me, please.

this is in or around out of collegeville

post id: 46348122

email to friend

best of [?]