Nice Apartment - But Not For You
cat likes to sleep in there - touch him, and you're dead meat. He has more right
to be there than you. Lights out at 9pm. You have no choice in the matter - I'll
take the fuse out. No guests. No phone calls. Not even emergency phone calls. If
there's a fire, you'll be locked in your room until you can admit it was your
No air conditioning. No air flow permitted. Keep very still. That blinking red
light in the corner of the ceiling - ignore that. That's none of your business.
No masturbation allowed. No underwear to be removed in apartment. Can't you
No reading allowed. No books, magazines, literature of any kind. Word puzzles
permitted between 3pm and 4pm Thursdays, subject to my approval. No sneezing. No
coughing. Snoring is OK, I snore.
You cannot use the kitchen. There is no kitchen. That door beyond the living
room - that's no concern of yours. No eating outside of apartment. I'll smell
the food on you when you come in. Tinned peaches allowed on religious holidays.
Tin openers not allowed. You will be subject to a search for tin openers on
You must not look at me. No telling people outside the apartment how I live. It
is no concern of theirs. I didn't get where I am today by embracing the outside
world - I expect you to do the same. Must be fluent in Latin, and the art of
lashing objects together with string.
Rent is payable on the first of the month, failure to do so will result in the
immediate combustion of everything you own. There is a non-refundable deposit of
$2000 and your left big-toe, which will be deposited in a frost-accruing freezer
account of my choice.
Apartment available to view at as-of-yet undecided times of the day between now
and tomorrow. Please keep your head down and do not look at the apartment. You
must make a decision there and then, based on what you've seen of the floor.
Decision subject to derision. Lease renewal subject to ridicule. I reserve the
right to steal everything you have, and then some.
I am a spider. You are a fly. Come into my parlor.
cats hate you - rrrreyyow
dogs hate you - grrrrrrrr